Gunning for Perez

If I'm understanding this correctly, Perez Hilton, whose gossip website received nearly 4 million unique visitors on Wednesday (thanks in no small part to Brit's vagina -- his normal numbers are closer to 2-3 million), is facing TWO separate legal actions for the unlawful use of photographs.

FIRST:

Perez may be sued by the seven top paparazzi agencies in the United States. Perez received a cease-and-desist letter dated Nov 29, representing an unprecendented cooperation by these agencies (Splash News, INF, Ramey, Bauer Griffin, WENN, Most Wanted and Flynet), which basically tells him to account for all photographs he's run since Dec 1, 2003, pay retroactive license fees for them, and agree to pay future license fees for his images. Otherwise, he'll face a lawsuit for damages.

SECOND:

Paparazzi agency X17 is done sending the cease-and-desists; they're suing Perez for $7.5M in damages. Says Perez: "I have yet to be personally served with this lawsuit. My lawyers and I will address the situation when we have the opportunity to review the materials."

It's possible I'm missing something here, and these are all part of the same legal action, so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

But now, my thoughts:

1) The X17 people are assholes. They disabled the "Copy Image" functionality on their website awhile ago, so bloggers cannot use their images. (We can still do a Print Screen, assholes.) On the other hand, the Splash News people (who I adore) will allow anyone to use their images if you include their watermark or a link to their site.

2) Perez Hilton's an asshole. We all use copyrighted images without paying for them, but we pull images or source them upon request. Done and done. It's really very simple. But Perez is an asshole from any angle. He has an endearing manner of using a very sophisticated graphics software (Microsoft Paint) to draw lovely representations of what one must assume is semen and cocaine on the faces of ALL the photos he uses (except when they star him), so they're essentially unusable by those of us who choose to maintain some manner of maturity and decorum on our sites (yeah, I just implied we maintain maturity and decorum around here, so suck it).

3) This is kind of the end of a Golden Era for bloggers. As much as I wouldn't mind seeing Perez knocked a few rungs down off his smug little celeb-outting perch, when he (inevitably) loses these suits, it may be just a matter of time before these agencies track down the rest of us and demand we pay license fees. And then gossip blogs will suck and it will be much harder to find Britney's vagina on the Internet at any given point in time (kudos to those of you who thought to use the Google cache when this site was 502ing...and there were lots of you who did).

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

Links for the 8 of You Who Can Access This Site Tonight

Jennifer Lopez is turning to Scientologist pal Leah Remini for tips on how the religion can help her get knocked up. Does Xenu recommend you have a three-man camera crew from VH1 living in your house throughout the process, Leah? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Look, MTV, when you've resorted to The Real World: Denver, you can't exactly expect viewership to soar. Up next: Road Rules: Presidential Libraries. [Pop on the Pop]

Tony Parker caves. [Celebrity Smack]

It is a distant possibility that Nicky Hilton is not particularly involved in the, you know, actual work behind her new line of boutique hotels. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney's first (55-hour) husband happily cashes in on her recent media prominence, reveals she had a tummy tuck. "No duh," say six-year-olds nationwide. [Cele|Bitchy]

Pink wears underwear. Unlike some people. [TMZ]

Wanna Party With Some Douchebags in New York?

Here in New York we have a phenomenon that I like to call, "douchebag post-grad party boys." They are boys who get paid to much to push money around and they haunt all of the "hot spots" of New York almost every night of the week. They are rarely very attractive and oftentimes are quite aggressive with any girl that they think they can bring home for the evening. I guess somebody thought that it would be cool to follow some of them around to learn about how these party boys roll.

Wanna check it out the video that has everyone buzzing in New York? Click here.

Here are some highlights for you of how these doucebags roll...these are direct quotes.

"I got big expectations, I'm trying to do big things tonight."

"Whatever you do, don't pick a girl up until at least 2 am."

"Here's to living single, seeing double, threesomes, foreplay, 5 of a kind, six packs, seven days a week, New York."

This kind of lame makes me want to move.

Barack Obama and Ludacris: Together at Last

The world deserves a break from Britney Spears' vagina, and what could possibly be more removed from that than a 2008 presidential candidate and a rapper?

Obama, now in the early stages of what will almost certainly be a bid for the 2008 Democratic ticket, met privately with rapper Ludacris on Wednesday in Chicago. Says Luda: "We talked about empowering the youth."

CNN amusingly points out that both have won Grammy awards: Obama for spoken-word readings from his memoir, Dreams from My Father (and you will be hearing a lot more about his father as his candidacy progresses), and Ludacris for his verse on "Yeah!".

Luda said meeting with Obama was like meeting with a relative. Obama declined to comment after the meeting.

I'd say this is evidence of Obama's early efforts to score the Black vote, but, um, yeah.

You're in New York. Go in Style.

Beet readers and those fascinated by Britney Spear's vagina if you are in New York in the next few weeks and find yourself needing to use the toilet have no fear. Charmin has set up shop in a storefront formally occupied by Barcode. Remember the episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie went on the date to in Times Square where they played video games...it is that place. Each of the 20 restrooms is cleaned after every use. It is a holiday promotion which really is quite smart. Other than Starbucks, New York is a wasteland of restrooms. If you have to pee in New York you usually have to sneak into a hotel or restaurant. There is much fanfare to this public toilet experiment. You can even get your picture taken with the Charmin Bear! The website is too funny. They have a map where you can see how many visitors from different countries have visited the Charmin restrooms. They have had 2 visitors from Madagascar who must have been very confused at the whole idea of an entire storefront being devoted to the excitement of pooping.
The Naked Cowboy wrote a song about this holiday extravaganza and obviously, it is on You Tube. Here you go. Please watch this because you can see how random this whole toilet thing is. I haven't gone yet but Monday I work in Times Square and you better believe I'm getting my picture taken with the bear.

Did Britney's Vagina Break Google?

From Blogger's status blog:

Thursday, November 30, 2006
We are currently investigating the intermittent 502 error pages on the new version of Blogger in beta and its Blog*Spot blogs. If you experience one of these errors, waiting a minute or so and refreshing may help.

I've talked to a few other gossip bloggers, all of whom are experiencing insane levels of traffic from people searching for Britney's vagina. At Evil Beet yesterday we experienced traffic at more than ten times our normal level. Today we're on track for that to be twenty times. I wonder if this sudden traffic surge is impacting Google's Blogger servers. Man, I hope so. I hope Britney's vagina broke Google.

Related: sorry for the 502 errors. It's not my fault! If you try to load the site and it won't come up, try again in a few minutes. Thanks for reading! (Or, um, looking, as is the case for most of you.)

I Guess Paris and Stavros Are Still Doin' It

This is so bizarre. Paris Hilton is pictured above with a locket that has a picture of Stavros her on again/off again "boyfriend." Here is a video, via x17Online.com where you can almost audibly hear Paris say, "Get your hot ass over to The Grove right now!" Hollywood has now gone from being like high school to being middle school. How sweet that Paris celebrates her favorite booty call with a sweet picture in a locket. By sweet I mean lame. Remember back in the day when Paris was going to marry that other Greek shipping heir and be a housewife?

Minorities of the World, Unite! (Are the French a minority?)

This just in.

Tony Parker of the San Antonio NBA Basketball Spurs and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria are officially engaged. No more simply knocking boots for the two of them, they are making a firm commitment to be legal in Texas by the summer of 2007.

Frankly, I don't have much to say about either of them. The Spurs are a really boring team and Tony is French. I heard on FOX that I'm supposed to frown upon the French.

As for her, I stopped watching Desperate Housewives because it started going hella hokey. She was decent in the film no one ever saw, Harsh Times.

So there you have it. I suppose I could mention that she is seven years older than him if you ladies want to hoot, or alternatively, holler. Go nuts.

Lindsay Lohan Trying to Get Sober

It's possible we bloggers might have to find someone else to fill our column inches in the near future, as Page Six reports that Lindsay Lohan has begun attending AA meetings. This should come as a surprise to no one, as Lindsay's former boyfriend, Harry Morton, is sober, and she was spotted wearing a 90-day sobriety chip at the Ivy, and, most recently, issued a statement on the death of Robert Altman littered with AA jargon.

According to Page Six, a "spy" reported seeing her yesterday at an early morning AA meeting near her apartment. As a gossip blogger, I love this, but as a person, I think this "spy" is a total asshole. Lindsay should have the opportunity to get sober anonymously, just like anyone else in a 12-step program, and it's heartbreaking that she was betrayed by someone from a meeting. (Yeah, I know, that's not stopping me from running this article). A Lohan friend confirmed: "She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around - this time for good. She is out of control."

I'm excited for Lindsay that all the Courtney Love chanting is paying off, and I truly hope she can manage to get herself clean and sober, and get her life back on track. We gossip bloggers don't really need her anymore, now that we have Britney Spears on the scene.

Bigots of the World, Unite!

Entertainment Weekly has pulled an interview with Mr. Mel Gibson (his own self).

Overall the interview is well done and somewhat thoughtful. I'd never claim Mel isn't smart, I'd just claim that clearly he should lay off the fire water. Here are a few of the choice bits though:

Do you feel you've done enough apologizing for your anti-Semitic remarks?
"Those were the ravings of an inebriated, angry person. I don't know. I think publicly I have done enough."

Hey, newsflash, that person was you. You are angry, were inebriated, raved. I'm sick of people saying "It was the anger talking." That anger is you fella, take responsibility and say "I'm an angry guy and that's something I battle with." Who is this third person you speak of?

People won't really refuse to work with you?
"No, people aren't like that. Those are just headlines: Mel Ostracized by Hollywood! Hollywood is what you make it."

I can tell you based on my experience in the industry that most people don't take moral stands. If Mel had come out the next day and said "I believe my statements were correct," he'd still have work. He owns a production company for God's sake, he has an Oscar. There is one thing Hollywood values above your personal life and views. Money. Cold hard cash, and Mel has a history of delivering it. Thus, short of raping a goat in front of the Hollywood sign, someone will always want to work with him, no matter the religious affiliation.

Here's some sympathy from Mel:

"I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress."

He should feel bad for Richards. Richards is proper fucked, unlike Mel. Why? He hasn't delivered the money in eight years, and even then it was with an ensemble. Now producers can take a moral stand because it's fiscally prudent (channeling George Bush I). I now return you to typical Hollywood softball mumbo-jumbo:

Can you teach anybody to act?
"Yeah. It's about breathing."

For the record I have no problem separating the art from the artist. Bad people make great films sometimes, sweethearts can make stinkbombs. Braveheart was a great film. But you should be aware that Apocalypto is not a good film. Uber not-goodness. What it is an extremely heavy handed metaphor wrapped up in a very weak story. Boring, silly, pointless. Other than that I loved it. Make sure you see it.

Britney Spears' Vagina is a Problem

Quick note from the Beet: I apologize for the incredibly slow load times lately. We're seeing unprecedented levels of traffic, thanks to the whole freakin' world searching for pictures of Britney Spears' vagina. Unfortunately, they're not our servers (but thank you, Google, for letting us use yours for free), so there's not a whole lot we can do. Hang in there, and I'm sure traffic (and load times) will be back to normal once someone who plays sports does something interesting.

Update: For those of you who have shown up here looking for these pictures, they are here and here. Enjoy! Tell your friends! Masturbate! Vomit! Sigh...

Human Rights Organizations Want a Say in Madonna Adoption

Poor Madonna! First her NBC concert special flopped big time (seriously, it was outperformed by Fox's airing of Cheaper by the Dozen), and now everyone and their brother wants a say in her adoption of David Banda. On Wednesday, a Malawian judge ruled in favor of a coalition of 67 Malawian human rights and child advocacy groups who want to be party to the assessment of her fitness as a mother.

Madonna stirred up some local controversy when she took Banda to England soon after filing for adoption, when Malawi regulations require that prospective parents undergo an 18- to 24-month assessment in the country.

"I must stress that all along we have not been against the adoption but we only wanted Malawi's adoption laws clarified and followed to the letter," said one of the petitioners, a Malawian lawyer and human rights activist. "Today's ruling gives us the opportunity to clear (up) some gray areas surrounding adoption laws in Malawi."

At first glance, the implication of this seems crazy: how could this kid possibly be better off in a Malawi orphanage than living as Madonna's son? But the human rights activists want to protect the process of adoption in their country; if these rules can be circumvented by Madonna, they reason, they can be circumvented by pedophiles and human traffickers. It's an argument that makes sense, and I'm siding with the human rights folks on this one.

I'm sure this is hell for Madonna, though. I once took my cat, Max, who I found as a stray, to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet found a little chip implanted in him that said he belonged to a different owner. She had to call the owner, and she told me my cat would have to be returned if his original owner wanted him. It took about 20 minutes to get ahold of the owner, who had lost the cat long ago and already replaced him, but I spent all 20 of those minutes crying and being generally inconsolable. It's a stupid example, I know, but I can't even imagine the hell it would be to have to go through this with a child. Especially since the government's first assessment of her fitness as a mother isn't scheduled until next May. Hopefully this will work out satisfactorily for all parties, and we can return our attention to more interesting matters, like where Britney Spears will next treat us all to a look at her hairless goodies.

Picking up the Pieces

Things that happened today without any involvement on the part of Britney Spears' vagina:

American Idol fourth-placer Chris Daughtrey's album debuts at #2 on the U.S. charts. [Perez Hilton]

Check out Beyonce's new video for "Listen," from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. [popbytes]

Kevin Federline has a thing for women who like the whole world to see their naughty bits. Isn't that right, Kendra Jade? [Pop on the Pop]

Josh Hartnett's mystery girl revealed: she's Amber Sainsbury, who did some show called Hex for 11 episodes in 2004 and is currently co-starring with Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. Also: she's not as pretty as Josh, which is how I reckon he prefers it. [BWE]

Nick Lachey bought a minor-league baseball team this week. What did you do? [ICYDK]

Matt Lauer named his newborn son Thijs. Pronounced "Tice." I am supposed to say something mean here (preferably referencing the unfortunately named Paltrow offspring) but I have a fabulous friend at school named Tejs (pronounced similarly), so out of respect for the fact that he did my finance homework all quarter, I just have this to say: Way to name a kid, Lauer! [Cele|Bitchy]

Danny Devito Goes Crazy on 'The View'

Here is the weirdest interview I've seen in a while on daytime.

Click here to see Danny Devito sit on Rosie's lap like the little elf he is. I guess he also doesn't like George Bush. But really, who does these days?

Update: What I forgot to mention is that he is wasted. Perez has a funny take on Devito's rantings. Why is it funnier when a little person is drunk?

Britney Spears Does Something Flighty and Irresponsible

Is there trouble is Paris-dise for Britney Spears? After being total BFF for a full five days (which may be some sort of record for Paris), the two were partying separately last night, with Britney treating the world to another unrequested glimpse of her hoo-hoo at a Malibu gas station (class-ay), and Paris hitting up a Volkswagen rager with Nicole Richie.

On Monday, Paris said about Britney, “I love her. She is the sweetest girl I know. She’s so down-to-earth. I just want her to smile and be happy.” Fox had hoped to ride along on their publicity train (and Paris owes them big time, after her feud with Richie cost them a final season of The Simple Life), planning to have Spears and Hilton co-host the Fox Billboard Music Awards, scheduled to air December 4. Page Six referred to the dual hosts as a "black hole of stupidity." But, alas, Las Vegas may be spared the stunning gravitational implosion of dumb, as Britney pulled out of negotiations at the eleventh hour, failing to give a reason.

Things have not been looking good for Miss Britney lately. After the entire nation acted as her cheering squad when she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, Brit has squandered nearly all that goodwill in just a few short weeks with an undending series of drunken evenings, allowing the paparazzi to get candids of her lady parts three times in one week, and missing scheduled recording sessions.

The Billboard Awards may have Hilton host solo, or may ask comedian Brad Garrett to take on the challenge.

Brit, This is Just Sad. Please Stop.

At a Malibu gas station last night. Kevin Federline is looking like the responsible one now. Does she even know this is happening? Has anyone mentioned to her that her vagina is on the Internet every single day now? This is the third time in a week! Also, something tells me this girl really shouldn't have been driving. This is so sad. BRIT! We were so excited for you!!! We were so hopeful! National goodwill was nearly 100% on your side. You could have done anything with it. But you did this. Why, Britney? Why?

Fur is Fun?

I used to live in Virginia, pretty close to the PETA HQ. I found them to be kind of freaky, because frankly I find zealots of every stripe to be kind of freaky. Plus my blood thirsty desire for filet mignon was in direct opposition to their desire for me to subsist on a diet of sorghum and wheat germ. So I figured we'd agree to disagree there.

But now they are going after an issue close to Beet territory, women, and the clothing of said women. They've named their worst dressed list, and of course it's all about who is wearing fur. Four ladies take the bullet: Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen, Christina Ricci, and Eva Longoria. All are chastised for being uncaring little animal killers.

I guess the thing that bothers me is trying to dictate others behavior due to your own personal beliefs. There are things I do that I simply wouldn't expect of others. For instance, if a spider is in my home I do my best to a) ignore it or b) place it gently outside my home. This is simply because spiders kill other insects which I may like even worse. Now I know some people hate spiders and immediately throw a hardcover book on them. I'm totally cool with that, live and let die and all that. So I just feel like if I say "Ok, don't kill the Minks" (who are, it must be said, vicious little animals) then next people will be trying to take my Mountain Dew Code Red Extreme SportZ Edition because it's too eXtreme or sporty for their liking. You get my point, and that's why I'm calling PETA dumb here.

EvilB or EviltT, if you'd like to tell me why fur is murder and perhaps do the whole "I'd rather be naked thing" I will watch respectfully, promise.

Lohan Explains Everything

Okay, I'll bite, an explanation for why good ol' Linday is care free when it comes to her naughty bits. Quoth the LL:

"I don't want to put myself in the position where I'm in a monogamous relationship right now. I'm not dating just one person. Sex and the City changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people."

Huh. I guess we can all be glad for entertainment's sake that she didn't watch Jeopardy growing up.

Still, I look at that photo and remember fondly the days when I found fire bottom to be super foxy. I want those days back. I want my innocence back.

Welcome to the Black Hole of Stupidity

Via Page Six this morning,

"In a move that may cause a black hole of stupidity to implode in the middle of Las Vegas, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been tapped to co-host the Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Monday. The two "flashionistas" - who have recently given glimpses of their bare, well-groomed nether regions as they hang out with pal Lindsay Lohan - won't perform any musical numbers."

Some journalist was getting creative this morning. I love, that in the world of gossip news, "black hole of stupidity" is an acceptable phrase. Also..."flashonistas?"...brilliant! I do believe that this is the signal of the end of Britney's "comeback." Paris Hilton will get you in the papers but for all the wrong reasons. And by all the wrong reasons, I mean , vagina.

If Loving Studio 60 is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right

Just got through watching Monday night's episode on my TiVo. For all the shit I give Sorkin for the sketches not being funny (they're still not), the rest of the show is so, so wonderful. It's not quite the early seasons of The West Wing, but it's the closest thing that's been on television since. If you're not tuning in, you should be. Some observations from tonight:

a) Jordan McDeere is my love.
2) Martha O'Dell is totally Maureen Dowd (who is also my love).

That is all.

Late-Night Links

Christina Aguilera does a little drinkin' herself. [Perez Hilton]

I've lost track of how many times Snoop Dogg's been arrested this year. But add one. [TMZ]

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler take a break from hating one another to get dinner at Mr. Chow's. [Pop on the Pop]

Milla Jovovich? Still hot. [CelebSlam]

Gasp! One of the Gotti kids got arrested. [DListed]

Cameron Diaz can't marry Justin Timberlake because she's "commitment-phobic." And certainly not because he hasn't proposed. [HollyScoop]

Lindsay Lohan is in movies? Huh. [Pajiba]

Just for the record, I was into Regina Spektor before anybody. This song was on my MySpace page like a hundred years ago. Just so everyone knows. [BWE]

Nicole Richie is Awesome

I love it when celebrities totally turn the tables and use the media for their own advantage. MySpace has allowed them to issue weird publicity statements without the need of publicists sometimes with positive (see below) and negative (Travis Barker's weird ranting) results.

Here is one of the most amazing MySpace posts by a celebrity yet! Nicole Richie, welcome to health. Rachel Zoe, go fade away into obscurity and eat a sandwich.

"X-RAY
BLIND ITEM:
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup..."

It is down off her blog now because someone probably warned her getting sued by meth face Zoe. Also, poor girl has some spelling issues. Still, in the world of celebrity MySpace posts this is in my top 10.

[source]

Now There are New TomKat Wedding Photos, Too

Which is primarily responsible for the vague sense of nausea you've had since you woke up this morning?

a) These recently released TomKat wedding photos (they'll run in the December 5 Hello magazine)

b) The new Britney Spears va-jay-jay explosion?

c) The six vodka sodas you drank last night. And the pregnancy.

Thanks to MollyGood for the heads-up.

Stupid Headlines 101

This just makes me mad. The headline reads "Beyonce Enjoyed Working on Dreamgirls." Really? No joke? It wasn't hell on Earth? Director Bill Condon never once tried to rape her?

I could see if this was coming from some lam-o source like E! but this is AP syndicating to YahooNews. This is the best you can do? Also, FYI Beyonce would like to do more movies. You heard it here second.

Tracy Morgan: The Other Drunk Driver

It's fitting that Tracy Morgan should choose this particular week to rack up his second DUI in a year. I had two favorite Tracy Morgan sketches on SNL. The first was that whole "I'm Tracy Morgan: the other black guy" thing. The second was that homeless Woodrow character who brought Britney Spears to his underground lair and sang to her. At this point, for the safety of society as a whole, we may just want to hide both of them in a sewer for at least the next year or so. Since Morgan is currently on probation from a DUI arrest last December, he may be hidden in a jail cell for a little while, courtesy of the state of California. The CA legislature is still debating what the hell to do about Britney.

Um...There Were More Britney Crotch Shots...

Sorry for the vaginas on the front page, but, um, wow. Just wow. HEL-LO VAGINA!

Update: Pictures censored now. Click on the photos for the uncensored version.

Heath Ledger Done Sowing Wild Oats

It's in the news that Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are tying the knot.

I know what he's thinking. Eh, she had my kid and she's still kind of hot so why not? Plus her status as a Dawson's Creeker means he's down to her or Josh Jackson if he wants to be Tom Cruise.

If you think I'm making a BrokeMountain joke you're crazy. Those were played out about four minutes after the film came out.

Late-Night Links

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn't fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

"This Scarf is Heavy," by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning "Horseface," just this once, because they're being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Hillary Gets New Chompers

Hillary Duff finally got her horse teeth fixed. According to "Life and Style,

“The length of each veneer was a little too long, and the width of the smile was too wide,” Dr. Michael Apa, dentist to the stars and Elite Model Management consultant, says of Hil’s smile, which cost the star at least $15,000. The work was meant to improve her smile, but “it made her look goofy, like she was bucktoothed. She probably had her teeth recontoured or reshaped to fit her smile,” says Apa of Hil’s smaller, narrower smile. “Now you look at her cute smile rather than focusing on her large teeth. She looks much prettier!”

Thank the lord. This orthodontist should be placed in the same plastic surgery jail as the hack that did Tara Reid's boobs. Honestly, with all of the money these celebrities have how do they keep getting bad teeth/boob/nose/face jobs.

Hopefully these new chompers will land her a hot new mad since she is a single girl now.

Britney's Middle School Masterpiece: Decoded

As a special service to you, my fine readers, I have taken upon myself the task of reading Britney Spears' middle-school essay on the ancient Greek tragedy of Antigone (pronounced "An-tih-guh-nee"), which goes on the auction block at Christie's next month. I have also volunteered to note the spelling, punctuation and/or grammar mistakes her teacher missed. Also, for those of you who were supposed to read Antigone for class this week, you can save the money for the Cliff Notes. Brit sums most of it up quite nicely.

Antigone is about a girl who loses her brother during a war. She wants to bury them [sic], but the new king, Creon, will not allow it, and who shall ever do so shall be killed. Antigone wants her brother buried, because she wants him to be able to be in the heaven of ghost. So she goes out and buries him. There was a roomer [sic] about her burying her brother, so the gaurds [sic] keep a good look out. Finally, they catch her. They take her to the king. The king's son is suppose [sic] to marry her. The son begs his father to have mercy, but nothing stops him. He puts her in a chamber. A [sic] advisor comes along and warns him that the God [sic] are angry with him. He get's [sic] scared so he lets her go. [Ed: apparently this didn't actually happen in the play]. When they go to the chamber, they find her dead, because of suicide. Her soon to be [sic] husband kills himself, because he can't stand the thought ->

Wanna know the rest? Put in a bid on Christie's. It's estimated to go for $500-700. Or, you know, read the play.

Hilary Duff and Joel Madden Enter Dunzville

Today is the best day of Maksim Miakovsky's life. He's just hopping around his prison cell with glee. Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden guest DJ'd at a Chicago club on Wednesday, and announced that he was now single. Apparently Duff broke up with him earlier in the month, citing the eight-year age difference.

Duff spoke not too long ago about how the paparazzi help her and Madden end fights. "If we're out some place, we could totally be fighting," she said, "but we'll be looking at each other (smiling) because there's a camera right there. Then we end up forgetting we're in a fight, because we're laughing since it's not a real thing to do, and we're both such real people."

Apparently these fool-proof relationship-salvaging tactics eventually fell a bit short. Too bad! I can't wait to see who Hilary dates next. Is Aaron Carter still available? Ooh, that would be fun.

Menage a Trois!

Paris and Lindsay can never stay mad at each other, and it seems now Britney Spears has been drawn into this love/hate relationship. It wasn't too long ago that Lindsay Lohan was caught on camera calling Paris Hilton a cunt. On Wednesday night, Lindsay pulled up to Hollywood hotspot Teddy's -- where Britney and Paris were partying inside -- with Kevin Federline's CD blasting in her car, and announced that she thought K-Fed was sexy and might be interested in "hooking up with him." (Britney was overheard later saying "Tell her please, seriously, take him!") Then, on Sunday, L2 told paparazzi that Paris Hilton had hit her with a drink at a party on Saturday night (watch the video).

The natural conclusion to all this is, of course, the three girls partying together on Sunday night, and leaving in the same car. In the video, Paris is asked about the drink-pouring incident, and she directs the paparazzi to Lohan herself, who is walking up behind them. "Lindsay, tell them the truth!" she says. "Paris never hit me," says Lohan, "she's my friend. Everyone lies about everything...she never did that, she's a good girl, she's a nice person. Please, stop trying to make us hate each other." (Um, Lindsay, stop talking trash about her on video.) As she gets into the car with Britney and Paris, a photog actually says "Oh, this is classic."

I should note that, in the 18,000 videos of Paris and Britney leaving clubs together this week, Britney almost never says a thing. She is clearly way too busy being ridiculously drunk, holding onto Paris, a publicist, and/or a car to maintain her balance most of the time. As she stumbles into the car in the last video, and the photogs try to take up-skirt shots, Paris admonishes them, "Guys, don't be pervs." (They got the shot anyway).

Oh, man, I cannot wait until Paris and Britney get into a huge fight. Maybe Britney will sleep with Stavros. Or Paris will sleep with K-Fed (although the former Mr. Spears is rumored to already have a new woman). Or Britney will become BFF with Shanna Moakler (whom, claims Travis Barker, has always been jealous of Paris). The possibilities are endless! Stay tuned!

Angry After a Long Weekend Off You Still Have to Go To Work?

Here is a way to pass your time, even though you probably have a lot of things to do this Monday.
Dress up Tom Cruise virtually. It is sad and kind of awesome to see how far his star has fallen.This is what you get for believing in aliens Tom.
Click here to begin your fun. Also check out the video below. Really, this should be about 25 min of procrastination, provided to you, free of charge from The Evil Beet.

K-Fed Has a New Lady Already?

As disturbing as this sounds, according to Dlisted, K-Fed has found himself a new lady and they spent the Thanksgiving Holiday at Miss Shar Jackson's house. You know, Shar, Kevin's other baby mama? The girl is not cute, but has that white trash big boobed thing goin on. I guess Kevin is into the porn star look, via an article almost a year ago, Kevin was rumored to have hooked up with porn star Kendra Jade. Here is another story of Kevin's rumored infidelity.

We wonder if she is one of the many reasons for the Brit/K-Fed split? Hopefully one of them will turn up on TV soon enough to tell their side of the story. Maybe K-Fed can go the Nick Lachey route and write some soulful ballads about how his heart was broken by his way-more successful wife?

I just hope Britney Spears stops hanging out with Paris soon. Otherwise Kevin is going to look like a model father and that is just tragic.

Pamela Anderson Files for Divorce!

Just in my inbox from the Hollyscoop ladies...Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from her hubby of only 4 months, Kid Rock.

This really isn't very shocking but still kind of abrupt. Their boozy wedding didn't really seem to foreshadow them growing old together but still it is odd that this happened right after Pam suffered a miscarriage. Maybe the idea of having kids with Pam was too much for fun-loving Kid Rock.

I wish there was something more exciting to report than they simply filed under "irreconcilable differences" (think Kenny Chesney and Zellweger's "fraud") but I will be poking around the internet today hopefully for something more fun to report. I mean, divorce is sad and all but when you get married in a white bikini, twice, we are allowed to make fun of your marriage.

Monday Morning Music

I was sent a lovely email last week from one of our dedicated readers telling me to check out Joshua Radin. I love love love singer songwriters and he is just brilliant. Think Josh Kelley, Pete Yorn, Jack Johnson... His music is lovely and something to fall in love to. Think guys, music to put on when you have a lady in your apartment. This is the video, directed by Zach Braff, for his song "Closer." He is one of those lovely artists that I implore you to buy the whole CD on itunes.



Update: A quick note from the editor: You'll recall that Radin is also the godsend who brought national media attention to Paris Hilton's on-stage vomiting incident just last week with a post on his MySpace blog.

Blind Item! Does Eddie Winslow Have the HIV?

The Panache Report ran the following blind item awhile back:

A young lady got in touch with me last week and related this disturbing story to me and she also emailed me numerous photos of her and "the subject" of this blind item.

A few years ago, she cared for her brother before he died of AIDS. About eight months ago, she started dating an actor who appeared on a popular black sitcom that has since been cancelled. Her family was impressed with him because he was a celebrity. One day, at work, she had a bad headache.

That evening, she went out to dinner with the actor. After dinner, they rented a movie and returned to his house. After the movie, before they became intimate, she insisted on protection, he balked, she grabbed her coat, he relented, she stayed, and they proceeded to have sex. Afterwards, she went into his bathroom, her head was still throbbing and she opened his medicine cabinet, looking for aspirin, instead she found AIDS medications (the same her brother took before his death).

She angrily confronted the actor, he tried to deny it until she threw the vials in his face. He finally confessed, saying, he probably got infected at one of the downlow parties he attends, he also told her-that he has had the virus for three years and he admitted to having unprotected sex with women and men on a constant basis. She was enraged, not only did he have the virus, he just admitted to spreading it intentionally and he confessed to bi-sexuality.

She screamed, 'no wonder you didn't want to wear a condom,' he said, 'Hey, someone gave it to me.' She slapped him and stormed out the door! She got tested and was negative. She wanted to put this incident behind her but she found out, the actor was dating a black female actress. Through mutual friends, she was able to get word to the actress before the actress became intimate with him. Despite calling the "Health Department" on him, it is rumored the actor is dating an up and coming black female in the entertainment industry on the East Coast.

The young lady who related this story says "A headache may have saved my life-because over time, I may have become comfortable & trusting and let my guard down by having unprotected sex with him. "This same headache may have also saved the actress's life."

Hints..Although there have been numerous black sitcoms on the air, we can do a process of elimination on a few of the shows. The shows the actor did "NOT" appear on: Good Times, The Jeffersons, What's Happening, The Cosby Show. And the show was carried on a "major" network. Also, we hinted in a prior blind item about this actor regarding downlow activities, Paris visited message boards that copied and pasted that particular blind item and most of the participants guessed his identity.

Now MediaTakeOut is claiming they've solved the mystery. Apparently they've received nearly 500 emails claiming that the man in question here is Darius McCrary, who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters. Is it true? Who the hell knows. But the lesson here is obvious: always use a condom, even when you're sleeping with a washed-up former TGIF mainstay. Whoever's banging that methed-up Jodie Sweetin these days, you've been warned.

Here We Go Again

Perez Hilton continues to wage his own personal war against gay celebs who choose to remain -- at least publicly -- in the closet. Up today: Jodie Foster and her girlfriend, Cydney Bernard, whom Perez claims Foster has been dating for thirteen years. A quick Google search reveals that Bernard is a producer, and the two met on the set of Sommersby. Foster has two kids, and she's never revealed who their father is.

Foster's relationship with Bernard is well-known in Hollywood circles (in fact, it's mentioned on both their IMDB pages), but Foster has clearly been perfectly happy keeping their relationship (and the rest of her personal life) out of the public eye. I mean, she's Jodie Foster. She doesn't exactly need paparazzi coverage to have a successful career.

Celebrity gossip bloggers have touched on the topic in the past, but, let's be honest, Perez is the celebrity gossip blogger, and his readership has grown by more than 200% in the last six months. He now reaches nearly 3 million readers a day, which is approximately the number of viewers who tuned into Laguna Beach last season. I don't expect Foster to hide from this; my guess is she'll give a statement to People magazine next week.

Some critics claim Perez has mounted something more akin to an Inquisition than a gay pride parade with his regular outing of celebs. Is it fair of him to pull shit like this? No, no it's not. Does it have the potential to send an extraordinarily positive message to the gay community, closeted or otherwise? Yeah. I think it does. To wax philosophic for a moment, it's interesting that this kid from Miami who set out to talk shit about famous people in his spare time may actually have a significant cultural and historic impact for the gay community. Interesting, frightening, and pretty damn cool.

Gobble Up These Links (ha ha HA!)

Today in tasteful: unearthed 1986 footage of Michael Richards in blackface. [The Bosh]

When Prison Break first aired, I gave it three hours of my life that I will never get back, then gave up. But Wentworth Miller is still way hot, so check out this interview with him. [Gossip or Truth, more]

If you're anything like the rest of the country, you've been waiting ever so anxiously to hear what a recently divorced Juliette Lewis thinks about former boyfriend Brad Pitt. Thanks goodness she's finally weighed in. [Agent Bedhead]

The Beyonce/Jay-Z shelf life is nearing its end. Maybe they can time the break-up to coincide with the opening of Dreamgirls. Wouldn't that be nice? [Rhymes with Snitch]

Stylist Rachel Zoe claims Nicole Richie fired her after she "voiced concerns ... about her lifestyle." [PopSugar]

When asked about Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe takes the high road. No pun intended. [celebrity nation]

And just for the hell of it, really cute pics of Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their adorable little critter out shopping. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney Spears Crotch Shot: Coming Soon?

According to the NY Daily News:

Spears was snapped with Hilton on Friday night leaving West Hollywood's Hyde nightclub in a white T-shirt and black mini-skirt (both very Hilton-esque) as well as a pair of Paris' trademark oversize sunglasses.

While maneuvering out of the cab in the black mini, Spears managed to flash her goods to the throng of paparazzi - and there was an awful lot to see.

I have a feeling the pictures are here, but I can't get the page to load. Will keep you posted...

The point this really drives home for me is just that Paris Hilton is (still) a goddamn publicity genius. Britney Spears is going through one of the most high-profile divorces of the decade? Be her best friend. Get her trashed. Make sure she doesn't wear underwear. Be with her when crotch shot is snapped. Just brilliant.

Update: Wow, that wasn't even the worst of it. The world premiere of Britney Spears' labia, here.

Update 11/29: Oops, she did it again.

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn't have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you'd clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He's giving Tom's children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That's right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol' Becks when he's not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie's little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don't need soccer lessons because they won't be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren't getting married (unless I truly don't get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It's not a GIFT! You can't hold it!

It's the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C'mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here's hoping.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare my "free backrub" coupons for momma.

Introducing...New Commenting Software!

Hi all. Beet here. I changed our commenting software to Haloscan last night, and this should make commenting much easier, especially for those of you who are not registered with Blogger. So quit lurking and say hello to us! We love your adoring praise, your blind, hateful criticism and, of course, your spam.

Email me at evilbeet@gmail.com if you are having problems using the new comments.

Kisses,
Evil Beet

Fashion Victim of the Week

Karen and Gaston Nogues from the Skin + Bones Opening Night Party at MOCA ladies and gentlemen. Karen, honey, animal prints are in but we ask you to do them in a tasteful way not wear them over your nightgown with a matching bag. Everything is wrong with this outfit. It hurts my eyes. I think I'm hungover on Turkey.

The Happiest Porn You Will Ever See

I don't really understand what this is advertising...It looks like a mix of "do you want a little sucky sucky?" and some Saturday morning kids TV show? The Japanese are funny, that is all I know.

Heidi Klum Unveils Her Latest Design

Project Runway host Heidi Klum and husband Seal sent their latest creation down that fabulous runway of life on Tuesday. (Look, just be grateful I didn't make the runway/birth canal parallel I was trying for originally.) Klum (well, Seal) made the announcement on her website:

TO OUR CHILDREN, A BROTHER TO OUR PARENTS, A GRANDSON TO MY WIFE AND I, A SON TO OUR FAMiLY, A BLESSING JOHAN RILEY FYODOR TAIWO SAMUEL WAS BORN AN 11/22/06 AT 17:01 in L.A. WEIGHING 8 LBS 11 OUNCES. HE IS HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL AND LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER.

Klum and Seal have another son, Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Damuel, age one. Klum also has a two-year-old daughter, Leni, from a previous relationship.

K-Fed Offered a Job!

Perhaps Mr. Britney Spears won't have to resort to selling sex tapes after all. While his soon-to-be ex-wife traverses the country on Paris Hilton's coattails, Kevin Federline has reportedly been offered nearly $300,000 to appear on the U.K.'s Celebrity Big Brother.

According to an insider, "Kevin is hugely entertaining because he takes himself really seriously - even though no one else does. He'll be great for the show because it's all about larger-than-life characters." Although Federline's "real" fans should not be counted out -- X17 snuck cameras into his recent House of Blues show, and caught Kevin leading an (unironically) cheering crowd in a chorus of -- if I'm hearing this right -- "Fuck K-Fed." I'm not sure I completely understand the context, but about halfway through the film someone holds a Long Island iced tea up in the air, and that's really all the explanation I need.

The Greatest Float Ever

I hope you enjoy this half as much as I do. Please also note the overall shape of the NutMobile. Good on ya Planters!

Gobble Gobble

Personally I don't understand why Evil B and Evil T get the day off while I am forced to watch the Evil Lab. I know I'm the new guy, but that seems arbitrary.

The good news is it's just you and me (my little lonely Thanksgiving web surfer) and we can break the rules a little around here. Hey, what's that noise?

Why, it's Thanksgiving Music Thursday!



Very pleasing yes? It's the band that you first heard on the Cruel Intentions soundtrack, Placebo, back and updated for this new generation with a fun song called "meds."

Crap. I just heard a noise coming from the Evil laundry room. Maybe I'll check back with you later if I survive.

Robbie Williams and Lisa D'Amato???

Okay, okay, I was seriously going to go away for the night, but then I came across this article from -- where else? -- ChinaDaily:

Robbie Williams and Lisa D'Amato get it on. The twosome reportedly have been dating for a month.

It is said that the singer has been seeing Lisa since he met her at a party in Hollywood last month.

"Robbie and Lisa hit it off immediately and swapped numbers the first night they met," said a source. "Lisa is young, gorgeous and fun to be around and they are getting on really well."

"It's only early days but Robbie seems really confident it is going somewhere. It takes a lot for Robbie to trust a girl, but he is completely relaxed around Lisa," the source added. "She has been spending quite a lot of time at his place, which proves just how keen he is."

Lisa D'Amato, for those of you who don't remember her, was the drunkie favorite on cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model (although she got booted toward the end for some dumbass, unwarranted reason). Robbie Williams, of course, is the British pop singer/heartthrob. Random! Well, you go girl! I always liked her.

You Should Try Some Billy Madison with that Zora Neale Hurston. Penguin.

Eagle-eyed Beet reader Anna emails us advising we check out the Library of America Collection on Amazon.com. This $4000 compilation of classic gems of Americana includes the complete novels of William Faulker (in five volumes), the reportage of World War II and Vietnam and the writings of our revered Founding Fathers.

The good folks at Amazon.com always take the time to include a "Better Together" recommended companion product for your intended purchase.

So, what does Amazon.com suggest you pick up to perfectly complement these "authoritative, unabridged texts?"

Why, that other celebrated contribution to classic Americana: Adam Sandler in Click.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Beet out.

Rosie, Ripa, Aiken All Non-Sexually Kiss and Makeup

That's a weird math equation. Clay wouldn't do either Ripa or Rosie, Rosie would probably put the hammer down on Ripa, but I'm guessing Ripa would pass on Mr. "McUseMyHandsBecauseICan'tThink" (that may be the longest McFakeLastName joke ever, EvilB let's put an intern on researching that).

Anyway, the news from The View is that everything is fine and could we please move on to talking about Babwa Wa-Wa's wisp again?

Walters said:

"This is what I want to say. Rosie O'Donnell is one of the kindest, most sensitive people I know. And so is our friend Kelly Ripa. And Rosie and Kelly talked yesterday after the show. Rosie and Clay Aiken have talked. And all is well with the world, and all is well with them. So let's move on."

Hmm. Rosie may indeed be kind, in fact I fondly I remember that one day she brought me lunch without my even asking, but I'd take a bit of umbrage at that "sensitive" label. Unless sensitive means butting your nose into other people's affairs and then totally screwing someone over whom you're professing to defend. Then, by all means, she's as sensitive as all get-out.

Blind Item! A New Lip-Syncing Scandal???

Yay!!!

The lawyer who writes the Crazy Days and Nights blog posted a sort of blind item today, implying that someone big in the music industry has been using an unknown singer's vocals on, well, all her albums. The real singer, who he refers to as "S," has not been getting her usual hush money, and now wants to come forward with her story. The famous singer, who he refers to as "MV" (for Milli Vanilli), has been "recording" since 2001, has had several hit songs and at least one gold record. The kids at Idolator have narrowed it down to four top guesses: Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore and Christina Millian. They're going with Mandy Moore.

What do you think?

Network Televison is Like High School

Today I was in a cab going to work (usually T does take the good ole subway but the foot is still on the mend) and I saw these HUGE NBC billboards up procliaming that they are the #1 network for morning and evening news shows. I didn't really put two and two together until I was reading PageSix. They were up right in front of ABC studios on West 67th St. Evidently, NBC, sad that they are getting wacked in the ratings from shows such as Lost and Grey's Anatomy decided to pull the network equivalent of a "na nanny boo boo." They are nice billboards but a bit of an overkill. Why not try to get more viewers to the shows that aren't doing so well like "Friday Night Lights" and "Studio 60" rather than pat themselves on the back for not sucking it up a couple of hours in the day. ABC, of course took the "high road" stating, "Maybe if they spent that money on the staff they've been firing as opposed to some sophomoric stunt, they'd be in better shape. We didn't realize that layoffs of 700 people and billboards were part of their strategy." Snap ABC. Hopefully this bitchfight continues. Maybe Meredith Viera can go slap Kelly Ripa in the face.

Screech Sex Tape: The Review

Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond's feces-riffic opus, and here's what they had to say:

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through "1 Night in Paris" purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both "Mark" and "Bro".

Diamond's entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including "You grew up with me, baby!") eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down...

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face (Ed: frankly I'd prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.

In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I'd not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party -- apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it's even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.

Jimmy Kimmel's K-Fed Haterade

Check out Kimmel's mucho funny Federline-drowning monologue at last night's AMAs.

Would You Buy Cosmetics From Jackie Chan?

Via CNN this afternoon, "Jackie Chan has launched a cosmetics line, his Web site said Monday, adding to the action star's diverse range of businesses that include fitness clubs, restaurants, a clothing label and cookies."

I understand the fitness clubs and I could get used to some hot Jackie Chan active wear but...cosmetics? How is Jackie Chan really in a position to sell womens cosmetics?

Evidently, "Chan's skin care products, packaged with recycled materials, use natural ingredients that don't pollute." That's all fine and good but if I use this will I be able to kick some serious ass? Does his blush give me Kung Fu powers? Otherwise I'm sticking to NARS y'all.

Jay-Z Leaps Towards Mediocre

I have to say I loved Jay-Z a few years back. Before Beyonce, when he was sampling musicals I thought he was at least a litte bit of what the kids call "dope."

Sadly he's now very annoying. You can't shake a stick without hearing him talk about coming out of retirement. If you're going to retire when you're in your twenties you better damn well wait a decade to "come back." And why the hell would a rapper even bother retiring anyway? Just stop putting out albums man, we'll get it. It's not like your knees are shot or you need medicare you jerk off.

Even better, he was on Monday Night Football this past week. Wait for the relevance to come to you. Oh wait, there is none. None whatsoever. He's from Brooklyn so they tried to tread water with the "So, ah, how about them Giants" line but as it turns out he's a Cowboys fan. I mean gimme a break over here.

Slate.com did me one better though calling the new album his worst ever. He's been sliding downhill for quite some time, and honestly if I was knocking boots with Beyonce I'd mail in my "art" too.

(Spiteful Lars slams mike down, once again winning the rap-battle)

Lindsay Lohan Sobered by Death of Robert Altman

LiLo released the following statement yesterday:

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.
When we shouldn't..... '

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,
BE ADEQUITE
Lindsay Lohan

I hope you don't mind -- I've taken the initiative to put in bold the distinctly AA phrases ("12st book" here means, I'm sure, "12-step book") Lindsay used in her statement, which, quite frankly, sounds as though it was written while under the influence. This is the same young lady who, earlier this month, was spotted leaving the Ivy wearing an AA 90-day chip. Well, Linds, even if you're not staying sober, it's good to see some of that 12-step business is sticking in your head. Keep coming back, I guess!

Good and Bad: Revenge of the Nerds Project Scrapped

TMZ reports that the remake of Revenge of the Nerds shut down production just weeks after filming began, after they lost their location at Emory University, where they'd planned to shoot a third of the movie. It is thought that Emory pulled out of the project because of its "raunchy" nature (um...did anyone at Emory think to watch the original?) .

This is sad because I loved the original of this movie and was kind of excited to see a remake. It is wonderful, however, because it means one less publicity opportunity for Kristin Cavallari, who'd recently begun dating her co-star from the film, the even-lesser-known Nick Zano. I'm sure her relationship with him will continue to thrive and blossom even though this movie got cancelled. Kristin doesn't fall in love lightly. Or for publicity.

Late-Night Links

Britney Spears and K-Fed briefly reunite to jointly issue one last depressing statement: they did not make a sex tape. [Agent Bedhead]

Somehow -- somehow -- Wesley Snipes has managed to compare his tax evasion indictment to rape and accuse the federal government of racism in a single well-advised statement sent via email to a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel. [E! Online]

I still haven't figured out who this Katie "Jordan" Price person is, but she's selling her implants on eBay. [Hollyscoop]

Will Smith homeschools his kids, because he knows everything. [Junkiness]

Kristin Cavallari has found someone even less famous than Brody Jenner to date, her Revenge of the Nerds "co-star," Nick Zano. [Superficial Girls]

Nicky Hilton Sues for Hotel Name

Nicky Hilton is being forced to take a break from planning the launch of her be-penised line of boutique hotels, Nicky O, as she's suing Eneliko Smith, a man she'd hired to help her develop the hotel. Nicky says Smith "held himself out as an experienced operator and marketer of boutique hotels." Well, Smith is clearly far more experienced in matters of business than the wee Hilton, as he had the foresight to file a patent application for the name.

Nicky is pissed -- she's asking for damages, and she wants a judge to issue an injunction prohibiting Smith from using the name. Smith claims he created the concept for the hotel, and that it's well within his rights to apply for exclusive rights to the name.

After this is all over, Nicky will consider incorporating the business venture she's been working on for over a year, and, if all goes well with the Miami grand opening next year, she'll look into an insurance policy sometime in late 2008. But lest we judge too hastily, let's remember that her older sister chugged a bottle of Grey Goose and puked on a Las Vegas stage this weekend.



[source]

T Links Off for the Night

Before the T signs off for the night from the East Coast. Here are some links...

Enjoy vintage Mario Lopez via our friends at [College Humor]

Another athelete decides that he is going to "persue after other opportunities," which will probobly result in a failed acting career/DUI arrest [A Socialite's Life]

Young boys are hot for Jessica Alba to be their substitute teacher. [Hollywood Tuna]

I kick myself that I didn't guy Google stock back in the day. [Brietbart]

What should you watch tonight on TV? They agree with me that "Friday Night Lights" is awesome and you really should give it a chance. [Pajiba]

Blind Item! Ellen Pompeo & Mia, Sittin' in a Tree...

From Gatecrasher:

Which prime-time cutie could use some medical advice from her co-stars? At a recent appearance, the gossip was all about how her fingers are discolored from bulimia.

So this pretty much has to be Ellen Pompeo. I guess Sarah Chalke from Scrubs is another possibility, but I don't think it's her (newBecky knows better than that). Or someone on ER? Are there still people on ER? Are there still people who watch ER? Every time I see a preview for that show it catches me by surprise, shakes my reality up a bit, like, "They're still filming that show?" If Noah Wyle had a child who was born the day ER first aired, that kid could be an executive producer today.

Evidently The President of Kazakhstan Has a Sense of Humor

Every few weeks The Beet will get an email from someone upset at something that we have written. We secretly love these emails because we know that we are hitting a nerve. For the famous, and want to be famous, really any publicity is good publicity. Don't believe me? Paris Hilton is the best example. Linsday Lohan secretly owes the paparazzi for her career. Getting your name out there is the name of the game.

The President of Kazaskstan thankfully has realized this idea that any publicity is good publicity and in an article for The Hollywood Reporter he has stated, "This film was created by a comedian so let's laugh at it, that's my attitude."

Finally somebody gets that this movie is a joke. Though, "Baron Cohen's jokes have become a public relations headache for Kazakhstan as the former Soviet state seeks to portray itself as a modern nation of well-educated professionals and a major non-OPEC oil exporter," the President Nursultan Nazarbayev thankfully has taken the high road and simply enjoyed his country's name recognition in the world.

If you haven't seen this movie it is worth the hype. Plus, I heard "Babel" was the worst movie ever.

Clay Aiken vs. Kelly Ripa: ROSIE WEIGHS IN

Check out the footage. Says Rosie: "If that was a straight man, if that was a cute man, if that was a guy that she didn't question his sexuality, she would have said a different thing. To me that's a homophobic remark." (This is based on Ripa telling Aiken that she didn't know where his hands had been -- after he suddenly put his hand on her mouth). See, I agree with Rosie about the cute man part -- Brad Pitt can put his hands inside my mouth, or really wherever he wants, no need to ask permission -- but anyone else -- gay, straight or Clay Aiken -- is going to take some heat from me if they stick their hand on my mouth. Ripa phones in to say just that.

Many are saying that Rosie -- intentionally or unintentionally -- "lanced" Clay Aiken (meaning she outed him -- the term comes from Lance Bass being outed by comments his boyfriend made). I mean, I think we're all aware that Aiken's gay, but he seems dead set on staying in the closet, and if anyone crossed the line o' respect in all this, I think it was Rosie.

Paris Hilton Has Alcoholism The Flu

Our favorite heiress was partying in Las Vegas recently, when she puked on stage. Josh Radin gives us the play-by-play on his MySpace page.

“Paris Hilton …was sitting next to me the whole night. Seriously, next to me, like our legs were touching for a good 5 hours. Now don’t get the wrong idea. She never once said hello, nor even looked in my direction. Five hours. And it was unreal to watch. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every 6 minutes to stare at herself and pose while Jay-Z was performing 18 inches from us. [When Jay-Z left the stage], Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her ‘record’ on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs. She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves. . . I find the music business charming.”

Oh Paris. You're so beautiful. Your life must be so much fun.

Robert Altman Dies, World Continues Per Normal

It's been on a hundred sites already but I like the guy who runs the site linked to below so if you've got to read serious news about Robert Altman passing away do so here.

Now we return to normal haterade speak, Robert Altman was never my guy, but if I had a dime for every time someone said some random movie was "Altman-Esque" I'd be living on Goddamn planet dime. Truly he hasn't had a worthy film in a long time, I mean you're looking at MASH (1970) or The Player (1992) if you wanted to be hurtful and break it down.

Worst of all, Prairie Home Companion was his last film and it was so average that critics couldn't even work up a good lather about it. It was kind of like "eh."

Some say a little part of him died on set during that shoot because Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bang him. For any director that's got to be the beginning of the end.

We'll miss you Mr. Altman. And we'll keep "Altman-Esque" going strong here in the movie community.

Man, I just read that back for editing purposes and it's mean even for me. I'm going to go bathe and think about what I've done.

Michael Richards Apology Video

From Letterman last night. Watch it before YouTube yanks it.

Let's Go to The Mall

For everyone who wished that the late 80s/early 90s never left us...here is a clip from last night's "How I Met Your Mother." It makes you long for the days of slap bracelets and biker shorts.

The CBS Strikes Back

Remember the Janet Jackson nonsense? Well CBS does to and they are suing the FCC over the 550k they were fined. I think someone at CBS realized the only show they have left that people watch is C.S.I. so they decided they'd just start lashing out at monolithic organizations. Next up, the Boy Scouts! Actually, they kid of deserve it. Anyway.

I will say in this point they've got the high ground, the FCC is a demon from hell sent to haunt our dreams. Here's a bit of the reasoning behind the decision:

"(The incident) was unintended, took place without the knowledge of the network, and should not be considered indecent."

Furthermore CBS wants you to know the JJ breastacle was:

"unscripted, unauthorized and unintended long-distance shot of Ms. Jackson's breast for nine-sixteenths of one second."

9/16ths! Go get em CBS! And wouldn't you have loved to be the intern with the stopwatch getting that number exactly right?

Take us home CBS, the official network of old people:

"The network stated that the "blink and you miss it" nature of the episode went "largely unrecognized for most of the broadcast audience."

Whoa there. Now you've lost me. It may have gone unrecognized for the 9/16ths of a second it took everyone in the world to overreact, but even I caught that Ms. Jackson had given us a little more for our entertainment dollar. Man, CBS, why didn't you just say "You can catch the same nipple action on EvilBeetGossip.com"? Or anywhere on the massive entity I call the internet. Or on Showtime. Or on the Oscars when someone wears a J-Lo dress. Or perhaps you should have used the ultimate in network comebacks with "Hey, our freaking logo looks like a nipple you jerks."

Picking up the Pieces

For the record, Abbie Cornish claims she and Ryan Phillippe are "friends and that's it." [Just Jared]

In a last-ditch effort to make something good come of Elizabethtown, Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are now officially dating. [A Socialite's Life]

Nicole Richie fires celeb stylist Rachel Zoe, possibly because she's the only person on the planet who makes Richie look obese in comparison. [Perez Hilton]

Kate Moss's fiance, Pete Doherty, is arrested for possession of crack cocaine. [Cele|Bitchy]

Carmen Electra is old now, too. And bless the girls at Dirty Laundry, who always link to the full-size photos of celebs, so you can check out every little zit and wrinkle on her aging little face. [Dirty Laundry]

BREAKING AGAIN: Transcript of Michael Richards on Letterman

CBS just sent out their press release from the taping of Letterman this afternoon (the actual interview will air on CBS tonight). Fresh from my inbox:

Richards was featured via satellite from Los Angeles during an interview with scheduled guest Jerry Seinfeld, who asked Richards, his former “Seinfeld” co-star, to appear on the CBS late night broadcast. The following is an excerpt from Richards’ interview:

Letterman: “Why don’t you explain exactly what happened for the folks who may not know.”

Richards: “I lost my temper on stage. I was at a comedy club trying to do my act and I got heckled and I took it badly and went into a rage and said some pretty nasty things to some Afro-Americans, a lot of trash talk, and uh…”

Letterman: “And you were actually being heckled or were they just talking and disturbing the act?”

Richards: “That was going on too.”

* * *

Richards: “…You know, I’m really busted up over this and I’m very, very sorry to those people in the audience, the blacks, the Hispanics, whites – everyone that was there that took the brunt of that anger and hate and rage and how it came through, and I’m concerned about more hate and more rage and more anger coming through, not just towards me but towards a black/white conflict. There’s a great deal of disturbance in this country and how black feel about what happened in Katrina, and, you know, many of the comics, many of performers are in Las Vegas and New Orleans trying to raise money for what happened there, and for this to happen, for me to be in a comedy club and flip out and say this crap, you know, I’m deeply, deeply sorry. And I’ll get to the force field of this hostility, why it’s there, why the rage is in any of us, why the trash takes place, whether or not it’s between me and a couple of hecklers in the audience or between this country and another nation, the rage – “

Letterman: “But Michael, let me interrupt here for a second and ask a question about had the people doing the heckling or the people who were not paying attention, had they been white or Caucasian or any other race, what would have been the nature of your response then?”

Richards: “It may have happened. It may have happened. You know, I’m a performer. I push the envelope, I work in a very uncontrolled manner onstage. I do a lot of free association, it’s spontaneous, I go into character. I don’t know, in view of the situation and the act going where it was going, I don’t know, the rage did go all over the place. It went to everybody in the room. But you can’t – you know it’s, I don’t – I know people could, blacks could feel – I’m not a racist, that’s what so insane about this, and yet it’s said, it comes through, it fires out of me and even now in the passion that’s here as I confront myself.”

BREAKING: Michael Richards Is Sorry

Apparently taping just wrapped on tonight's David Letterman, and Michael Richards made an appearance via satellite to apologize for the awful, racist remarks that had their webcast debut today.

A source at Defamer, who was at the taping, says "they got Michael Richards to be on the show via satellite. He apparently insists that he's not racist, even though he kept referring to 'Afro-Americans' through the interview."

Another source at TMZ says that Richards was near tears during the apology. Richards' excuse is rumored to be "rage issues." Uh-huh. That's like saying your excuse is "actively hating black people." Nice try, Mikey.

Richards appeared as a part of a previously-scheduled interview with Jerry Seinfeld.

Set your TiVos, kiddos!

Josh Hartnett Cheats on Scarlett???

Scarlett Johansson is currently in England filming The Other Boleyn Girl, but perhaps her thoughts should be focused on The Other Hartnett Girl. Scarlett's boyfriend, Josh Hartnett, was recently spotted in Sydney having a seemingly romantic weekend with a woman who is definitely not Scarlett. When Josh and his girl were spotted at an airport, the actor told photogs to "get fucked."

Rumors of trouble in the ScoJo/Hartnett paradise have been circulating for awhile. Scarlett is said to be unhappy with the fact that Josh is always away filming, and I think Josh is having some trouble coping with the fact that every man on the planet jacks off to his girlfriend. Remember, before Scarlett, Josh dated his high-school sweetheart, Ellen Fenster, until early 2004, way after he was already famous. So is it really a big surprise that he's back to messing around with a no-name?

Oscars, why do you hate me?

Every year I get sucked into the Oscar debate and every year I end up bitter. It's not so much the idea of the Oscars that bothers me, it's the execution. The awards are based solely on appearance and buzz, they have nothing to do with actually watching movies. Why? Because, by and large, the voters don't watch the movies. Why not? Because they aren't movie reviewers, they're actors, writers, and directors, and they are busy pursuing their careers. Asking them to look at the 50 movies nominated would be like asking them to carve out a month of their time. It's silly talk. So I don't even blame the voters. Who do I blame? The system. There's got to be a better way than this. Someone call Public Enemy.

Along comes this article in which USAToday takes an early look at the competition. I'm happy we're taking an early look, I like looks, the only problem is that of the eleven films listed five of them don't even merit a rental. Here are some quick hit thoughts for venting purposes:

Little Children: Not a good film. It's a film that's made for snobs, long and boring with no real point. It's like they put it in an entertainment sucker-outer. No noms for you!

Flags of Our Fathers: Very poor. Long, boring, pointless, cliched, hackneyed, silly, infuriating. A good example of how to make a classically poor over sentimental monstrosity. I liked it otherwise.

Babel: Probably the worst film of the decade. This isn't even a joke.

Volver: This film isn't horrible, but it is being graded on a huge curve because it's from Spain and in Spanish. Oscar will slot it into the best Foreign Film category and then quickly forget it.

Stranger Than Fiction: A very average effort. It's a failed romantic comedy and a failed drama. Let's not call it one of the five best in anything other than "Will Ferrell's 2006 movies" (where it would rank 3rd).

Reading this back I'm not even sure why I'm so mad. I guess I just want my people to see good cinema. The good news is that article mentioned Dreamgirls too so there is officially a groundswell.

Rant over.

Yes...That Was a Bad Idea.

"If I Did It," the book where OJ Simpson essentially confessed to the murders of his wife and Ronald Goldman has been cancelled. News Corp. today decided that not only was the book a bad idea, but also the two-part TV Special that was to air during sweeps before the Nov 30th publication of the book. Rupert Murdoch, News Corp Chairman, stated today,

"I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project. We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson."

Thankfully this mess has come to an end. I don't know who OJ Simpson thinks he is but in no way is it a good idea to confess in a book and on televison to killing the mother of your children.

[Source]

The Guy from Seinfeld Hates You (if you're black).

Oh happy day. A Seinfeld alumnus is in the news again, and this time it's not for a cancelled show. TMZ has a video and some lovely text about the guy who used to be Kramer going off, Wu-Tang style, on some hapless hecklers. Evidently the set wasn't going well for Michael Richards because he had to fire back at the crowd with this doozy:

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."

This sentiment was launched at one of our African American brothers, though one has to question the historical validity of "forking." I've never heard of such a practice. In the video someone can be heard saying "Oh my God" but it's far too late by then. Your God will not save you from Cosmo Kramer you poor bastards.

This just goes back to my old adage, something momma taught me so many years ago "If you're given crazy millions for a sitcom that's gone, and then you've got about five more decades to bum around, you are in for one hell of a non-fun time."

David Schwimmer, beware.

Team Karen or Team Pam?

I am obsessed with "The Office." Best Week Ever has a great recap of last week's episode. In it, they bring up the point that they are actually Team Karen. After months of wanting Pam and Jim to get together, I also think that Jim and Karen are a cute new couple. She really likes him, and Pam did miss the boat on that one. To show your support you can buy t-shirts that say "Team Karen" or "Team Pam" here.

The Internet is full of debate on this very important Office issue. I really think "The Office" is the best show on television and now it is getting really interesting.

For our readers who are big Office fans please leave your thoughts on this important national issue below.

God Help Us All

It's like the perfect storm.

[At the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas]

Monday Morning Music

Here is my new favorite artist. His name is Mickey Avalon. I saw him in San Diego when he performed at Aubergine. He is a punk rapper from the mean streets of LA. Essentially, America's Pete Doherty. He likes to rap about his penis, drugs and his skills in the bedroom. He has quite a past working as a male prostitute so his angst is legit. Take the Federline. I wouldn't do him but he has quite the female fan base. Lyrically I think he is quite fun and "Jane Fonda" is my new favorite booty shaking song.

American Idol Oscar Talk?

In my alternate life I am a really big-time movie reviewer, think Ebert without an alarming predilection towards a coronary. Anyway, in this lofty position I get to screen movies before the general public and I recently caught Dreamgirls. I won't really get into the movie other than to say it's really, really good, and this is coming from a guy who would rather not see movies that fall anywhere near the "musical" category.

What I do want to mention is that there is now officially a buzz around former Idol contestant Jennifer Hudson, she plays one the main characters in Dreamgirls. This is buzz (and it's now industry buzz, not just "me" buzz) in the sense that she's locked and loaded for at least an Oscar nomination and most likely will enter the award show season as the prohibitive favorite. Normally I would make some snarky comment here but she's deserving in this case. So deserving in fact that after I was reminded she'd been on American Idol I did one of those cartoon like shaking of head, eye bulging moves. She was so effective that I completely blanked on her Idol performance, those two performances had about as much in common as the Dalai Lama and an actual llama (the llama in this case being American Idol).

And I now return you to snarkiness as I point out that the fact that Justin "don't call me pepperoncini" Guarini didn't get the first Idol Oscar nomination is shocking, absolutely shocking.

Curses. After that I feel so guilty that I'm compelled to put in a link to Justin's official site.

Cleaning up the Weekend

Britney Spears and her new extensions score with the Vegas casinos and possibly Mario Lopez. Some other bloggers may refer to Lopez as a star of Saved by the Bell and, more recently, Dancing with the Stars. I will, now and always, refer to him as the jackass who married the Doritos girl and then cheated on her three days after the wedding. Come on, Brit. You can do better. [Faded Youth]

Kimberley Stewart denies having a liver disease, agrees with me that her father crossed the line by a good solid mile. "I love my dad but sometimes he has a big mouth, and not just when he's singing. I don't have a liver disease." [Celebrity Smack]

Why bother getting raped when you can just pay to have sex with Mike Tyson? Heidi Fleiss says she has hired the boxer as an "employee" of her planned Nevada brothel for female clientele. [Tabloid Whore]

I know I give her a hard time, but I'll be honest: Katharine McPhee looks killer in these recent photo shoots. [Pop on the Pop]

Okay, it's over. I have been putting off saying this for a really long time -- even though I saw it coming -- because it's saddening to me, and it feels like the end of a truly glorious era. But it's happened, and there's no more denying it: Pamela Anderson looks old. [Teddy and Moo]

TomKat Wedding Video

This is so weird I had to post it. This will be the only time I speak of this sham marriage. We have lost Joey Potter forever. I wonder what Dawson thinks about all of this.



Enjoy!

Bad Boy!

So this is a pic o' the Bachelor, Lorenzo. He is chatting with an unidentified female companion. Now, my picture of them making out was too dark which makes me sad. Please take my word for this. I'm guessing his relationship with his bachelorette is over. Why do they still have this show on the air. It doesn't really work...ever.

If I can photoshop up my darker pic I'll post it.

Enjoy. The T is back in NYC so I'll hopefully get a good scoop out of "contacts" here.

The TomKat Wedding: It's Finally Over!

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie's father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise's children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise's best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie's sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I'm kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don't understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: "Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes." If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone's in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they're an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you're on your own.

The Bachelor Spotted!

Ok, so this is a bit redundant but last night I spotted the Bachelor Prince Lorenzo Borghese with a woman who was definitely Sadie or Jennifer, the women that he is choosing between tomororw night. These things never work out but I know that he is supposed to pretend to date her for a few months at least, or at least until the show is over. I have photos of him and a mystery blond canoodling which will be up tomorrow and T got a little drunk last night.

Isaiah Washington Speaks!

Did anyone catch Friday's Oprah? I'm just now watching it on my TiVo (keep your jokes to yourself, assholes), and she's interviewing the whole cast of Grey's Anatomy. She asks Isaiah Washington about the Burkegate scandal last month, and here's what the cast had to say:

Isaiah: I really honestly think that, for me, it was a combination of fatigue, pride, passion and -- I've been working with these beautiful men for three years now, and we had an argument as brothers. It came about in a time and a place that was overwhelming for both of us.

Oprah: Was it an argument, or a fight?

Isaiah: No, it was not a brawl, fisticuffs and all that stuff, no, no, it was not, it was not.

TR Knight: And thing is, we've been together three years, and you form a -- for lack of a better word -- a kind of family and so we're gonna argue. The hours are fifteen hour days, and now we're working a lot of weekends, and, so, it's gonna happen, but I think the strength of our cast is, like, how we handle it, so we don't, like, deny it.

Oprah: (to Isaiah) I heard you did a public statement saying that your behavior was below your personal standards. So you still feel that way?

Isaiah: I feel that the actions that I've had an opportunity over the last four weeks to get some serious self-examination about my part in the argument.

Oprah: So you basically lost your temper, right?

Isaiah: Yeah, I lost my cool, but it wasn't coming out of a place of "animice" (ed: I, um, think he means either "animosity" or "malice." So he decided to just combine them. English is neat like that.) for Patrick or TR or anyone, it was coming out of a place of trying to stay focused about the work, and the one thing I understand about myself and my passion about everything I do is that the opposite of love is indifference.

Oprah: Elie Weisel says that all the time. (ed: uuuuuugh)

Isaiah: Absolutely. (ed: uuuuuuuuuuuuugh) And if I will ever become indifferent to this man (gestures to Dempsey), this man (gestures to Knight) or this show, anything, there wouldn't be anything for me to argue about, there wouldn't be anything for me to care about. And I really feel that, out of that caring, we got ourselves into a debate that had to happen, and it happened at that point, it happened at that time, and as a matter of fact, I realized I have more in common than this man (gestures to Dempsey) than I ever thought in terms of clothes, cars. I don't have his hair.

Dempsey: I think we've all really learned a lot from this experience, and I think we're all much tighter because of it, because I think what happens is we just needed to be open and to be able to communicate and not let things build up, and I think we've come to that point where we're like "Okay, it's much freer to communicate with each other" and we're more relaxed with each other because of it. And I think the whole company's tighter because of that. (goes on to talk about how James Pickens, Jr, aka Chief Webber, put them all in a room to talk about it.)

Pickens: I was like the hall monitor ... We're a family. We spend more time together than we do with our families, and, in families, you have a beef. (Goes onto talk about how the media built it up way too much. )

Isaiah: Apologies were made to each other ... and we went back to work.

The First TomKat Wedding Photos

These are shots of the guests leaving their hotel to catch shuttles to the actual wedding site.

Victoria Beckham has apparently decided to skip the Cruise/Holmes vows altogether, opting instead to attend some manner of funeral being held by the cast of Melrose Place.

To celebrate Cruise's virility, Jennifer Lopez has dressed as a penis.

More later...

TomKat Wedding What? Kate Hudson's Hubby Files for Divorce

I refuse to let this one slip through the cracks, no matter how perfectly Chris Robinson thinks he may have timed it. The Black Crowes rocker filed for divorce from wife Kate Hudson on Friday, citing irreconcilable differences and asking for joint custody of their son/daughter/creature (If you'd cut his hair, Kate, we wouldn't have to mock him. It's that easy.), Ryder, 2. The couple did have a pre-nup, but details are not currently available.

Robinson and Hudson first announced their split mid-August, when it was rumored Hudson was romantically involved with You, Me and Dupree co-star Owen Wilson. In late October, Robinson was photographed kissing a mystery woman at LAX.

Robinson is represented in the divorce proceedings by Laura Wasser, who's also signed on to hold Britney Spears' hand through her divorce from K-Fed.

HOORAY PORN!!!

We've got a lot of good stuff for you today, kids:

The Mischa Barton nude scene video.

Paris Hilton's breast.

And what week would be complete without Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

Don't say I don't love you guys.

SHOCKER! Kim Stewart Has Liver Disease

Rod Stewart offspring and Paris Hilton sidekick Kimberley Stewart, 27, has liver disease from excessive alcohol consumption, her father told Rolling Stone. Before I get into the details, I'd like to note what a great dad Rod Stewart must be. This is really what fathers are for: alerting the national media when your liver malfunctions because you're a raging alcoholic. It's like that one time my dad called his buddy at Reuters when I got my first period. I love you, Pops. Seriously, was Rod Stewart drunk when he gave this interview?

Says the elder Stewart: "She just discovered that she had a very serious liver illness from drinking too much. She said to me, 'Dad, I'm half Scottish - I thought I was allowed to drink a lot.' "I said, 'No, darling, it doesn't work like that.'" Ah, that glorious moment in all father-daughter relationships, when the daughter assumes that her genetic predisposition to alocholism somehow also shields her from its consequences, and the father, wise from many years of drunkenly saying mind-blowingly stupid things in interviews, assures her that this is not the case. Apparently Stewart has quit drinking and smoking three months ago and has started seeing a liver specialist.

If you can believe it, Kim's brother, Sean, has put some time in at a rehab center for drug and alcohol problems.

On a side note, could this be the "friend" for whom Lindsay Lohan was wearing an AA 90-day chip earlier in the month? Are Lohan and Stewart even friends? I'm not certain, but I do love to speculate on these matters.

Angelina Jolie's Bodyguard Arrested

Three of Angelina Jolie's bodyguards were arrested in India today, and later freed on bail, after parents at a local school complained that they were injured and abused by the bodyguards. The problems began on Thursday, while Jolie was filming A Mighty Heart at the school in Mumbai, India. The gates to the school had been locked during the shoot, but were opened so that parents could pick up their children. At this point, the guards allegedly pushed a small child, and referred to the families as "bloody Indians."

Jolie's lap-dog and apparent spokesperson, Brad Pitt, has apologized to Mumbai police for the incident: "I am sorry for whatever has happened and for any inconvenience caused to the sentiments of people. We love children and would not do anything to harm them." Don't worry, Pitt didn't suddenly get even more ridiculous-sounding; this quote comes from the Mumbai police chief, paraphrasing Pitt's comments to him.

Jolie did manage to make a statement of her own: "As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a 'bloody Indian', let me say this: I would never work with anyone who was derogatory towards another man's race. My family is of mixed race. It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos."

Even Communism Can't Stop Bond

I'll echo my Evil sis' thoughts on Daniel Craig being hunkish but I do have some reservations about the pursed lips that Craig comes dangerously close to flouting in Casino Royale. If he clenches his cheeks just a little more he's entered Courtney Taylor of the Dandy Warhols territory which is not a place you want to be.

I do have good news though. China has reviewed the film and found no reason it can't be shown without editing. Mission Impossible 3 was edited to hell because it showed China in an unflatteringly light. And don't even get me started on Memoirs of a Geisha. I think I read the Chinese government issued some type of fatwa against that.

EvilBeet, I'm doing my best to get us banned in Bejiing!

I Resent Being Called an Armed Thug

Why the hell are there video cameras everywhere? Am I a huge dork because I love a video game system? Whatever, people act like this is an overreaction but they're fools I tell you, FOOLS!

Daniel Craig is Hot

I was a little hesitant, much like the rest of the free world, when they announced that Daniel Craig would fill Pierce Brosnan's shoes as the new 007. I knew he had rocked Sienna Miller and done a movie called "Layer Cake" but other than that I was a little taken aback. I loved Pierce Brosnan. He was the sexy Englishman that I've been looking for all my life. Daniel Craig seemed more "dirty hot." Well I am seeing this movie pronto because this man is super sexy. This photo above demonstrates why the ladies will love Daniel Craig.

I have also heard fantastic things about the film. It is supposed to be a darker take on 007, how he got his license to kill. At least Denise Richards isn't in it. She was the worst Bond girl ever. Here is a snippet of a great review.

"The new film is a crackling adaptation, and heartwarmingly old-school. Casino Royale opens in black and white, features a grainy bathroom brawl, and just when you're getting used to the way this Bond kicks, makes him jump up and shoot at the camera, making the screen go red. Wow. Cut to a superbly animated title sequence and the finest Bond song since the Sean Connery films (It's called You Know My Name. Chris Cornell, take a bow) and the purists are enthralled. This is bloody classic."

There you go ladies and gentlemen! Check it out this weekend.

Fashion Victim of the Week

The T is back in NYC so I thought today to cover a nice little Vogue Event where Kate Spade wore THIS. It is a pretty color but it is a huge coat. I have seen this woman and she is relatively petite. This makes her look huge and weird. I used to think her bags were the "it" thing when I was in high school. You couldn't pay me to wear this orange thing she is carrying. I understand she is all proper but this weird outfit looks oddly like a costume. Come on honey, little black dress...housecoats are so 1954.

Um...I Like Lindsay Lohan Today

This hasn't happened in a long time. She recently gave an interview to GQ, and, you know what? She's pretty funny. I laughed -- with her, for once, not at her. Here's a snippet:

We met Lindsay Lohan in the garden of the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. We had a margarita. She had a…beverage.

Can we tell people we’re doing this interview in the men’s room at Yankee Stadium?
Yes. And tell them that we’re dating.

Does it make you sad that celebrity magazines never write about you?
It does. I really wish they would do more. I’m trying to become friends with all the cool famous people, the ones that go to clubs all the time—try to get into those tabloids a little more.

Tell me about an average day in the life of Lindsay Lohan.
It starts out with a 5 a.m. hike through Runyon Canyon to watch the sunrise. Then I go outside, and I try to find the paparazzi. I go down to Robertson Boulevard, try and search for them, find them, and bring them food.

And then what do you do at night?
Well, of course, I’m sitting at the computer all night.

Have you ever read anything interesting about yourself on the Internet?
No. I wish they’d be clever and make something up for me.

There’s some interesting stuff about you. Irocman39 in Skokie, Illinois, says you’re the “smokinest woman on the face of the earth”—
God bless him.

—and that he wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating saltines.
I don’t eat. Don’t you people know? It’s all about anorexia and bulimia nervosa.

After computer time, when do you go to bed?
No later than 9:30 p.m.—ever. On a good night, it’s eight fifteen.

And to top it off, she looks damn hot in the photo shoot. She only spends about half of the shots giving the camera her patented I'm-Lindsay-Lohan-and-I-am-confused-and-surprised-by-my-surroundings look. And I love her shoes. That has never happened.

As If You Could Love Tina Fey Any More...

The kick-ass former Saturday Night Live head writer (the first woman to hold that title), dished to Howard Stern this morning about how Paris Hilton was a "piece of shit" SNL host. Fey said Hilton had "the hair of a fraggle", and left "nasty wads of Barbie hair on the floor" from her "cheap weave." Paris refused to do any skits that poked fun at herself. She asked the writers to create a skit in which she could play Jessica Simpson, "because I hate her" and "she's fat." When Paris grew frustrated with the writers, she would "lock herself in her dressing room."

Fey says that the cast had a running bet to see if Hilton would ever ask another castmate anything personal (like, say, "How are you today?"). Hilton came close -- the socialite managed to ask Seth Meyers about the ethnicity of Maya Rudolph.

[source, source]

Shanna: Paris Should "Take Her Valtrex"

Check out this X17 video of Shanna Moakler last night, after the Dancing with the Stars finale after-party. A photog asks her if she's talked to Paris since "the incident." Shanna laughs and says she has not. The guy follows up by asking her what she would say to Paris if she were to talk to her. "She should take her Valtrex!" responds Moakler. Valtrex is, of course, a herpes medication. Ouch.

On a side note, Shanna's lost most of her marriage weight and is starting to look really good again.

Nicole Richie Weight Watch

Nicole leaving an L.A. salon on Wednesday. She looks AMAZING!!! Hooray, Nicole! I'm so glad you're back!

It's a Boy for Jamie Pressley

My Name Is Earl star Jamie Pressly announced that she is expecting a baby boy on Wednesday night's taping of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Pressly is four months pregnant, and the proud papa is her fiance, deejay Eric Cubiche. Pressly describes hearing about the sex of the baby from her doctor: "She looked at the picture and said, 'If that's not a boy that's a third leg.' Of course, Eric says its because he's Cuban."

Pressly and Cubiche got engaged last month, after Pressly denied rumors that she was pregnant. "I was only a month pregnant so I lied, which is a woman's right," she says. The couple have already selected a name: Dezi James. The "Dezi" comes from a running I Love Lucy joke between the couple, and James is Pressly's father's name.

The happy couple, who have been dating for a year and a half, are in no rush to get married. "I do want to be a princess for a day," says Pressly, "but it's not necessary to do that before you have kids. A lot of women do it later."

The Rest of the Sexy Pants

Okay, after Sir George (and really, let's just Knight him already) here is the rest of the list from People:

2. Patrick Dempsey
3. Ashton Kutcher
4. Taye Diggs
5. Johnny Depp
6. Josh Duhamel
7. Enrique Murciano
8. Leonardo DiCaprio
9. John Krasinski
10. Jake Gyllenhaal

Both good and horrible choices here. Also EvilT, EvilB, why no chiming in on this? Must I be the only grader of manflesh?

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher at #3 is preposterous. My cat exudes more sex appeal and I don't even own a cat. I love Johnny Depp and his disaffected hair so I salute that one; I only wish us thick hair guys could compete with our giant bushels of Afro.

Leonardo DiCaprio? Really? Well, if you like your men waiflike and flaxen like back in the days of rampant tuberculosis I guess I could see that.

The #9 choice, John Krasinski, is actually really solid. When I saw the name I didn't know who the hell it was but it turns out he's the guy from The Office (but not Steve Carell). I think I would date him, and he's about to become a giant movie star as evidenced by his smaller roles in two very "buzzy" films, For Your Consideration and Dreamgirls.

Enrique Murciano is the guy from Without a Trace. It seems to be a TV show of some kind. I wouldn't know him if he physically assaulted me and left a card that said "I'm Enrique Murciano."

Josh Duhamel is very close to not being worth even talking about. He was decent enough in the show Las Vegas but this is more a case of People Magazine star building than calling it like it is. Plus if you knew everyone on the list you wouldn't bother purchasing it which would make Mr. People Magazine Jr. very sad.

My final complaint is Patrick Dempsey. I haven't met a woman yet who doesn't swoon for him but I can't for the life of me see it. He disappeared for like a decade! Was he being sexy when he was passing out resumes? Let's call his sexy quotient what it is, a flash in the pan cheap kind of sexy that makes all of us feel a little dirtier. Wait, I just read that back and maybe that's what sexy truly is.

Crap. I hate you Patrick Dempsey. Call me.

George Clooney Still Sexier Than Actual Sex

He's done it again. George Clooney has taken home the "Sexiest Man Alive" title from People magazine. He first won it nine whole years ago, clearly there are no traditional limits on this man's sexuality.

Here's the problem I have with George Clooney; there is no problem. He gives great interviews, he's got great friends, he chooses great projects. This is highly frustrating to someone who sees the celeb world as a collection of freaky deaky folks. It also means that Clooney is hiding something unspeakable like he's got a twin who's hooked on PCP or he once killed a cat because he was bored. I don't know what the thing will be when it comes out but I guarantee you'll shake your head because you never saw it coming. Well I did. Everyone's got something to hide.

Fine, he's damn sexy, and that's coming from a happy straight man. But later today I'm going to have to go after the rest of the list with both guns blazing.

Picking up the Pieces

Oh hells no! Britney removes K-Fed from her top 12 on MySpace. That's what you get for writing mean things about her on shower walls, Kevin. [Faded Youth]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are turned away from the London world premiere of Casino Royale, after someone very wise determined that perhaps Queen Elizabeth should not share a red carpet with a world-renowned cokehead. [Agent Bedhead]

Madonna confirms that she plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, in order to "redress the balance" in her family. Madonna says things like "redress" because she's British. Oh wait. [Dirty Laundry]

Donald Trump is going to be a grandpa. Sadly, it's not because Lance Armstrong knocked up Ivanka. [The Bosh]

Madame Tussaud's unveils the new Ashlee Simpson wax likeness. What's that? Oh, I'm told that's actually Ashlee Simpson. [Celebrity Smack]

Okay, so, in college, some friends and I determined that Sexual Misadventures with Kimmy Gibbler would be, hands-down, the best band name ever. My reasons for mentioning this now are twofold. First, it's still true, and someone should get on that. Second, Bob Saget actually makes reference to sex with Kimmy Gibbler in this clip of his stand-up, where he sings "Danny Tanner Is Not Gay" to the tune of the Backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way." [BWE]

Are you ready to masturbate to sneakers? Reebok sure hopes so. They've hired Scarlett to co-create a line of footwear and apparel and star in the ad campaign. [IDLYITW]

Finally! It's time for the Reese Witherspoon love interest rumors! Up first: Jake Gyllenhaal. [Hollywood Grind]

IT'S TOO LATE FOR KATIE HOLMES!

Rumor has it that TomKat officially tied the knot last night in an Italian civil ceremony, complete with their little Asian baby in tow. They will still have their Oprah-less wedding this weekend, but THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE!!

Oh, Joey Potter. How lovely you once were.

A Winner Emerges in the Race to Sue Perez Hilton

Congratulations, Splash News. We thought the smart money was on X17, but we've always loved you guys. Nothing on their website yet (perhaps their lawyers advised against it), but Jossip has the video (of course there's video). They found Perez the same place anyone can -- at the Coffee Bean in Hollywood -- and handed him a cease and desist letter.

Perez has long been an enemy of the paparazzi, as he often runs photos without giving proper credit. We all do that, really, but few of us make our living doing this stuff, or have the readership Perez does (between 2-3 million unique visitors a day). Furthermore, most of us pull copyrighted photos on request. Perez hasn't always been so willing to do that.

Ah, well. Let the games begin.

Kellie Pickler on Childhood Abuse

The AmIdol standout, whose album is at #1 on the country charts, and who may have her own sitcom soon, reveals to Us Weekly that she suffered childhood physical and emotional abuse at the hands of her mother.

“I remember my mother and I were in the kitchen and I said, ‘I wish God would take me away, I’d much rather be dead than live here with you.’ She took a knife out, set it on the counter and said, ‘Here, do it then.’ I was in fourth grade. Of course I never would have acted upon it, but it’s done a lot of emotional scarring.”

So come on, Kat McPhee, let's hear about that fucking eating disorder one more time. I dare ya.

Month of Makeovers

Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, and now...Tara Reid.

Remember a year ago when Tara Reid was showing up to events looking like this.



Now she looks like this.



I'm glad finally someone taught her how to brush/wash her hair and do her makeup. She used to be really smokin and I'm glad she finally embraced the fact that she is 30 and an adult. I'm guessing there was a team of people responsible for this...if so, they should win an award.

The Mile High Club Just Got Dangerous

For those who are unfamiliar with the term "mile high club" it essentially means doing it in the airplane bathroom. It is best done on an international flight when all the lights are out and nobody can tell what you are doing. (Don't ask if I say this from experience). The dumbest thing to do is to try to get some nookie on the airplane in plain sight. A couple, who I'm guessing had had too many cocktails at the airport bar, did just that on a Southwest flight and now are paying the consequences. According to an article on Breitbart, they were seen "snuggling and kissing inappropriate...making other passengers uncomfortable,(the man) was observed nuzzling or kissing Sewell on the neck, and ... with his face pressed against Sewell's vaginal area. During these actions, Sewell was observed smiling."

I guess the flight attendant asked them to stop and the man threatened her with "serious consequences" if they were not left alone.

At landing, they were charged with violating the Patriot Act and could be charged with 20 years in jail. That seems a bit extreme, don't you think? Makes you think twice about getting busy in the air. Sad, air travel used to be so much fun.

Nicole Richie Weight Watch

This is Nicole shopping at Barney's on Monday. Looking good, Nicole! That gastric bypass removal sure did wonders for your health.

[source]

Billie Jean is Back in a Major Way

I saw Casino Royale yesterday and heard Chris Cornell bust out the theme. It wasn't as bad as you'd think. But I've stumbled across something so horrific that you must listen to it post haste.

Chris Cornell covers Michael Jackson's 'Billie Jean' Here.

I have no idea how long that will stay up so hurry. The song could've have been a good cover by someone, somewhere, but Chris comes off like a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Brian Adams. Beautifully Wretched. Enjoy it.

Chantilly Lace and a Hypnotized Face

I don't know that I want to turn into EvilBeet's official CruiseKat guy but the stories seem to be calling to me. Here's a fun tidbit, Katie just dropped three large on some lingerie. Included in the windfall:

1) A $340 thong
2) Matching robe trimmed with ostrich feathers that set her back $620
3) A lace bra with Swarovski crystals for $380 and matching thong with crystals for $175

Now admittedly I don't know a ton about thongs but aren't they um.. well not much fabric? What would cost $340? Does it come with equipment? Also, why are we killing ostriches? Isn't it shame enough that they can't fly?

Finally, I would like to put the Crystal thong on my personal Christmas wish list. I think I deserve it.

A Brief Review of Babel

From my new favorite source, a brief yet elegant review of this two-and-a-half-hour Brad Pitt opus.

"babel sux. dont see it. the end."

Also, my beloved JGuars have sent me another Justin video. I adore you guys, but keep your Beet writers straight. Evil T wrote the bit about Justin having a nice voice, not I. (Yeah, I'm watching you.) I truly admire your determination, though, and your Ghandiesque approach to growing the Justin fanbase. Keep at it, guys! I'll keep running them.

O.J. Simpson is a Seriously Disturbed Individual

Mr. Orenthal James refuses to disappear into obscurity, and, if that means he has to keep bringing up that whole yeah-I-killed-my-wife thing, then that is what will happen. Honestly, can someone just take one for the team and give this guy a movie role already?

According to the AP, Fox plans to broadcast a two-part interview with Simpson in which he will regale us all with tales of "how he would have committed" the brutal murders of his ex-wife and her friend, Ron Goldman. Simpson has agreed to an "unrestricted" interview with book publisher Judith Regan (who I had the distinct pleasure of meeting last year, and who would probably kill your wife, too, if it helped her close a deal).

The interview will air November 27 and 29. This all comes, of course, at the head of the tidal wave that is O.J.'s forthcoming book, If I Did It (Can you guess the publisher? Can you? Think real hard.), in which The Juice "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

O.J. can, of course, go on and on about all this for as long as he damn well pleases, as double jeopardy laws prevent him from ever being convicted of the disgusting crime he clearly wants the world to know he committed. And Judith Regan is happy to collect the money you'll pay to listen.

Dave Chappelle Pulls a Dave Chappelle

Perhaps Dave Chappelle should try his hand as a magician, since he seems to have this disappearing act down pat. At the last minute, Chappelle canceled this Thursday's scheduled appearance at Las Vegas' Comedy Festival. Bill Maher, whose act was supposed to follow Chappelle's, will now perform an extended set. Chappelle has not provided an explanation, and the Comedy Festival is issuing refunds at points of purchase.

This isn't the first time Chappelle has pulled a stunt like this. In May 2005, he mysteriously walked away from his Comedy Central hit, Chappelle's Show, and surfaced in Africa soon after. Said Chappelle at the time: "The bottom line was: White people own everything. And where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?" This time around, reps for HBO and Chappelle, once again, cannot be reached for comment.

I Link We're Alone Now

Rachel Weisz says it's okay to drink while you're pregnant. "Amen to that," says Lindsay Lohan's mom. [Cele|Bitchy]

If there is, in fact, a way to get America to a film version of Sweeney Todd, it's probably Borat. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Shocker of shockers. Justin Timberlake is out and about, being a self-absorbed ass. [Girls Talkin' Smack, Pop on the Pop]

Oprah and her couch are not invited to the TomKat wedding. [Bossip]

If Paris and Nicole can be BFF again, perhaps there's hope for Britney and Madonna? [The Bosh]

You should return that bulk purchase of lube to Costco, guys. There won't be an Eva Longoria/Beyonce lesbo flick afterall. [Junkiness]

Michelle Trachtenberg and DJ AM? In my mind, this is the definitive answer to "Which B-list celebs do you care about the absolute least?" But apparently they're also banging. [A Socialite's Life]

Pam Anderson Really Likes This Outfit

Last night, Pam Anderson wore this gold ensemble both to Hyde and on Jimmy Kimmel's talk show. I suppose the real question is, which did she do first? From her behavior on Jimmy's show, I sure hope she was doing some drinking beforehand.

Michelle Rodriguez In Love with a Girl

Via The Advocate's interview with Kristanna Loken, star of Terminator 3 (although if Rodriguez tells her side of the story, it will undoubtedly be through People, our nation's A- and B-list one-stop-shop for publicly coming out):

At first Loken, 27—who has a recurring role as lover of Shane (Katherine Moennig) on Showtime’s The L Word this season—affirmed that she’s in a relationship but wouldn’t specify the name or gender.

Then we mentioned the tantalizing stories Loken has told in past interviews about getting tight with Rodriguez when they filmed BloodRayne in Romania. Here’s what happened next.

What about all the stuff that was said about you and Michelle on the shoot?
[Laughs, then takes a deep breath] There is the $64,000 question. Um…I don’t even know how to answer that.

It seems like you both had a lot of fun partying.
Uh-huh. [Smiles, doesn’t say anything]

OK, your silence says volumes.
[Both laugh] Just don’t look upstairs, OK?

Ooh, OK. You don’t want me to print that?
You can print it. [Laughs again] The very hot housekeeper. No, just joking.

Honestly, just reading this, it doesn't necessarily seem like she and Michelle are lovers. I mean, it's possible the two of them got wasted and murdered several of the extras on the BloodRayne set and are storing the bodies in Kristanna's attic, which is guarded 24/7 by Kristanna's (very hot) housekeeper. But I guess you had to be there. The Advocate folks seem pretty confident on this one.

What Sucks and Costs $250 Million?

This is older news but you haven't heard about it yet. A friend mentioned this to me and I had to track it down for you, the adoring public. I'm about to blow your mind. Ready?

Evan Almighty could cost as much as $250 million U.S. dollars to make. That's million with an M. As in one quarter of a Billion dollars.

You may be scratching your head as to what exactly Evan Almighty is. It's the sequel to Bruce Almighty, the one where Morgan Freeman was God and Jim Carrey put a definitive end to his comedy film career. The movie was okay, and it was cool because Jennifer Aniston played a tree. Oh, she didn't? My bad.

But back to the budget, according to the article the film has run over on costs because:

a) it's a "spectacle fantasy and also a comedy."

b) the "studio's desire to release the film during the holiday season in December, thereby cutting preparation time and forcing the crew to shoot scenes in Virginia during a rainy period."

c) "Producers also encountered delays having to film hundreds of animals."

Okay, now I get it. They had to deal with pricey rain, it's a fantasy, and they had animals. It's like Singles mixed with Jumanji so you can see why it would cost bank and a half. I won't get into why they've decided special effects are relevant to a comedy because I know what really happened to the money and that's a much more compelling story.

Tijuana hookers, eight thousand pounds of blow, and the crazy "money bonfire" party that helped the cast and crew pass away those lonely Virginia nights.

Why I Love Los Angeles: Reason #842

When you order a Strawberries and Cream Frappucino at Starbucks, they ask you if you'd like cream with that. Something tells me that doesn't happen in Texas.

Oh, and Nicole says she didn't have a gastric bypass.

Speaking of Simon Rex

He was in the movie "Pledge This." You know, the one with Paris Hilton. The trailer makes sure that you know that she is in the movie. It looks awful, but awful in a "I'm suprised it didn't end up in theatres way." "Big Mama's House" made it.

Here is the trailer. Simon Rex also has his shirt off. He and Paris are both recognized porn stars. Fun.



What ever happened to "Pledge This" you ask?

Straight to video.

Simon Rex...Gay Pornstar

So I was looking around for information on this rapper named Mickey Avalon and I found out that his first record was recorded with friend and gay pornstar Simon Rex.

Um, the same Simon Rex the MTV VJ and actor? Evidently he has starred in such flicks as "Young Hard and Solo II." I guess this has been common knowledge for a while but I still am quite shocked. He went from Gay Pornstar to VJ to actor. Interesting leap.

Here is a rundown of "Young Hard and Solo II" from our friends at Exceptional Mediocrity

Rundown:

Simon in some PJ bottoms and a white tee sitting on the floor flipping through channels. Nothing's good on TV. Simon decides to pop in some entertainment, a wonderful video called "Young, Hard and Solo"(part one, presumabley) featuring a guy jerking off. Simon decides to follow suit and promptly removes his clothes and gets down to business. Jerk, jerk, jerk. Enter baby oil for easier jerkage. Jerk, jerk, jerk. Oh there happens to be a full-length mirror over here, let me get on my hands and knees facing said mirror and wank. (more like hand and knees, right?) Oh look, there's my ass all up in the camera. Jerk, jerk, jerk. This is not enough.... i want more friction. DING goes the light bulb... Simon goes missionary with the carpet and humps earnestly for like a minute, then he's back on his back, jerk jerk jerk... and then it ends.....

I must obtain the full clip, if indeed there is one which contains the money shot. I didn't go through all that shock and awe to be left with proverbial blue balls. I want the shot and I want it now! And I have to give Simon props in the endowment area. Nice Simon. Nice. Add that with the beautiful face....boy oh boy.

Oh my. Part of me wants to see this.

Disclaimer: I'm not being all Perez and insinuating that Simon is gay. I guess it was all solo gay porn.

Renee Zellweger: Kenny Chesney "Biggest Mistake of My Life"

Renee Zellweger has finally opened up about her whirlwind romance/wedding/annulment with/to/from country singer Kenny Chesney. The Oscar winner, who was once engaged to Jim Carrey, wed Chesney in May 2005 after only four months of dating. She filed for annulment four months later, citing "fraud" as the cause of the split.

Renee tells the British magazine Now,

There was no alternative but to let it go. I made the biggest personal mistake of my life. I felt a fool. I was looking for something else. I just needed to put acting aside. I needed to sit still and not to worry about the dresses and the hair and the travel and the interviews. I was going through huge life changes at the time. I wanted to stop and be a girl for a while. My marriage came during this time and it was desperately important to me. I don't want anyone to think I didn't take it seriously.

Sadly, the Bridget Jones star doesn't go into detail regarding the actual or perceived "fraud" in their marriage, but says simply that "there was no acceptance of my life or my friends."

Update: After I posted this, a source IM'd to remind me that the "fraud" refers to Chesney's sexuality -- specifically that he's more interested in Rons than Renees. Chesney vehemently denies these rumors, but my L.A. sources (some of them playing for Team Ron) call bullshit, saying the Angeles gay community has long called him a member. So who am I going to believe? My friends, or the dude who married crazy, crazy headcase Renee Zellweger?

Did You Know Oksana Baiul Was Still Alive?

At the Helio Drift launch party.

Ewwwwwww

"Which singer had to deliver her child via Cesarean because of a raunchy STD her estranged husband gave her?"

Via Page Six today this item leads one to believe that not only did KFed leave B saddled with two kids but also a nasty case of the herps.

Stay away from boys from Fresno.

Naomi Campbell Will Fuck You Right Up

The latest headline from the SfGate.com "Daily Dish" has Naomi Campbell whuppin' some ass again. Lookey here:

"Naomi Campbell reportedly has been charged with assaulting an actress friend last year. The alleged assault took place in a Rome, Italy, hotel in July 2005, with Campbell's friend Yvonne Scio claiming she needed hospital treatment for cuts and bruises to her face, according to British newspaper the Mail on Sunday. In an interview with Italian magazine Chi, Scio describes what she insists was a horrific attack."

A horrific attack! The damn near 5'10" Campbell spit out her mouth guard and carved Scio up like a turkey. The story continues:

"She pushed me against a wall and tried to scratch my face. Then she punched me two of three times in the face really violently and there was blood everywhere. I was petrified. I couldn't even cry because I was in such pain. I was stunned. She was like Mike Tyson."

Well, actually, she'd be a little worse than Tyson because I don't think he has three other civil assault cases hanging over his head.

But If you ask me that Italian bitch was asking for it.

Don't Do It Joey Potter!

We are four days away from America's sweetheart, Tom Cruise, giving up his flower one more time. This here link from ABC has a delightful sneak peek at the vows which are so awesome they must be broken down. They are as follows:

"Now Tom, girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills. A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat."

I should mention this is not fake in the slightest, this is what Tom really will say "Hail Xenu" to. A gal needs frills! To quote a British friend of mine "Luvs It!' Also, perhaps a cat? L. Ron, why not just lay it down, she either needs a cat or she doesn't man.

Here is what Katie will say "uh-huh" to:

"Hear well, sweet Katie. … For promise binds. Young men are free and may forget. Remind him then that you may have necessities and follies, too."

Okay, so Hubbard was a writer but he couldn't quite get the spirit of the word "folly" correct. A girl may be prone to folly, but I've never heard of follies. Okay, I just checked it out at Merriam-Webster and although it's a word I'm still mildly pissed off about the usage. I'd further note that if Tommy is still a young man at the tender age of 44 I look forward to many years of forgetting to buy cats my own self.

If these two crazy kids can't make it what chance do the rest of us have? The answer, sadly, is none because most of us are kinda-sorta on prescription medication and will never make it to the 42nd level of blinding light or whatever Cruise is up to now.

Bringing Back Husky

Hi there.

I've been asked to write up a short intro to explain who I am and what exactly I think I'm doing here. What I'm doing here is easy, I is a writer. I've lurked in the shadows of the EvilBeet world for a long time, watching EvilB and EvilT frolic and play in the Evil meadow. Finally, one glorious day EvilBeet said to me "If you keep staring at us I'll call the cops." I explained to her how much I loved the site and she offered to let me join in. How could I pass up this offer? My only reservation was the fact that I am a JustoGuar and had to click off certain entries with a disgusted sigh at the non-believers.

Now, who am I? Well, I grew up predominately in Boca Raton, Florida, home of the mercilessly elderly (though we do in fact have fantastic delis). I have a mom and I used to watch My Two Dads and I don't really want to hear any guff about Boca because I left there a decade ago with only my wits to support me. I enjoy rotini pasta. I'm qualified because I have no small amount of self loathing, indeed when I pass a mirror I generally get the feeling that something has gone drastically wrong. I hope I can entertain you despite my obvious flaws. Like a nymphomaniac's support group you should stick with me just in case a HELL of a lot of fun breaks out.

Finally, if you're one of those people I owe money to you can burn in hell.

Yours,
Spiteful Lars

A New Addition to the Evil Beet Family

The Beet is so, so excited to welcome a darling new boy to our little family. Spiteful Lars made his entrance to our world on November 13, 2006. Everyone is healthy and very happy. So far, he and Evil T are playing nicely together, and T is psyched to have a brother around the house. We are looking forward to many wonderful memories together.

Everyone please welcome Lars as he finds his footing in this mess we call a celeb gossip blog. Try to be nice (Justin Guarini fans, this means you). We're psyched to have him on board, as we sorely need some testosterone around these parts. No, not those parts, perv.

Let's Link this Through

Yup, the Spiderman 3 trailer leaked. Enjoy. [Derek Hail]

TomKat and Suri the Fake Baby (looking fake as can be), arrive in Rome for the contractually mandated wedding of the century. [Glitterati]

Leann Rimes sides with Faith Hill on the whole Carrie-Underwood-sucks issue. Classy. [Tabloid Whore]

Holy crap, stop the presses. Jude and Sienna broke up. For the eight billionth time. I honestly do not remember them getting back together. I'm sure I wrote about it, but I have some sort of Jude-Sienna mental filter that keeps that sort of info from sticking. I'm glad of it. [The Superficial]

This constant stream of Anna Nicole stories makes me want to mix methadone with antidepressants, too. The power company pulled the plug on her place in the Bahamas yesterday. [Allie is Wired]

Vogue doesn't want pictures of Britney Spears' baby. Not even for free. Damn. [HGW]

A little treat for the straight guys who stop by on occasion/accident: Alessandra Ambrosia photo explosion over at CelebSlam. [CelebSlam]

Borat Gets His Ass Whooped, House to the Rescue!

Sacha Baron Cohen, who stars in the Borat movie, may want to consider breaking character every now and then. Cohen approached a man on the streets of NYC and said to him, in character, “I like your clothings. Are nice! Please may I buying? I want have sex with it.”

The man was not amused, and promptly punched Cohen in the face. Who came to his rescue? Pal and fellow Brit Hugh Laurie, who plays the title character on Fox's House. Laurie was on his way to a bar with Cohen. Hm. Borat and House. That's a spinoff I'd watch.

Here's what I want to know: how come this shit never happened to Tom Green?

Reason #456 Why Teenagers Should Play Sports.

When I was a teenager I remember having a really crappy cellphone. I didn't know what my number was so people couldn't call me on the phone. My parents would page me on my little baby blue pager then I would use my little green screen cell. Maybe I had about 20 min which probably set my parents back 50 bucks.
Now, every time I see a teenager they are text messaging. I text a lot, I'm guilty as charged but it took me about 6 months to get more than a couple words out of my phone. These kids text continuously. It is nuts. So nuts that this is a quote from a story on AOL news.

"Sixteen-year-old Ang Chuang Yang typed the SMS (short message service) message in 41.52 seconds, beating the previous record of 42.22 seconds set by American Ben Cook in July, according to Singapore Telecommunications, organizers of the competition."

What? There is a competition for text messaging. Something about that is sad.

One Unfunny Human

This article from our friends at CNN poses a question: Is Dane Cook the Funniest Man in America? The answer is amazing in that it can be answered more quickly than a rattlesnake's strike - Hell No. Thankfully the article itself, 80 words into it, quickly retreats from the giant silly headline and attempts a new query: Is he funny (at all)?

And then the coup de gras, the URL includes the following text: danecook.notfunny.

My only theory is that one of the bigshots at CNN heard from his 12 year-old niece that Mr. Cook is simply hilarious and passed the headline along to a real writer. This real writer, having the exclusive under 50 (but over 12) knowledge that Cook isn't funny at all tried to tone down the piece so he didn't get ridiculed by friends and family. Then he turned it over to a tech guy to put in the system and that guy knew FOR SURE that Cook wasn't funny plus he was going to give the other tech guys a little nerd like shout-out (which is still in fact funnier than anything Dane Cook has ever done).

I guess what I'm saying is this; when do we get to see Employee of the Month 2?

Monday Morning Music

Just Jinger is one of my new favorite bands. Buy their whole album on itunes...now. It is really great plane/driving music and I love them even more after seeing this music video. This song has a great message...
Enjoy!