Even More Photos from the ANS Funeral

First set of photos is here.

Pictures from Outside the Anna Nicole Funeral

Anna Nicole's Funeral

We'll bring you details and pictures as they come, but here's the first shot from inside the funeral.

Although 300 people were invited, only about 100 attended.

The "well-known singer" was Joe Nichols. I've never heard of him.

Anna's coffin cover looks like it was designed by Bobby Trendy.

The throngs of fans outside Mount Horeb Baptist Church cheered Larry Birkhead's arrival, but booed Howard Stern's.

Also in attendance: Slash and Hulk Hogan.

More details as they come.

Anna Nicole: Still Dead, To Be Buried Friday

I'll be honest with you: I stopped following this Anna Nicole thing about a week ago. I'm peripherally aware that the forces of Birkhead, Stern and Arthur have continued to catfight in courtrooms across the nation, but once we lost Judge Seidlin, I lost interest. He was the most entertaining thing about this story for awhile. But I'm happy to report that, three weeks after her death, these crazy kids have opted to bury their "beloved" friend/client/daughter/paycheck/lover/kinda-sorta-wife in the Bahamas, with her son, which it has always been painfully clear were her wishes.

Anna will be buried tomorrow in a Pol Atteu custom-made gown, with an "over the top" memorial service. The guest list will be closely guarded: Birkhead, Arthur and Stern were each allowed to invite 100 people and no more. The memorial service will also include singing by a well-known performer whose name no one will disclose (Kellie Pickler? Fingers crossed.), and will most likely be closed-casket, because, you know, this woman's been decomposing rapidly since sometime in 1998.

And for those of you who are thrilled that this is finally over, remember, we've got a long and arduous paternity fight still ahead of us.

Farewell to you, Vickie Hogan, and may you rest in peace.

Mangling Language and Decorum

Almost every headline associated with the Anna Nicole Smith hostage situation (I'm sick of saying "saga" and "ordeal") reaches new heights of silliness. These guys hit the silliness clouds and then they hit the afterburners.

Here's the latest headline: "Smith to have 'over the top' memorial"

Over the Top was a really good movie in 1987 where Sly Stallone has to win an arm wrestling competition to get his son back (I think) but it is not a great tone to set for a funeral in my humble opinion. Perhaps dignified? Or somber maybe? How about "celebrating the life of Anna Nicole?" No, you're right, let's send in the clowns. Can we have the casket delivered on a flaming Harley? What about California governor Arnie involved somehow?

More fun with pull quotes:
The memorial service will feature large amounts of pink flowers, her favorite color, and singing from a well-known performer whose name organizers aren't ready to disclose.

Her hellish momma said "Of course it will be over the top because it's Anna Nicole."

The singer better be Wayne Newton. I will accept nothing less. Tacky 4 life!

All of the factual fun comes from AP of Nassau, Bahamas. Good work guys.

Early Evening Links

The National Enquirer thinks Anna Nicole's underlying cause of death was pneumonia. And if it ran in the National Enquirer, it must be true. [Celebslam]

I knew this world was missing something. I thought it was, like, a cure for AIDS and cancer, or peace, or even potable water, but it turns out it was just a hip-shakin' Beyonce/Shakira duet. Phew. [POTP]

Oh hells yes. A new Star Trek movie in the works! [Pajiba]

Carmen Electra's next big career move is as a magician's assistant in Las Vegas, where maybe she can make another marriage disappear. [popbytes]

Katherine Heigl isn't leaving Grey's Anatomy anytime soon, although they do hate her quite a bit around there. [ICYDK]

Jennifer Love Hewitt has very lovely breasts. [Egotastic]

KimberlyWalther.com Was Not Created by Kimberly Walther

Oops ... I did it again!!

HA HA HA.

Oh, Britney, please get healthy and come back so that these jokes can return to their home.

Anyway, when Anna Nicole's assistant Kimmie supposedly had a "website" bitching out Howard K. Stern, I mentioned I had some questions concerning its legitimacy, based on the date of its creation and the rest of the WhoIs information. Kimmie does, too. She says she wants the public to know that she has nothing but kind things to say about Howard K. and the rest of that bunch, and that she did not set up that website.

Kimmie Speaks!

Anna Nicole's former assistant and font-explorer extraordinaire, Kimmie Waltham, appears on Entertainment Tonight with freshly normalized hair to chat about Anna, Daniel and paternity ("She told me she didn't know who the father was."). Check out the preview.

Late-Night Links

Prince Harry has officially been deployed to Iraq, where his Nazi garb should go over particularly well. [A Socialite's Life]

Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez will be performing on American Idol in April. [IBBB]

Wow, even a wax version of Rachael Ray annoys me. [Agent Bedhead]

Nick Cannon marries a Victoria's Secret model he started dating three weeks ago. In Vegas. Oh, like you wouldn't. [Cele|bitchy]

The Britney "Shears" Photoshop contest. Seriously, some goddamn genius made a Smashing Pumpkins call. A must-see. [Stereogum]

That bothersome buzzing noise coming from the outer edges of the blogosphere is Kim Kardashian, still fucking talking about a sex tape that has nothing to do with Britney Spears or Anna Nicole. [Warship]

The video of the Judge Seidlin Show pilot Anna Nicole Smith verdict. [Ninja Dude]

Larry Birkhead claims that Anna Nicole miscarried a child by him in 2005. Additionally, he asserts that Princess Di used to send him naked pictures of herself, that Dana Plato planned to tattoo his face on her ass, and that there is an invisible purple elephant doing the Macarena in the middle of the room right now. Go ahead, prove him wrong. [INO]

Remember How Less Than an Hour Ago I Said the Anna Nicole Remains Trial Was Over?

If you don't remember, it's here.

But don't dwell on that, because it's not over. Poor Anna cannot yet rest in peace with her son.

Virgie Arthur's lawyer has announced plans to appeal the decision. They plan to formally file the appeal tomorrow morning. Virgie, Anna's mother, wants Anna brought back to Texas, and everyone else on the planet wants this poor woman to be buried with her beloved son in the Bahamas. I don't understand why her mother is doing this. Anna hated Texas and she hated her life there and she hated hated hated her mother. Let the poor woman rest in peace. It's over, lady.

It's Over (Kind Of)

Richard Milstein, the court-appointed guardian of Dannielynn, has announced that Anna Nicole Smith with be buried in the Bahamas, with her late son.

But we still have the paternity testing next week!

Anna Nicole Verdict...

Liveblog:

Man this judge is a jackass. What a blow-hard.

A bunch of stuff was denied. I don't understand the legalese.

Jesus, this judge looks like he's trying not to cry. What a tool. What the fuck is going on here? Holy shit the judge is crying.

They awarded the remains to the lawyer representing Dannielynn. He asks that this lawyer consult with all involved parties in making a decision.

Howard Stern's head is on the table. Virgie Arthur is crying.

"I want her buried," says the judge, "with her son. In the Bahamas. I want them to be together." But he's leaving that decision up to Dannielynn's lawyer, who I assume will agree to have her buried in the Bahamas.

Howard K. Stern is sobbing audibly. His freakin' lawyer is crying. Everybody is crying. Except Larry Birkhead. He's not crying.

"And I hope to God," says the judge, "You guys give the kid the right shot." He's still crying. This is the strangest damn thing I have ever seen.

The lawyers ask for a bunch of stuff I don't understand, then ask for use of the chambers for the rest of the afternoon. The judge says sure in the most long-winded, blow-hardy way. They want the courtroom sealed for their discussions. No cameras. Judge says sure.

Court adjourned.

Anna Nicole Meets Oz

Watching the Anna Nicole body snatching trial on Cnn and Msnbc is just brutal. The judge is like nothing I've ever witnessed in a courtroom, a complete jackass, completely unintelligible.

It's not that he's speaking in legalese either; it's these weird tangents he goes off on. They have nothing to do with the trial. For instance a few minutes ago he started talking about the first female judge in Broward county 20 years ago. When you figure out what that has to do with where/when/how Anna Nicole's remains will be handled please let me know.

He also asked Birkhead if filing a legal motion to obtain paternity tests a year back would put "stress into Anna Nicole's body." Again, what does this have to do with anything? No one knows.

The judge is the typical South Florida NYC blowhard. He's so happy to be on TV he's almost drooling. I hate this guy. He's turned what's already a circus into Goddamn fiasco.

**Update** Actual question asked to Birkhead "Was Anna Nicole Smith the love of your life?" This has a legal bearing.. why? It's good TV, sure, but how again does "love of your life" factor in to the law of the land? Does whoever has the most passion get to cremate her? The best part of that question is it didn't have to be answered because it HAD BEEN ANSWERED PREVIOUSLY. That's right, now they are repeating the crazy talk in some effort to have the Florida justice system barred from the land.

The Bodyguard gets called. "Did Anna Nicole have mood swings?" The judge asks this. Because of the little known section 1142.b which stresses mood swings and how they relate to your final resting place.

"Was Anna Nicole on drugs? How many road arrests have you made?" On and on into infinity.

Late-Night Links

Tyra Banks and Photoshop collaborate to reproduce her barrier-breaking Sports Illustrated cover ten years ago. I think we all know which party worked harder. [POTP]

Marcia Cross pops out those twins. [dlisted]

Anna Nicole Smith: same great trial, now with more decomposition! [A Socialite's Life]

The Desperate Housewives crew thinks they're gonna drag this thing out for four more years. I'll believe that when I see it. [ONTD]

Hollywood hands Barack Obama a clean $1.3 million. [FishbowlLA]

Yet another Perez Hilton lawsuit. But this one involves Jennifer Aniston's boobies! [Bricks and Stones]

Dancing with the Stars announces its new cast. The D-list line-up includes *NSYNC's Joey Fatone, which I find endlessly amusing, as he once hosted Fame, a wildly unsuccessful reality talent competition. Nowhere to go but up, now, buddy! [Celebrity Smack]

Kimmy Weighs in on ANS

Remember that girl Kimmy from Anna's E! show? She was very weird and completely in love with Anna. Well, she's weighed in on the current goings-on, and it turns out she hates Howard K. Stern as well. On her website, she's posted these rants (in a variety of fonts and format):

---------------------------------------------------------
Howard, let me see if I can get this straight

YOU LIED ON THE STAND TODAY! YOU SAID YOU DO NOT GAIN MONETARY BY BEING THE EXECUTOR OF ANNA NICOLE'S WILL? WHAT ABOUT THAT DOCUMENT YOU HAD HER SIGN ONCE YOU WON THE HUGE AWARD FROM HOWARD MARSHALL ESTATE??? DO YOU GET 10% OR 100% ??? SO YOU DO CONTROL THE EARNING TO BENEFIT YOU!!! WHAT A F&&*ING LIAR!!!!!!

Did anyone notice besides me when Howard left the stand he took his two white cups with him..hid them behind his copy of the WILL of Anna Nicole and sat back down at his attorneys table. When he left the room the cups were gone...in his or his attorneys briefcase I would guess.. What's wrong HOWARD. *&*&^%*^^(^% didn't want anyone get your DNA?

1. Researched laws from around the country and found one that would benefit YOU in any paternity case.

2. Convinced Anna Nicole to move to the Bahamas for the benefit of her child.

3. Daniel died within hours of arriving and you flushed WHAT down the toilet?

4. You loved Anna Nicole so much you turned your head when you signed the FedX for the METHADONE?

5. You loved Anna Nicole so much you had to rush out and buy a Yacht and to take her where? A watery grave?

6. Did you have enough time to empty the refrigerator of anything you wanted to hide from the corner?

7. My guess the reason you don’t want any DNA samples done on you or Dannielynn is they will find DRUGS in both systems.

8. Was Dannielynn born an addict?

9. Not for one minute do I believe Anna Nicole didn’t have another will made out. You know she was obsessive about taking care of her child. What did you do with the updated will? Or did it not benefit you?

10. How much of a percentage do you get from the Marshall case? Did Anna find out you were bilking her out of her hard earned money?

11. Do I ever want to see your snout again? NO I value my health to much and your track record is not good…..people are dieing around you…

12. Where is Daniels will? I know he had one made out.

13. OH Please, Howard! Hot Smoochie Lips, Inc….Tell the world you wanted to star in your own reality show.

14. Where are the gowns of Annas that you sent out to be dry cleaned and they never returned? Will we be seeing them on ebay?

15. You never slept in the same bed with Anna!! You crawled in there after she fell asleep…she never invited you to her bed!!!

16. Now you have E on your side they won’t show the real HOWARD!

17. The burial plots were bought by YOU…you sicko… that is the only way you could think of to finally get to sleep next to her each night?? After you are dead!!!! because it wasn’t happening while she was living.

Larry Birkead IS THE FATHER OF DANNIELYNN

Larry only wanted the best for Anna Nicole. He tried to do the right thing by her and his daughter.

I'll add more questions as I think of them.. In the mean time sell some more of your false delusions. You never had Anna Nicole and you know she is looking down on you right now saying F&&% YOU Howard! I knew I couldn't trust YOU!

I'm going to show up, when you least expect me! I have my own tapes... you had no right making a fool out of Anna like you did.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Damn, I really want to see these tapes.

Thankfully, she has a forum too.

A WhoIs search indicates the site was registered on Feb. 16 of this year, so I have to admit I have some questions about its legitimacy. Under address, "Kimmy" has written this:

Kimmy Walther

none

You will never know

Cleveland, OH 26555

US

Cute.

The Anna Nicole Remains Trial: Day One

The Florida court proceedings to determine what will happen with Anna Nicole's body began this morning. Before I begin with a recap, let me quickly explain to you (to the best of my understanding) what is going on here. There are two legal cases in progress regarding Anna Nicole. The first, in Los Angeles, California, is the paternity suit, where Larry Birkhead is pushing for DNA testing to determine who is the father of Anna's baby daughter Dannielynn. Howard K. Stern opposes the testing. The second, in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, exists to determine who gets custody of Anna Nicole's body. Most of the media attention today focused on the Ft. Lauderdale case, where the parties concerned were present.

Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, and Anna's mother Virgie Arthur entered the courtroom around 9:30 a.m. Anna's father, Don Hogan, was also present. The judge in the Ft. Lauderdale case is Larry Seidlin, a former NYC cabbie with a thick New York accent to prove it, who has reportedly hoped to have a Judge Judy-style television show of his own. He seems to have no problem whatsoever making a media circus of these proceedings. In fact, he appears to be encouraging it. He's quite a character, this judge. He's the anti-Ito.

Howard Stern wants Smith buried in the Bahamas, with her son, and his legal team argues that, as co-executor of Anna's will, he should decide what happens to her remains. Anna's mother's team argues that Stern is not a blood relative and should not have a say in this issue. Anna's will does not express her wishes on this matter.

Early in today's proceedings, it was determined that Judge Seidlin would take jurisdiction of the paternity case which is currently pending in Los Angeles, and a lawyer was appointed to represent five-month-old Dannielynn in this case.

Stern's lawyer, Krista Barth, kicked things off by complaining to the judge that Larry Birkhead's lawyer, Deb Opri, accused him of "killing" Anna Nicole Smith during court proceedings this morning. Video here.

Howard Stern took the stand to discuss his relationship with Anna Nicole, noting that they were friends, and then lovers ("This was years ago," he says. "We didn't say anything at the time."). Video here. He talks about how Anna never really recovered emotionally from the death of her son, and how she wanted to make sure that Daniel's coffin was secure, because "both she and Daniel were afraid of bugs." Video here.

In perhaps the strangest development so far, Stern's testimony was interrupted by a phone call from the Broward County Medical Examiner, who stated that Anna Nicole's body was deteriorating faster than normal. As such, DNA testing will have to be performed this week, instead of in two weeks as was planned. Stern sobbed audibly on the stand when he heard the news.

As the day wrapped up, the judge asked Howard K. Stern to appear in court again tomorrow. He was originally only supposed to appear today. The judge himself arranged for a private jet to take Stern on the short flight to the Bahamas tonight, and return him in the morning.

The Britney Spears/Anna Nicole Connection

In a creepy twist to the Britney Spears saga, L.A.'s ABC 7 reports that Body and Soul Tattoo -- which did Britney's two post-shave tattoos -- has inked Anna Nicole Smith in the past. Is Britney actually trying to set herself on the same path to disaster? It sure looks like it ...

In other news, a lock of Britney's hair from the shaving is now available on eBay. Bidding is up over one million dollars (but shipping is free!!!) with six days to go still. Know why? Drug testing, people. Drug testing. There's a lot of money in that story. I'm actually really surprised that Brit's people didn't make sure to collect every strand of that damn hair immediately. And no one's mentioned drug testing as a possible reason for Brit's shave-a-thon. It's not uncommon for drug addicts to shave their heads so they can't be tested for drugs that way. Maybe her record label has been threatening to keep her on a shorter leash.

There were reports earlier that someone was selling her lighter and half-finished Red Bull from that night as well, but it looks like that listing has been removed. There are also a ton of other people trying to sell the lock of Britney's hair, but it looks like those are all shams.

Mid-Day Links

Comin' atcha early today...

Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady split up in December ... but they're expecting a baby late this summer. [ICYDK]

Dog the Bounty Hunter has been cleared for extradition to Mexico, where they prefer serial rapists to bounty hunters. [Girls Talkin Smack]

Now I understand why Britney decided to shave her head this weekend ... it was Paris Hilton's birthday, and the blogosphere barely noticed. So sad! [Holy Candy]

Check out Anna Nicole's actual will. [Ninja Dude]

Just when you thought nothing about Vanilla Ice could possibly get more pathetic ... bring on the tax rap. [NewsToob]

Britney Spears and Snow White's Dopey: separated at birth? [Allie is Wired]

Sports Illustrated models work the red carpet (in dresses, but still hot). [Drunken Stepfather]

Funeral Home: Thanks, But No Thanks

I'm watching CNN on a Friday night. That's pathetic.

But I just heard on Nancy Grace's show that the funeral home Anna was scheduled to be embalmed at wouldn't sign the confidentiality agreement and so a new funeral home will have to be found. This is them if you want to check them out and maybe use them next time you're in Florida.

On one hand, that sucks because Anna needs some maintenance.

On the other hand I'm not entirely sure I blame them, the liability issues have to be kind of nasty there. If someone snaps a phone picture you're opening yourself up to bigtime legal disaster.

The good news is another funeral home has already been found and they have signed the agreement. So embalming is imminent. That should make your weekend.

Anna Nicole Is a Real Person

It's easy to forget that. But this video just acquired by Extra, of a 1993 reunion of Anna with her father, who left when she was two, is really humanizing. She's gorgeous, and she's so excited to see her father -- not crazy excited, just overwhelmingly happy -- and I remembered for a minute that this was a real person who struggled with real emotions, and not the caricature I write about each day. I assume Extra will show more of this tonight. Look out, Entertainment Tonight!

PS -- Yeah, I know Britney's been in and out of rehab today. I'll write that story when I damn well feel like it.