Late-Night Links

Prince Harry has officially been deployed to Iraq, where his Nazi garb should go over particularly well. [A Socialite's Life]

Rumor has it Jennifer Lopez will be performing on American Idol in April. [IBBB]

Wow, even a wax version of Rachael Ray annoys me. [Agent Bedhead]

Nick Cannon marries a Victoria's Secret model he started dating three weeks ago. In Vegas. Oh, like you wouldn't. [Cele|bitchy]

The Britney "Shears" Photoshop contest. Seriously, some goddamn genius made a Smashing Pumpkins call. A must-see. [Stereogum]

That bothersome buzzing noise coming from the outer edges of the blogosphere is Kim Kardashian, still fucking talking about a sex tape that has nothing to do with Britney Spears or Anna Nicole. [Warship]

The video of the Judge Seidlin Show pilot Anna Nicole Smith verdict. [Ninja Dude]

Larry Birkhead claims that Anna Nicole miscarried a child by him in 2005. Additionally, he asserts that Princess Di used to send him naked pictures of herself, that Dana Plato planned to tattoo his face on her ass, and that there is an invisible purple elephant doing the Macarena in the middle of the room right now. Go ahead, prove him wrong. [INO]

Another One Bites the Dust

It's official: despite constant denials, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are practicing Scientology. They have been spotted at the Scientology Celebrity Center in Hollywood, and have been taking Scientology courses at least since December. They were introduced to the religion by Leah Remini's hubby, Angelo Pagan (that's his actual last name). This explains why the couple has been all BFF with TomKat recently. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before we hear that Posh & Becks are Scientologists too. All hail Xenu!

Late-Night Links

If you had to be in rehab with Lindsay Lohan, you'd drink, too. [A Socialite's Life]

Not only is Britney Spears still dating Jewish actor/model Isaac Cohen, she's sporting a star of David. Also, I challenge all readers to beat X17's headline for this one. I don't feel it's possible. [X17]

Sienna Miller left her pants at the Factory Girl premiere. [ICYDK]

You always knew Paris Hilton was a racist bitch, but thankfully we now have it all on tape. [WWTDD]

Pete Doherty takes his eight millionth shot at getting sober. If this guy were a stock, I'd short it. [Cele|bitchy]

Brandy is slapped with a $50 million suit by the parents of the woman she killed in a traffic accident late last year. [Bossip]

Jennifer Lopez isn't a Scientologist, she just throws them her support when they're boosting her career. [Celebslam]

Jennifer Didn't Like Being in the Spotlight Any More Than You Liked Having Her There

I remember fondly a different era in celebrity gossip: those carefree days when nip-slips and crotch shots were nearly unheard of, when Lindsay Lohan was just that little girl from The Parent Trap and Paris Hilton was a hotel in France. When the only celebrity sex tape belonged to Pamela Anderson, and we were surprised when reality TV stars moved to L.A. and got agents. I recall those long-ago days when we ran a piece on Jennifer Lopez every. Single. Day.

So does Jennifer, and not as fondly as you'd imagine. She claims she made a conscious decision to leave the spotlight behind: "It was a choice," she said at the annual TV critics conference. "My life for me had become uncomfortable in the way that it was affecting my personal life and the people in it. So I decided I needed to take a look at that."

Then, she did the unthinkable: she spent time in places without cameras. "I realized there was a way to pull back from that. You don't go out as much. You choose different places to go."

Do you hear that, Nicole Richie? Lindsay Lohan? The next time you feel like giving a soundbyte about how much you hate the stalkerazzi, remember: there are clubs in Los Angeles that are not named Hyde.

Late-Night Links

Shanna Moakler continues her image rehabilitation tour by dating Jenna Jameson's soon-to-be ex-husband, porn producer (and sometime star) Jay Grdina. It's neat how both Shanna and her ex-husband, Travis Barker, have managed to find new love in porn stars. [Celebslam]

Check out the video for J-Lo's new song, "Que Hiciste." [popbytes]

Smashing Pumpkins rocker Billy Corgan is hooking up with Certifiably Insane Recovering Heroin Addict Courtney Love. [Agent Bedhead]

Paris Hilton runs out of gas in Beverly Hills, hangs out and flips through a scrapbook while the paparazzi run to get her gas. Rough life. [NYP]

Former SNL star Chris Kattan gets engaged to some hot chick he would totally never have landed had he not found some measure of fame playing Mango and Mr. Peepers. [Pop on the Pop]

Awww...this is really cute! Total hotties Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer, who both play doctors on House M.D., are engaged. Congratulations! [Cele|bitchy]

Cleaning up the Weekend

Britney can't figure out how to get her car to start and has to ask the paparazzi for help. [X17]

Mary-Kate Olsen's body is now so malnourished it is unable to sustain the pigmentation in her hair. [Perez Hilton]

Matt Damon thinks the Bush twins ought to serve in Iraq. He and fellow four-star general Robert DeNiro were discussing the war for a segment of Hardball. [Glitterati]

Congratulations to Jillian Barberie! The Good Day LA host is expecting a baby. [Tabloid Whore]

Where has Jennifer Lopez been the past year? Well, aside from her inexplicable attendance at Tom Cruise's wedding, she's also been working on a Spanish-language album to be released early next year. Check out a sneak peak of the first single, "Que Hiciste." [Just Jared]

Music producer J.R. Rotem, 31, fresh off his fling with Britney Spears, shows up at Koi holding hands with Hayden Panettiere, 17. [Dirty Laundry]

Links for the 8 of You Who Can Access This Site Tonight

Jennifer Lopez is turning to Scientologist pal Leah Remini for tips on how the religion can help her get knocked up. Does Xenu recommend you have a three-man camera crew from VH1 living in your house throughout the process, Leah? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Look, MTV, when you've resorted to The Real World: Denver, you can't exactly expect viewership to soar. Up next: Road Rules: Presidential Libraries. [Pop on the Pop]

Tony Parker caves. [Celebrity Smack]

It is a distant possibility that Nicky Hilton is not particularly involved in the, you know, actual work behind her new line of boutique hotels. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney's first (55-hour) husband happily cashes in on her recent media prominence, reveals she had a tummy tuck. "No duh," say six-year-olds nationwide. [Cele|Bitchy]

Pink wears underwear. Unlike some people. [TMZ]

The TomKat Wedding: It's Finally Over!

Well, those two crazy kids actually went and got themselves married. This Saturday, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were joined in holy matrimony at Odescalchi Castle outside of Rome. There were over 150 guests in attendance, including Victoria Beckham, Brooke Shields, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey.

Katie's father escorted her down the aisle, and the ceremony was performed at sunset by a Scientology minister (read about traditional Scientology wedding vows here). The wedding party included Cruise's children, Isabella and Connor, and the best man was Cruise's best friend, David Miscavige, who also happens to be the head of the Church of Scientology. Katie's sister, Nancy Blaylock, was her matron of honor. The wedding singer was Matt Lauer. Nah, I'm kidding, it was Andrea Bocelli. I hear there was a light drizzle at the start of the ceremony, but then things cleared up for the couple.

Since I honestly don't understand enough of these words to paraphrase the description of what Katie wore, I am going to jack it, word for tedious word, from Us Weekly: "Katie wore a fitted Armani off-the-shoulder bridal gown with a train in ivory silk cadis adorned in Valenciennes lace and Swarovski beaded crystal embroidery, featuring a delicate crinoline frill at the shoulders and a silk soleil border around the hem. The gown was complemented by an ivory tulle floor length veil and ivory silk shoes." If this sounds more like a recipe for a wedding cake to you, too, just check out the pics. For the rest of you fashionistas, People has a run-down of what the entire wedding party wore (summary: everyone's in Armani). Need more pictures? TMZ has one billion, and Teddy and Moo has the rest.

Tom and Katie left early the next morning for their honeymoon in the Maldives. Where are the Maldives? Apparently they're an island nation south-west of Sri Lanka. Where is Sri Lanka? Now you're on your own.

The First TomKat Wedding Photos

These are shots of the guests leaving their hotel to catch shuttles to the actual wedding site.

Victoria Beckham has apparently decided to skip the Cruise/Holmes vows altogether, opting instead to attend some manner of funeral being held by the cast of Melrose Place.

To celebrate Cruise's virility, Jennifer Lopez has dressed as a penis.

More later...

Happy Slow News Week to You, Too!

Slowest. News week. Ever. So, celeb gossip bloggers have taken to their favorite slow-news-week activity: posting outtakes and best-takes from celeb photo shoots. Check out some of my favorites, and pray that someone finally snaps that pic of Paris Hilton doing what she does best in the bathroom at Hyde next week.

Shakira at the Latin Grammys [Teddy and Moo]

Kristen Bell in Giant magazine. [HGW]

Paris Hilton in Seventeen. [MollyGood]

Celeb candids [celebrity nation]

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony at a Latin Recording Academy event. [YBNBY]

Brangelina and Maddox in India. [Hollyscoop]

Grey's star Ellen Pompeo on Friends, Kate Walsh by Roberto D'Este [HGW, more]

And, finally, a celeb nipple slip compilation video. [Celebrity Pictorials]

Justin Timberlake Launches Another Fashion Line that People Will Stop Caring About in 6 Months Tops

So Justin has premiered his new “clothing line,” William Rast, during Los Angeles Fashion Week Tuesday. He is in a long line of celebrities that have really no qualifications to make clothes yet do so anyway. Is this a good idea? Let us look at some past attempts by celebrities.

Jessica Simpson- Has 3 lines of clothing. Now, I had to go to a mall in suburban Illinois to find a Fashion Bug that actually carries her clothes. I bet Jess totes wears jeans shorts from the Fashion Bug.

(Good or Bad Idea: Um, awful idea. Jess was fined $100 million dollars for not endorsing her cheap-ass Princy Jeans.

JLo- Has both a mid-priced and a high-end line which includes a lot of sweatpants. Gotta give her props for making jeans for girls with a booty.

(Good or Bad Idea: Sweetface, her clothing company grossed $130 million in 2004)

Anna Nicole Smith- Evidently she has a line in the works to show off her “Tex-Sex” style.

(Good Or Bad Idea: Unless it comes with a free supply of those diet pills I ain’t buyin it)

Mandy Moore- So I just spent like 20 min attempting to find this phantom “t-shirt” line that I remember hearing about a few years ago. I live for shopping, but I have never even seen them anywhere. I still can’t find where one can buy them but I guess her motivation was that there was a lack of overpriced t-shirts on the market.

(Good or Bad Idea: Whatever, I don’t care anymore)

Weekend Update: Black People Can't Swim Edition

• Americans nationwide unite for the single purpose of helping CBS generate buzz for its upcoming season of Survivor: Racism, and the ever-observant Rush Limbaugh just wants to do his part to help. From E! Online: Hispanics, he said, "have shown a remarkable ability to cross borders" and "will do things other people won't do." Asians, per Limbaugh, are "the best at espionage, keeping secrets." Blacks "lack buoyancy" and are "more likely to drown," while the white man's burden will weigh down the last team with "guilt over the fact that they run things." I hope someone has thought to award this man an honorary Ph.D.
• Douglas L. Hall has written a script for Angelina Jolie. Would you like to read it? Now you can, at www.myscriptforangelinajolie.com.
• Jesse McCartney would like to take back what he said about Jennifer Lopez. If only he could do the same thing for the entirety of Summerland.
• Check out this video of two Chinese students lip-syncing to Jessica Simpson's "A Public Affair." Pay special attention to the motionless kid in the background who quietly plays a first-person shooter game on his computer while his roommates sing their hearts out. Thanks to Anna for the link.

JLo Preggers; Jesse McCartney Needs Additional Media Training

Let's start from the beginning: hottie Jesse McCartney is dating Katie Cassidy. Who is Katie Cassidy? For starters, she's David Cassidy's daughter, although I remember watching an MTV special about her fledgling singing career several years ago, and she had basically no relationship with her father other than him calling bi-monthly to urge her not to pursue a singing career. When the singing career eventually failed to pursue her, she must have gone into acting, as I hear she beat out the likes of Kristin Cavalleri and Jessica Simpson for the role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming film adaptation of Dallas alongside John Travolta.

Jennifer Lopez was originally cast as Sue Ellen in the film, but she dropped out suddenly several weeks ago. The rumors I heard explaining this were mostly a variation on "[ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] didn't want to work with [ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] because [ she / he ] is too [ divaesque / washed up and pathetic ]" with the occasional "Dude the script just sucked" tossed in for good measure.

Enter Jesse McCartney. In an otherwise mundane interview with Atlanta's Star 94, McCartney was asked if girlfriend Cassidy could give them the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the project.

"She didn't get fired," McCartney responded. "She's pregnant."

Oops.