Wednesday, January 31, 2007

BBC Love.

I just finished watching the entire BBC "Office" series and I have to say that I am in LOVE with the inspiration for the American hit. Tim and Dawn really give Jim and Pam a run for their money. If you need something to watch on a rainy (or snowy) afternoon get "The Office" on DVD and enjoy a lovely English comedy.

You will recognize some of these actors from "Love Actually," "Studio 60" and "Pirates of the Caribbean." They, like their American counterparts, were mostly unknown actors and actresses and now have enjoyed quite a bit of fame post series. It is funny to compare the two shows. There are many things that are taken directly from the English version and something things that are slightly implied.

The BBC "Office" is very dirty and much more bawdy than its American counterpart. A gigantic inflatable penis in the British version is toned down in the American version to a blow-up doll. They also have a brilliant usage of the word "muff." The characters go out to clubs and get tanked and talk very frankly about sex. It is really funny to watch Tim and Dawn tease Gareth about homoerotic activities in the army.

I have to say I love our neighbors across the pond. I'm an Anglophile and I'm very proud to say it.

The finale will make you cry. The rest will make you laugh so hard you will pee your pants. Here is a funny clip to wet your appetite.

The Jamie Lynn Ward Story

Here's the video of the chick I was talking about here. Thanks to the anonymous commenter who tracked it down. Another commenter found this article from her hometown about her Idol dreams. Rewatching this today, it's slightly less hysterical to me, which I suppose is a good thing. It means I have a soul. Beet, 1. Satan, 0.

Adventures in Brand Management: An Open Invitation to Kevin Federline

While much of the fast-food industry has criticized K-Fed for his upcoming Super Bowl commercial, Taco Bell has taken a different -- and much smarter -- tack.

Dear Mr. Federline,

First off, congratulations on your upcoming Super Bowl ad. We heard it's generating a lot of talk, particularly about working in the fast food industry.

We know you respect those who work in our business. In fact, last year you said in an interview, "My kids are going to have to learn what a real job is, what life is. You don't have it easy with me. Period. My kids are going to work at Taco Bell."

We're flattered, but obviously they're too young to work for us. So here's our offer to you: Come work for us, just for a one hour shift. We'll get you a uniform, a custom name tag and show you what a great place Taco Bell is to work. We'll even reward customers who visit that restaurant with an order of our new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos for free.

We encourage you to continue to "Think Outside the Bun" and hope you accept our tasty offer.

Greg Creed
Taco Bell Corp.

Update: Too funny. Yum! Brands stock (they own Taco Bell) is up a point to a 5-day high this afternoon.


Finally! The love of my life, Miss Sarah Silverman, has her very own show on Comedy Central. It premieres tomorrow (Thursday) night, people, so you've been given enough warning to make sure your TiVos are set. And it's on at 10:30 (9:30 Central, check your local listings), so you have no fucking excuse to miss it. It's after The Office and Grey's Anatomy. And if you are even considering watching Men in Trees instead of Sarah Silverman, please stop reading my blog forever. I mean that. You're not welcome here.

Clips below.

It's Sienna Miller's Lucky F***in' Day

She's totally going to get a walk on her Today Show cuss-fest. Because The Sun has video of Kate Moss loverboy/rehab regular Pete Doherty actually injecting cocaine into his body. Warning: I'm totally not kidding. If watching a pathetic British rock star pierce his skin with a needle jam-packed with junk is going to bother you in any way, don't click on this video.

Sienna Miller Drops the F-Bomb on The Today Show

Because, admit it, you care.

Kevin Federline: Good Guy or Brilliant Negotiator?

Britney Spears offered Kevin Federline a cool $25 mil to get out of her -- and her children's -- lives for good, and he's turned it down. Depending on whom you believe, this is either because he's holding out for $50M or because he actually refuses to make a graceful exit from the lives of their children. Says one source: "He loves his two little boys, and there's no way he's going to disappear from their lives." Both parties are asking for sole custody of the kids.

Federline has proven that he can make his own income. He recently filmed a Super Bowl commercial for Nationwide Insurance and has reportedly fielded offers to do a number of reality TV shows. Of course this is not a particularly sustainable business model, but he certainly has at least another year or two of pseudo-stardom. If he invests well, he can probably swear off back-up dancing for the rest of his life, with or without Britney's money. And who the hell knows? Maybe, in this process, he'll rehabilitate his image to the point where he can build some manner of non-laughable career as an entertainment figure. I mean, if Screech is still famous, there's no limit to Kevin Federline's potential.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

WTF Happened on American Idol Tonight?

Okay, look, I know the audition phase is always a freak show, but tonight was in a class all its own.

For starters, on day one in Birmingham, Paula Abdul is trashed. I mean, right from the start. Just out of her freakin' head deeeeeeeeeerunk. Not the twitching-a-little-and-making-no-sense Paula we've come to know and love, but actually-on-the-floor-and-having-trouble- standing-and- laughing-at- inappropriate-times out of her goddamn skull drunk. I suppose it's possible that the sound feed between the auditioners and the judges table got dropped. Or, you know, the sound feed between Paula Abdul's brain and the rest of her body got dropped. Or, most likely, Paula herself got dropped on her head as a child. Sigh. This is only day one.

Day one also brings Jamie Lynn Ward, who is Kellie Pickler on acid. This girl has a Southern accent I didn't know you could actually hear outside the context of a comedy sketch. Simon asks her to tell them something interesting about herself. Which is the politest way the producers could come up with of getting at the following response: “I live wit may grammaw and may daddy’s paralyzed from here down. He shot hisself raight here (pointing to neck). His waif wuz cheatin awn im, which wuz may stepmomma an he cawt em in the act an it wuddn’t the firs time so like he shot her and he shot hisself and now I live wit may grammaw to help her take care a im." Beat. "But its okay."

Please, God, why am I laughing so hard right now? I can't stop! I am a bad person, I admit it. I have scoured YouTube for footage of this eloquence, but I can't find it yet. Please please please Lord let it be up tomorrow. Please please if any of you finds this on YouTube, send me the link. I'm begging you! I must have this thing on my blog.

By day two, Paula's in a rehab detoxing. Or, as Ryan Seacrest narrates, at a "family obligation" in Los Angeles. So it's just Randy and Simon at the judges table. Which, frankly, makes for a really strange chemistry, and I realize now how important Paula is, drunk and all. I know Birmingham isn't exactly the music capital of the world, but was there really no one in that city who could judge on short notice? For 30 million viewers? Tammy Wynette, where are you when we need you?

Alright, alright. I'm done for now. I'll shut up. In closing, to quote the inimitable Leslie Carter: "It's, like, wow!"

Late-Night Links

If you had to be in rehab with Lindsay Lohan, you'd drink, too. [A Socialite's Life]

Not only is Britney Spears still dating Jewish actor/model Isaac Cohen, she's sporting a star of David. Also, I challenge all readers to beat X17's headline for this one. I don't feel it's possible. [X17]

Sienna Miller left her pants at the Factory Girl premiere. [ICYDK]

You always knew Paris Hilton was a racist bitch, but thankfully we now have it all on tape. [WWTDD]

Pete Doherty takes his eight millionth shot at getting sober. If this guy were a stock, I'd short it. [Cele|bitchy]

Brandy is slapped with a $50 million suit by the parents of the woman she killed in a traffic accident late last year. [Bossip]

Jennifer Lopez isn't a Scientologist, she just throws them her support when they're boosting her career. [Celebslam]

ParisExposed Goes Undercover

It's not gone, folks, it's just hiding. It's here now. Get your $40 worth quick. Or, you know, get it for free all over the Internet.

Thanks to Anna for the heads-up.

Harry Potter and the Dubious Relationship with a Horse

Dude, little Harry Potter got hot. Daniel Radcliffe, 17, who has starred in the Harry Potter films since the first release in 2001, is now working his magic on the ladies in a series of promotional photos for Equus, a play he's doing on London's West End. While the play is an award-winning dark psychological drama about a young boy who blinds a stable of horses with a spike, the photos (check them out here) feature a naked Harry Potter (with rock-hard abs and a happy trail to die for ... if you like that sort of thing) posing with a white horse (notably less hot).

So ... props go out to a former child star looking to take on a challenging and meaningful theatrical role. Right? Um, no. Parents of Harry Potter's legion of young fans are outraged, and are sending angry emails to Harry Potter fansites. (Truly, I didn't realize how utterly ungrounded the general public can be until I started posting my email address along with my column last week, and have since received not one but two emails from separate individuals who apparently believe me to be Tyra Banks and would like me to come and visit them at their house. Directions from the airport provided.) Here is one choice quote: "We as parents feel Daniel should not appear nude. Our nine-year-old son looks up to him as a role model. We are very disappointed and will avoid the future movies he makes." Right, guys, because Daniel Radcliffe, six years ago, signed a contract agreeing to behave in a strictly Harry Potter-like fashion until the age of 45, or until you as parents step up to serve as the primary role models in your child's life, whichever comes first.

More Screech Drama

If you can believe it, it turns out Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) is every bit the classy gentleman that his Dirty-Sanchezed sex tape would make him out to be. Diamond, who is currently taping VH1's Celebrity Fit Club 5, has reportedly had trouble making friends with many of his castmates. (As an aside: I have plenty of adjectives to describe Dustin Diamond, but "overweight" has never been one of them. I like how he's doing the "fat celeb" television show just because it's a television show.)

Diamond appears on the program alongside Kimberley Locke, from American Idol, and Tiffany, from malls. Both stormed off the set after Locke got into a fight with Diamond. Are you ready for the funniest thing ever? This is what Diamond said on-camera to upset Locke: "Screw Kimberley Locke. I'm going to make a dildo of my cock and fuck her with it." After the walkout, producers halted the taping and sent everyone home. Kimberley is now telling the producers that either she goes or Dustin goes.

An inside source says that Dustin has not made many friends on the show: "Nobody wants him on their team. The producers have a difficult decision to make." This is so wonderful! Celebrity Fit Club has their very own Puck!

You know, it's moments like these that make me glad to be alive. Sunsets are lovely, and I enjoy the sound of the ocean and a cool breeze across my cheek, and falling in love is a thrill every now and then, but, mostly, it's waking up on a cloudy Tuesday morning to discover that Screech threatened to sodomize an American Idol contestant with a self-styled sex toy that make me stop and reflect on just how suddenly joyful this journey of life can be. Thank you, Dustin Diamond. Thank you for everything.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Late-Night Links

Lance and Reichen split for good. Lance must have heard about Reichen's famous wandering eye, because he's changed his MySpace song to fellow *NSYNCer's "What Comes Around Goes Around." Cute. [MollyGood]

I've resigned myself to the fact that no one is ever going to explain to me why Keeley Hazell is famous. But she sure is hot. [The Blemish]

Candid photos of an Olsen twin putting her mouth on someone else's body? Never gets old. [CW]

Also in underage antics: Hilary Duff gets wasted at Hyde. [Monica Monroe]

Gideon Yago peaces out at MTV, gives audience waaay too much credit. [IBBB]

Listen to the Kat McPhee CD

Who'd've thunk it? In between puking and talking about puking, Katharine McPhee actually found time to record an album. An eponymous album, at that. It's not bad, specifically, it's just not particularly interesting. Maybe it will grow on me. It's a soulful R&B sound, very reminiscent of her "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" turn on AmIdol. It's a fairly mature sound from an AmIdol contestant. Except she had to go and title a song "Not Ur Girl." When will people stop titling songs like they were IMing their BFF? Pick a fucking demographic, Kat. Seriously, can you imagine if they'd pulled that shit 30 years ago? And today we'd all be covering "A Case of U" and "Ticket 2 Ride" and "Uve Got a Friend"?

Anyway, AOL has the whole thing streaming for free right now. Check it out here.

A New Miss America!

Congrats to Lauren Nelson, Miss America 2007! Hopefully she will stay clean and sober...which I am guessing since these ladies tend to be much more wholesome than their Miss USA counterparts.

Honestly I think Miss America is much better than Miss USA. If you didn't watch it you missed out. There was a tap number, and Mario Lopez. Take that Donald.

Miss America Pageant Tonight!

How did I miss this? I love the "Miss America Pageant!" Right now if you are reading this, switch on CMT (140 in NYC) because there is a reality program before the pageant called "Pageant School." This is kind of awesome yet sad because this pageant used to run on network television. This year, "Miss America" is being broadcast from the ultra-classy Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino.

I love that this old school "scholarship competition" has turned into bad reality TV show in sin city.

I can't wait until the winner gets involved in a scandal. Mario Lopez is the host and you know that he is enjoying his time with these ladies "behind the scenes."

For more on tonight's pageant go to the Miss America Website.

New Couple Alert?

Just because these two are having an intimate lunch doesn't mean that they are doin' it...
Let's just say that they are. It is most fun that way.
Scarlett Johansson has been recently linked to Justin Timberlake and Mark Wahlberg has two children with his girlfriend, Rhea Durham.

She's quite the maneater.

Maybe she just was getting some acting tips from Marky Mark?

Dude Rejection is Ugly

Remember "Crazy Mary" from last season of "American Idol?" She told us back then that "she had a lot of voices." She also was one of the most awkward human beings I have ever seen in my life. After her bizarre audition she had a brief moment of fame (via the entire free world calling her a total nut, but any publicity is good publicity right?) but we haven't heard of her much since then.

She was off to beauty school back then...or so we thought. Looking at her MySpace page she admits that her AI "performance" was pretty much an act. She is an aspiring comedian who is looking for

"Anyone who wants to make any sort of comedic or dramatic collaboration with me. Anyone who wants to write screenplays and make films. Anyone who wants to assist in the production of a punk rock musical. Anyone who wants to start a band. Anyone who considers themselves to be strange, and is proud of it. Anyone who wants to fuel their creativity in any way that I might be able to help them with, or vice versa."

Looks like rejection made her a bit dark.

Monday Morning Music

I am sorry that this is more like "Monday Evening Music" except the T is a little under the weather. I would like to introduce you to one of my favorite bands ever. This is Gomez. I found this band my freshman year of college on my friend's WinAmp. This song "Shot Shot" is quite fun and the video itself is worth checking out. Hope you enjoy this band as much as I do.

The Kevin Federline Super Bowl Commercial

Good move, Nationwide Insurance.

Brandy to Be Prosecuted in Fatal Car Crash

The California Highway Patrol has recommended that singer and sitcom star Brandy be prosecuted for a fatal car crash she caused last month. In late December, Brandy was driving on L.A.'s 405 freeway at 65 mph, but she failed to slow down when the car in front of her did. She hit the car, causing a series of accidents that resulted in the death of a 38-year-old married mother of one. There was no evidence of drugs or alcohol involved, and Brandy was not arrested at the scene.

However, today the CHP recommended that Brandy be prosecuted for misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter. If convicted, Brandy could potentially face a year in an L.A. county jail and a fine of $1000, which I'm sure is far, far less punishment than living in Brandy's head is right now.

ParisExposed is Hiding?

Uh-oh! Where did go? It produces an error message now. Hmm. Did Joe Francis' legal action put the brakes on the site? Or did some Paris-friendly hackers break in and shut down their servers? Anybody know what's going on here?

Luckily, all the pictures and videos from the site are scattered across the Internet by now. But I'd sure be pissed if I'd paid the $40 fee for access to the site.

Andy Dick Cracks Me Up

X17 has some great footage of Andy leaving a club on Kiefer Sutherland's heels. As Kiefer signs autographs for the "fans" paparazzi, Andy demands to know why no one has a picture of him to be signed: "Can I see one goddamn picture of me? Please!" This goes on for a solid minute, then Andy tries to climb into Kiefer's limo and has to be extracted by a bodyguard.

To add insult to injury, X17 has labeled the piece with "Kiefer Sutherland" and "What?" They don't even have an Andy Dick label!

I don't care what people say about that guy, he pretty consistently makes me laugh. Rock on, Andy.


I suppose I should be making a concerted effort to care about the SAG awards right now, but, thankfully, there is much more exciting news on the gossip horizon!

According to "press reports" (in fairness, I cannot find the source for the life of me, but who needs a source for great news like this?), Leonardo DiCaprio got his ass dumped by his girlfriend of six months, Israeli model Bar Rafaeli. The paper breaking the story is supposedly Britain's News of the World (again, can't find anything on their website, but whatevs), who quotes a source as saying that Bar couldn't keep up with Leo's crazy par-tay lifestyle: "Bar is a professional model so she has to be healthy and look great every day, so there is no way that she could keep up with that kind of decadent lifestyle. When they were apart she worried about what he was up to and in the end decided it would be easier and less painful just to say enough is enough."

Sheesh. Clearly this girl needs to take lessons from Kate Moss, who manages to look great and get high every single day! (Although News of the World also reports that Moss is about to be dumped by client Rimmel, as her age is starting to show.)

There are a few lessons to take from this. The first is that anyone can get dumped, even if you're Leonardo Freaking DiCaprio. The second is that, if and when you do get dumped, it's unwise to take refuge in a bottle of self-tanner and then attend the SAG awards. Lastly, and most important, Leo is now single and vulnerable! Time to move in for the kill, ladies!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The One Where We Pretend to Care About the SAG Awards

Once again we're treated to Hollywood's annual masturbatory awards ceremony -- the Screen Actors Guild awards, where winners are chosen by the human beings on this planet who exhibit the greatest amount of taste and professional wisdom each and every year: actors.

In the winners circle, here are some of the highlights:

Helen Mirren won Best Actress in a TV Movie or miniseries for Elizabeth I and Best Female Actor for The Queen. Jennifer Hudson scored Best Supporting Actress.

America Ferrerra (Ugly Betty) won for Best Female Actress in a Comedy Series, and Alec Baldwin took home the well-deserved male equivalent for his role on 30 Rock. The Office won for Best Ensemble Cast in this category. Mindy Kaling's nipple, as best I've heard, did not emerge from her dress this time.

Eddie Murphy took home Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls. Chandra Wilson finally got that Best Female Actress in a drama series for Grey's Anatomy (Grey's also took home Best Ensemble cast for drama, and no word yet on whether Isaiah called anyone a faggot in the process), and Hugh Laurie won for House.

Topping off the evening, Little Miss Sunshine took out enough ads in the Hollywood Reporter to earn themselves Best Cast of a Motion Picture.

FabSugar has the WireImage subscription for all the pics I refuse to pay for.

I Am Ready to Talk About Paris Hilton

Rick Hilton, President

Gary Gold, Associate

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate

Jamie Levine, Associate

Marc Fiedler, Associate

I'd like to frame this as a staff meeting at Hilton & Hyland, Rick Hilton's real estate company. (For those of you who are painfully out of the loop here, Rick Hilton is Paris' father.) The major players are pictured above. Plain text will be used to indicate the spoken word, whereas italics will be employed to indicate concurrent, unspoken thought.

Hilton & Hyland Staff Meeting
January 26, 2007
Official Transcript

Rick Hilton: Thank you so much for attending the meeting today. As I'm sure you all know, sales are down 12% this month over last year. Can someone provide an explanation?

Gary Gold, Associate: The market's down across the state, Mr. Hilton. While the entry-level homes have held their prices fairly well, the high-end investors are nervous to put their money in a market they see weakening. Also, I saw your daughter's vagina today. For the 14th time in a year. I could draw your daughter's pussy in my sleep, Mr. Hilton. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and sketch it from memory, then masturbate to it. I usually just pass out afterwards. My wife finds the pictures in the morning. It's awkward, to say the least.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Particularly in the area of commercial real estate, the notable growth has been in the Inland Empire, and we haven't been focusing in that region in the way I recommended at the last staff. I wish they made lollipops in the shape of your daughter's breasts. They make lollipops that look like titties, but I wish they looked just like your daughter's. The ones on the lollipops are too big, sort of floppy-ish. Your daughter's are perfect, just the right size. Like you can get your mouth around the whole damn thing. Nipples the shade of a fading sunset. My God that girl fucks like Mozart composed. Oh Jesus I've got an erection.

Rick Hilton
: We are supposed to be one of the top real estate firms in the country, folks. You are the best of the profession. You have hundreds of years of experience in this industry put together. A weakening market is no excuse. What are we going to do moving forward to bring our numbers up?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Based on the data, I expect we'll see a move away from public REITs and more into direct investment in niche properties, so let's focus more energy there. People are moving their money from REITs into these properties. Sometimes I pray that your daughter will come over to my house and want to do a make-over with me. Like Cher did in Clueless? Remember? And she'll bring all her clothes and her make-up and her hair dye and sit me down and make me beautiful, just like she is. And then you come in and you're like "What's going on here ladies?" And Paris is like "Isn't Jamie beautiful, Daddy?" And you say that I am, and then you take off your shirt and Paris dumps a kilo of coke on your bare chest and we all take turns doing lines off it. Just like in the movie.

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: We're just seeing a correction in the market, Mr. Hilton. It's not a bust and it's not a boom. But prices simply aren't where they were at this time last year. We've seen some correction in the overbuilding trend, and I expect the correction phase will be over in a year or two. Your daughter's vagina is now my desktop background on my home computer.

Rick Hilton: So how can we incentivize our clients to buy? We need to deliver results here, people!

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We've offered free stays at Hilton hotels worldwide. Maybe we should throw in airfare? Cisco Adler's balls are now my desktop background on my home computer. Thanks to your daughter. That shit is nuts! No pun intended.

Gary Gold, Associate: Yeah, or maybe your daughter would be willing to suck our clients' cocks if they buy at list price. Shit, did I say that out loud? Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, buddy. You think she won't suck cock to close a deal?

Jamie Levine, Associate: Ahem. What Gary means is that we need to be considering less ... um ... traditional forms of incentives. This isn't yesterday's market. Your daughter totally takes it in the ass for coke. Gets fucked up the butt. Heh. She's so pretty.

Rick Hilton: I don't like this line of thinking. Let's come up with some other ideas.

Marc Fiedler, Associate: We could get more creative with our financing. Remind clients of the tax benefits of their investments, advise them on the new loopholes in the tax laws. Your daughter is such a slut. How is she going to romp around naked with Jason Shaw for twenty minutes and not get a single good shot of his penis? That's not fair to some of us. Also: your daughter gets fucked in the butt for coke, dude.

Rick Hilton: These are terrible ideas, people! What am I paying you for? You are such disappointments to me. You turn this trend around or you're all fired!

Felix Pena, J.D., Associate: Dude. Your daughter gets fucked in the butt for the coke.

And scene.

Late-Night Links

Angelina Jolie's mother passed away. [MollyGood]

Mariah Carey does Playboy. This is exactly what you wanted ... in 1996. [DListed]

Matt Dillon doesn't like Marilyn Manson because Manson once cut his pubes with scissors he'd borrowed from Dillon. It's always something. [Agent Bedhead]

Mary-Kate isn't anorexic, people, she's blonde. [Celebslam]

Disney theme parks make their way into the gossip blogosphere for the first time since Lohan got trashed at Disneyland in July, with a series of Disney-themed ads featuring Beyonce, Scarlett and David Beckham. Lindsay is conspicuously absent, although she's been photographed plenty coming to and from her own Wonderland. [popbytes]

Douchebags Gone Wild featuring "The Dude Covered in Blow"

MollyGood has posted one of the best videos I've seen in a while. From ParisExposed.Com, the website that just won't go away, you get not only the "dude covered in blow" actually talking but also Paris being absolutely blitzed out of her mind and Joe Francis showing off her goodies to the camera.

My favorite part has to be when the "dude covered in blow" has to vacuum the excess cocaine off himself with a Dirt Devil because doing a kilo of cocaine in one sitting would lead to such not "hot" things as death. His girlfriend seems a bit peeved at him wasting all of their good drugs to which he replies "it is ok, I'll buy you a watch."

From this video we learn a few things. Paris loves being retarded in front of video cameras. Joe Francis is more of a perv than we thought before. Paris loves her drugs. Watching all 20 glorious minutes of this video is totally worth it. It gets slow at times yet really after watching this Tara Ried looks like a Mormon.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Okay Okay About the Paris Hilton Stuff...

I don't feel like writing much about it right now. I'm sure the urge will strike eventually. But, if you should be one of those folks who cares, most of the Paris Hilton stuff from is available for free here. There also more here. Knock yourselves out.

Jayden James Exists!!!

Those diligent cameramen over at X17 finally caught a pic of Jayden James sans his ever-present blanket. You can actually see his face! And he is adorable!!!

Brit-Brit was back to what she does ... best? She was at a studio in Hollywood choreographing and dancing, with both her kiddos present. JJ was in the back being held by an assistant, but he slipped into view for a frame or two.

For more pics (although this is the best shot of JJ) and video, check here.

Rock On, Tara Conner

The disgraced Miss USA -- who entered rehab almost a month ago at the request of Donald Trump, who runs the Miss Universe organization, after allegations of inappropriate behavior surfaced -- checked out this weekend, and gave People magazine some killer quotes.

"My life has completely changed, she says. "I'm a completely different person out of rehab. Before I entered rehab I hardly knew who I was. I felt like I was floating and I just needed someone to pull me down. I didn't think I had any kind of issue going into rehab. But I've realized I do have an issue. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction. And if there's anything that I want people to know it's the severity of this disease and what it can do to people."

Whatever the path she took to get there, I'm glad that Tara has decided to speak publicly about her struggles with addiction, and hopefully she can set a positive example for young people everywhere who struggle with the disease. Unlike a certain other celeb in rehab, Tara kept her ass in a treatment center and away from photogs during her 31-day stay, worked a program, and emerged to share her experience with others. Way to go, Tara!

The Ruse is Up, Clay

Not that most of us were buying into it to begin with, but one of Perez Hilton's spies caught Clay Aiken red-handed (and with four fingers up) in the act of soliciting sex on a gay hook-up site. Check out a copy of the chat and the pictures.

While I've never been a huge supporter of Perez's decision to out celebs, the case on Clay has been pretty clear for awhile. It must be horrible to have to hide your sexual identity like this -- I mean, if you've convinced yourself it's reasonable to trust random dudes on some Internet hook-up site with your fame and sexuality, you're really desperate for some lovin'. Just come out of the closet, Clay! Score the cover of People magazine. Hit up some gay bars! Get laid!! You deserve it!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Padma Lakshmi Enjoys Some Fine Herb

According to sources on the set, Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi often indulged in a joint on the set every now and then -- or, you know, "fairly regularly." As the Best Week Ever folks point out, this explains a lot, like how she usually seems only marginally involved in whatever's going on, how she speaks very slowly, and how she married Salman Rushdie.

It's also disappointing, though, because we could have pushed this storyline much further. Pot brownies have been done -- can we see someone attempt a duo of Mary Jane foie gras and sirloin? With pot potatoes on the side? Can Marcel make a foam out of it? Or mix it with xantham gum? I can't believe no one thought to try that. It would have made for one hell of a judges table.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Late-Night Links

Nicole Kidman is carted off to the hospital after an on-set car accident, but she's so badass she comes back later in the night to resume filming. Thankfully, someone got the accident on tape. [Celebslam]

Jessica's pouty expressions and hair-twirling may be more for the camera than for John Mayer. [Cele|bitchy]

Kate and Owen take another shot at their non-relationship. You know, for the sake of the little Ryder. Oh wait. [Celeb Warship]

Pics of Carrie Underwood shooting her new music video. [Celebrity Smack]

Wrap your head around this: Paul Reubens, incapable of draw the line at masturbating in a public place, also smoked cigarettes on set. [Defamer]

Black Snake Moan is characterized as "bad Ricci-porn." Count me in! [Pajiba]

Even fast food employees are loathe to be associated with Kevin Federline. [Agent Bedhead]

Justin Rebounds with Jessica Biel

Justin Timberlake's only been single a matter of weeks, and the classy and talented Jessica Biel has already made herself available to him for whatever it is he may need companionship for -- snowboarding, dining, what have you. Biel made a special trip to Sundance, where she is not promoting a film, to spend time with Justin, who appeared in "bad Ricci-porn" Black Snake Moan on Wednesday.

According to Perez Hilton's source, "Jessica was picked up in her chauffeur-driven Volkswagen Touareg car and instantly went to visit Timberlake when she got into Park City," which begs the obvious question: why hasn't Volkswagen's PR team contacted me for a plug? The two spent time together snowboarding on Thursday and probably also doing any number of things I can't write about here.

Biel, who recently split from baseballer Derek Jeter, was spotted backstage at a Timberlake concert earlier this month, and was rumored to be the cause of a Cameron/Justin blow-out at the Golden Globes.

Blech! Justin! If you want us to take you seriously as an actor, maybe you should stop hanging out with someone who read the script for Stealth and thought, "Here's a can't-miss premise." Next thing you know, you'll be starring in bad Ricci-porn!

PS -- Check out the JT magazine cover in this old-school Jessica photo!

Fashion Victim of the Week

Dude, I'd be depressed if I was wearing an orange jumper too. Can we please talk about those shoes? Mandy, you are a young woman. I know that you are really mature for your age but that doesn't mean that you can wear granny shoes. I know it is cold in Sundance but the "Frigid Bitch" look is so 2002.

MLK Party? Not The Best Idea Kids...

This sounds like the dumbest idea I've ever heard of. Some kids at a college in Texas decided that it would be cool to get a bunch of KFC, some 40s, a chick dressed as Aunt Jemima, and wear some "gang clothes" to celebrate Martin Luther King Day.

They stupidly put the photos up on Facebook and they obviously ended up on The Smoking Gun.

Bad idea kids. This day and age you need to be just a little politically correct. Also, what have we learned from famous people like Paris Hilton...when you do something stupid don't put it on your MySpace or Facebook page.

Wanna see more pictures of the party. Click Here.

Tyra Banks Discusses Her Weight Gain

Supermodel-turned-reality-show-host-turned-talk-show-queen Tyra Banks spoke with People magazine about the weight she's put on since she retired from modeling in 2005. When a tabloid posted these pics of Tyra looking a little hefty in a swimsuit with some disparaging headlines, Tyra's feelings were understandably hurt. "I get so much mail from young girls who say, 'I look up to you, you're not as skinny as everyone else, I think you're beautiful,' " she says. "So when they say that my body is 'ugly' and 'disgusting,' what does that make those girls feel like?"

Continues Tyra, "I've made millions of dollars with the body I have, so where's the pain in that? If I was in pain, I would have dieted. The pain is not there – the pain is someone printing a picture of me and saying those (horrible) things."

Tyra's long been a proponent of a realistic body image for young women, and she always encourages the girls on Top Model to eat healthy and take care of themselves. The competition used to regularly include a token "fat model," but producers must have realized the hopelessness of that cause, because the more recent cycles have been all thin girls. Last year, Tyra announced that she would no longer allow photo shoots of herself to be digitally retouched before being used in magazine, again emphasizing that this sends a message promoting unrealistic beauty to women. Because, you know, every woman can look like Tyra Banks if she just exercises and eats right.

But is there an additional motive to Tyra's weight gain? “(TV execs) think it’s better when I’m at 155 lbs. – at 145, they feel I’m not as relatable,” she says. Perhaps Tyra's trying to discard her supermodel image and adopt a look that Midwestern housewives will be more comfortable taking advice from.

Aw, Cameron's Happy!

Check out these adorable pics of Cameron Diaz -- still in Hawaii -- with buddy/love interest(?) pro surfer Kelly Slater. It's good to see her happy again. But this isn't going to stop Us Magazine from releasing new deets about her Golden Globes war with Justin:

“Cameron was across the room giving them the evil eye,” says a party source. “It was like high school.”

Another witness says that pal Drew Barrymore even attempted to distract Diaz from her ex’s hookup-in-progress with Biel, “grabbing Cameron to dance, trying to make her have fun.”

What Diaz did next, barely five days after announcing an amicable split with Timberlake, her boyfriend of nearly four years, shocked the whole room.

“All of a sudden she just lost it,” says one of the many witnesses to the tantrum of Diaz. “She came up and started yelling at Jessica.”

According to a witness, Biel, 24, stepped away, leaving Diaz, 34, to unleash her fury on Timberlake, 25, who moved with her into a hallway.

Says a guest, “First she started saying all these nasty things to him about Jessica like, ‘What is she? Your new f—king girlfriend? Look at her!’ And then she insinuated things about other guys that Jessica has been with.”

The tirade went on for 45 minutes, until Barrymore finally intervened. Says a source, “Drew had to grab Cameron and say, ‘It’s enough.’”

I can't say I blame her. Jessica Biel's kind of a dirty slut. But I do wish I had her ass. Whatever, it doesn't sound like Justin hit that anyway. Good lookin' out, JT!

Anna Heche: Still Sane and Well-Adjusted

At least there's one constant in Anne Heche's life: the crazy. The actress, who dated Ellen Degeneres during her "yeah I'm totally into women since I can't land an A-list man" phase, has left her husband Coley Laffoon, a camera man. The two met, ironically, while working on a documentary about Ellen's return to stand-up comedy. They have one son together, which they opted to name Homer -- you know, so that he'll get beat up a lot.

Why the split? Apparently Anne has fallen for her Men in Trees co-star, James Tupper, who has -- of course -- a wife and child. There should really be an "Anne Heche Ruined My Life" support group. A twelve-step program even. And Anne Heche should attend meetings regularly.

Why Did Ilan Quit His Job?

Apparently Top Chef's Ilan has recently quit his job at Spanish restaurant Casa Mono. Hmm. Is this because he won?? Oh man, please say he did. Because if Marcel won, I'm going to have to, I don't know, throw a bottle at him or something.

Ian Benardo...Reality Show Whore

Ok so I can't deal with this when people end up on multiple reality shows. Do these people have an agent? There is something seriously wrong with the world when we have reality show rejects that are reoccurring characters.

First he goes on "So You Think You Can Dance" and throws his mink in the corner. Then he goes on "American Idol" and wears some ratty chinchilla scarf.

Some people were not loved enough as children. Here is Ian making a fool of himself on American Idol:

Here here is the mess of crazy on "So You Think You Can Dance.":

He might not be good at anything but damn does he make for some good TV.

Update: Of course he has a MySpace page. Click here at your own risk.

Remember When Paul Rudd Was Hot?

Like in Clueless and stuff? Like before he was drinking cheap wine from a brown paper bag and living in your trash can and stealing Sundance press passes from unsuspecting journalists? Yeah. That was nice.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

It's a Sad, Sad World

So I'm being a generally pathetic human being today, ingesting the sweet, sweet liquor of E!'s High Maintenance 90210, when I recognize one of the high-profile clients. I just can't place how. Her name is Allison Pearson. I watch her. I know her. I recognize the obnoxious face, the inane laughter, the vapid expressions. Did I go to high school with her? Hm. No. Did we date the same guy? Seems likely. But no. Did I throw a drink at her at a bar? Wishful thinking. How do I know this girl?

I Google her, and the geniuses at Pop Culture Whore come to my rescue. She's that nauseating girl from True Life: I'm Getting Plastic Surgery, which aired on MTV six years ago. Allison was nineteen back then, and whoring around with her BFF Rachael, alternating their waking hours between laying in tanning beds and getting plastic surgery. Her goal in life was to be in Playboy, or at least to get into parties at the Playboy Mansion. I laughed at her them, and hoped that within a year she'd be back home in Ohio or wherever, her spirit irreparably broken.

So what the fuck? Now this bitch is married to some successful music producer and spending $20K on necklaces? These things are not supposed to happen to bad people like her! She contributes absolutely zero value to this world. You know what? Let me amend that. She contributes negative value to society. She can't even organize her own closet. She spends all day drinking with her personal assistant. So not only is she failing to contribute to our planet, she is sucking any potential value-added behavior from another human being. I'll admit that terrorism is to be frowned upon, but Allison Pearson is what's wrong with the world.

In happier news, she's totally put on ten or fifteen pounds since the MTV taping, and she looks a little big around the hips. Yeeeee!

Late-Night Links

Those folks who took over Paris Hilton's storage locker when she forgot to pay the monthly fee on it have finally released the info they found within. Among it: pictures of Paris smoking a tampon. [Gawker]

Rose McGowan's looking a little ragged these days. [popbytes]

Jen Aniston's rep is just plain tired of lying. He admits his client had a nose job this weekend. [The Superficial]

Singer Brandy was the cause of a disturbing Los Angeles wreck. No, not Moesha. [Bossip]

Look, I tried, but I can't beat Seth and Mark on this, so I'm just going to steal their headline: ABC Sends Isaiah Washington to Gayhab. [Defamer]

Clearly the most effective way to get your estranged wife to seek help for her drinking problem is to whine about it to Star magazine. Right, K-Fed? [IBBB]

Hugh Hefner takes time out of his busy day to call Kelly Osbourne ugly. [Agent Bedhead]

For Those Dorks Out There

So for some odd reason I have about three friends that know this dance by heart. It is white boy soul. White boys that are dancing to the beat of the "man." Oh ya. Shake it.

Rachel Ray-cist?

AH HA HA HA HA HA! Okay, I wasn't even going to run this story, and then I thought up that headline, and I was just pleased as punch with it. So here goes:

According to TMZ, Rachel Ray, whose fascinating cooking show was eventually introduced to daytime TV by Oprah, had some disparaging remarks for the talk show queen during a December 2005 dinner. Ray, after throwing back several glasses of wine, reportedly mentioned a still from Beloved that hangs in the Harpo Productions office, showing Oprah in a skirt from the slavery era and with scars on her back. "Why is she wearing slave drag?" commented Ray. "She obviously has problems being black." What does that even mean? Like, I understand that it's not a very nice thing to say, but I don't understand how you get from Oprah in a slave skirt to the "obvious" conclusion that she "has problems being black." But I can't say this is the first time something about Rachel Ray didn't make any sense to me. There are plenty of other mystifying things about her. Like how she's famous. And why no one's shot her. Rachel also allegedly called Brad Pitt a "pussy" and Angelina Jolie a "skanky, backdoor cunt," and she's totally right on both counts. Two out of three ain't bad, Rach.

Ray's camp denies that she made any of those comments, of course, and, unless someone has this on tape, it's pretty much destined to become a non-story, because I trust Rachel has enough sense not to repeat it in a press conference, Isaiah-style.

That's Anna Nicole's Story and She's Sticking to It

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can't ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith's former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna's claim that the girl's father is Anna's lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole's crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention -- I have no idea what I'm talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole's explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna's unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet -- namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here's the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child's father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don't think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be's old enuf to understand what go on around her.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Mandy Moore Was Sad

For some reason I like Mandy Moore. Does that make me a housewife from Peoria? Perhaps. So when I saw this story over at the little startup site (CNN) I was troubled. Not so troubled that I went out and punched an old person or anything; but concerned enough that I'm putting this out in the blogosphere so that if anyone knows Mandy they can tell her Lars is pulling for her and if need be will snuggle.

What I'm talking about here is that Mandy said:

"A few months ago I felt really low, really sad. Depressed for no reason."
She goes on to mention how her break-up with Zach Braff (the original Seth Cohen) and tennis semi-okay star Andy Roddick left her feeling blue. Luckily, in the grand tradition of Hollywood she's fine now, probably because she ate seaweed or just figured out that "being fun is more fun." Whatever the case she's writing a new album and she's apologetic about her past run-ins with musical creativity.
"I feel bad that people wasted their money on such trite, blah pop music," says Moore about her earlier music.
Hey current Mandy, go easy on past Mandy, I like them both. Plus I'd never buy your music, so no hard feelings either way. Also, when there was one set of footprints that was when I carried you.

Late-Night Links

Before we begin, I want to thank Evil T for doing a kick-ass job of holding this place down while I was out of town. She is a total rock star, and I have no idea what I'd do without her. Thanks T! Now, on to the links ...

Wait, Tom Cruise isn't already Jesus? [Celebslam]

Robbie Williams plans to give Elton John the gift of his penis. [Cele|bitchy]

Jared Leto and his earflaps are totally ready to throw down, bitch. [Agent Bedhead]

New pics of Scarlett. You know you're going to click. Don't try to fight it. [The Blemish]

Wow, Mandy Moore even depresses herself! [Celebrity Smack]

Something about Jenna Jameson, Paris Hilton, and girls who want to lose their virginity. As the premise for a television show. I can't read any further. I feel dirty. On behalf of our country. [Pop on the Pop]

The indiest thing I have ever loved just gave birth to a little girl. Unfortunately, she had to go and ruin it by naming the kid Petah. But congrats anyway, Ani DiFranco. [CBB]

Picture of the Day

"Damn girl, you look good from the front AND the back"-Diddy

Top Chef's Marcel Gets His Ass Kicked By a Girl

Well, a girl and a bottle, technically. I guess it really takes a woman to do a man's job. According to Page Six, someone finally did the bodily harm to the scrawny contestant that Sam, Cliff and Ilan had dreamed of for months. "This girl came up to me at a nightclub and asked me if I was Marcel from 'Top Chef,' " Marcel says. "The next thing I knew, this bottle struck me, and my friends had to rush me to the hospital. I needed 30 stitches."

Here's what surprises me: Marcel has friends. Not just friends, but the kind of friends who rush one to the hospital in this situation, rather than high-fiving the bottle-throwing girl. I wonder what type of bottle it was. I hope it was beer, and I hope there was foam in it.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Best Tranny Breakdown Ever

How did this get ignored by the blogosphere?

This is from "All My Children."

Things to note
1) Odd accent that you cannot really place.
2) The funniest use of the word "penis" ever.
3) The ability for these actors to keep their cool during one of the most amazing daytime monolouges ever
4) This chick/dude's name is Zarf

Monday Morning Music

Sorry for the lack of posting today. My cohorts are still mingling with the rich and famous while I slug away at work. Regular employment is so mundane.
Here is your Monday Morning Music...a bit later than I had hoped but none the less here is some music for your evening.

The T is back in love and this song just makes me want to smile. This is a whiny song that actually has some depth. Put it on your ipod with some Frey, James Blunt, Snow Patrol... nice winter lovin.

Sunday, January 21, 2007 IS Fucking Pink

Perez is such a fame whore. That doesn't mean the Evil T doesn't love him dearly but he really really loves to post pics of himself on his little website.

He blames this weird pink hat of hair on his stylist but I really think that he asked her, "hey, how will I get noticed as an unattractive semi-celebrity when there are all of these 'real' famous people all around Park City?"

This is the answer. I don't know what I think of it. I find it funny that he can make fun of celebrities, say some really funny yet often very cruel things, yet they still will take pics with him because a couple MILLION people check out his site every day and know that they will get free publicity. It is interesting when the veil of the blogger is lifted and they mingle with their prey.

Lets examine above. Sienna Miller is smiling with Perez like he is her best friend. He makes fun of this girl every, single, week. She doesn't seem to care. She knows that he keeps her name in the press and he knows that by charming her into taking a photo he makes sure that everyone thinks (or believes) that all of his mean spirited comments are in good fun. It is a symbiotic relationship kids.

Keep whoring and getting that SWAG Perez. It is why we love you.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Perez Hilton's Hair is Bright Fucking Pink

No joke. I saw him in the Salt Lake City airport this afternoon, at baggage claim. BRIGHT PINK. Neon. You CAN'T MISS HIM around here. I think that's what he wanted.

Finally in my hotel room after a day of travel and chicken wings. More on today's journey later.

Thank you to Evil T for being such a total rock star around here today.

Wonky Eye Mystery Solved!!!

Paris Hilton's weird wonky eye which bloggers love to tease her for is reportedly the result of an eye-lift surgery gone wrong. It is depressing that celebrities such as Tara Reid and Paris Hilton have gotten such bad plastic surgery. I bet they both got some coupon for the same guy in a gift bag at some lame club opening.

Evidently this surgery was done six years ago which would make Paris 19 when she got it done. Looking at old photos of Miss Hilton me thinks she has had a few little procedures over the years.

I honestly think she was on her way to looking normal when she was a teenager. Sometimes the combination of hair extensions, spray tanning and bad plastic surgery are never a good idea. She is a cautionary tale Suri Cruise, Apple Martin, and Violet Affleck. Just say no.