Headline of The Day

I can't believe that The Post is actually called "news." I have to say I do buy it sometimes when I have a quarter in my pocket and I need something to flip through on the subway.

Their headlines harken back to a time when "newsies" would shout out "Extra extra read all about it!" They have no shame and they forgot that they weren't US Weekly a long time ago. I love that they are creating a soap opera out of the Obama/Hillary feud.

Somehow I am obsessed with this...The war of words is heating up and it is a bit stupid. I think there are more important issues in the campaign other than which celebrity supports which hot Dem. If you vote based on who Jennifer Aniston gives her money to then you have a lot more issues you need to sort out on your own.

Daivd Geffen, see center pic above, has now jumped into the ring and slammed the Clintons. I don't know why David Geffen's political stance is important but his "dis" is quite amusing.

“Everybody in politics lies, but the Clintons “do it with such ease it’s troubling.” He went on to hint that Bill still had marital fidelity issues, and that Hillary was over-produced, over-scripted, over-ambitious, stiff-necked and haughty. And then he said the worst thing a Hollywood guy could say: The Clinton Show was boring. “And I’m tired of hearing James Carville on television,” he said.

Snap David Geffen! Boring? I mean, Obama would make a much better reality show. Ohhhh, a reality show about a political campaign. I have a pitch. David, call me.

Late-Night Links

Tyra Banks and Photoshop collaborate to reproduce her barrier-breaking Sports Illustrated cover ten years ago. I think we all know which party worked harder. [POTP]

Marcia Cross pops out those twins. [dlisted]

Anna Nicole Smith: same great trial, now with more decomposition! [A Socialite's Life]

The Desperate Housewives crew thinks they're gonna drag this thing out for four more years. I'll believe that when I see it. [ONTD]

Hollywood hands Barack Obama a clean $1.3 million. [FishbowlLA]

Yet another Perez Hilton lawsuit. But this one involves Jennifer Aniston's boobies! [Bricks and Stones]

Dancing with the Stars announces its new cast. The D-list line-up includes *NSYNC's Joey Fatone, which I find endlessly amusing, as he once hosted Fame, a wildly unsuccessful reality talent competition. Nowhere to go but up, now, buddy! [Celebrity Smack]

Hollywood Politics, Mean Girls Style

So Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama are now in a bitchfest to see who can have the coolest friends in Hollywood. When the Dreamworks guys, David Geffen, Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg, decided to have a huge fundraiser for Obama Hillary got quite upset and had her people make a nasty call.

Here is how I imagined the phone call went:

Hillary: OMG Steven I totally thought you were MY friend. I'm really upset, you totally can't sit at the lunch table anymore!
Steven: Hil, so sorry but Barak is new, fresh and he totally has those new Prada slides that I've been eyeing. I mean, Barak is so hot right now.
Hillary: But I HATE him, I can't belive you are going to his party...I am the one that throws all the cool parties, I'm the popular girl in Hollywood, everyone loves me.
Steven: Everyone loved you. Past tense, Barak's party is supposed to be really cool...I mean Eddie Murphy is going to be there
Hillary: EDDIE Murphy, he NEVER comes to my parties!
Steven: Jennifer Aniston, Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington are coming too...
Hillary: OMG! Seriously, all I know is that I HATE HIM. He's going down...nobody upsets the queen bee in Hollywood politics. NOBODY. My boyfriend Bill is so going to beat him up.
Steven: Bill's going too...
Hilllary: (runs out the lunch room crying)

Saddam Hanging Caught on Tape

Someone snuck a cell phone camera into the Saddam Hussein hanging this weekend, and caught the whole thing on tape. Saddam drops at 1:40 on the tape.

Please note: this is video of an actual hanging. Viewer discretion strongly advised.

TOTAL HOTTIE John Edwards Running for President!

"I'm here to announce I'm a candidate for president of the United States," he said this morning on The Today Show. "I've reached my own conclusion this is the best way to serve my country."

The Democratic senator was John Kerry's running mate during his unsuccessful bid for the presidency in 2004.

We're still waiting to hear formally from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Stay tuned.

Sean Penn Thinks You're a Cum Stain

Actor Sean Penn sent reporters scrambling for the least offensive way to convey the concept of "cum stain" during his acceptance speech for the 2006 Christopher Reeve First Amendment Award. Oh, and he also called for the impeachment of President Bush.

Said Penn: "Let's put his administration under oath. And then if the crimes of treason, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors are proven, do as Article 2, Section 4 of the United States constitution provides, and remove the president, vice president, and … civil officers of the United States from office."

He continued: "If we attempt to impeach for lying about a blow job, yet accept these almost certain abuses without challenge, we become a cum stain on the flag we wave." [The entire speech is here.]

How's that for effective use of imagery? My seventh-grade public speaking teacher would be so proud. Of course, these remarks are inflammatory and amusing and most definitely need to be written about in this pre-Christmas news slump, but how on earth do you print the word "cum stain" if you're a major news agency catering in large part to red-state readers?

This is Fox News's take on it: "If we attempt to impeach for lying about a [oral sex act], yet accept these almost certain abuses without challenge, we become a [human] stain on the flag we wave."

Nice.

Pols Won't Touch LiLo with a 10-Foot Pole

So after reading the drunk-ass email LiLo sent out last night, I was thinking, "Did anyone think to ask Al Gore for comment?"

YES!

TMZ DID!

I LOVE TMZ!

Genius, genius, genius!

They contacted his rep for comment.

"I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week. There were hundreds of other guests."

And just because they rock that much, they contacted Barack Obama's rep. Obama was not even mentioned in Lohan's email, but he'll be running against Hillary Clinton, who was. TMZ asked him if he had any advice as to whether Hillary should help Lindsay out.

"I don't think we have any comment on that," said an aide. TMZ continued to press the issue. "We're going to take a pass," insisted the aide.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Soooo amazing.

Barack Obama and Ludacris: Together at Last

The world deserves a break from Britney Spears' vagina, and what could possibly be more removed from that than a 2008 presidential candidate and a rapper?

Obama, now in the early stages of what will almost certainly be a bid for the 2008 Democratic ticket, met privately with rapper Ludacris on Wednesday in Chicago. Says Luda: "We talked about empowering the youth."

CNN amusingly points out that both have won Grammy awards: Obama for spoken-word readings from his memoir, Dreams from My Father (and you will be hearing a lot more about his father as his candidacy progresses), and Ludacris for his verse on "Yeah!".

Luda said meeting with Obama was like meeting with a relative. Obama declined to comment after the meeting.

I'd say this is evidence of Obama's early efforts to score the Black vote, but, um, yeah.

Quote of the Day

From the hot boys over at The Pen15 Club:

"Having Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is going to have the same impact on Congress that Heather Locklear's addition did to Melrose Place."

Everyone's a Blogger!

Look, I'm not sure exactly what kind of voice CNN tells their political reporters to use for articles that will run on the front page, but I'm going to guess that "funny" and "at the President's expense" are not traditionally part of the directive.

From the front page of CNN.com, right now:

"Key Republican joins Dems in opposing Bolton

This is probably not what President Bush had in mind when he stressed bipartisanship after the Democratic Party's midterm elections sweep."

Okay, okay, back to the celeb gossip asap, I promise, guys. Hang in there...

On a Political Note

I've been hungover all day. Not hungover on booze but on politics. Why can't we have one election decided that night? I'm so sick of all this recount stuff. The T is a "Conservative" (no that doesn't mean I'm all lovely on Bush or this stupid war) but I think really I'm just enamored by the numbers on my computer come election night. I kept hitting the refresh button to check who was winning...not just on the big elections but ALL the elections.

Here are things that I think are cool about our midterm election:

1) Arizona did not pass a silly ban that would reject gay people (and straight people as well) to live as common law partners. This means that finally gay couples can have some rights in AZ. This is awesome. I'm proud that AZ didn't go the way of other states not realizing that everyone in a loving relationship deserves basic "common law" rights.

2) South Dakota rejected a sweeping abortion ban that would have made abortion illegal even in cases of rape and incest. I'm from ND so this is shocking to me, but I'm so glad something this sweeping did not pass.

3) Pennsylvania voted to allocate $20 million dollars for veterans of the Persian Gulf war.

4) Arizona defeated a measure that would make voting into a million dollar lottery. This in my mind is a smart idea. Come on people. Vote to get your voice heard. Buy your own lottery ticket.

So here is the T's take on politics today. Who do you think we will see in 2008? I'm not a Hillary fan, so I'm not to enthralled at the idea of her being our president. I hope we have an Obama/McCain 2008 election...that would make me excited. So, until something earth shattering happens in the world of politics I am back rooting for Britney and making fun of Paris.

Peace.

Today in Awesome

Turns out the Donald Rumsfeld resignation story first broke at...

...the Comedy Central blog.

Loves. It.


[via Gawker]

No F'in Way: The Dems May Take the Senate

...and the blame is falling squarely on Donald Rumsfeld, who's stepping down as Defense Secretary. That President dude wants some former CIA bigshot, Robert Gates, to take his spot. Stay tuned.

Also important: Australian home-wrecker Abbie Cornish was a no-show at the premiere of her new movie, Candy. She's probably trying to stay out of the spotlight after being blamed for the Reese/Ryan split. Ryan's denied a lot of things this week, but he hasn't denied his relationship with Cornish, which friends say he made very little effort to hide.

YOU WANKER! THERE IS NO OTHER NEWS!

Have you ever seen The Second Civil War? You haven't? It's a 1997 comedy about an immigration issue that spirals into a second U.S. Civil War. It's funny -- you should watch it. (You should get high first.) The point is, there's a very important scene in this movie: two news anchors are reporting live on camera on the in-progress Civil War. The man says "And, in other news," and then the woman turns to him and screams "You wanker! There is no other news!" It's been a running joke among my friends and I since, well, 1997. But it's ever so fitting, now, as the celeb gossip world begins to wade through the emotional hangover that inevitably follows any Britney Spears Divorce Day. What else could possibly be of any import? I hear murmurings of some political elections that happened yesterday, and it's possible they even took place in the U.S., but who cares? Britney Spears filed for divorce.

Alas, I have a job to do, and all the other celebs are all alive and well and going about their non-Britney-Spears-divorce business, so here goes:

Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section. Check out the (very graphic) trailer. [Defamer]

Kanye West didn't mean to be such a jackass at the MTV Europe VMAs. He was just drunk. So it's totally okay. [HGW]

Apparently Rosario Dawson and Jason Lewis have been dating for two years. Don't waste too many brain cells on that, because they split up. [Pop on the Pop]

R&B star Mya suffers a panic attack and is taken to the hospital after eating a marijuana cookie. [CelebSlam]

Oh, right, that election. [CNN]

Election, What?

Brit-Brit's divorce docs prove she "faked" her wedding. The day everyone thought she married Federsperm at a Studio City residence, September 18, was not actually her wedding date. She and Federdon't didn't actually get married until October 6.

Looks like the 'pubs'll keep the Senate, but the Dems might take the House. Stay tuned.

Actual Important News

Since, let's be honest, most of you aren't going to hear about it if we don't write about it on gossip blogs (hey, I'm one of you), Saddam Hussein (remember him?), was sentenced to death by hanging this weekend.

In other news shaping your world, The Bachelor found $50K of Salma Hayek's jewelry in a taxi cab.

The British Are Brilliant

From today's edition of The Sun.

[via BestWeekEver]

[you know, I accidentally mistyped that as BestWeedEver, and it occurred to me that, if you were smart, you'd buy that domain name]

I Should Spend Some Time Reflecting upon What Has Become of My Life

Cuban dictator extraordinaire Fidel Castro was reported to have terminal cancer on Friday by Time.com. The impending death of the longtime Communist leader is an event with marked history-changing potential.

I heard about it today, Sunday, on PerezHilton.com, while searching for fresh dirt on Paris Hilton. And most of you will hear about it tomorrow, Monday, here on The Beet, while searching for fresh dirt on Paris Hilton.

Oh, come on, don't pretend you already knew. Unless you read Perez's blog first.

We are, truly, a generation to be reckoned with.



Update: North Korea has nukes, as of, like, an hour ago. Ha! I totally scooped you, Perez!

Pffft! Lindsay Lohan Plans to Go to Iraq

If I had been drinking milk when I first read this headline (I never drink milk; I am lactose intolerant; but still), it would have come straight out my nose.

But wait! It's not over yet!

"I've been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long," says Lohan. "Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous."

That sound you hear? Is your reality shifting. Give it a minute to settle. Take a deep breath. Clean up the snot-milk.

And we're not even halfway through our exploration of the cornucopia of stupid that is the interview she gave to People Elle magazine. Ready for more?

"I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did (during the Korean War), when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be."

Let's put that in black-and-white, Linds. Let's set aside all those critics who are amazed, time and time again, that despite the cocaine-induced "dehydration" and the anorexia and the starlet-celebutante in-fighting, you put out extraordinary on-camera performances every single time you're cast in anything, and let's make sure it is absolutely clear that what you have always wanted to be is not an acclaimed actress, but rather a pinup. Okay. Phew.

BUT SHE'S NOT DONE YET, KIDS!

Is the delicate beauty afraid of going to Iraq?

Of course not. She'll have a gun.

"I'm not afraid of going. My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I'm going to start taking shooting lessons."

There are some more little gems in there, but don't waste too much of your time reading them, because Lindsay admits that sometimes she will tell reporters "things that aren't true … just because it's fun." Like when she later told the People reporter that she doesn't blow coke.