Wednesday, February 28, 2007

AmIdol Recap: Top 10 Girls

We're back. Top ten girls. Randy's in another one of those never-to-be-worn-on-television patterned shirts. Which is forgivable in comparison to Ryan, who is wearing lavender.

Gina Glocksen. We're still dedicating, and this one goes out to her boyfriend. "Alone." I'm not loving the beginning, but she kicks it up toward the end. She's a little off on a few of the notes, but I like her. She's got spunk. She's wearing this red prom dress she got at Forever 21, and it doesn't really fit the song, let alone her, but whatever. I think there's a guitar pick on her charm necklace, and that's cool. Everyone liked her, but Simon thought her vocals were forced at the end. He mentions that her outfit doesn't fit the song. I should judge this show.

Alaina Alexander. Dedicated to robots! No, her mom. These people are so predictable. "Not Ready to Make Nice," which is risky because this song gets so much radio play these days. But I have to hand it to this girl: she rocks this shit out ... at first. Vocally a little shaky at the end, but I like her, too. She got the memo from the Oscars about no necklaces. Randy hated the vocals. Paula says it was shaky but not as bad as Randy said. Simon mentions that she ran out of steam.

LaKisha Jones is wearing the costume you put on when you have to be at a Halloween party in twenty minutes and you forgot to buy an actual costume. I call it "slutty pumpkin." It's this bright orange shirt and short dark denim skirt, with leopard-print shoes. It's possible the shirt is actually red in person, but these people need to check their outfits on camera first. Dedicated to her grandmother, who I cannot freakin' believe is nearly 90 years old. Honestly, she doesn't look a day over 65. I work with people who look older than this woman. "Midnight Train to Georgia." This girl has hands-down the best voice in this competition, she makes it seem effortless, and she's a great performer to boot. Everyone liked her. Paula's sober. Bummer. Simon didn't like her outfit. Oh, Simon calls the shirt "orange," so I guess that's what it is. Ryan calls it "salmon," and it's embarrassing for him primarily because a straight man would never use that word to describe anything but a fish, and also because that shirt is definitely not salmon.

Melinda Doolittle. Aw, dedicated to her two best friends, which is way better than dedicating to a boyfriend. It's not robots, but so far she wins my vote for best dedication. "My Funny Valentine." It's a great song for showing off her voice. She has an incredible range, and her voice is very mature. Man, I really like her, too. I like a lot of the girls this season. I don't even have anything mean to say about her clothes. Randy loved her. Paula thinks she's "out of this world." Simon thought it was "incredible." Simon's like, "We've had some precocious little monsters on this show," in praise of Melinda's low-ego approach, but someone needs to start a band called Precocious Little Monsters. A band or a Montessori.

Antonella Barba. Dressed for her Austin Powers: The Spy Whose Dick I Sucked audition. Dedicated to her brother, who is totally adorable. "Because You Loved Me." We're three notes in. This will not end well. This song is so much bigger than her. Honestly, she's about 500 times better than she was last week, but this girl shouldn't even dream of pitting her voice against Celine Dion's. Randy starts with "On the positive side, you are drop-dead gorgeous." That's a bad sign. "That song was completely the wrong song, way too big for you." Paula mentions she was way better than last week. Simon thinks she was worse than last week, which I'd disagree with.

Jordin Sparks. Also to her brother. Copy-cat. "Reflection," like the one from Mulan. I was scared for her at first, because Christina Aguilera's a tough act to follow, but she pulls it off. She got the no-necklace memo. Yeah, she does a great job with a very difficult song. She's crying after watching the film piece about her brother. Holy shit, I forgot she was 17. Randy mentions it as he praises her. Paula loves her. Simon thought it was "excellent."

Ryan mentions that Kellie Pickler will perform on the results show tomorrow. "She's always fun," he says, "and candid," which is probably the best euphemism ever for the way Kellie Pickler speaks.

Stephanie Edwards, who I have to admit I don't even remember from last week, for whatever that's worth. Dedicated to mom and dad. "Dangerously in Love." She actually sounds a lot like Beyonce, now that I pay attention to it. I don't know if this is a good song choice, just because it's not particularly melodic. It's more chant-y. It doesn't really show off a voice. She does an incredible run toward the end, but it's just not a performance I'll remember tomorrow. She also got her dress at Forever 21. But no necklace. Randy mentions that she sounded exactly like Beyonce, and he thinks she needs to be more original. Paula thought she was brilliant. Simon loved it. Randy, embarrassed to have been disagreed with, quickly mentions that he's worked with Beyonce. Paula falls over in exasperation. Heh.

Leslie Hunt, to her late grandfather. She has this really low speaking voice with a kinda stoner-cool edge to it (not that drugs are cool, kids). In her film clip, she's wearing the same necklace she wore to perform last week. It's a cool necklace, but you gotta be cognizant of these things, dear. "Feelin' Good," which, um, A.J. Tabaldo sang last night, so this is weird. I really liked her last week, but she's not doing it for me this week. She tries scatting at the end, which, um, Blake Lewis did last night, too, and which she doesn't do nearly as well as he does. Randy thought it was pitchy, which it was. Paula liked it. Simon's like "I know why you loved her," to Paula, then, to Leslie, "because, that bit at the end, you sounded like Paula talking." I wonder how long Simon's been sitting on that joke.

Hayley Scarnato, who's another one I don't remember from last week. Dedicated to her fiance, who's super hot. "Queen of the Night." She does a respectable job with the song, but, again, I won't remember this girl tomorrow. Randy wasn't impressed. Paula thought she was way better than last week. Simon gives her an A for effort, but wasn't too impressed vocally. Hayley looks like she's going to cry. Then she cries. Oh, poor baby.

Sabrina Sloan. Dedicated to her grandmother. It's actually a very sweet dedication. "All the Man I Need." She looks gorgeous. She does a killer job with the song, too. I like her. She's on my A+ list. Oh shit, and she turns around to thank the band when she's done. I don't think I've ever seen a contestant do that. Very classy of her. Randy and Paula love her. Simon thought it was the wrong song, but thinks she'll stick around another week.

So my money's on Leslie Hunt to go home, and probably Alaina Alexander, too, but maybe Hayley Scarnato. Vocally Antonella should go home, but you know that girl is stickin' around. Results tomorrow.

Early Evening Links

The National Enquirer thinks Anna Nicole's underlying cause of death was pneumonia. And if it ran in the National Enquirer, it must be true. [Celebslam]

I knew this world was missing something. I thought it was, like, a cure for AIDS and cancer, or peace, or even potable water, but it turns out it was just a hip-shakin' Beyonce/Shakira duet. Phew. [POTP]

Oh hells yes. A new Star Trek movie in the works! [Pajiba]

Carmen Electra's next big career move is as a magician's assistant in Las Vegas, where maybe she can make another marriage disappear. [popbytes]

Katherine Heigl isn't leaving Grey's Anatomy anytime soon, although they do hate her quite a bit around there. [ICYDK]

Jennifer Love Hewitt has very lovely breasts. [Egotastic]

Diddy Throws Down

See, you have to wait a day or two for all the best dirt to come out from the Oscars after-parties, and we can always count on getting some gossip mileage out of Diddy, who didn't learn his lesson about violence in public the last time. Or the time before that. Or that time in that night club with Jennifer Lopez. Or the time before that.

Diddy's being investigated by the LAPD for allegedly clocking some dude after the guy asked him nicely to stop inviting his fiancee to a private party.

Gerard Rechnitzer was at a post-Oscar bash Sunday night with his fiancee at Teddy's at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. At around 2 AM Monday morning, the 27-year-old Rechnitzer was on his way to the parking lot when he made a pit stop in the bathroom. When he walked out, he noticed his fiancee was surrounded by six men, including Combs. We're told the 5'7", 140 lb. Rechnitzer watched as Combs chatted up his girl for about five minutes, and then asked his fiancee to leave with him.

At that point, Combs allegedly told the woman he was having a party and invited her to come. Rechnitzer persisted and asked his fiancee again to leave with him. Combs then allegedly socked Rechnitzer in the jaw.

Hey, Diddy, don't you have better things to do than hit on other guys' chicks? Like, I don't know, hang out with your two newborn girls? Or have that father-son chat with your twelve-year-old about cameras and lap dances? Just some suggestions.

Stalkerdom Posing as Cutesy Art

There are times you truly feel sorry for people who make millions of dollars, because there isn't a price you could pay me for certain elements of the job.

For instance, take this psycho, she handcuffs herself to Hugh Grant and acts like it's just what girls do. If that were me I would have been tempted to batter her with her own shoe. She wouldn't have been able to run.

Hi, Matthew McConaughey. Would You Like to Have Sex?

Surfing in Australia. And normally those ridiculous swim trunks would be a deal-breaker, but I'll make an exception for you, Matty.

Everyone On Grey's Anatomy Hates Everyone Else

If I were E!, I'd be working on this True Hollywood Story already. It's going to be more interesting than anything on the fictional show. With Isaiah Washington back from gayhab, things had started to settle down at Seattle Grace. That is, until Shonda Rhimes announced last week that Dr. Addison Montgomery (played by Kate Walsh) would be getting her own spin-off show. This didn't sit well with the gigantic egos on network television's most volatile set. According to an on-set source, “the rest of the cast seemed instantly resentful of [Walsh]. They each thought they’d be the one chosen to get their own show, and now they’re giving Kate the cold shoulder.” The source added that Ellen Pompeo “seemed particularly peeved because she felt that, as the star, she should have been consulted.”

I call bull on that last bit. Why on earth would Ellen Pompeo be consulted on that sort of production decision? I think even Ellen's underfed brain knows she has no standing in who gets a spin-off. The first part, though, I totally buy.

I imagine these are factors in Katherine Heigl's decision to drop out of contract negotiations with the show's producers over a salary dispute. “Katie is disappointed and hurt that Touchstone doesn’t value her as much as her other co-stars, especially Sandra Oh and Isaiah Washington,” says a source. Katie's been pissed with the producers for a long time, as she felt Isaiah wasn't punished harshly enough for his behavior toward her BFF T.R. Knight, and, with latecomer Kate Walsh chosen for a spin-off over her, she's probably just fuming. Plus, she knows the show can't lose its two hottest chicks at the same time. That, my friends, would be some serious shark-jumping.

Paris Drives Like Beet

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (AP) — Paris Hilton was cited for driving on a suspended license after police stopped her for speeding and driving without her headlights on late Tuesday, authorities said.

If you're going to speed put your headlights on. Also, if you don't have a valid license do your best to keep it under the speed limit so as not to attract attention.

She was on her way home from buying DVDs at Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood after spending the day at home for a photo shoot, her publicist Elliot Mintz said.

This is why stupid people shouldn't be obscenely wealthy. Because they have no idea how to live their life in a manner that will allow them not to be bothered. If you gave me Hilton money right now (and you should at least consider it) I would:

1) Subscribe to the Columbia DVD program where they give you the first ten free but charge you $35 a pop after that. No, wait, I'd hire someone to sign me up. Then I'd direct them to order me every DVD that has ever come out, and then order every DVD that is scheduled to come out. Then I'd keep them on the salary with the caveat that if I ever didn't have a DVD I wanted their $150,000 salary a year would be taken away.

I would then hire one other person to LIVE at Virgin Megastore. They would have the exact same job, only I would pay them more because they would have to live in a store. This would be my double blind system. Even if I had to fire one of them I would always have the DVD I wanted. For kicks I would then hire an IT guru to set up a download system for foreign releases that were not commercially available to either of my DVD mules. If I wanted something exotic I would call out the name of a movie to him (he would be paid to sleep at his computer terminal) and he would get it for me. He would have exactly one hour before I set my attack dog loose on him.

2) I would have a giant man in a bear costume drive me everywhere. He would be armed to the teeth.

See? Better.

James Blunt is a True Blue Hellion

You know that song where he says "You're Beautiful" and then proceeds to undress on the beach? Well, that's not the only side to James Blunt. There is something darker and much more sinister within, a beast that Blunt hasn't been able to tame.

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Police are investigating reports that James Blunt ran over someone's foot as he was leaving a party, then drove off, authorities said Tuesday.

You know that joke you have with your pals where you pretend they ran over your foot as they pull out of the driveway? Blunt really did it, except without the joke part.

Oh, and reported that Blunt was accompanied by supermodel Petra Nemcova at the time.

Well there you go. If I was Jimmy Blunt, and I was banging Petra Nemcova I'd run over toes without a care in the world because I'm a one hit wonder. This night is probably all I have. Do I care if your toes go crunch? No fucking way man, I'm heading home and this Petra chick is going to do stuff to me that I've only seen in the rap videos. I mean really, just look at this fucking guy, he doesn't have a chance, I hope he is about to run you over right now!


Wolfgang Puck Catering Loves Fecal Foods

If you are squeamish just skip this post, because it ain't gonna be pretty.

Here we go.

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Guests at Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue party on Feb. 14 and a dozen other events may have been exposed to Hepatitis A, which was diagnosed in an employee of Wolfgang Puck Catering, authorities said Tuesday.

Wolfgang Puck - "Poisoning celebs like it's hot!" Also, anyone affected by HepA is counseled to get them some globulin shots real quick like. No reason to mention that other than I really like the word globulin.

Globulin. Globulin. See? It's fun.

Dr. Jonathan Fielding, county director of public health, said the caterer's response to the situation has been "exemplary."

Well, yes, that's a good route for them to go, exemplary, because they don't want to get sued for one zillion-kajillion dollars by the best lawyers in the world... at least not before they have a chance to leave town and head on down to ol' Mexico.

Oh, and just for the record, an employee for the company is apparently responsible for unknowningly putting people at risk for HepA which we all know is spread through the orofecal route.

Yep, that word equals poop plus mouth. Yay!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Late-Night Links

Hayden Panettiere does Comic-Con. Don't get too excited, guys. She's still totally unattainable. [Ninja Dude]

Is Katherine Heigl quitting Grey's? [Warship]

Michelle Pfeiffer stopped aging somewhere around 1974. [popbytes]

Tyra Banks gets kicked off a city bus. [DListed]

Prepare yourself for way more PoshKat pics. The funniest ones are when they pretend like they eat. [A Socialite's Life]

AmIdol Recap: Top 10 Boys

Tonight is all about the top ten men. Ryan Seacrest (vest check comes up negative) kicks things off by being the bigger man (perhaps the only context in which this is true), by congratulating Jennifer Hudson on her Oscar win, even though she failed to thank AmIdol in her speech. (Side note: I did a Google blogsearch for "Jennifer Hudson thank American Idol" to confirm that she did indeed snub them, and was asked by Google if I meant to query "Jennifer Hudson tank American Idol.") Ryan introduces the guys, then says hello to the girls in the pit. Antonella Barba is there, fully clothed and without a cock in her mouth, so that's nice.

The contestants have been asked to dedicate their performances to the "people who inspire them." You know, so that we can do things like thank the troops. And Phil Stacey wastes no time in doing that. He's dedicating his performance to his Navy command back home. He's singing "Missing You," and doing it quite well, although unremarkably. They recast Chris Daughtrey this season. Like when Sarah Chalke was New Becky. He's New Chris Daughtrey. Randy loved it. Paula -- who may be drunk tonight!! yay!!! -- loved it. Simon's not too excited, because, you know, it wasn't too exciting.

Coca-Cola Red Room. Ryan asks Sundance what people were talking about over the weekend, after being featured on the show. "Antonella Barba," he responds, "and that dick she sucked." Except, much to my dismay, he says something else.

Jared Cotter is dedicating his performance to his mom and dad. I have this feeling we're just going to alternate between the troops and family members, as far as dedication goes. I hope someone dedicates their performance to the memory of Anna Nicole Smith. Or, like, robots. Singing "Let's Get it On." Vocally he's just fine, with some weakness on the higher notes. He really is a great-looking kid. It was a good performance, but this song just has to be oozing with sex, and I don't know if he brought that.

I think Paula's drunk tonight. Happy dance! Oh, yes, she's definitely drunk. "That's the kind of song that you don't have to push ... on ... well, no pun intended," she says, then starts cracking up. Simon, realizing we are dangerously close to Paula describing the benefits of girl-on-top sex on live family television, cuts her off entirely. Because, you know, she's drunk. YAY!!

"And the things we've all done to that song," says Ryan, because we are eighteen minutes into the show and have abandoned any sense of decorum.

A.J. Tabaldo. Mom and dad. And ROBOTS! No. Just mom and dad. "Feelin' Good." Vest check comes up positive, with the oddest green collared shirt beneath it (with the sleeves rolled up), and then a black undershirt beneath that. Like, "I'll kick yo ass, right after I bring this gentleman his truffle." The boys are much, much better so far tonight. Blows a high note, and his second-to-last run is a little flat, but in general it's a good performance. Everyone, including Simon, says nice things about him.

Sanjaya Malakar. Dedicating his performance tonight to weed. And his late grandfather. "Steppin' Out with My Baby." He's wearing this top hat, which I think is supposed to match the jazzy nature of the song, but coupled with his dark skin and soft voice, he's a dead ringer for Michael Jackson right now. He is horribly uncomfortable on stage, his voice is mediocre at best, and this is painful to watch. The judges didn't like him. The audience boos half-heartedly. You know, it's possible Paula is not drunk, but rather just hungover. I'm getting more of a hangover vibe from her. It's the way the words catch in her throat.

Chris Sligh. Dedicated to his wife, Sarah, who is about 100 times hotter than he is. He points this out himself. Singing "Trouble," which is a really cute song to sing after that dedication, actually. Vocally, though, he is really not impressing me. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon liked it. His wife is adorable.

Nick Pedro. To his girlfriend. Awww. "You Give Me Fever," and in the middle they cut to a shot of the drummer hitting the cymbals, then giving the camera a "how'd ya like that?" look, and it's easily the most interesting part of this segment. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon mentions that he lacked charisma. "I thought the drummer was very good," he adds. Ha. Nick makes his own "Vote for Pedro" call, which was funnier when Ryan made it last week and it, you know, hadn't been done last week.

Blake Lewis. Mom and dad. And robots? No. No, not robots. "Virtual Insanity." Oh Jesus, some girl in the audience is wearing a shirt with a pin-up silhouette graphic and the words "Blaker girl," which might awesome if it said "Blaker chick." I like Blake. This is a risky song choice, and he's making it work, even inserting his own beat-boxing and scatting in there. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was copy-cat and vocally weak. And now the strangest thing happens. Blake says "vocal entendres" and pronounces the "s" sound, which is wrong, as is the entire use of that word in this context, but Blake pronounces the final "e" sound correctly, as a short vowel. "Vocal entendree?" says Ryan, as though Blake had pronounced a long e sound. He then makes fun of Blake for saying "vocal entendree," although Blake didn't say that, and then pronounces the word correctly, because he's an ass. I have to stop watching this show. It makes my head explode.

Brandon Rogers. To his late grandmother, the robot. "Time After Time." Did someone besides Cyndi Lauper sing this? Because this is a very different take on it. I'm totally digging it. He rocks the little riff toward the end. Randy didn't think it showed him off vocally. Paula -- I'm officially going with "really hungover" as her diagnosis for tonight -- liked it. Simon thinks he needs to make a bigger impact. Brandon's like "By the way, it's my dad's birthday today," and Simon's like, "Brandon, it's my mom's birthday in November." I laughed out loud. "And I love puppies," adds Simon. Sigh. I love Simon. He's looking at Ryan like, "See? That's how you do funny."

Chris Richardson. Grandma back in Virginia, who's still alive, and pretty darn adorable in pictures. "Geek in the Pink." Shit. This is the first Jason Mraz I've ever heard on the show, and he gets mad points from me just for trying. Unfortunately, Jason Mraz songs have this quality of Jason Mraz-ness, and it's hard for someone else to pull them off. He does quite well, but he's no M-R-A-Z. Randy thought it was better than the original, so I go back to listen again. I disagree, although he did do quite well. Oh my God. So something happens that moves Paula to put a pink Valentine heart on Simon's chest. But, see, it's a heart with another heart overlaid on the upper right-hand corner of the existing heart, and when the camera moves back, away from the details of it, it looks like a cock and balls. If someone has a screen shot, kindly send it along. "Well, you've been invaluable tonight, Paula," says Simon, as he removes the heart and tells Chris that he was awesome tonight.

Sundance Head. Dedicated to his robot son Levy. Oh, he chokes up on camera because he's bummed that he's missing all these milestones in his baby's life. That was cute. "Mustang Sally." He does a nice job with the song. I like Sundance. Randy loved it. So did Paula. So did Simon.

So, Sanjaya should have gone home last week, and, if he doesn't go home this week, I'm just confused. None of the other guys were particularly bad this week, but if I were choosing, I'd send Nick Pedro home with him.

No He Didn't

So The Beet will cover AI in all of its homo-tastic glory but seriously Simon Cowell just called out Ryan totally gaying it up.

Here is their verbal intercourse discussing Nick Pedro's outfit.

"What would you dress him up in, just so he has some guidance"

"I'm not a stylist"

"A black shirt maybe something tight snug, rub a little of the chest" (as he rubs his chest)

"Lets just calm this one down a bit Ryan"

Now I know they were trying to reference Simon oddly rubbing his chest during the auditions but Simon's smirk tonight said it all. Let the games begin Simon loves to call Ryan out and I love it.

This Just Seems Wrong

Skinny Christina Ricci can't stop getting her jollies on when her boy-band hot ex-husband Justin Timberlake leaves for Iraq so the "Snakes on a Plane" guy chains her up. Something is diirrrrtttyyyy and wrong about this movie. I use dirrrrrrtttyyyy in the X-tina sense.

Check out the trailer.

Naomi Watts is Preggers!!

While Naomi Watts has kept mum on the subject of pregnancy rumors, plenty of other folks have been doing the talking for her. Naomi's Oscars gown was Escada, and a rep for the house issued this press release on Sunday: "The ESCADA gown set off her most precious new asset – the baby she is expecting with longtime boyfriend Liev Schreiber."

Last night, Schreiber appeared on Conan O'Brien and confirmed the news himself: "Yes, I'm going to be a dad," he said. "Very exciting." According to Schreiber, Naomi commented that "it's a very auspicious thing that our embryo is going to be at the Oscars." See, you know she's Australian, because she says things like "auspicious." Attractive women from America don't know what that word means. Say "auspicious" to Jessica Biel at the Oscars and she'll be like "God bless you," but you won't notice because you'll be panicking, having been momentarily blinded by her dress.

Congratulations to the couple, and we wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Britney Shears

Bidding is up to $170.00 on Ebay. This is wrong is so many ways...but also really really awesome. It comes with its own padded room. You know that the mass produced bald Britney Spears dolls will be at Spencer's gifts in about 4 days.

Thanks Dlisted for the heads up.


Eddie Murphy's rep/paid liar has come out today defending the Oscar nominee's behavior at the Academy Awards on Sunday. After Alan Arkin beat out Murphy in the Best Supporting Actor Category Eddie Murphy left the auditorium and didn't go to any of the post Oscar bashes.
"Eddie had always planned on leaving after his category was announced to spend the rest of the evening with his family. He did the same thing following the Golden Globe Awards."
Storming out of the Oscars isn't cool. Most people don't leave after their category and miss their co-stars' big performance. Ah "Norbit" wasn't the best idea was it Eddie?

Jennifer Hudson Hated Her Oscars Outfit Too

First off: bolero. That is apparently what we were supposed to call that metallic thing draped across Jennifer Hudson's shoulders at the Oscars. Instead, we called it a spacesuit, we called it horrendous, we called it nauseating, and we called it a mistake. So did Jennifer.

In a Today Show interview, she told Matt Lauer that the outfit was her only Oscars regret. A source at Page Six says that Vogue and its editor-at-large, Andre Leon Talley, was behind the mess. I should have known. That thing just smelled like Talley. "Jennifer was kind of sponsored by Talley and Vogue," says the source. "Andre insisted she wear that hideous Oscar de la Renta dress with the awful, awful gold python bolero. Jennifer really didn't want to, and so [noted celebrity stylist] Jessica Paster got her a beautiful gold Roberto Cavalli custom-made. But when Andre found out, he went ballistic. Moments before she left for the show, there was a power struggle and Jennifer ended up putting his outfit on."

Hey, Jen, a little tip: ditch Vogue. First they did that mucho unflattering cover shot and photo spread of you, and now this? Jennifer. Vogue hates you. I swear, this is all part of Anna Wintour's campaign to prove that anyone with a BMI over 17 cannot be attractive. Get away, Jennifer! Start up your jet packs and hit warp speed!


I don't know why this is so incredibly funny to me. Maybe because I went to Arizona State, where I'm fairly certain vanity hit that asymptotic high point after which any further changes are infinitesimal in, like, 1987. I'm not sure why they even bother holding classes there anymore. Classes are to frat parties at ASU the way that television programming is to commercials at NBC: just the tedious filler in between the rapes value-added content. Asymptotes? I learned about them in high school. Vomiting in the shower without allowing it to clog the drain? That, I mastered as a Sun Devil, baby!!! (And a special welcome to all 500 visitors an hour who will now show up here looking for pro-mia content ... here's a tip: stop.)


Article here if you care.

Shiloh and Z

"Dude, how come I don't get a cracker?"

These two are so ridiculously gorgeous. How did Angelina Jolie manage to pick, like, the hottest orphan in all of Ethiopia? Look at those eyelashes! I would kill for natural lashes like that. Omg. So adorable.

The Foxy Strikes Back

Foxy Brown, as female rappers are wont to do, has come out swinging.
The only crime I'm guilty of is being a young black woman,” Brown said.
Hmmm. Well being a young black woman isn't a crime so you should be good to go. I imagine the lawyers will have a field day for them even charging you with being young and black. You still shouldn't have confessed to that though, make them prove it to a jury.
Police in Florida have said that Brown spat on the store's owner and then got into a scuffle with an officer in the parking lot.
Hey, wait a sec! Why are they charging her with being a young/black/female when they could just bust her for assaulting an officer?? What a bunch of goofs! She's totally going to beat the rap of being a young black woman because that's not an actual crime you poor fools!
Brown was charged with resisting an officer and simple battery, police said.
Oh. Huh. Well she's in a lot more trouble than she thinks then because while they have plenty of YBF's down in SoFlo they don't have a ton of police assaulters . They tend to throw that sort of gal in the clink. Back to the drawing board Foxy's lawyers, sorry, for a sec there I thought you were home free.

Today is a Slow News Day



Well no shit, Sherlock.

While it's terribly sad for Brit, it does not preclude a pre-existing problem with substance abuse, and it's just a relief that she's in a top-notch rehab facility where this can all be dealt with in a controlled, safe environment.

The Mirror reports that paramedics were called to Promises to treat her for undisclosed reasons on Saturday night, and her mother, KFed and the kids showed up soon after.


More Dirt - Posh and Katie Not Sitting in a Tree

It seems as though Posh and KatCruise are in a tiff.

Why you ask? Perhaps it has something to do with Posh slamming the Science religion. There are all sorts of fun quotes here but it's my sacred duty to distill them into one comedy nugget. Here goes:
According to Victoria's friend, it all boils down to this: "Scientology is an expensive religion; Victoria is too cheap to convert."

According to the NY Daily News, Victoria told a pal: "There's no way I'd spend any money on that nonsense," regarding the cultish "religion."

You got it, the issue isn't Xenu or the fact that the religion was written about 40 years ago by a guy whacked out of his mind on sedatives, no it's all about the finances baby.

Posh remembers those pre-Spice days, back when she was eating Chef Boyardee out of a can. And who can blame her? Baby Spice is probably working the street right now.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscars Party Wrap-Up

Now that we have the boring film awards part out of the way, we can focus on the truly important aspects of the Oscars: the parties and the gossip! While only the creme de la creme gets an invite to the actual awards ceremony (so can someone please explain to me what Jessica Biel was doing there?), plenty more celebs show up to the viewing parties and the after-parties. The biggest after-party is always Vanity Fair's, which was hosted this year at Morton's. Celebs who showed up included Gwyneth Paltow, Oprah, Madonna, Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban, Kirsten Dunst, Daniel Craig, Orlando Bloom, and many, many more. PopSugar and their WireImage subscription have more pictures of it than you could ever flip through. Well, maybe you could. Pictures from inside the party are here, pics of the men arriving are here, and pics of the women arriving are here.

Elton John hosted his annual AIDS Foundation Oscar bash in Beverly Hills. Attendees included Tara Reid, Victoria Beckham, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Diddy (who should probably be spending less time at parties and more time keeping his 12-year-old son away from lap dances), Sheryl Crow, Eve, Petra Nemcova, Naomi Campbell and Sharon Stone. One billion pictures here.

Giorgio Armani hosted his elite pre-Oscar party on Saturday night at Ron Burkle's estate. Attendees included George Clooney, Anne Hathaway, Penelope Cruz, Chris Kattan, John Travolta, Mischa Barton, Dylan McDermott, Sandra Oh, Clive Owen, Angie Harmon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Beyonce, and Katie Holmes. Pics here.

So, lots of pretty pictures. Boring, right? Totally. You want the dirt? Well, me too. Sometimes it takes a few days for the good stuff to trickle out, but I'll give you what I've got so far.

Eddie Murphy, always a class act, left the awards ceremony in a huff after losing the Best Supporting Actor award to Alan Arkin. "He’s very disappointed,” says a friend. Murphy didn't even stick around to see the Dreamgirls performance, and missed out on watching co-star Jennifer Hudson (and her spacesuit) win the Best Supporting Actress award. It's okay, Eddie. Maybe you'll get a shot at Best Actor for Norbit.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was hosting the viewing party at gay hot-spot The Abbey, if by "hosting" you mean "sitting in a corner and refusing to talk to anyone and leaving the second Best Picture was announced." Full report on her bitchiness by an attendee here.

Sharon Stone treated the crew at Morton's with a repeat performance of her role as drunken auctioneer. Reports ABC:

Stone, unsteady on her feet and slurring her words, rambled, "I've been sitting at my table with P. Diddy and Jon Bon Jovi, and I'm a little messed up," later calling herself a "bad girl." She did manage, however, to get two different attendees bidding on a chance to attend John's 60th birthday bash to each front $250,000.

If you just want to relive your favorite moments for the Oscars telecast, you're in luck. The videos are all over the Internet. Remember when Ryan showed Giuliana his Calvin Klein underwear on the red carpet? That precious moment of awkwardness is forever memorialized here. The song and dance by Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly? Here. The Dreamgirls performance in all its belted glory is here. At least Jennifer Hudson spent five minutes of the ceremony looking like she lives on planet Earth. Shadow dancing? Hells yes.

Late-Night Links

Brandon Davis makes Paris Hilton cry at her birthday party. Somewhere, Lindsay Lohan has a newfound confidence in her Higher Power. [Celebslam]

Pink has one of those sexy jutting-out pelvic bones that are absolutely irresistible ... on a man. [The Blemish]

Hey, guess who's freakin' adorable? The Jolie-Pitt family! [POTP]

Vivid agrees not to distribute the Kim Kardashian video until all this Britney/Anna hype dies down and the blogosphere can once again focus on a C-lister's sexcapades. [Celebrity Smack]

100 places to get music online. [Bree]

Do you ever catch yourself watching MTV's Juvies and think to yourself, "Man, I wish some blogger would do an interview with one of those crazies?" I don't. But still. This is a pretty funny interview. [IBBB]

David Spade has a blog. I guess the rest of us should just stop now. Strange, I used to think I was funny. [The Showbiz Show]

Looking Good, Lindsay!

Sobriety is treating Lindsay Lohan well. While she's certainly had some help from Britney, Anna and Oscar, it's been quite a while since we ran a Lindsay-Lohan-threw-a-fit-then-cried-then-fell-then-went-to-the-bathroom-18-times story around here. She looks adorable in these pics, leaving a private party at new L.A. hotspot Winston's this weekend, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think this girl is finally starting to get her shit together. Rock on, Lindsay!

Mary-Kate Olsen, Hard-Nosed Journalist

Or, you know, candy-nosed journalist, white-nosed journalist, powder-nosed journalist. Take your pick. Ana's BFF submitted the "My Favorite Purse" essay she wrote in fifth grade to the New York Times, and in return they handed over her very own byline:

I have a large, red quilted Chanel bag that I borrowed from my sister Ashley. I wore it to an event and never gave it back. Luckily, she's moved on to another bag, so I'm safe for now. I'm not quite sure how many bags I have, but let's just say I have a few. When I find a bag I like, I tend to wear it to death until I become obsessed with another one. This probably happens three to five times a year. But I always come back to the Chanel. The size isn't overwhelming, and it has enough subtle detail to keep it interesting.

I also have the smaller version in blue and in white, but the red is definitely my favorite. I don't have a stylist — I'd rather just do my own thing and put together my own outfits. The chain-handle bag is the perfect accent to almost any combination I come up with. I look at everything with a designer's eye, but I wouldn't change a thing about this bag. I think that's why it's a true classic.

Wow, MK. Tear. Did someone say "Pulitzer"? I think yes.

Thanks to Gawker for the heads-up.

Bob Brown Addicted to Jail

Non snarky version here.

My version: How good is this intro:

Brit Spears Wants You Dead

These British folks are reporting Brit Spears was found with a "death list" of people she wanted to kill when they dragged her into rehab.

Well then. K-Fed made the list, no shocker there. I am starting to wonder if she can come back from this. Not career wise, the world is a forgiving place, but mentally. She seems rabbit on the stove crazy at this point.

Our friends (seriously, we have lunch together) over at "I don't like you in that way" are all over this too.

Stars: They're Just Like Us!

They make sure their 12-year-old sons get lap dances from busted-ass hos. Diddy's son Justin gets his world rocked.

(That is probably the first and only time you will hear me use the word "ho" on this blog. It's not a word I use very often. But when your adult, but-her-face ass is rubbing all up on some 12-year-old boy's cock, you, my dear, are a ho.)


Photos from Vanity Fair's Oscar Party

More here.

Antonella's BFF Talks About the Dirty Pictures She Leaked on the Internet

Except Amanda Colluccio is still sticking with that whole "I had nothing to do with it" line. Read the full interview here, but here are the highlights.

"They were meant to be seen by one person and one person only," Coluccio said at her Holmdel home. "The really bad ones aren't her. I've studied them. It's not her nose. She's never had (acrylic nail) tips in her life. She's the least slutty person I know."

Coluccio, who speaks with Barba daily, says they believe someone from Catholic University broke into her computer and posted the pictures."She's been crying. She's horrified," Coluccio says. "She's most upset about what her parents think."

"'We both went to fulfill a dream but were made into characters," she said. "'American Idol' is the fakest show on TV. We're so real and down-to-earth, and I wish people could see that."

Check out more of the pictures in question here and here.


Eddie Murphy's rep/paid lair has come out today defending the Oscar nominee's behavior at the Academy Awards on Sunday. After Alan Arkin beat out Murphy in the Best Supporting Actor Category Eddie Murphy left the auditorium and didn't go to any of the post Oscar bashes.

"Eddie had always planned on leaving after his category was announced to spend the rest of the evening with his family. He did the same thing following the Golden Globe Awards."
Storming out of the Oscars isn't cool. Most people don't leave after their category and miss their co-stars big performance. Ah "Norbit" wasn't the best idea was it Eddie.


Eddie Murphy's rep/paid lair has come out today defending the Oscar nominee's behavior at the Academy Awards on Sunday. After Alan Arkin beat out Murphy in the Best Supporting Actor Category Eddie Murphy left the auditorium and didn't go to any of the post Oscar bashes.

"Eddie had always planned on leaving after his category was announced to spend the rest of the evening with his family. He did the same thing following the Golden Globe Awards."
Storming out of the Oscars isn't cool. Most people don't leave after their category and miss their co-stars big performance. Ah "Norbit" wasn't the best idea was it Eddie.

Why Was Jack Nicholson Bald?

Jack Nicholson was a bit creepy last night with his bald head. Awards shows love panning to Jack's reactions and last night he was down right loopy. I promise you that he and Diane Keaton had a little bit of "something" before they gave out the Best Picture Oscar. We were trying to figure out if it was blow or just a quickie in the bathroom that got them so wound up but there was something going on.

Back to Jack's hair. Where did it go? Why? The answer is is that Jack is going to be playing a cancer patient along with Morgan Freeman in the film "Bucket List." It is supposedly a "buddy flick" about terminally ill men. That sounds like the feel good movie of the year. At least the mystery was solved. It is good to know that he wasn't mocking Britney Spears...part of me thought it was a really really bad joke. Kudos to Ellen not connecting the two baldies because though it would have awarded the Kodak Theatre a bit of a chuckle, it wouldn't have been good for all of Hollywood's A-List to be making fun of Brit Brit.

Britney's First Husband Sure Did Love That Bitch

So, yeah, as has been firmly established at this point, Britney Spears does drugs. Well, hopefully she doesn't currently do drugs -- at least not if Daniel Baldwin has anything to say about it -- but she used to do a lot of drugs. Like for years, people.

Ehhhhnyway, her first husband, Jason Alexander (the twit from Louisiana, not the twit from Seinfeld) is such a darling that he's opted to spill his romantic guts to some paper in London. He recounts an episode during which Brit almost OD'd on E (the drug, guys, not the television network, although I suppose both are equally probable):

"I took her into the bathroom and threw her in the shower. She was unconscious. She tripped and fell. I was trying to hold her up and speak to her. She wasn't moving. I remember looking down at her all crumpled in the tub with the water coming down. She looked so white and lifeless. I thought she was dead. I thought, 'This bitch is going to f--king die right here in front of me.'"

I wonder if this was before or after he married her. Anyway, sweet of him to care so much.

Hugh Does It Dirty

Page 6 says Hugh Hefner is getting married again to the chickie pictured above (Holly Madison). Not only will she recieve mind altering elderly sex with a moderate chance of breakin' a man's hip but she'll also get the security that comes with the Playboy Mansion's grotto.

I can tell you that by the time I'm 80 not only will I not care about women; I'll be in full crotchety mode (while pursuing competitive shuffleboard). Right now women are lovely. At 80, egh, I'm good.

Nice work Hugh, now don't you go dying on us.

Monday Morning Music

Ok Lars is going to kill me for this but today's song is "Over It" by Katherine McPhee. Her album didn't really blow up the charts but I'm seriously digging this song. The video kind of looks like she is making her own solo sex tape but this song is too darn catchy. She really does have a great voice and if you need a good pop song today, give it a second look.

Also, since I am having a bouncy pop music moment, since our loyal reader Henry suggested I post this lovely tune here is the best song that Gwen Stefani has put out in a long time. I am really excited that she is finally recording another album with No Doubt since some of her solo stuff was getting a bit weird. If you haven't downloaded "Sweet Escape" yet, please do. It is a must for a workout play list...just be careful that you don't sing it on the treadmill. Some guy did that yesterday at my gym and it is really embarrassing.

A Royal Tea for Helen

Oscar winner Helen Mirren has been invited by her magesty, Queen Elizabeth, for a royal tea later this month. Many have speculated that the Queen was a bit miffed by a movie based on her experiences in the wake of Princess Diana's death but she has come out saying that she supported Mirren's Oscar campaign.

Evidently the Queen is a big fan of Mirren's work and has her own DVD's of her in the "Prime Suspect" miniseries and "Calendar Girls." She hasn't seen "The Queen" because it was be too upsetting considering the subject matter.

“She thinks that Helen Mirren is one of the best actresses of a generation. There is no way Her Majesty would sit down and watch a film about the days after the death of Princess Diana. The memories and the subject matter are far too close to the bone. But equally the Queen still wants someone who is one of her favourite actresses to get the credit she deserves.”

Helen had a love fest for the Queen last night during her acceptance speech and dedicated her award to her. I'm guessing that the Queen will be quite pleased. Reserved, quiet, sensible but quite pleased.


Sunday, February 25, 2007

Late-Night Links

Everyone in Hollywood smokes weed. Hurry up and call your local D.A.R.E. rep. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney, on the other hand, likes coke and E, and has for a very long time, as everyone and their brother is rushing to report now. I've been hearing Britney Spears cocaine stories from reputable sources for years now, but somehow none of this stuff managed to make it into the press until the girl checked into rehab. [Celebrity Smack]

There are new pics of Britney Spears in rehab on the Internet. I'm not going to link to them, because I think it's real freakin' ballsy of these photo agencies to publish pictures of her with her fellow rehabbers. Britney signed over her right to anonymity a long time ago, but that's not true of everyone at Promises. But if you poke around a little, you'll run into them.

Tyra Banks cops a Kat Mc-Feel. Wow. Sometimes I feel crushed under the weight of my own comedic genius. [Ninja Dude]

A very cool look at this year's Oscar dresses back when they were on the runway. [Allie Is Wired]

The top three Dumb Ryan Seacrest Moments from the Oscars. [FishbowlLA]

A pre-Oscar photo essay. The streets of LA prepare for the onslaught! [LAist]

Yes Okay We'll Cover the Oscars

But only the fashion part. For a full (and laugh-out-loud) Oscars liveblog, check out Laremy on or the boys at Defamer. Also check out the photo gallery at for a look at all the dresses from tonight.

Our fashionista T already did a great look at her Oscar faves, but I had to write all this shit for anyway, so it's going to run here as well. Plus T only talked about the good stuff. I'm here to talk about the bad.

It's 3 p.m. Pacific time, and E! is just beginning their coverage of the red carpet arrivals. I struggled in deciding whether to watch E!'s coverage or TV Guide's (with Joan and Melissa Rivers). I chose E!, and I know immediately that I made the right decision. They have a news-ticker sort of bar running at the bottom of the screen, and they're allowing viewers to send in short messages via SMS, which they then run live along the ticker. ("Standard text-messaging rates apply," says Ryan Seacrest, which is a line he has down pat.) This is a source of endless amusement. I don't know how I can be expected to focus on anything else. I think they are supposed to be used for running commentary on the coverage, but right now I just saw: "Call me sometime Kate! Shane from MN." They're all like this. It's a riot. I just texted "My cats love you, Ryan!" to 37373. E! wrote back to let me know they'd received it. We'll watch and wait.

Ryan Seacrest's on the red carpet alone, and Giuliana DePandi's in the sky box with Jay Manuel (from America's Text Top Model, and Giuliana pronounces his last name "Man-well," which is interesting since Tyra always pronounces it "Man-you-elle," but mostly it's just sad that I think about things like this). It's fascinating to me how much less awkward and frightening the coverage is coming from Ryan and Giuliana than from the lower-level reporters who did the warm-up coverage. Together, the two of them probably have nearly a thousand hours of live television experience, and it shows.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the first person of any import to do a red-carpet interview. She's wearing an unexceptional purple number with a kind of cool single strap moving from her cleavage over her shoulder. I guess she looks pretty good for someone who just had a baby a few months ago. Ryan totally strikes out. He starts with, "So, you're just watching the show today?" Maggie's like, "I'm presenting." Oh. A minute later, he's like, "You and your brother have done, what, three films together?" Maggie's like, "Oh, no, we've done one." The rest of the interview is just as riveting.

Now Gael Garcia Bernal from Babel is talking to Ryan. Since no one actually cares about him, Ryan immediately asks what it was like working with Brad Pitt. Bernal reveals that he's never met the guy, since their scenes were filmed in different parts of the world. We linger on this point for a while. He said he met most of the cast for the first time in Cannes.

Al and Tipper Gore talk to Ryan, who actually asks Al Gore who he's wearing. Genius! You can tell the producers at E! sat down with Ryan yesterday and were like, "Ryan, you have to remember to ask everyone what they're wearing. It's very important." And Ryan was like, "That's going to be weird," and the producers were like, "We don't care. You have to do it." Vice President Al Gore is wearing Ralph Lauren tonight.

So far, the fashion theme I'm seeing on the red carpet is strapless dresses with no necklaces and understated earrings, and I'm totally digging it. I'm all about minimalism in fashion.

Ryan talks to Emily Blunt (Devil Wears Prada, wearing strapless dress sans necklace) and Michael Buble. He asks them if they're engaged. They say no, but thanks for the added pressure. Ryan is on a roll with this.

Let's see if he does any better with Jennifer Lopez, who confirms that she will be performing on American Idol this season. She's bucking tonight's fashion trend, wearing a light pink, flowing empire-waist dress by Marchesa, with rows of bejeweled straps. This will do absolutely nothing to dispel pregnancy rumors. She's there with Marc Anthony, and she seems about as genuinely happy as I've ever seen her. My vote? The girl's preggers.

Now Jodie Foster, who looks gorgeous in Vera Wang. She's there without girlfriend Cydney Bernard, since the two of them seem to prefer to keep their thirteen-year relationship an open secret around Hollywood. She's presenting tonight, and admits that she plans to leave right after she's done.

Penelope Cruz. Strapless, detailed pink dress, no necklace. Orlando Bloom, her alleged new paramour, is nowhere in sight. Her hair is in an elaborate, braided bun. She looks fantastic from the waist up, but the bottom of the dress looks kind of like a flamingo died in dangerously close proximity to Donatella Versace. Ryan likes it. Whatever. Ryan wore a vest on American Idol last week. He doesn't get a vote. But everyone else seems to like it, too, so maybe it's just my penchant for minimalism kicking in. Penelope says specifically that she doesn't think she'll be winning the Oscar tonight, then quickly heads out.

Rachel Weisz in -- gasp! -- a strapless Vera Wang with a necklace. Quel faux pas! (I'd originally written this as "Quels faux pas," then texted my favorite French expert to confirm. "It's quel faux pas," she wrote back. "Who are you saying is a disaster on the red carpet?" My friends know me so well.) Ryan makes a series of "wang" jokes, because he's just hysterical like that.

Now Jessica Biel, putting on a brave face after giving it up to Justin Timberlake and then promptly getting dumped for Scarlett Johansson. I am fairly certain she's opted to forgo a bra along with her dignity tonight. Wearing a bright pink Oscar de la Renta and her nipples. I bet the dress color is stunning in person, but on camera she looks radioactive. Sometimes, when I'm bored in meetings at work, I mindlessly wrap all my hair around my finger and then stick the whole mess of it in place on the back of my head with a hair tie. Then five minutes later I take it down and do it again. Jessica Biel is proudly sporting my bored-in-meeting hairstyle. ("Jessica Biel is just a complete tragedy," texts my French-expert friend.)

John Travolta and Kelly Preston with the first what was she thinking of the night. Kelly is wearing Dolce and Gabbana leopard print. Not, like, a cute little waistband of leopard print, or shoes or a clutch. The whole freaking dress is leopard print. Head to toe. Unless this pattern is supposed to ward off Xenu, I cannot imagine what prompted her to leave the house dressed like a hooker.

Hour two of E!'s red carpet coverage kicks off with Jennifer Hudson, whose ensemble would be arguably appropriate had Dreamgirls been set on Mars. Since it was set in Detroit, she just looks awful. I don't even understand what's happening. The brown dress is poorly fitted enough as is, but she's chosen to top it with a silver cropped jacket (and I hope she didn't think this was a capelet) with the largest collar in the world. Ryan asks her who she's wearing. "George Jetson," she says. No, that didn't happen, but it should have. Ryan actually never asks her who she's wearing. That was a nice thing to do for the designer. I mean that.

Steve Carell with Nancy Walls (one strap, no necklace). He thinks The Departed is going to take Best Picture. Nancy pretends to look for Abigail Breslin in her purse. First genuinely funny moment of the red carpet thus far.

LEO!!! OMG OMG OMG IT'S LEO!!! Damn, he is hot. Aw, he came with his mom, since he's single after his split from model Bar Rafaeli late last month. Leo! I AM SINGLE TOO! I HAVE CHICKEN WINGS! COME OVER! He went a little crazy with the self-tanner, as Leo is wont to do, but I can be okay with that. I LOVE YOU, LEO!!!

Ryan's talking to Djimon Hounsou, looking very cool in dark glasses. Cut to footage of him being hot in a Janet Jackson video from a hundred years ago. He did a Paula Abdul video, too, I guess. Giuliana chimes in from the sky box to confirm that he's wearing Calvin Klein underwear, as he's doing a campaign for them right now. Man, they had to pull out all the stops to make that interview interesting.

I think Ryan's supposed to be interviewing Helen Mirren right now, but she's talking to another reporter, so we go up to Giuliana in the sky box so Ryan can berate her for talking about underwear at the Oscars. "Did you have a better question lined up, Barbara Walters?" says Giuliana, except she doesn't say that at all. Instead we talk about "panties" for a full minute while we wait for Helen Mirren.

Helen shows up, holding a union jack. She's wearing a flesh-colored, beaded scoop-neck. No necklace. Sexy but very age-appropriate, and she looks beautiful. She says that she thinks the queen of England has seen her film, but she'll never know officially. Ryan asks her if she brought the flag herself, and she says she "knicked" it, which I think is British for "stole," but I don't have anyone to text for confirmation. Google Translate is no help. Ryan forgets to ask her what she's wearing. He's getting tired, I guess.

Ha! We come back from commercial to Jay Manuel freezing a shot of Jessica Biel's face, circling it on the screen, then drawing a big line through it. "No," he says. "This isn't working." Jay also says that Rachel Weisz should have ditched the necklace. I totally called that one. I should host this show.

Celine Dion. A very simple green dress. No necklace. Hair down. I dig it.

Anne Hathaway. Valentino strapless, no necklace, but she's making up for it with about twenty bracelets. ("I decided since it's my first Oscars, I'd just wear every single diamond I could find.") I don't know why I always want to hate her, but she's kind of likable right now. Ha! Ryan turns to the sky box to talk crap about her dress with Giuliana, then realizes she's still standing right there. Awkward. No one liked the dress. Anne Hathaway is sad now.

Forest Whitaker. I like how Ryan always starts these interviews with, "We're live on E! right now." It's kind of like saying to the subjects, "Please don't cuss or talk about the dude you saw me making out with last night." Forest has prepared a speech for if he wins. Ryan asks him if he thinks he'll win, and he skirts the question entirely. The interviews with boys are boring.

Gwyneth Paltrow. I think they employed the spider from Charlotte's Web to make her dress. That or Zac Posen. It's orangish, very thin and very complicated. It's backless, and her stylist has clearly instructed her to keep her hair tossed over her shoulder, running down her front, to show off the back of the dress. This occupies a great deal of her time and focus.

Beyonce. I can't tell if her dress is white or lime green (it's Armani, and Beyonce eventually identifies it as "mint green"), but it has this strange line of pearl-like stones in floral patterns running diagonally across her chest. I commend her for taking a risk, but I don't like it. She has such a perfect face, and this distracts from it.

Cate Blanchett. I don't know what it is about her face, but she always looks to me like she just got done crying. Tonight is no exception. A very tight-fitting, black-and-silver Armani Prive. I never realized what a stunning hourglass figure she has. I love it because she's not a straight line -- girl's got hips -- and she's showing it off. No necklace. She doesn't expect to win tonight -- she thinks it will go to Jennifer Hudson.

Eddie Murphy, with Tracey Edmonds. Suck on that, Scary Spice. It's pretty crappy of him to show up here with Tracey, after just having dumped Mel B., who's pregnant with his kid, and then going on record stating he's not even sure it's his. One classy move after another for Mr. Eddie "Norbit" Murphy. Tracey looks uncomfortable, like she knows how much this sucks. Also, her dress is made of giant mirrors. Ew, I'm glad when they go away.

Kate Winslet. More lime ("mint") green, Valentino this time. One strap, no necklace. She admits smugly that she's the most-nominated actress of her generation, which I'd typically give her crap for, but in her case it's well deserved. Also, she corrects Ryan on his pronunciation of Ricky Gervais's name, and I love her for that.

Queen Latifah. Very simple black dress, no necklace. It's possible the dress is more interesting in person, but on camera it is a little too simple. Coming from me, that's saying something. Girl's got titties, though.

Meryl Streep wearing something she borrowed from Billy Madison's Miss Lippy. The devil may wear Prada, but Meryl Streep is wearing a bathrobe. With huge, awful, orange beads and gigantic metal jewelry. Ryan doesn't ask her who she's wearing, because he's trying not to throw up on her.

Nicole Kidman. Bright red halter dress, which would be so perfect except for this huge looped bow sticking out from the right side of her neck. It's like she's in mourning over the loss of her conjoined twin. Like any minute she'll bust out with, "If Natalie were still attached to me, poor dear, this is right where we'd put her head."

We're wrapping up E!'s coverage, and Ryan didn't get to interview everyone, but they showed a few folks who deserve mention here. Reese Witherspoon looked phenomenal in Nina Ricci. She's lost about 100 pounds since her divorce, although she didn't need to, but she is radiant in a trailed purple strapless (no necklace), with super-long hair and bangs. Eat your heart out, Ryan Phillippe. Abigail Breslin goes fairy princess-style in an adorable pink dress with a floral top and just the right amount of makeup. She is wearing a necklace, but I'll let that one slide, because she's like four years old. Jada Pinkett Smith sports a fitted gold Carolina Herrera, which is a thousand percent better than that awful hot-pink thing she wore to the SAG awards.

Now, I have a feeling people are going to give Kirsten Dunst a hard time for her cap-sleeved white vintage Chanel, but I thought she looked very beautiful and old Hollywood. I would ditch the feathers at the bottom, but, beyond that, I felt it was perfect for her. Cameron Diaz's hair, makeup and jewelry were great, but I didn't love the white asymmetrical Valentino on her. I guess she pulled it off as well as anyone might have, but I haven't been enjoying her taste in dresses since her split from JT.

So, in summary, as you prepare for prom (and, really, girls, it's February, so if you're preparing for prom already -- and I know some of you are -- get the hell over it and do your math homework): dark and strapless, form-fitting, and no necklace.

Fashion Stars of Oscar Night

Here at T's Favorite's for Oscar Gowns:

1) Penelope Cruz- Her strapless Versace dress took my breath away every time the camera panned to her. The pale pink looked gorgeous against her skin and it made a bold statement without looking like she should be standing on a wedding cake. She accented the dress with perfect hair and was luminous tonight.

2) Cate Blanchett- This dress was one of my favorites because it really captured what the Oscars are all about...sparkle sparkle sparkle!!! This Giorgio Armani Prive gown fit her perfectly and moved so beautifully on stage. She really is a gorgeous woman and is lucky every year to be given amazingly beautiful and interesting dresses to wear on the red carpet.

3) Helen Mirren- Helen Mirren was one of the hottest women at the Oscars tonight and she is 62. Honestly, for a woman of a certain age she really has quite the cleavage and this dress showed off her body without being inappropriate. Like the classy woman she is she was able to balance a conservative silhouette with a plunging neckline and it was a dress fit for an Oscar winner. I also love that she had simple hair and beautiful make-up that really gave her a youthful glow without trying too hard.

4) Reese Witherspoon- Showing that divorce is still sexy, Reese Witherspoon stepped out in a strapless deep purple Nina Ricci gown. Newly svelte, Reese has made smart choices wearing dresses that accent her small waist. She did a great job glamming up her look with long stick straight blond tresses which looked a bit harsh on Nicole Kidman but worked beautifully with her overall look. She was understated and very grown up. She is an A-lister now and finally dressed the part tonight.

5) Abigail Breslin- This little girl was the cutest thing I've ever seen tonight. I thought her dress was adorable and thankfully very age-appropriate. Dakota Fanning watch out...I loved the flower detailing and she accessorised the best way possible, with a lovely smile.