Final Thoughts on the VMAs

Because you all are clearly incapable of forming your own opinions and thus are unfailingly interested in mine.

Sarah Silverman may well be the funniest person on planet Earth. As soon as one of you finds a clip of one of her VMA bits on YouTube, send me the link please.

If we could never, ever have Amy Lee and Jared Leto standing next to one another again, I'd be fine with that. Really. In high school I could handle looking at three, maybe even four goth kids at the same time. In my twenties, two is really more than I can stomach.

I may like some of her music, but every time I hear her speak, I like P!nk less.

It's funny cuz Lil' Kim is fat now. And crazy, crazy, crazy.

You know what is not classy, All American Rejects? Stumbling up to accept your award with a glass of scotch in your hands. Passing it around stage as you slur. Amusing, yes. Classy, nuh-uh.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds. Where is Ken Paves when she needs him? Is her favoritism toward him angering her other stylists? I swear they are putting her in these short dresses and then running off somewhere to watch and giggle.

Ringtone of the Year award? Like, your song is so simplistic that it carries particularly well via mobile phone? You get an award for that now?

It's cool that Panic! At the Disco (good band name. oh wait.) got the whole audience to scream "whore!" It's a shame that Paris Hilton wasn't on stage at the time. The rest of the performance was great visually, but the lead singer was so nervous I don't think he hit a single note right. Too bad cuz it's a great song.

It's nice to see Petra Nemcova so happy with James Blunt now. You know, after the whole almost-dying-in-that-one-tsunami-that-claimed-the-life-of-her-boyfriend-and-hundreds-of-thousands-of-others thing.

I'm pretty sure Britney and KFed got booed. And rightly so. That was the dumbest bit tonight. And that's saying something.

I LOVE YOU XTINA!

Oh, that "marry me marry me" song is by Jared Leto's band. Hm. I like that song. How odd. If he becomes some big famous rock star now, I just don't know how I'll reconcile that. I mean, My So-Called Life was cancelled. Everyone else in that cast got the memo.

For reals, Sarah Silverman, I would very much like to go out with you. Jimmy Kimmel's star is falling, sweetie. Mine is just beginning to rise. Get on board with a winner. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

When you, as a blogger, start quoting Meredith Grey because you can't think of anything funnier, it's time to go to bed.

Beyonce Don't Need No MENTOR, Beyotch!

Goddamn Beyonce just rocked the fuck out at the VMAs. In a sea of mediocre performances (I mean what the hell was that, Justin?), she demonstrated unequivocally why her albums go multi-platinum and Rihanna's are stalling out around gold with a commanding performance of her anthemic stay-the-fuck-off-my-man's-cock-you-whore single, "Ring the Alarm."

Rihanna will not be sleeping well tonight. Neither, for that matter, will her "mentor," Jay-Z.

Hot damn, you go girl. Thank you for that.

Hey MTV, You Missed One

Someone at MTV's in trouble.

I just listened to Fergie sing "I don't give a fuck so here we go" on the MTV VMA's Red Carpet Pre-Show. They caught the first use but missed the second.

The weird thing is that it's 6:45 pm here in LA, meaning it is 9:45 pm in New York, where this was filmed. But it's light outside on the TV. So, um, this was definitely pre-recorded (at least for west coast audiences). And they still missed it.

Picking Up the Pieces: Pure Speculation in the Absence of Actual News Edition

• Photogs catch Harry Morton purchasing an engagement ring at Cartier. Could a proposal be in the works for his very own Pink Taco, La Lohan? Probably not, but it's late August and the VMAs haven't started yet, so let's just speculate for awhile.
• Paris Hilton has managed, in a mere 24 hours, to be linked romantically with both Lance Armstrong and Travis Barker. What an unpredictable little whorecake she is.
• John Mayer denies the Jessica Simpson romance with his own patented brand of brood and angst.
• Okay, okay, okay. John Travolta just might be gay. Act surprised. Thanks to Dave at Maassive for the push.
• "Jump the couch." A defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end. Know it. Love it. Say it.
  

What the Fuck is Going on at E! Online Right Now???

From their front page right now:

In case you can't read that, this is what it says (emphasis mine):

TOP REQUESTED CELEBS

Updated Hourly

1. Justin Guarini
2. Britney Spears
3. Paris Hilton
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Ashlee Simpson

Oh my God, what is going on? Who are you people? What could you possibly hope to find?

It says "Updated Hourly," not "Updated in 2002." I checked three times.

Help me understand.

Update: The kids at his fan site have helped me solve the mystery. Thanks for your hard work, guys!

Trump Says "You're Fired" to Carolyn Kepcher

Donald Trump has fired his longtime Apprentice sidekick, Carolyn Kepcher, on the grounds that the fame associated with The Apprentice had gone to her head, and she was no longer focused on business matters. Instead, Kepcher was spending her time "giving speeches...and doing endorsements." The straw that broke the camel's back? As a 36-year-old woman managing several key aspects of the multi-billion-dollar Trump industry, she had the nerve to write a book about how to succeed in business.

Yes, Mr. Trump, it truly is a disgrace when those who fancy themselves captains of industry seem more interested in devoting their efforts toward promoting their own fame and scoring endorsement deals.

Next thing you know that fame-hungry whore'll come out with her own perfume line.

Kepcher will be replaced by Trump spawn Ivanka, whose teen modeling career and two years of undergraduate education at Wharton more than qualify her as a business genius.

Good Morning! Jessica Simpson Is Wearing Vanessa Minnillo's Underwear!

TMZ reports that Jessica Simpson walked into a lingerie store in SoHo with her entourage, and left with three sets of lingerie...

...the same pieces that Vanessa Minnillo wore in her Maxim spread. Minnillo has, of course, been romantically linked to Simpson's ex, super-hottie Nick Lachey.

Hmm.

I smell a music video. Because the nation is just beginning to recover from "Cry Me a River."

I thought this album wasn't about Nick, Jess.

Update: Gawker thinks it's a PR stunt. That doesn't have to keep the idea of it out of your bedrooms tonight, guys.

Anderson Cooper Weighs in on the KFed Issue

Link via SorryIGotDrunk.

Will Someone Please Do Something about Paula Abdul?

I've written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It's easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul's substance abuse problem. It's so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming "Wow, I think she's sober tonight" in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You'd think she'd have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can't keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I'm kind of sad for her, actually. I've decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon -- clearly, by nightfall, she's totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.

Odds and Ends: Nope, Still Nothing Here about Suri Cruise's Poop

• I haven't posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you'll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide's Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it's time to stop speculating and start coping. They're a couple.


• Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they're being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don't care if they hurt her feelings and it's just not faaaaiiiir.


• Yes, okay, here's the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I've created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.

• La Lohan's pop would like the opportunity to expound on his prison art.
• Recently divorced Hilary Swank is dating her not-quite-yet-divorced agent at CAA. Will she never get involved with someone famous?
• JT and Cameron in splitsville? Perez Hilton thinks mayhaps.
• I am not writing about or linking to anything regarding Suri Cruise's fecal matter, be it bronzed or otherwise. I'm just not. Sorry to disappoint.

HOLY SHIT! Anna Wintour Smiles for the Camera!

Hurry! Tie down the pigs! Thanks to The Gilded Moose for alerting us this very, very unsettling turn of events. We are following the progress of this story closely and will keep our readers abreast of any updates. For now I suggest you all stay indoors.

Kristin Cavalleri Has a Sassy T-Shirt...

...and it is news. Last month, Cavalleri ended her romance with Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner, and since then, Jenner's been photographed almost daily with Eating Disorder of Malibu Nicole Richie. Cavalleri saves face by courting the photogs in a shirt that says YOU CAN HAVE HIM, which she undoubtedly purchased at Kitson along with her TEAM JOLIE shirt (oh, you would be Team Jolie, wouldn't you, Kristin? I know you.) According to Us Weekly's source, Kristin "has had that shirt forever and finally had a reason to wear it.”

Hey Kristin: I have this shirt that says "Asexuality: It's Not Just for Amoebas Anymore." If I give you $50, will you put it on and go have lunch at The Ivy?

Matt Leinart to Reproduce

People reports that Arizona Cardinals quarterback and all-around hottie Matt Leinart has knocked up some chick he banged. Her name is Brynn Cameron. She's a 20-year-old junior at USC and the most attractive female college basketball player in the history of the world. According to People, she will "sit out the upcoming basketball season," which gives me the much-needed confidence that this girl has the sort of informed decision-making skills crucial to motherhood.

As many of you may know, Leinart has been linked romantically to songstress Paris Hilton. So I suppose the good news here is that Leinart saved his irresponsible sperm donation for some chick we don't care about, and we will not have to deal with the media frenzy that would surely surround a Paris Hilton pregnancy, culminating in the national discussion on whether or not it is appropriate for her to take a child to Hyde in an oversized Fendi bag.

(I hope you people didn't think I was being serious about the "songstress" part.)

I wish them the best; I'm sure the whole Leinart family will find as much joy in the Arizona Cardinal's Pink Taco Stadium as Matt once found in Paris's.

Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition

• Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner's adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that's where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I'm just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.



• Paris Hilton's rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I've made a chart:

  
  
  
  Are you familiar with the term "asymptote," Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman's album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is "flop." Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I'm concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
• How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.
  

You Asked for It: The Guys from Laguna Beach May Occasionally Hit Things Other Than Kristin Cavalleri's Vagina Edition

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don't offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it's funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it's not a real shocker that the Internet doesn't abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You're so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google -- "stephen colletti shirtless" -- produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn't figure out why you didn't just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here's a hint for all of us: spell it "Voorhies," because, you know, it turns out that's how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here's a beer bong, it's the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You're awfully specific, aren't you? I've actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of "Jason Wahler" and "cocaine." Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we'll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don't want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won't print.

"white wife"

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.

Oh Good, There Was an Emmy Nip-Slip

Mindy Kaling from The Office, we thank you. We promise to learn how to pronounce your name. Later, though. [Best Week Ever]

Monday Morning Holler Back

• Ashton Kutcher is developing a candid-camera-style reality series for NBC based on the film The Wedding Crashers.


• Matt Stone has it on good authority that Saddam Hussein is being forced to watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut in prison. Hussein banned the movie in his own country in 1999 because it depicts him as the gay lover of Satan. Fussy, fussy.


• Maybe you should just stay at home and drink alone, Tara.

Picking up the Pieces: James Lipton is Sooo Not Getting a Bid from Any of the Good Houses Edition

• Bridget Grish doesn't care if you look at her tits. Her mySpace page? That's different.
• George Clooney is rumored to be dating Ellen Barkin. If you don't know who Ellen Barkin is, you're in good company. She's in Oceans 13 right now, and she's credited in films going back to 1978 (which is approximately when I'd guess her IMDB photo was taken), but she's essentially a no-name, and an aging one at that (birth date on IMDB: April 16, 1954). Could it be that George Clooney wants to build a true, lasting relationship with an emotional peer? Hmm. Nah. It's a really clever PR stunt, though. Way more subtle than inventing a baby.
• James Lipton from Inside the Actors Studio recites lyrics to "K-Fed Freestyle" on Conan O'Brian. Then he takes a beer bong. Poorly. Like pre-frosh from Minnesota poorly. Thanks to Tiffany at PopCultureWhore for the link.

The Emmy Results You Care About

Drama Series: 24
Comedy Series: The Office
Actor in a Drama: Jack Bauer
Actress in a Comedy: Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Actress in a Drama: Mariska Hargitay
Actor in a Comedy: Tony Shalhoub
Writing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program: The Daily Show
Variety, Music or Comedy Series: The Daily Show
Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Jeremy Piven
Supporting Actor in a Drama: Alan Alda
Supporting Actress in a Comedy: Megan Mullally
Supporting Actress in a Drama: Blythe Danner

In case the Emmy results you care about do not completely overlap with the Emmy results that I care about, the LA Times has the budget to put together the whole list.

I'm a pretty happy Beet about all this; I am thrilled that The Office won; I'm always happy to see Jon Stewart do well; it's good to see Mariska Hargitay recognized for holding her own against Chris Meloni all these years (I'm sorry but Kathryn Erbe may as well have been a Maltese in Vincent D'Onofrio's Louis Vuitton); and as long as we're lauding women here, how fabulous that the Seinfeld Curse was not only broken but spit and menstruated upon by Julia Louis-Dreyfus after all the men tried and failed; and Megan Mullally ought to be voted President of our country, but I guess an Emmy is an okay start.

The only thing I'm mildly annoyed with is the Blythe Danner win. I would have liked to see that go to Chandra Wilson or Sandra Oh, but Chandra will have other chances, I'm sure, and I suppose Sandra can cry herself to sleep clutching her Golden Globe.

Most importantly, Joan Rivers conducted her 1000th red carpet interview (with Debra Messing). Unfortunately, it aired on the TV Guide channel. I love Joan Rivers, and I'm bummed she's not on E! anymore. Mostly, though, I'll always pine for that one year long, long ago when they let Kathy Griffin do the red carpet interviews. She asked the kids from Arrested Development if they had any weed. It was probably the highlight of my life, and I pray each night that someone will give her a second chance.

Matthew McConaughey Would Like the Bloggers to Stop Writing About How He's Gay Please

This woman looks strangely like Teri Hatcher. Taking a cue from Ryan Seacrest, are we, Matty?

[ICYDK has more of this charade]

Pirates of the Caribbean Sucked But You All Liked It So Here's Pictures of the Third One Being Filmed

The eight of you who followed the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest will be relieved to know the filming of the third edition is in full swing out here in Los Angeles. I'd typically make some reference now to the cliffhanger at the end of the last one, and how it will be duly resolved, but after the investment of three hours of my life that I will never get back, I have absolutely no idea what happened in that movie. There was a sword fight on some manner of wheel and a Johnny Depp character better suited to The Birdcage, but everything else went right past me. But since most of the known world saw it anyway, I can't really blame Disney for trudging forward with another.

They're filming the Black Pearl scenes right now off the coast of Palos Verdes (across from Joe's Crab Shack for those of you who want to go a-stalkin'). A few of my more nautical cohorts went sailing out there this afternoon and sent me some photos of the crew setting up. They didn't stick around for the actors to show, but they did get a shot of Depp's yacht, which is where I imagine he meets up with Tim Burton for a little pitching and catching. If anyone's got pics of filming with the actors, send 'em to evilbeet@gmail.com, and I'll give credit where credit is due.

Weekend Update: Black People Can't Swim Edition

• Americans nationwide unite for the single purpose of helping CBS generate buzz for its upcoming season of Survivor: Racism, and the ever-observant Rush Limbaugh just wants to do his part to help. From E! Online: Hispanics, he said, "have shown a remarkable ability to cross borders" and "will do things other people won't do." Asians, per Limbaugh, are "the best at espionage, keeping secrets." Blacks "lack buoyancy" and are "more likely to drown," while the white man's burden will weigh down the last team with "guilt over the fact that they run things." I hope someone has thought to award this man an honorary Ph.D.
• Douglas L. Hall has written a script for Angelina Jolie. Would you like to read it? Now you can, at www.myscriptforangelinajolie.com.
• Jesse McCartney would like to take back what he said about Jennifer Lopez. If only he could do the same thing for the entirety of Summerland.
• Check out this video of two Chinese students lip-syncing to Jessica Simpson's "A Public Affair." Pay special attention to the motionless kid in the background who quietly plays a first-person shooter game on his computer while his roommates sing their hearts out. Thanks to Anna for the link.

Box-Office Hits for Your Weekend

Just a few random clips I thought I'd leave for anyone who swings by this weekend.

Remember when Jessie Spano was abusing caffeine pills? Yes, you do. You reminisce about it at least once weekly with your friends. Unless you're one of the people who keeps showing up on this site searching for Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison, in which case you are 14 at best, and the only thing you know about Mark-Paul Gosselaar is that he died in a car accident at least 5 times before you finished elementary school.



Speaking of Donald Faison's love interests, here's Garden State as a horror trailer, via The Trailer Mash.



And last but not least, probably the most appropriate use of a treadmill I've seen in years. Thanks to Alex for the link.

More Odds & Ends: Vaginas Everywhere!

• That girl with two vaginas? She has a blog now.
• 24-year-old fashion assistant Bridget Grish gets fired from Life & Style after her amateur porn videos show up on the web. There's a lesson in there somewhere, I'm sure of it.
• Harry Morton -- La Lohan's latest squeeze -- wants to lend his Mexican-cum-vagina-themed restaurant's name, Pink Taco, to the Arizona Cardinals new stadium. There's an Arizona-Cardinals-are-pussies joke to be made here, but after writing the previous sentence, I'm in no mood to think it up.
• No one wants to see the AmIdol tour. Which is surprising only when you consider that the So You Think You Can Dance tour is selling out most cities in minutes. Maybe next season they should divide the performers up by race.

Picking Up the Pieces

• If you liked Mean Girls, you'll love Heathers 2.
• When William H. Macy goes on the record with how much you suck, Lindsay Lohan, you must totally suck.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been lurking around the Yahoo/HBO complex in Santa Monica. They must have found a sitter for their little Suri. And by "sitter" I of course mean "fake sitter," and by "Suri" I of course mean "PR stunt."
• Since he can't marry Kate Moss just yet, Pete Doherty is passing the time by sneaking cocaine to teenagers in rehab.

JLo Preggers; Jesse McCartney Needs Additional Media Training

Let's start from the beginning: hottie Jesse McCartney is dating Katie Cassidy. Who is Katie Cassidy? For starters, she's David Cassidy's daughter, although I remember watching an MTV special about her fledgling singing career several years ago, and she had basically no relationship with her father other than him calling bi-monthly to urge her not to pursue a singing career. When the singing career eventually failed to pursue her, she must have gone into acting, as I hear she beat out the likes of Kristin Cavalleri and Jessica Simpson for the role of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming film adaptation of Dallas alongside John Travolta.

Jennifer Lopez was originally cast as Sue Ellen in the film, but she dropped out suddenly several weeks ago. The rumors I heard explaining this were mostly a variation on "[ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] didn't want to work with [ Jennifer Lopez / John Travolta ] because [ she / he ] is too [ divaesque / washed up and pathetic ]" with the occasional "Dude the script just sucked" tossed in for good measure.

Enter Jesse McCartney. In an otherwise mundane interview with Atlanta's Star 94, McCartney was asked if girlfriend Cassidy could give them the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the project.

"She didn't get fired," McCartney responded. "She's pregnant."

Oops.

Lunch Break Quickies

• Zach Braff thinks this season of Scrubs will be his last. Hey, you know who could step in as Donald Faison's replacement love interest? Cacee Cobb! [for those of you spelling-challenged googlers out there: fason, casey, cob, kasey, KC, casee, fison, feson, faizon]
• Nicole Richie walks into a bar. Stop the well-endowed singer of the Spores if you've heard this one before...
• Need to kick-start a buzz for the eight billionth season of your tiresome island-based reality show? Try racism!
• Tom Cruise officially too stupid for the studio that greenlit Nacho Libre.

Heidi Klum is Ridiculously Hot

Also, as of this morning, Pluto is no longer a planet. A bunch of scientists who are way smarter than you are took a week off from pursuing passing fancies like curing cancer to bicker red-facedly in Prague over this matter. From Yahoo news:

Although astronomers applauded after the vote, Jocelyn Bell Burnell — a specialist in neutron stars from Northern Ireland who oversaw the proceedings — urged those who might be "quite disappointed" to look on the bright side. "It could be argued that we are creating an umbrella called 'planet' under which the dwarf planets exist," she said, drawing laughter by waving a stuffed Pluto of Walt Disney fame beneath a real umbrella.

AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! HA Ha. Ha. Haa!!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha!

Heeeeeeeee!

Ahhhh.

Hang on let me catch my breath.





My God Heidi Klum is hot.

Why Do You People Care So Much about Donald Faison & Cacee Cobb?

It is truly a mystery to me, but you show up here in droves each day via search terms like "cacee & donald" or "cacee cobb and donald faison," and lord only knows how many of you would end up here if you spelled their names correctly. I guess I'm further out of touch than I'd believed; why anyone cares about these two individually or together eludes me.

But anyway.

E! Online's Lara Morgenson says they showed up hand-in-hand at Justin Timberlake's HOB show last week.

So there you go. Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison are totally doing it. How's that for knowing your audience?

Boo-yah.

Putting It All in Perspective

Notable Amazon.com album rankings from today:

1. Christina Aguilera, Back to Basics [I LOVE YOU XTINA!]
2. Danity Kane, Danity Kane [Yup, that's Diddy's all-girl group from yet another interminable cycle of Making the Band. Today, as the title says, we are putting things in perpective.]
...
7. Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way [Didn't that one lead singer chick say something mean about Texas? Or the Pope? It was something like that.]
...
10. Clay Aiken, A Thousand Different Ways [insert multiple-penetration joke here]
...
12. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds [tell us again about those talentless AmIdol hacks, JT, and do it without using any spaces!]
...
24. Kidz Bop, Vol. 10
...
28. High School Musical [Amazon has Ashley Tisdale listed as the artist, but I refuse to condone that here.]
...
32. Cheetah Girls 2 Original Soundtrack [even better than the first Cheetah Girls soundtrack!]

and at #33:
Paris Hilton, Paris.

To her credit, she's been climbing this chart all day, but when your album's stalling out three times as far down as Clay Aiken on pre-order, something didn't go exactly to plan.

If it makes you feel any better, Paris, Jessica Simpson's A Public Affair promises to remain comparatively private, hanging out at the #75 position this afternoon.

Gyllenhaal & McConaughey Not Super-Gay, Just Method Acting

There's been plenty of gossip this summer regarding the apparent love triangle between Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong. The three have been photographed together almost as frequently as they've been photographed shirtless these past few months. With that Sheryl "The Beard" Crow out of the way, we all just assumed the man-love was running rampant. Now it appears there may be a less debaucherous explanation for their behavior: both Gyllenhaal and McConaughey were up for the role of Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. Gyllenhaal won out, so brace yourself for Brokeback Mountain, but this time with more Spandex.

Paris Hilton's Album Drops, Fails to Land on Her

I'll have you know that Paris Hilton is my friend on mySpace. The real Paris Hilton. I know this because several months ago I received a bulletin from her pointing me to a secret page with select tracks from her forthcoming album. They were awful. Embarrassing. Perfect. I sent the link along to some close friends, all of whom essentially called bullshit. "This can't be for real," they said. "It can't actually be this bad."

Paris's eponymous album, released this week, contained all of those tracks and more. In spite of all the Scott Storch hype, the disc is childish and amateurish. It's predictable, I suppose. The beats are danceable, and Hilton's voice is an amalgam of that nasal, pimple-faced darling of your local community theater and Jenna Jameson masturbating. "Scott Storch," she whispers not ten seconds into the first track, and your stomach buckles. It's all going to be like this.

The first single from the disc, "Stars are Blind," which you've all heard 8000 times by now, is a respectable showing. The album has one other bright spot, "Screwed." Hilton battled Haylie Duff (of Hilary fame) for the rights to this song, but the real losers here are songwriters Kara DioGuardi and Greg Wells, whose catchy, true-love-means-you-can-put-it-in-my-ass number would have been sexy and fun in the hands of a Kelly Clarkson; on Hilton it just looks bitter and slutty.

Other can't-miss tracks include "Jealousy," an anti-Nicole Richie tirade (in which she implies implausibly that it was Nicole whose ego couldn't handle Paris's fame) and "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy," where Rod Stewart picks up a writing cred.

Hilton cowrote about half the songs on the album (the more difficult listens, not surprisingly), and one quickly gets the feeling she put more effort into the liner notes, in which she thanks each of her pets by name -- names like Napoleon, Cinderella, Baby Luv, and Kim Kardashian.

Will this album get spun on the club scene? Yeah, probably. Paris is marketing the hell out of it. The beats are solid, the vocals are on-key, and alcohol and cocaine can be serious mitigating factors in that always-on-appeal case of The People vs. Bad Music. So roll up a dollar bill and get to it, because we'll always have Paris.

Check out the album:

There is No News Today

When is Britney due again? This is so frustrating. Items being circulated as news today:

• Paris Hilton released the album you and your best friend recorded on an 8-track when you were ten years old. Honestly, I had pretty much made up my mind that I was not going to listen to this album; I was going to hold out for weeks, at least, and possibly months; my resolve was strong and my motives were pure; and around 3:15 pm a coworker dropped it on my desk, and it was all over for me. I'll write a more thorough review later.
• No one will ever marry Brittany Murphy. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Makeover!
• Kate Hudson thinks she can just skip out on an overseas premiere of a movie nobody cares about just because she's divorcing a man nobody cares about without it being big news. And any other week, she'd be right.

Kirsten Dunst Stole My Mom's Dopp Kit and Is Using It As a Purse

I asked for it back and she got all fussy.

Deep Thoughts by Michael Lohan

Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister's boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she'd made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?

Okay.

Now imagine that you're a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can't get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.

Because that's how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell 'em you love 'em, okay?

Picking up the Pieces

Clips day continues. You know it's a slow news day when you've tracked down a clip of Christina Aguilera on Letterman to use on your blog. But after the Federlesion horror you endured in my last post, Ms. Xtina rocking out should be a welcome treat. I love this girl and I love this song.

The "news" I found on the floor of the gas station bathroom this afternoon:

• Kate Moss, the inarguable Queen of Good Ideas, took it upon herself to plan a wedding to the King of Better Ideas, Pete Doherty. He didn't show. Johnny Depp pokes his head out from his swimming pool of gazillion dollar bills and critical acclaim to laugh.
• Osama Bin Laden plays his own sick game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The choices are Whitney Houston, Bobby Brown, and novelist Kola Boof. Play amongst yourselves first.
• Jessica Simpson's new single sucks so hard that she has lowered herself to warring with Kristin Cavalleri at the Teen Choice Awards. Yeah, that's right, the chick from Laguna Beach. Who Stephen Colletti called a slut. Who is 19 years old. And who probably banged her ex-husband. These are stars that won't stop rising, kids.

Breaking: Keven Federline Not Particularly Talented

Apparently it's clips day on The Beet.

Up now, Kevin Federline delivers a particularly uninspiring rendition of his "song" on the Teen Choice Awards. The good news here is that it turns out his wife can introduce a mediocre performer and chew gum at the same time. She just keeps getting smarter.

"You Won't See This on Fucking Nickelodeon"

A wasted Kelly Clarkson gets pulled up on stage at some metal show (is this Yellowcard? Does anyone care?). It's a 10-minute clip and it's worth every. Single. Minute.

I voted for this girl like 100 times a night, and I'm not ashamed to admit that today.

[Sorry I Got Drunk]

Penelope Cruz's Right Breast, Among Other Things

• After his little traffic mishap on July 20, the LA County District attorney will charge Haley Joel Osment with a DUI. I'm sure the young Mr. Osment knows how to get through this; after all, he spent most of last month being charged by the media with driving a 1995 Saturn.
• Outted Jew-hater Mel Gibson has been sentenced for his DUI arrest earlier this month. He got 3 years probation and 5 AA meetings a week for the next 4 1/2 months, with 3 meetings a week for the rest of the year after that. He also must pay fines totalling $1300, which is about .00043% of what Passion of the Christ netted him personally. The Life Ring blog notes that the U.S. media tend to tiptoe around AA and other 12-step programs, but Britain's Telegraph tells it like it is: Mel Gibson is even a nutcase about AA, demanding spur-of-the-moment Big Book discussions immediately before a take on the set of Braveheart. So -- who's down to stalk some Melibu AA meetings? I'll drive!
• That Owen Wilson knows a good publicity train when he sees one. He hopped on board and he's grabbing a coal shovel, threatening to sue anyone who suggests he might have a role in the demise of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man alliance.
• Brangelina are moving to Los Feliz, ostensibly because no one in Los Angeles can agree on how to pronounce it, let alone remember where it is.
  

God is Everywhere (Even Forever 21)

The NY Sun ran an interesting article today regarding Jesus and everyone's favorite retailer of wear-once-in-Vegas slutwear, Forever 21. It seems the owners are devout Catholics who have been printing the words "John 3:16" at the bottom of the company's trademark yellow bags. A spokeswoman for the LA-based company calls the inscription a "demonstration of the owners' faith." Normally I would be indignant about something like this, but where I can buy a 3-inch plaid schoolgirl skirt and same-height heels for under $20, surely God is at work.

Breaking: Steve-O Drunk, Saying Dumb Things...

...and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie's relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a "self-made millionaire," and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he's ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he's lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. "Whatever comes out of my mouth," he tells the photogs, "run it."

It's like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.

Zooey Deschanel Set to Play Janis

The fabulous Zooey Deschanel has won sought-after role of Janis Joplin, in The Gospel of Janis, which starts filming in November. If you've seen Failure to Launch, you understand what a glorious thing this is. If you have not seen Failure to Launch, rent it (and fast-forward through the parts that don't have Zooey Deschanel in them). Deschanel won the role over a group that included Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and ScoJo.

"Punk" singer Pink was the first choice of director Penelope Spheeris for the role. She dropped out of the race, claiming that the producers had turned the casting into "some circus pop contest--who's the 'it' girl who wants to play Janis," and certainly not because her ego and her drinking problem couldn't cope with the intensity and competition of what industry insiders refer to as "the casting process."

Good riddance, Pinky Poo! I was not excited for this movie, but now that Zooey's been cast, I can't wait!

Britney: "You Assholes Thought I Got Knocked Up Again On Purpose?"

I'd like to begin by issuing an apology to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. In a post last month, I was unnecessarily harsh to the couple, ranting and raving about how insane, fame-whorish, and bad-parenty it was for them to allow a wax likeness of their two-month-old child to be photographed for money.

Compared to Britney Spears, Pitt & Jolie are the Cleavers. (Is there actually anyone alive today who ever watched Leave it to Beaver? Why do we still say things like that? I have no idea who the Cleavers are and you don't either.)

Ms. Spears said an assortment of very retarded and childhood-ruining things while in the presence of People magazine's writing staff, and I'd like to summarize the highlights. While Brad and Angelina waited until their baby had a good solid two months of footing in this world before demonstrating publicly that she's nothing more than a long-term PR stunt, Britney formally announces she didn't really want her baby while it's still in utero. "It just kind of happened," said Britney, by which she means "I meant to to take my birth control, ya'll, but I was too damn stoned, you know? Oh-muh-gahd. Fee?"

It's also nice to see that Britney's in touch with the real reason she wanted to get knocked up in the first place: "It makes me feel needed and wanted," she says, "so I like it."

It's so clear now: when international superstardom, worldwide adoration, mountains of cold hard cash and a steady diet of bong hits and McDonalds just won't heal that empty ache within, you know you're ready to be a mom.

Tim Burton's Man Love for Johnny Depp Knows No Bounds

It's a daunting task to isolate the Stephen Sondheim musical that would have the least commercial appeal as a big-screen release, but Tim Burton has risen to the challenge, moving forward with a DreamWorks production of Sweeney Todd. True to form, he's asked the individual who we, at this point, simply must beginning referring to as his muse -- Johnny Depp -- to play the lead. The feel-good cannibalism film of the decade is slated for a late 2007 release. With any luck this will tie up Depp's schedule long enough that we, as a nation, won't have to cope with Pirates 3 until 2008; at that point, the 17 hours of Mr. Depp drinking gin from potted plants and sporadically penetrating Keira Knightley with a rotted oar while reading Leaves of Grass aloud will casually out-gross the GDP of Finland.

Whatever Perez Hilton is Doing to Lindsay Lohan, I Want to Do It, Too

There's more where that came from. Note that the other woman present is her mother.

Hey Look! Kate Hudson Has a New Guy! No Way!

You're going to want to be sitting down for this.

Kate Hudson, the attractive, talented and successful half of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man union, may have been motivated to end her impulsive, youthful marriage because she is falling in love with someone more attractive, talented and successful than the Strange Bearded Man to whom she is married. Luckily this person is no other than the lovably stoned-on-the-Daily-Show Owen Wilson, her You, Me and Dupree costar. See? Something good did come out of that movie. Just not for Steely Dan. Or anyone who went to see it, for that matter.

...And We're Back

Excuse the brief leave of absence, folks; in the wake of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man separation, I needed a mental health day. It happens. I'm much better now, thanks for asking.

So let's catch up, shall we?

For no discernable reason whatsoever, Justin Timberlake went on record with Vanity Fair to announce his unbridled ire for the vocal stylings of American Idol's Taylor Hicks. From MSN:

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” Timberlake told Fashion Rocks, a supplement of Vanity Fair. Timberlake also thinks that Hicks’ fame is fragile. “If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then he takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”

We get it, Justin. You smoke weed, you sport a tat, you're banging Jordan Catalano's ex, and you've risen to that pined-for pinnacle of your career at which your album titles can eschew the space bar entirely. No more Mr. Nice Guy for you, JT. You are hardcore, and what better way to put the nail in your boy-band image coffin than to go on record questioning both the vocal skills and heterosexuality of last season's AmIdol winner? You are so. Fucking. Cool. Yo.

Regarding his raven-haired former flame, he says "I dated Britney half my life, but I don’t know that woman anymore.” Okay. Memo to Brit: the win-him-back plan didn't work. Cut your losses now.

Cacee Cobb & Donald Faison, Together At Last

Yes, Jessica Simpson's ultra-annoying former BFF and the kick-ass Zack Braff sidekick from Scrubs are rumored to be bumping uglies. I heard about this on Molly Good, who has some interesting observations on the subject ("either she's bearable or he's not nearly as cool as he comes off"), and I suggest you instruct your RSS to track further updates through her, because I don't know how much of this I'll be able to follow without feeling queasy.

Hi Do You Wanna See Lindsay Lohan's Breast for the Eighth Time This Week?

I'm still paying penance for that Indra Nooyi bit (you know, you can tell your friends about it tonight and sound really smart), so here ya go. I figure between Lindsay Lohan's decision to "accidentally" flash some photogs today and PepsiCo's decision to appoint its first female CEO, we average out somewhere around Paris Hilton burying her goat in the plot next to Marilyn Monroe (for the record, I'm fairly certain this is a joke that fell into the wrong hands, but only time will tell).

Anyway...

It actually looks real. And pretty hot. I gotta hand it to La Lohan lately, her body's been rocking, although I could do without most of her "fashion" misadventures.

It Has Occurred to Kate Hudson That She Is Attractive and Her Husband Is Not

Finally. Okay, brutal honesty from me: these two drive me insane. She is so young and beautiful and talented and famous, and he is so old and horse-faced and bearded and irrelevant, and I absolutely hated the possibility that true love could have triumphed over all of that.

Phew.

Kate Hudson's rep confirmed today that the Almost Famous star will be splitting from her not-even-in-the-same-room-as-famous-anymore hubby of six years, former guitarist singer for some band that the kids at your high school who hung out on the grassy knoll and drew anarchy symbols on their Skechers may have heard of, Chris Robinson. Tossed amid the wreckage will undoubtedly be their 2-year-old son, Ryder.

Kate, in exchange for your decision to spare me a lifetime of nauseating interview quotes about the pureness and unquestionable staying power of your love for the man you married at 21, I will end this entry without making any play at all on How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days; this puts me on a road far, far above everyone else who has written about your glee-inducing marital cataclysm in the past two hours. You're welcome.

PepsiCo Announces Female CEO

I know, I know, this is supposed to be a gossip blog, and I made you look at Yahoo's (plummeting) stock chart last week, and now this headline, and it's really not fair, and you're getting kind of squirmy, and, like, uugggghhhhh, but this is important, so sit down and shut up.

PepsiCo (they make Pepsi, in case you were confused, in which case don't even bother with the upcoming words) announced today that CFO Indra Nooyi will take over the CEO position from Steven Reinemund, who plans to retire; this makes PepsiCo the second-largest company based on revenue to have a female CEO (Patricia Woertz at Archer Daniels Midland leads the largest) , and puts Nooyi on a very short list of female CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, not to mention among the Fortune 100, where PepsiCo resides (interestingly enough, PepsiCo is #1 in revenues in the Food Consumer Products industry; position #2 is held by Brenda Barnes' Sara Lee). Nooyi is well respected by analysts and peers, and PepsiCo stock was up slightly with the news. Thank you, Carly Fiorina.

Okay, sorry, I know that was really really painful, so to make it up to you, Paris Hilton is still getting paparazzi mileage out of that firecrotch thing. TMZ got it on tape. Hopefully watching that can help you feel a little less dirty about knowing something about the business world today.

Today in Genius

I checked my spam folder in my Yahoo mail today, and low and behold, Yahoo had been polite enough to shuffle its own outgoing spam directly into my incoming spam folder. So no human ever needs to see it! Now that's progress.

You know what else is a kind of interesting graphic?

Closing Time

It's a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as "Law & Order: SVU actor." It's as if Stand and Deliver never even happened...so sad...
• Fuck. Yes. Screech -- who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as "Dustin Diamond" -- says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a -- wait for it, just wait -- adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there's anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn't, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?

A Few Things You Should Know

I haven't really been in a writing mood today, which is why you've been treated to videos and nip-slip pics, but as a responsible journalist (cough cough hiss hiss), I respect that there are some things my readers should know before I sign off for the day:

1) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes oblingingly struck the we're-in-love pose for paparazzi yesterday, and people seem to think this is newsworthy, so, there ya go.

2) X17 thinks they've got a shot of Suri Cruise. That sad, longing figure in the window may or may not be Katie Holmes.

3) Gwyneth Paltrow is African. All male bloggers subsequently announce themselves painfully well-endowed. I can't compete with that. Except for this: Right, Gwyneth, and I have two vaginas.

4) I keep hearing buzz about terrorist plots involving airplanes. Didn't Nick Cage do a movie about that?

Wanna See a Mrs. Hilton Nip Shot?

Oh, you didn't? Speak up sooner next time...