Closing Time

It's a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as "Law & Order: SVU actor." It's as if Stand and Deliver never even happened...so sad...
• Fuck. Yes. Screech -- who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as "Dustin Diamond" -- says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a -- wait for it, just wait -- adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there's anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn't, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?