Is Lindsay Trying to Get Sober?

La Lohan set tongues a-wagging when she was photographed leaving The Ivy yesterday wearing a ninety-day sobriety chip given by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. It seems unlikely that Lohan herself has actually been sober for ninety days, seeing as how we run a story at least once daily regarding just how drunk she was the night before. Lohan's rep says the chip was a "tribute to a friend."

Lohan's ex-boyfriend, Harry Morton, is rumored to be sober, and I'm sure Lindsay had some exposure to twelve-step programs during her relationship with him. Such chips are also sometimes given as "hope chips," to people with fewer than ninety days sober, to encourage them to reach that goal. At least we now know that Lindsay has heard of AA. You have to start somewhere.

A Rough Night for Lindsay and Nicole

It's been a rough weekend for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. Late last week, Richie checked into a treatment facility to determine "why she's not been putting on any weight." We in the gossip blogging community are proud to announce that we quickly helped her doctors solve that little mystery, because Richie was out and about on Saturday night, partying with Lohan.

Whatever Richie was ingesting that night (we've ruled out food) didn't sit well with her, because she passed out at Hollywood club Hyde around 2 am on Sunday. The club manager wanted to call an ambulance, but Richie's friends insisted they would take her to a hospital themselves, carrying the celebutante out the back door.

Lohan didn't fare much better. She was spotted sitting in her car at 6:45 Sunday morning, convinced that the paparazzi tailing her were trying to hit her car. She seemed "out of it" and looked as though she'd been crying. My guess is she wasn't driving to an early-morning mass after a good night's sleep.

All this comes as News of the World releases an exclusive interview with Lohan, in which she talks about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. She discusses a night in 2004, where she feared for her life at the house of then-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama. "I felt so sick," she said. "I lay down on the bed and started getting these shooting pains. I was screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head." Regarding ex-boyfriend Harry Morton: "I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer." Ouch.

Joking aside, I hope Nicole and Lindsay become willing to take the actions they need to get healthy again. Come on, girls! Look at Courtney Love. You can still do strange, obnoxious, publicity-generating things -- and we'll still make fun of you -- just do them sober.

You Win, Nick Carter

I can't hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I've decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick's "Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show" tour is Britain's News of the World, where Carter states that Paris "was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out."

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that "if she was going overseas, she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Continues Carter: "The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is."

Keep it up, Nick. We're digging it now.

Amy Winehouse's Name is Unfortunate

As she is drunk out of her skull on this appearance on Charlotte Church's U.K. television show.

Us Weekly Soul-Baring May Not Have Been Sufficient Treatment for Tara Reid's Alcoholism

Tara Reid doesn't seem to get it.

Tara, sweetheart: The boobs are not the problem. The alcohol is the problem.

Via Radar:

Tara Reid clearly likes the idea of her hard-partying days being behind her, but she looked pretty shit-faced two weekends ago at a wedding in Santa Barbara.


A fellow attendee claims Reid...began her drunken antics at the rehearsal dinner. "She was the definition of a trainwreck, loudly heckling the family and friends of the bride and groom during their speeches," says the source. Worse yet, Reid wasn't even invited: "One of the groom's buddies brought the Reid-tard as his date without telling anyone," says the spy. "If I were the groom, I'd beat the crap out of the guy."


The following night, Reid appeared to be "blackout drunk before the reception even started." But everything had a happy ending. Sort of: "the wedding itself was actually dreamy because Tara spent the night outside in the lobby, crying her drunk face off."

Hey, Courtney Love, maybe you should add Tara to your chanting list. She can come right after horses.

Scott Stapp Is a Drunken Douchebag

I'm no expert on Jesus, Mr. Stapp, but, from what I've been told, he wasn't real big on gambling, drinking to excess, or announcing that Dave Grohl has a tiny penis on television. But I suppose you'd know better than I.



[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Avril Lavigne is "That Girl"

No, not the "it girl." Just "that girl." You know, the one who can't walk out of the club using her own internal balancing skills, but rather must rely on those of the friends who are propping her up. Check out the video here.

What's funniest to me is the running 'razzi commentary. When you watch the videos of Paris or Lindsay, the photogs are always super nice: "Paris, watch out, there's a puddle!" "Lindsay, hi, you look gorgeous, you look beautiful!" "Paris, how's your jaw? Is your jaw okay, Paris? Your fans are so worried about you!"

With Avril, it's just, "Come on, you drunk bitch!"

But I guess Paris has never spit on a photog.

Paris Hilton Needs to Pay More Attention to Who Has a Camera When She's Drunk Out of Her Head

Because one of these days, she's gonna pull a Kate Moss and get caught putting powder up her nose (please, God?).

More drunkie Paris (including an ass shot) here.

It Is Possible George Michael Has Some Manner of Drug Problem

I was so excited to run this with the headline "George Michael's Double Whammy," but E! Online got to it first. Damn.

I'd rather not be so harsh as to say "George Michael was found intoxicated and passed out at the wheel of his car for the second time in eight months." Instead, let's look at it as "George Michael was found intoxicated and passed out at the wheel of his car for the first time since February!" Because eight months is an admirable length of time to stay conscious at the wheel when you drink and drive like he does. Michael was arrested early Sunday morning in London on suspicion of drug possession, after being awoken, of course.

His partner, Kenny Goss, said "He's fine and I've got him a McDonalds," from which we can conclude only that Goss himself was still drunk at the time of the interview. Best of luck to Michael and Goss, and to the entire city of London. And, E! Online, I call dibs on the "Triple Whammy" headline in May.

(Hey Tiffy -- it's not quite the coke arrest we were hoping for, but I think we can say our prayers were answered.)

Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Mom to Go to Hell

If you can believe it, all is not well in the Lohan household.

On Thursday night, La Lohan met up with her mother, Dina, at an NYC restaurant to celebrate her mom's birthday. By the time Lindsay arrived, Dina and four friends were already pretty smashed, and by the end of the first course, Lindsay and Dina were cussing at one another. Lindsay told her mother to "go to hell" and left the restaurant for the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, and later closed down B8.

Her mother stayed at the restaurant, crying and text-messaging furiously for the next 45 minutes, and apparently made five trips to the bathroom, coming back sniffling each time. Sound like anyone you know? The waiters had to help her out of the restaurant four hours later, after she'd paid the $2000 bill without tipping.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. On the surface, it must seem really fun to have a mother who's every bit as much of an alcoholic and cokehead as yourself, but deeper down I can see how it might feel dysfunctional, unstable and petrifying.

Odds & Ends: All the News That's Not Suri Cruise!

Today's mostly Asian-Baby-Called-Suri-Cruise Day on the internets, but if you're now suitably bored and disturbed reading the TomKat PR script optioned by Vanity Fair, here are some other things going on in celeb news:

• You know what would be purely sensational and unfair and hurtful to the Mel Gibson clan? Dragging his oldest son's past DUI into this mess. My favorite part of this article is the discussion of how Christian Gibson got sober at Cirque Lodge in Utah -- the "same facility that helped Mary-Kate Olsen beat anorexia in 2004." Apparently sobriety has the same staying power in the Gibson family as eating has in the Olsens'.


• Gwen Stefani will not fucking stop calling things "Love. Angel. Music. Baby." This time it's a line of dolls. "The Harajuku Girls and I wore such wicked costumes we had to share them with the world again," Stefani announced. Such a giving soul in a truly world-class songwriter and lyricist. How rare.


• Why it took Joe Eszterhas this long to write a tell-all is a mystery to me. Daily News has some of the highlights. Among them: Val Kilmer is an imbecile. Asked by the Academy to nominate the three best film moments of the century, Kilmer nominated three of his movies. One of them was 'Batman Forever.'


• Britney Spears is planning a C-section tomorrow, at which point the multi-millionairess will officially have given birth to two babies in less than one year, both by a white boy who wears conrows and wife-beaters and fancies himself a rapper. You can take the girl out of Kentwood, right?

Radar is Back! Ashlee Simpson is Puking!

Radar wants you to know they mean business this time, reporting exclusively that Ashlee Simpson showed up at a MisShapes party (I bet Leigh Lezark looked unhappy) with Pete Wentz, whom she straddled. (The Evil Beet has learned exclusively that this Pete Wentz is the bassist for a band called Fall-Out Boy.)

Apparently all the Manhattan hipster awesomeness was as nauseating to Ashlee as it is to most of us left-coasters, and she spent a portion of the night vomiting in the bathroom. Radar's trying to spin it like she drank too much, but don't worry, Ashlee, anyone who's seen a Blue States Lose feels your pain.

Picking up the Pieces: Yes! Of COURSE We Have Jessica Alba's Ass on Film Today!

• Barbara Walters, E.E. Cummings find Rosie O'Donnell's blog pretentious, totally unnecessary.
• People reports that "Party of Five's Jeremy London" got married this weekend. The last time Jeremy London filmed an episode of Party of Five, it was 1997, and you still had a crush on Scott Wolf.
• "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin died this weekend when he was stung by a stingray while filming in Australia. It must be sweeps week.
• Donald Trump: still a raging, misogynistic asshole.
• David Beckham confirms that his wife, Posh Spice, is pregnant again. Hey remember that one time she got trashed at that club in London and there were all those hilarious pictures of it on the Internet? Yeah, that was like 2 weeks ago.
• Nicole Richie's body has nearly exhausted its "internal organs" supply of sustenance.
• Yeah, I know, you think it's pretty heartless of me to be making jokes at the expense of Steve Irwin's recent death and Nicole Richie's imminent one. And you're probably right. But you know what? There are more pics of Jessica Alba's ass. You can't stay mad at me forever.

Monday Morning Holler Back

• Ashton Kutcher is developing a candid-camera-style reality series for NBC based on the film The Wedding Crashers.


• Matt Stone has it on good authority that Saddam Hussein is being forced to watch South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut in prison. Hussein banned the movie in his own country in 1999 because it depicts him as the gay lover of Satan. Fussy, fussy.


• Maybe you should just stay at home and drink alone, Tara.

"You Won't See This on Fucking Nickelodeon"

A wasted Kelly Clarkson gets pulled up on stage at some metal show (is this Yellowcard? Does anyone care?). It's a 10-minute clip and it's worth every. Single. Minute.

I voted for this girl like 100 times a night, and I'm not ashamed to admit that today.

[Sorry I Got Drunk]

Penelope Cruz's Right Breast, Among Other Things

• After his little traffic mishap on July 20, the LA County District attorney will charge Haley Joel Osment with a DUI. I'm sure the young Mr. Osment knows how to get through this; after all, he spent most of last month being charged by the media with driving a 1995 Saturn.
• Outted Jew-hater Mel Gibson has been sentenced for his DUI arrest earlier this month. He got 3 years probation and 5 AA meetings a week for the next 4 1/2 months, with 3 meetings a week for the rest of the year after that. He also must pay fines totalling $1300, which is about .00043% of what Passion of the Christ netted him personally. The Life Ring blog notes that the U.S. media tend to tiptoe around AA and other 12-step programs, but Britain's Telegraph tells it like it is: Mel Gibson is even a nutcase about AA, demanding spur-of-the-moment Big Book discussions immediately before a take on the set of Braveheart. So -- who's down to stalk some Melibu AA meetings? I'll drive!
• That Owen Wilson knows a good publicity train when he sees one. He hopped on board and he's grabbing a coal shovel, threatening to sue anyone who suggests he might have a role in the demise of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man alliance.
• Brangelina are moving to Los Feliz, ostensibly because no one in Los Angeles can agree on how to pronounce it, let alone remember where it is.
  

Breaking: Steve-O Drunk, Saying Dumb Things...

...and TMZ has it on tape. Actually, the Jackass star invited the paparazzi up to his apartment, where he was getting stinking drunk with his grossly anorexic and probably-not-gonna-make-it-as-an-actress-if-her-utter-inability-to-be-natural-on-camera-is-any-indication girlfriend. He then tells the camera man that he and Nicole Richie's relationship was entirely a PR stunt, blasts Brandon Davis for being an overall fuckwit (props for that), calls Paris Hilton a "self-made millionaire," and makes the (actually pretty dead-on) point that Lindsay Lohan and Eminem have similarly inspiring rags-to-riches stories. He mentions repeatedly that all he's ever wanted in life is to be hounded by the paparazzi. Somewhere in there he appeals to Nicole to call him, as he's lost her number and email address and would like to be friends again. His disturbingly anorexic girlfriend gropes him the whole time. "Whatever comes out of my mouth," he tells the photogs, "run it."

It's like watching a trainwreck. A beautiful, glorious, drunken trainwreck.

Closing Time

It's a slow news day. The things you might care about, before the week ends:

• Lou Diamond Phillips arrested for some good old-fashioned wife-beating. People epithets him as "Law & Order: SVU actor." It's as if Stand and Deliver never even happened...so sad...
• Fuck. Yes. Screech -- who the mainstream media begrudgingly continues to refer to as "Dustin Diamond" -- says he fought with a woman who entered his Omaha hotel room to steal video games while he was touring with a -- wait for it, just wait -- adults-only comedy show. The woman denies the charges. The news here, of course, is that we are somehow still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond.
• La Lohan finally has a stalker. According to several different reports, the stalker has done the following things: sent Lindsay flowers at her place of occasional work, and sent letters asking to meet her, providing his full name and phone number. This is fucking creepy, you guys.
• Patrick Swayze tragically reminds us he exists, valiantly comes to the rescue of his good buddy Mel Gibson by forcing us all to note that if there's anything more retarded than driving a car drunk, it is, undoubtedly, flying a Cessna drunk.
• Lark Voorhees got a parking ticket today.
• I mean, she didn't, of course, but it would totally not be news if she did. So why are we still writing pieces about Dustin Diamond?

Robin Williams Not Working Any Program Particularly Well

In the quiet, lapping wake of the notable non-success of RV, Robin Williams has "found himself drinking again," after 20 years of sobriety, but is taking "proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family," his publicist said today.

I'm going to go easy on this, because, following Mel Gibson's Jewgate, simply "finding oneself drinking again" seems like something minor overlooked, as in "I found myself substituting basil alone again, when the recipe clearly called for a full Italian spice mix." This is much more respectable behavior than "I found myself zig-zagging down PCH at two in the morning, verbally annihilating the race group of people responsible for my employment, and calling someone 'sugar tits' in earnest."

Plus, Death to Smoochie was really, really funny.

I admire his choice to admit to his relapse, I congratulate him on successfully working a program for 20 solid years -- as opposed to a certain raging Jew-hater who apparently spent most of 2001 hopping back and forth between bars and AA meetings -- and I wish him the best of luck in his courageous journey back to health.

"I'd Go Watch that Movie and Just Drink at Home"

I know it's hard to believe that anything at all got edited out of the Chaotic footage for fear of reflecting poorly on Britney, but if there's any such gem, I'd assert that this is it.

Please, please, please watch until the very end. If you stop early you'll miss the conversation on time travel.

Via Bricks and Stones.