Lindsay Lohan's Appendix Still Hasn't Worked the 12 Steps

Ladies and gentleman:

The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived.

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS CHECKED INTO REHAB.

After her latest hospitalization for an "appendectomy" failed to result in the surgical removal of her drinking problem, the starlet finally decided to check herself out of Hyde and into a facility. Lindsay has spoken of attendance at AA meetings, and has been spotted lately drinking only from a water bottle at clubs, but multiple sources confirm that those water bottles are regularly filled with vodka.

Says Lohan through her rep, "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

For what it's worth, Lindsay, good luck.

Paris Pleads Not Guilty to DUI

Well, Paris didn't, exactly, because she couldn't be bothered to appear in court. But her lawyer appeared on her behalf at an L.A. court today, and pleaded not guilty for her, to the DUI she picked up on Sept 7 of last year.

Says Lawrence Taylor, a local attorney and DUI expert, "At this point, I expect the L.A. city attorney will eventually offer her a plea bargain to a lesser charge in which she'll do no jail time, no community service, and just pay a fine."

Paris's good luck with cars continues. After running out of gas in Beverly Hills this weekend, the heiress also managed to dent her brand-new Bentley convertible when she plowed it into some garbage cans outside her house yesterday.

Keep up the good work, Par-bear!

Paula Abdul Claims She's "Never Been Drunk"

Yes. It's true. Drunkie Paula gave the following quote to Entertainment Weekly:

"Last year, when no one understood what I was saying, and even though I've never been drunk in my life, I'm accused of filling my Coca-Cola cup with alcohol. Yeah, that was really fun for me."

First off, Paula, way to remember to plug Coca-Cola even in the midst of a conversation about your alcoholism. You're a real pro.

Also, dear, if I were you, I'd cop to the drinking. Because if you're claiming you gave an interview like this sober, well, you leave the rest of us no choice but to assume you are functionally retarded. Come on, Paula? How about some information, please?

Straight up now, tell me, you don't really wanna drug yourself forever?

Oh oh oh....

Or you slur your speech 'cuz you hurt your tongue?

Straight up now, tell me, that you never touch booze or weed, not ever?

Oh oh oh...

Are you really just that dumb?

Final Thoughts on the VMAs

Because you all are clearly incapable of forming your own opinions and thus are unfailingly interested in mine.

Sarah Silverman may well be the funniest person on planet Earth. As soon as one of you finds a clip of one of her VMA bits on YouTube, send me the link please.

If we could never, ever have Amy Lee and Jared Leto standing next to one another again, I'd be fine with that. Really. In high school I could handle looking at three, maybe even four goth kids at the same time. In my twenties, two is really more than I can stomach.

I may like some of her music, but every time I hear her speak, I like P!nk less.

It's funny cuz Lil' Kim is fat now. And crazy, crazy, crazy.

You know what is not classy, All American Rejects? Stumbling up to accept your award with a glass of scotch in your hands. Passing it around stage as you slur. Amusing, yes. Classy, nuh-uh.

Jessica Simpson is packing on the pounds. Where is Ken Paves when she needs him? Is her favoritism toward him angering her other stylists? I swear they are putting her in these short dresses and then running off somewhere to watch and giggle.

Ringtone of the Year award? Like, your song is so simplistic that it carries particularly well via mobile phone? You get an award for that now?

It's cool that Panic! At the Disco (good band name. oh wait.) got the whole audience to scream "whore!" It's a shame that Paris Hilton wasn't on stage at the time. The rest of the performance was great visually, but the lead singer was so nervous I don't think he hit a single note right. Too bad cuz it's a great song.

It's nice to see Petra Nemcova so happy with James Blunt now. You know, after the whole almost-dying-in-that-one-tsunami-that-claimed-the-life-of-her-boyfriend-and-hundreds-of-thousands-of-others thing.

I'm pretty sure Britney and KFed got booed. And rightly so. That was the dumbest bit tonight. And that's saying something.

I LOVE YOU XTINA!

Oh, that "marry me marry me" song is by Jared Leto's band. Hm. I like that song. How odd. If he becomes some big famous rock star now, I just don't know how I'll reconcile that. I mean, My So-Called Life was cancelled. Everyone else in that cast got the memo.

For reals, Sarah Silverman, I would very much like to go out with you. Jimmy Kimmel's star is falling, sweetie. Mine is just beginning to rise. Get on board with a winner. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

When you, as a blogger, start quoting Meredith Grey because you can't think of anything funnier, it's time to go to bed.

Will Someone Please Do Something about Paula Abdul?

I've written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It's easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul's substance abuse problem. It's so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming "Wow, I think she's sober tonight" in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You'd think she'd have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can't keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I'm kind of sad for her, actually. I've decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon -- clearly, by nightfall, she's totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.