Matt Leinart to Reproduce

People reports that Arizona Cardinals quarterback and all-around hottie Matt Leinart has knocked up some chick he banged. Her name is Brynn Cameron. She's a 20-year-old junior at USC and the most attractive female college basketball player in the history of the world. According to People, she will "sit out the upcoming basketball season," which gives me the much-needed confidence that this girl has the sort of informed decision-making skills crucial to motherhood.

As many of you may know, Leinart has been linked romantically to songstress Paris Hilton. So I suppose the good news here is that Leinart saved his irresponsible sperm donation for some chick we don't care about, and we will not have to deal with the media frenzy that would surely surround a Paris Hilton pregnancy, culminating in the national discussion on whether or not it is appropriate for her to take a child to Hyde in an oversized Fendi bag.

(I hope you people didn't think I was being serious about the "songstress" part.)

I wish them the best; I'm sure the whole Leinart family will find as much joy in the Arizona Cardinal's Pink Taco Stadium as Matt once found in Paris's.

Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition

• Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner's adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that's where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I'm just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.



• Paris Hilton's rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I've made a chart:

  
  
  
  Are you familiar with the term "asymptote," Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman's album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is "flop." Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I'm concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
• How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.
  

Putting It All in Perspective

Notable Amazon.com album rankings from today:

1. Christina Aguilera, Back to Basics [I LOVE YOU XTINA!]
2. Danity Kane, Danity Kane [Yup, that's Diddy's all-girl group from yet another interminable cycle of Making the Band. Today, as the title says, we are putting things in perpective.]
...
7. Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way [Didn't that one lead singer chick say something mean about Texas? Or the Pope? It was something like that.]
...
10. Clay Aiken, A Thousand Different Ways [insert multiple-penetration joke here]
...
12. Justin Timberlake, FutureSex/LoveSounds [tell us again about those talentless AmIdol hacks, JT, and do it without using any spaces!]
...
24. Kidz Bop, Vol. 10
...
28. High School Musical [Amazon has Ashley Tisdale listed as the artist, but I refuse to condone that here.]
...
32. Cheetah Girls 2 Original Soundtrack [even better than the first Cheetah Girls soundtrack!]

and at #33:
Paris Hilton, Paris.

To her credit, she's been climbing this chart all day, but when your album's stalling out three times as far down as Clay Aiken on pre-order, something didn't go exactly to plan.

If it makes you feel any better, Paris, Jessica Simpson's A Public Affair promises to remain comparatively private, hanging out at the #75 position this afternoon.

There is No News Today

When is Britney due again? This is so frustrating. Items being circulated as news today:

• Paris Hilton released the album you and your best friend recorded on an 8-track when you were ten years old. Honestly, I had pretty much made up my mind that I was not going to listen to this album; I was going to hold out for weeks, at least, and possibly months; my resolve was strong and my motives were pure; and around 3:15 pm a coworker dropped it on my desk, and it was all over for me. I'll write a more thorough review later.
• No one will ever marry Brittany Murphy. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Makeover!
• Kate Hudson thinks she can just skip out on an overseas premiere of a movie nobody cares about just because she's divorcing a man nobody cares about without it being big news. And any other week, she'd be right.

PepsiCo Announces Female CEO

I know, I know, this is supposed to be a gossip blog, and I made you look at Yahoo's (plummeting) stock chart last week, and now this headline, and it's really not fair, and you're getting kind of squirmy, and, like, uugggghhhhh, but this is important, so sit down and shut up.

PepsiCo (they make Pepsi, in case you were confused, in which case don't even bother with the upcoming words) announced today that CFO Indra Nooyi will take over the CEO position from Steven Reinemund, who plans to retire; this makes PepsiCo the second-largest company based on revenue to have a female CEO (Patricia Woertz at Archer Daniels Midland leads the largest) , and puts Nooyi on a very short list of female CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, not to mention among the Fortune 100, where PepsiCo resides (interestingly enough, PepsiCo is #1 in revenues in the Food Consumer Products industry; position #2 is held by Brenda Barnes' Sara Lee). Nooyi is well respected by analysts and peers, and PepsiCo stock was up slightly with the news. Thank you, Carly Fiorina.

Okay, sorry, I know that was really really painful, so to make it up to you, Paris Hilton is still getting paparazzi mileage out of that firecrotch thing. TMZ got it on tape. Hopefully watching that can help you feel a little less dirty about knowing something about the business world today.

Wanna See a Mrs. Hilton Nip Shot?

Oh, you didn't? Speak up sooner next time...

Brace Yourself

Paris Hilton's single just came on my Pandora box. This is really happening. Hang on tight, kids.

Also, I think there's some sort of tension brewing in the middle east and -- I'm serious now -- Macauley Culkin and Mila Kunis are still dating.

I am off to cooking school for the evening! I will tell you all about it tomorrow! V. v. excited!

Paris Hilton Lacks Long-Term Vision

I woke up this morning with Paris Hilton's single running through my head. This is discouraging in and of itself, but what's worse is I spent a good portion of my morning routine thinking about the song. It's pleasantly ironic, I think, that a young woman widely regarded as America's Whore chooses to spend the entire three minutes and fifty-four seconds of her first music video writhing around half-naked on a beach singing a song -- a damn catchy song, if we're all being honest -- about how stars are blind.