Picking Up the Pieces: The Curves of Paris Hilton Edition

• Kendra Wilkinson, Hugh Hefner's adorable and beautiful girlfriend (no joke! I love her! I love all of them!), was super psyched to appear in her first rap video (okay that's where my connection with her begins to fade), but her day was ruined when Eminem poured a bottle of water all over her. I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story, but Kendra is so much fun to watch on Girls Next Door, and she seems like a genuine, sweet person, so I'm just going to link you to the email she sent to MediaTakeOut and let you draw your own conclusions.



• Paris Hilton's rookie album sells a mere 75,000 copies in its first week, and projections put it at 30,000 for next week. I've made a chart:

  
  
  
  Are you familiar with the term "asymptote," Paris? I wrote some code to calculate when, at this rate, your album would go platinum, and it slowed down processing on my computer for a solid five minutes before I stopped it. For comparison, Mrs. Jordan Bratman's album debuted this week and sold 320,000 copies. Industry-speak for this sort of thing is "flop." Nicole Richie plans to celebrate by eating the other half of that apple slice.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson? I'm concerned; I always end up rolling my eyes whenever I hear either of them speak. This could make me really dizzy.
• How cute are Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy? Sooooo cute.