Things That Didn't Happen to Anna Nicole Smith Today

Elle MacPherson hasn't gotten laid in two years. Cry me a river. [Cele|bitchy]

Hilary Duff releases the music video for "With Love." [POTP]

Kim Kardashian pretends like her sex tape still matters to anyone. [The Blemish]

Fashion Week bravely trudges forward in the wake of such tragedy. [MollyGood]

Mary-Kate Olsen is that drunken slut you always kind of knew Michelle Tanner would grow up to be. [Celebslam]

Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong are probably bumping uglies again. [Celebrity Smack]

So Much to Tell You

• Is Ivanka Trump dating Lance Armstong? Probably not, but there's video of her refusing to answer questions about him, which is kind of like dating, right?
  


• Were you totally psyched for the remake of Revenge of the Nerds? Don't be. They cast Kristin Cavallari in it. Bitch ruins everything.
  


• Britney Spears wants Annie Leibovitz to handle the publicity photos of her latest emotional crutch, Sutton Pierce.


• People who can't get into Hyde this week: Brandon Davis, Chyna, you.


• ScoJo totally had a nose job.


• It's official. The Tori Spelling demon spawn is en route. Quick! To the storm shelters!
  


• Shocker of shockers! Mel Gibson's post-arrest anti-Semitic comments were not an isolated incident.


• 90210's Jennie Garth pops out another adorable kid.

Gyllenhaal & McConaughey Not Super-Gay, Just Method Acting

There's been plenty of gossip this summer regarding the apparent love triangle between Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong. The three have been photographed together almost as frequently as they've been photographed shirtless these past few months. With that Sheryl "The Beard" Crow out of the way, we all just assumed the man-love was running rampant. Now it appears there may be a less debaucherous explanation for their behavior: both Gyllenhaal and McConaughey were up for the role of Lance Armstrong in his upcoming biopic. Gyllenhaal won out, so brace yourself for Brokeback Mountain, but this time with more Spandex.