Deep Thoughts by Michael Lohan

Remember that day back in ninth grade when all the guys came over to your garage to kick-start that jam band that was gonna be huge at Battle of the Bands this year, and you were very impressively demonstrating the three power chords your big sister's boyfriend taught you last week when your mom walked in with a plate of her sugar cookies with the cutesy icing smiley faces and exotic icing hairdos and announced that she'd made your very favorite! To share with everyone! Remember how humiliating that was?

Okay.

Now imagine that you're a 20-year-old international superstar with an (alleged) drug problem and well-known work-ethic problem, and your incarcerated, alcoholic, shoe-assault-y father has drawn a motherfucking cartoon about your estrangement from him and sent it to Lloyd Grove at the NY Daily News, who ran it immediately, and just when you think things can't get any worse, it turns out your nutcase of an absentee father thinks you still wear Uggs.

Because that's how Lindsay Lohan feels today. So call your folks right now and tell 'em you love 'em, okay?