Lindsay Lohan's Appendix Still Hasn't Worked the 12 Steps

Ladies and gentleman:

The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived.

LINDSAY LOHAN HAS CHECKED INTO REHAB.

After her latest hospitalization for an "appendectomy" failed to result in the surgical removal of her drinking problem, the starlet finally decided to check herself out of Hyde and into a facility. Lindsay has spoken of attendance at AA meetings, and has been spotted lately drinking only from a water bottle at clubs, but multiple sources confirm that those water bottles are regularly filled with vodka.

Says Lohan through her rep, "I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

For what it's worth, Lindsay, good luck.

Paula Abdul Claims She's "Never Been Drunk"

Yes. It's true. Drunkie Paula gave the following quote to Entertainment Weekly:

"Last year, when no one understood what I was saying, and even though I've never been drunk in my life, I'm accused of filling my Coca-Cola cup with alcohol. Yeah, that was really fun for me."

First off, Paula, way to remember to plug Coca-Cola even in the midst of a conversation about your alcoholism. You're a real pro.

Also, dear, if I were you, I'd cop to the drinking. Because if you're claiming you gave an interview like this sober, well, you leave the rest of us no choice but to assume you are functionally retarded. Come on, Paula? How about some information, please?

Straight up now, tell me, you don't really wanna drug yourself forever?

Oh oh oh....

Or you slur your speech 'cuz you hurt your tongue?

Straight up now, tell me, that you never touch booze or weed, not ever?

Oh oh oh...

Are you really just that dumb?

Is Lindsay Trying to Get Sober?

La Lohan set tongues a-wagging when she was photographed leaving The Ivy yesterday wearing a ninety-day sobriety chip given by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. It seems unlikely that Lohan herself has actually been sober for ninety days, seeing as how we run a story at least once daily regarding just how drunk she was the night before. Lohan's rep says the chip was a "tribute to a friend."

Lohan's ex-boyfriend, Harry Morton, is rumored to be sober, and I'm sure Lindsay had some exposure to twelve-step programs during her relationship with him. Such chips are also sometimes given as "hope chips," to people with fewer than ninety days sober, to encourage them to reach that goal. At least we now know that Lindsay has heard of AA. You have to start somewhere.

A Rough Night for Lindsay and Nicole

It's been a rough weekend for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. Late last week, Richie checked into a treatment facility to determine "why she's not been putting on any weight." We in the gossip blogging community are proud to announce that we quickly helped her doctors solve that little mystery, because Richie was out and about on Saturday night, partying with Lohan.

Whatever Richie was ingesting that night (we've ruled out food) didn't sit well with her, because she passed out at Hollywood club Hyde around 2 am on Sunday. The club manager wanted to call an ambulance, but Richie's friends insisted they would take her to a hospital themselves, carrying the celebutante out the back door.

Lohan didn't fare much better. She was spotted sitting in her car at 6:45 Sunday morning, convinced that the paparazzi tailing her were trying to hit her car. She seemed "out of it" and looked as though she'd been crying. My guess is she wasn't driving to an early-morning mass after a good night's sleep.

All this comes as News of the World releases an exclusive interview with Lohan, in which she talks about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. She discusses a night in 2004, where she feared for her life at the house of then-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama. "I felt so sick," she said. "I lay down on the bed and started getting these shooting pains. I was screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head." Regarding ex-boyfriend Harry Morton: "I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer." Ouch.

Joking aside, I hope Nicole and Lindsay become willing to take the actions they need to get healthy again. Come on, girls! Look at Courtney Love. You can still do strange, obnoxious, publicity-generating things -- and we'll still make fun of you -- just do them sober.

You Win, Nick Carter

I can't hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I've decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick's "Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show" tour is Britain's News of the World, where Carter states that Paris "was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out."

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that "if she was going overseas, she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Continues Carter: "The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is."

Keep it up, Nick. We're digging it now.

Oh Look There's Weed in Paris Hilton's Bag

Either that or she never knows when she'll need pepper flakes.

[via Horny Oyster]

Facts of Life Addresses the Marijuana Issue

I don't know where or how Defamer found this clip, but if anyone knows where I can find the Saved by the Bell episode where there's a "roach" in the boys locker room, I can die happy.

Anna Nicole's Ex Files Paternity Suit

Larry Birkhead has filed suit against Anna Nicole Smith in Los Angeles, hoping to compel the actress/model/trainwreck to return to the United States from the Bahamas so that a paternity test can be performed on her baby, Dannielynn Hope, who Birkhead claims to have fathered. Smith claims her baby daddy is her longtime attorney, Howard K. Stern.

Papers from the lawsuit are sealed, but rumor has it they contain an array of disturbing allegations against Anna Nicole, including that she has been taking methadone, a habit facilitated by Stern. Smith's 20-year-old son, Daniel, died last month of a drug overdose involving methadone.

Birkhead has alleged for months that Anna Nicole moved to the Bahamas in order to avoid a paternity suit by Birkhead and to avoid being tested for drug use.

I guess we'll just hang tight until someone leaks the court documents.

It Is Possible George Michael Has Some Manner of Drug Problem

I was so excited to run this with the headline "George Michael's Double Whammy," but E! Online got to it first. Damn.

I'd rather not be so harsh as to say "George Michael was found intoxicated and passed out at the wheel of his car for the second time in eight months." Instead, let's look at it as "George Michael was found intoxicated and passed out at the wheel of his car for the first time since February!" Because eight months is an admirable length of time to stay conscious at the wheel when you drink and drive like he does. Michael was arrested early Sunday morning in London on suspicion of drug possession, after being awoken, of course.

His partner, Kenny Goss, said "He's fine and I've got him a McDonalds," from which we can conclude only that Goss himself was still drunk at the time of the interview. Best of luck to Michael and Goss, and to the entire city of London. And, E! Online, I call dibs on the "Triple Whammy" headline in May.

(Hey Tiffy -- it's not quite the coke arrest we were hoping for, but I think we can say our prayers were answered.)

Someone Might Want to Update The 12 Traditions

"We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."

They should probably try to get blogs in there for the next edition.

An observant blogger realizes that Nicole Richie was photographed leaving the West Hollywood Recovery Center as a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting was ending. Maybe she never had an eating disorder after all.

Update: I thought about this more, and the only CMA/AA meetings on a Wednesday (when these photos were taken) end at 8 pm, and there's no way it was this bright out at 8 pm this late in September. I live in this city. Still, the WHRC is most definitely a 12-step center.

Lunchtime Quickies: Nick Carter Would Like You to Hate Paris Hilton, Watch His Television Program

• God bless the British press. They've got a pic of cocaine in its natural habitat -- the inside of Kate Moss's nose.


• If the standard blow-up doll isn't doing the trick anymore, you can bid on an actual Fembot on eBay.


• Nick Carter: "Paris Hilton is a psychotic evil whore blah blah blah blah hey by the way I have a television show coming out."


• Jamie Pressly gets engaged and Kate Hudson files for divorce.


• Do you want a George W. Bush butt plug? Perhaps for use in conjunction with your Fembot? Okay, okay. Just promise you'll think about it.


• ABC's website has a clip of the Terri Irwin interview that will air on 20/20 tonight.


• I can't believe I am linking to Perez Hilton just because I agree with his taste, but I am. Regina Spektor rocks, and when you're done listening to the new Killers album, you should check her out.


• Lost star Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje ayddibug ukilolopoti yi Abptu daka-daka shrekpiti.

Liquid Cocaine (and it's legal!)

Redux Beverages in Las Vegas debuted its new beverage at NYC Fashion Week this week: "Cocaine."

The beverage, targeted at party-goers (really? why?), is supposedly 3.5x stronger than Red Bull (its inventor, Jamey Kirby, says it is "350 percent stronger," because, you know, that sounds like more), and -- get this -- has a secret ingredient to imitate the mouth- and throat-numbing properties of actual cocaine.

Their website looks pretty low-budg, which is fine, because you don't really need a complicated marketing strategy when you've named your product after the hippest life-destroying addictive illegal drug on the market. You know everyone at Hansens is slapping their foreheads this week. "Fuck, dude, what were we thinking? Monster? Shit."

I think we're seeing a resurgence in the marketing-by-controversy approach, between this and Survivor: Racist. I hold Ann Coulter single-handedly responsible.

Afternoon Delight: Teri Hatcher Has Not Been Getting Enough Media Attention This Week

• Eminem's trying to work out the details of his divorce from Kim Mathers. Again.



• Scarlett Johansson loves being curvy, and she doesn't want to change a thing about herself. Which is totally fine, but it would be nice if she could change the character she plays every once in awhile.
  


• Teri Hatcher has very expensive THO. According to the Desperate Housewives star, during the show's first season, the producers spent thousands of dollars digitally erasing her nipples. For the love of Christ, will someone please run her picture this week? Next thing you know, she'll be running to the press with some story about how she was sexually molested as a child. What's that? Oh.
  


• "The One Where Joey Represents Himself in Divorce Proceedings with His Estranged Wife"
  
  
• Wait, what? Drugs might be involved in the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son? Surely you jest.
  

Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Mom to Go to Hell

If you can believe it, all is not well in the Lohan household.

On Thursday night, La Lohan met up with her mother, Dina, at an NYC restaurant to celebrate her mom's birthday. By the time Lindsay arrived, Dina and four friends were already pretty smashed, and by the end of the first course, Lindsay and Dina were cussing at one another. Lindsay told her mother to "go to hell" and left the restaurant for the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, and later closed down B8.

Her mother stayed at the restaurant, crying and text-messaging furiously for the next 45 minutes, and apparently made five trips to the bathroom, coming back sniffling each time. Sound like anyone you know? The waiters had to help her out of the restaurant four hours later, after she'd paid the $2000 bill without tipping.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. On the surface, it must seem really fun to have a mother who's every bit as much of an alcoholic and cokehead as yourself, but deeper down I can see how it might feel dysfunctional, unstable and petrifying.

"jason wahler arrested cocaine"

I've had approximately one billion hits with this search term, or a variation upon it, today. So okay.

Yes, Jason Wahler was arrested in NYC on September 1, a little past 4 am, and charged with 3 counts of bribery, criminal possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

So, um, here's what I assume happened:

1) LC's ex-love bumped a few lines (of cocaine. Yes, people. Probably of cocaine. Are you happy now?)
2) He did some stupid shit. (Jason Wahler? You're kidding me.)
3) The cops got involved.
4) The cops suspected and then confirmed that drugs were involved.
5) The words "Don't you know who I am?" were spoken. Probably by both parties.
6) A bribe was offered. Thrice.
7) All bribes were rejected, Jason was arrested.

Update: Oops...He Did It Again!

Odds and Ends: And Just When You Were Jonesing for a Dana Plato Update

Because if I can't blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.

• David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I'm setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
  
• Sean "Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy" Combs has to ditch the "Diddy" in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
  
• Dana Plato's son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff'rent Strokes star's former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
• Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I'm pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
  
• For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan's stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.
  

Kirsten Dunst Has Something to Say about That

As long as we're on the topic of people who've hooked up with Brad Pitt...

Kirsten Dunst put the coke back in her inhaler for long enough to talk to Britain's News of the World about how lucky she is that she doesn't do coke.

Seriously.

Listen to some choice quotes:

• "Jake and I couldn't last. He's a stay-at-home boy and I'm an out-on-the-town girl. We tried to spice things up — we had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn't have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught."

• "Jake was the love of my life. He was, is and always will be. Despite what has happened, though, I still have this whole fairytale vision in my head because I was brought up on movies and storybooks that say I'm going to find my soulmate, get married and have a perfect life. Maybe one day that will be with Jake. Maybe I'm a weird girl and I just needed a good freak to match me."
  

• Regarding the filming of her lastest movie, Marie Antoinette: "After filming I'd just go home and pass out. I'd have a glass of champagne, which I would never normally do. I mean, who drinks champagne before they go to bed?"
  

• "When I came off set it would be like a weight had lifted off my chest. You know, I'm lucky I'm not at some bar at night doing coke because I was so messed up."

You know, Shakespeare had a quote about this sort of thing. Something about "doth" and "protesting." I can't quite recall the details. But either this Marie Antoinette movie is a real snoozer, or that Kirsten had a little help in getting her tongue untied, if ya know what I mean.

"It's Like, Yeah, Motherfucker, My Bag's Fine"

Ugh. I am, like, soooo late on the draw with this one. So a recap.

Lindsay Lohan's Birkin was stolen at Heathrow airport, which was, like, recently the target of some manner of foiled terrorist plot, so it's nice to see they've really driven security into high gear over there. Lindsay cried because if there's anything that sucks worse than losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and your asthma inhaler, it's losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and the rest of your cocaine. You'd cry, too.

Don't panic yet, folks; the bag was recently found in a parking lot near Heathrow, after whoever stole it realized that it's a lot harder to sell jewelry and a handbag on the black market when everyone in the nearest 19 countries knows you stole them from Lindsay Lohan this morning. But you know what tastes the same in every language? Yeah. Don't count on getting that "inhaler" back, Linds.

You Asked for It: The Guys from Laguna Beach May Occasionally Hit Things Other Than Kristin Cavalleri's Vagina Edition

Every day I get such a kick at looking at the search terms that guide you people to this site. I always feel a little bad when you end up here searching for something I don't offer. So in an attempt to remedy this (and because I think it's funny), I am going to start a semi-regular segment in which I address these search terms and attempt to provide the appropriate content. So here are some of my recent favorites:

stephen colletti shirtless

Judging from these samples, it's not a real shocker that the Internet doesn't abound with such monstrosities. A distended belly and what looks like the beginnings of eczema. You sure were lucky to score that shit, Kristin. You're so pretty. Search tip: using quotation marks in Google -- "stephen colletti shirtless" -- produces better results.

Lark Voorhees pics

More than one of you has shown up here using these terms. I am sad for you. But I couldn't figure out why you didn't just click the images tab in Google, until I tried to do it myself. Here's a hint for all of us: spell it "Voorhies," because, you know, it turns out that's how she does.

Stephen Colletti bong

Here's a beer bong, it's the best I can do. I can, however, pretty much assure you that Stephen Colletti smokes weed. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is it? Okay then.

Jason Wahler break up cocaine

You're awfully specific, aren't you? I've actually had quite a number of you show up here via some combination of "Jason Wahler" and "cocaine." Well, Jason Wahler did break up with Lauren Conrad (or was it the other way around? Hm. I guess we'll find out next season.) Does Jason Wahler do cocaine? Hm. Now I don't want to go around all allege-y and whatnot, but if you all typed it into Google, perhaps you know something that I won't print.

"white wife"

I hear they have them in Russia, dude.