Gunning for Perez

If I'm understanding this correctly, Perez Hilton, whose gossip website received nearly 4 million unique visitors on Wednesday (thanks in no small part to Brit's vagina -- his normal numbers are closer to 2-3 million), is facing TWO separate legal actions for the unlawful use of photographs.

FIRST:

Perez may be sued by the seven top paparazzi agencies in the United States. Perez received a cease-and-desist letter dated Nov 29, representing an unprecendented cooperation by these agencies (Splash News, INF, Ramey, Bauer Griffin, WENN, Most Wanted and Flynet), which basically tells him to account for all photographs he's run since Dec 1, 2003, pay retroactive license fees for them, and agree to pay future license fees for his images. Otherwise, he'll face a lawsuit for damages.

SECOND:

Paparazzi agency X17 is done sending the cease-and-desists; they're suing Perez for $7.5M in damages. Says Perez: "I have yet to be personally served with this lawsuit. My lawyers and I will address the situation when we have the opportunity to review the materials."

It's possible I'm missing something here, and these are all part of the same legal action, so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

But now, my thoughts:

1) The X17 people are assholes. They disabled the "Copy Image" functionality on their website awhile ago, so bloggers cannot use their images. (We can still do a Print Screen, assholes.) On the other hand, the Splash News people (who I adore) will allow anyone to use their images if you include their watermark or a link to their site.

2) Perez Hilton's an asshole. We all use copyrighted images without paying for them, but we pull images or source them upon request. Done and done. It's really very simple. But Perez is an asshole from any angle. He has an endearing manner of using a very sophisticated graphics software (Microsoft Paint) to draw lovely representations of what one must assume is semen and cocaine on the faces of ALL the photos he uses (except when they star him), so they're essentially unusable by those of us who choose to maintain some manner of maturity and decorum on our sites (yeah, I just implied we maintain maturity and decorum around here, so suck it).

3) This is kind of the end of a Golden Era for bloggers. As much as I wouldn't mind seeing Perez knocked a few rungs down off his smug little celeb-outting perch, when he (inevitably) loses these suits, it may be just a matter of time before these agencies track down the rest of us and demand we pay license fees. And then gossip blogs will suck and it will be much harder to find Britney's vagina on the Internet at any given point in time (kudos to those of you who thought to use the Google cache when this site was 502ing...and there were lots of you who did).

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

Links for the 8 of You Who Can Access This Site Tonight

Jennifer Lopez is turning to Scientologist pal Leah Remini for tips on how the religion can help her get knocked up. Does Xenu recommend you have a three-man camera crew from VH1 living in your house throughout the process, Leah? [I'm Not Obsessed]

Look, MTV, when you've resorted to The Real World: Denver, you can't exactly expect viewership to soar. Up next: Road Rules: Presidential Libraries. [Pop on the Pop]

Tony Parker caves. [Celebrity Smack]

It is a distant possibility that Nicky Hilton is not particularly involved in the, you know, actual work behind her new line of boutique hotels. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney's first (55-hour) husband happily cashes in on her recent media prominence, reveals she had a tummy tuck. "No duh," say six-year-olds nationwide. [Cele|Bitchy]

Pink wears underwear. Unlike some people. [TMZ]

Wanna Party With Some Douchebags in New York?

Here in New York we have a phenomenon that I like to call, "douchebag post-grad party boys." They are boys who get paid to much to push money around and they haunt all of the "hot spots" of New York almost every night of the week. They are rarely very attractive and oftentimes are quite aggressive with any girl that they think they can bring home for the evening. I guess somebody thought that it would be cool to follow some of them around to learn about how these party boys roll.

Wanna check it out the video that has everyone buzzing in New York? Click here.

Here are some highlights for you of how these doucebags roll...these are direct quotes.

"I got big expectations, I'm trying to do big things tonight."

"Whatever you do, don't pick a girl up until at least 2 am."

"Here's to living single, seeing double, threesomes, foreplay, 5 of a kind, six packs, seven days a week, New York."

This kind of lame makes me want to move.

Barack Obama and Ludacris: Together at Last

The world deserves a break from Britney Spears' vagina, and what could possibly be more removed from that than a 2008 presidential candidate and a rapper?

Obama, now in the early stages of what will almost certainly be a bid for the 2008 Democratic ticket, met privately with rapper Ludacris on Wednesday in Chicago. Says Luda: "We talked about empowering the youth."

CNN amusingly points out that both have won Grammy awards: Obama for spoken-word readings from his memoir, Dreams from My Father (and you will be hearing a lot more about his father as his candidacy progresses), and Ludacris for his verse on "Yeah!".

Luda said meeting with Obama was like meeting with a relative. Obama declined to comment after the meeting.

I'd say this is evidence of Obama's early efforts to score the Black vote, but, um, yeah.

You're in New York. Go in Style.

Beet readers and those fascinated by Britney Spear's vagina if you are in New York in the next few weeks and find yourself needing to use the toilet have no fear. Charmin has set up shop in a storefront formally occupied by Barcode. Remember the episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie went on the date to in Times Square where they played video games...it is that place. Each of the 20 restrooms is cleaned after every use. It is a holiday promotion which really is quite smart. Other than Starbucks, New York is a wasteland of restrooms. If you have to pee in New York you usually have to sneak into a hotel or restaurant. There is much fanfare to this public toilet experiment. You can even get your picture taken with the Charmin Bear! The website is too funny. They have a map where you can see how many visitors from different countries have visited the Charmin restrooms. They have had 2 visitors from Madagascar who must have been very confused at the whole idea of an entire storefront being devoted to the excitement of pooping.
The Naked Cowboy wrote a song about this holiday extravaganza and obviously, it is on You Tube. Here you go. Please watch this because you can see how random this whole toilet thing is. I haven't gone yet but Monday I work in Times Square and you better believe I'm getting my picture taken with the bear.

Did Britney's Vagina Break Google?

From Blogger's status blog:

Thursday, November 30, 2006
We are currently investigating the intermittent 502 error pages on the new version of Blogger in beta and its Blog*Spot blogs. If you experience one of these errors, waiting a minute or so and refreshing may help.

I've talked to a few other gossip bloggers, all of whom are experiencing insane levels of traffic from people searching for Britney's vagina. At Evil Beet yesterday we experienced traffic at more than ten times our normal level. Today we're on track for that to be twenty times. I wonder if this sudden traffic surge is impacting Google's Blogger servers. Man, I hope so. I hope Britney's vagina broke Google.

Related: sorry for the 502 errors. It's not my fault! If you try to load the site and it won't come up, try again in a few minutes. Thanks for reading! (Or, um, looking, as is the case for most of you.)

I Guess Paris and Stavros Are Still Doin' It

This is so bizarre. Paris Hilton is pictured above with a locket that has a picture of Stavros her on again/off again "boyfriend." Here is a video, via x17Online.com where you can almost audibly hear Paris say, "Get your hot ass over to The Grove right now!" Hollywood has now gone from being like high school to being middle school. How sweet that Paris celebrates her favorite booty call with a sweet picture in a locket. By sweet I mean lame. Remember back in the day when Paris was going to marry that other Greek shipping heir and be a housewife?

Minorities of the World, Unite! (Are the French a minority?)

This just in.

Tony Parker of the San Antonio NBA Basketball Spurs and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria are officially engaged. No more simply knocking boots for the two of them, they are making a firm commitment to be legal in Texas by the summer of 2007.

Frankly, I don't have much to say about either of them. The Spurs are a really boring team and Tony is French. I heard on FOX that I'm supposed to frown upon the French.

As for her, I stopped watching Desperate Housewives because it started going hella hokey. She was decent in the film no one ever saw, Harsh Times.

So there you have it. I suppose I could mention that she is seven years older than him if you ladies want to hoot, or alternatively, holler. Go nuts.

Lindsay Lohan Trying to Get Sober

It's possible we bloggers might have to find someone else to fill our column inches in the near future, as Page Six reports that Lindsay Lohan has begun attending AA meetings. This should come as a surprise to no one, as Lindsay's former boyfriend, Harry Morton, is sober, and she was spotted wearing a 90-day sobriety chip at the Ivy, and, most recently, issued a statement on the death of Robert Altman littered with AA jargon.

According to Page Six, a "spy" reported seeing her yesterday at an early morning AA meeting near her apartment. As a gossip blogger, I love this, but as a person, I think this "spy" is a total asshole. Lindsay should have the opportunity to get sober anonymously, just like anyone else in a 12-step program, and it's heartbreaking that she was betrayed by someone from a meeting. (Yeah, I know, that's not stopping me from running this article). A Lohan friend confirmed: "She has attended several meetings and has hopefully decided to turn her life around - this time for good. She is out of control."

I'm excited for Lindsay that all the Courtney Love chanting is paying off, and I truly hope she can manage to get herself clean and sober, and get her life back on track. We gossip bloggers don't really need her anymore, now that we have Britney Spears on the scene.

Bigots of the World, Unite!

Entertainment Weekly has pulled an interview with Mr. Mel Gibson (his own self).

Overall the interview is well done and somewhat thoughtful. I'd never claim Mel isn't smart, I'd just claim that clearly he should lay off the fire water. Here are a few of the choice bits though:

Do you feel you've done enough apologizing for your anti-Semitic remarks?
"Those were the ravings of an inebriated, angry person. I don't know. I think publicly I have done enough."

Hey, newsflash, that person was you. You are angry, were inebriated, raved. I'm sick of people saying "It was the anger talking." That anger is you fella, take responsibility and say "I'm an angry guy and that's something I battle with." Who is this third person you speak of?

People won't really refuse to work with you?
"No, people aren't like that. Those are just headlines: Mel Ostracized by Hollywood! Hollywood is what you make it."

I can tell you based on my experience in the industry that most people don't take moral stands. If Mel had come out the next day and said "I believe my statements were correct," he'd still have work. He owns a production company for God's sake, he has an Oscar. There is one thing Hollywood values above your personal life and views. Money. Cold hard cash, and Mel has a history of delivering it. Thus, short of raping a goat in front of the Hollywood sign, someone will always want to work with him, no matter the religious affiliation.

Here's some sympathy from Mel:

"I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress."

He should feel bad for Richards. Richards is proper fucked, unlike Mel. Why? He hasn't delivered the money in eight years, and even then it was with an ensemble. Now producers can take a moral stand because it's fiscally prudent (channeling George Bush I). I now return you to typical Hollywood softball mumbo-jumbo:

Can you teach anybody to act?
"Yeah. It's about breathing."

For the record I have no problem separating the art from the artist. Bad people make great films sometimes, sweethearts can make stinkbombs. Braveheart was a great film. But you should be aware that Apocalypto is not a good film. Uber not-goodness. What it is an extremely heavy handed metaphor wrapped up in a very weak story. Boring, silly, pointless. Other than that I loved it. Make sure you see it.

Britney Spears' Vagina is a Problem

Quick note from the Beet: I apologize for the incredibly slow load times lately. We're seeing unprecedented levels of traffic, thanks to the whole freakin' world searching for pictures of Britney Spears' vagina. Unfortunately, they're not our servers (but thank you, Google, for letting us use yours for free), so there's not a whole lot we can do. Hang in there, and I'm sure traffic (and load times) will be back to normal once someone who plays sports does something interesting.

Update: For those of you who have shown up here looking for these pictures, they are here and here. Enjoy! Tell your friends! Masturbate! Vomit! Sigh...

Human Rights Organizations Want a Say in Madonna Adoption

Poor Madonna! First her NBC concert special flopped big time (seriously, it was outperformed by Fox's airing of Cheaper by the Dozen), and now everyone and their brother wants a say in her adoption of David Banda. On Wednesday, a Malawian judge ruled in favor of a coalition of 67 Malawian human rights and child advocacy groups who want to be party to the assessment of her fitness as a mother.

Madonna stirred up some local controversy when she took Banda to England soon after filing for adoption, when Malawi regulations require that prospective parents undergo an 18- to 24-month assessment in the country.

"I must stress that all along we have not been against the adoption but we only wanted Malawi's adoption laws clarified and followed to the letter," said one of the petitioners, a Malawian lawyer and human rights activist. "Today's ruling gives us the opportunity to clear (up) some gray areas surrounding adoption laws in Malawi."

At first glance, the implication of this seems crazy: how could this kid possibly be better off in a Malawi orphanage than living as Madonna's son? But the human rights activists want to protect the process of adoption in their country; if these rules can be circumvented by Madonna, they reason, they can be circumvented by pedophiles and human traffickers. It's an argument that makes sense, and I'm siding with the human rights folks on this one.

I'm sure this is hell for Madonna, though. I once took my cat, Max, who I found as a stray, to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet found a little chip implanted in him that said he belonged to a different owner. She had to call the owner, and she told me my cat would have to be returned if his original owner wanted him. It took about 20 minutes to get ahold of the owner, who had lost the cat long ago and already replaced him, but I spent all 20 of those minutes crying and being generally inconsolable. It's a stupid example, I know, but I can't even imagine the hell it would be to have to go through this with a child. Especially since the government's first assessment of her fitness as a mother isn't scheduled until next May. Hopefully this will work out satisfactorily for all parties, and we can return our attention to more interesting matters, like where Britney Spears will next treat us all to a look at her hairless goodies.

Picking up the Pieces

Things that happened today without any involvement on the part of Britney Spears' vagina:

American Idol fourth-placer Chris Daughtrey's album debuts at #2 on the U.S. charts. [Perez Hilton]

Check out Beyonce's new video for "Listen," from the Dreamgirls soundtrack. [popbytes]

Kevin Federline has a thing for women who like the whole world to see their naughty bits. Isn't that right, Kendra Jade? [Pop on the Pop]

Josh Hartnett's mystery girl revealed: she's Amber Sainsbury, who did some show called Hex for 11 episodes in 2004 and is currently co-starring with Hartnett in 30 Days of Night. Also: she's not as pretty as Josh, which is how I reckon he prefers it. [BWE]

Nick Lachey bought a minor-league baseball team this week. What did you do? [ICYDK]

Matt Lauer named his newborn son Thijs. Pronounced "Tice." I am supposed to say something mean here (preferably referencing the unfortunately named Paltrow offspring) but I have a fabulous friend at school named Tejs (pronounced similarly), so out of respect for the fact that he did my finance homework all quarter, I just have this to say: Way to name a kid, Lauer! [Cele|Bitchy]

Danny Devito Goes Crazy on 'The View'

Here is the weirdest interview I've seen in a while on daytime.

Click here to see Danny Devito sit on Rosie's lap like the little elf he is. I guess he also doesn't like George Bush. But really, who does these days?

Update: What I forgot to mention is that he is wasted. Perez has a funny take on Devito's rantings. Why is it funnier when a little person is drunk?

Britney Spears Does Something Flighty and Irresponsible

Is there trouble is Paris-dise for Britney Spears? After being total BFF for a full five days (which may be some sort of record for Paris), the two were partying separately last night, with Britney treating the world to another unrequested glimpse of her hoo-hoo at a Malibu gas station (class-ay), and Paris hitting up a Volkswagen rager with Nicole Richie.

On Monday, Paris said about Britney, “I love her. She is the sweetest girl I know. She’s so down-to-earth. I just want her to smile and be happy.” Fox had hoped to ride along on their publicity train (and Paris owes them big time, after her feud with Richie cost them a final season of The Simple Life), planning to have Spears and Hilton co-host the Fox Billboard Music Awards, scheduled to air December 4. Page Six referred to the dual hosts as a "black hole of stupidity." But, alas, Las Vegas may be spared the stunning gravitational implosion of dumb, as Britney pulled out of negotiations at the eleventh hour, failing to give a reason.

Things have not been looking good for Miss Britney lately. After the entire nation acted as her cheering squad when she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, Brit has squandered nearly all that goodwill in just a few short weeks with an undending series of drunken evenings, allowing the paparazzi to get candids of her lady parts three times in one week, and missing scheduled recording sessions.

The Billboard Awards may have Hilton host solo, or may ask comedian Brad Garrett to take on the challenge.

Brit, This is Just Sad. Please Stop.

At a Malibu gas station last night. Kevin Federline is looking like the responsible one now. Does she even know this is happening? Has anyone mentioned to her that her vagina is on the Internet every single day now? This is the third time in a week! Also, something tells me this girl really shouldn't have been driving. This is so sad. BRIT! We were so excited for you!!! We were so hopeful! National goodwill was nearly 100% on your side. You could have done anything with it. But you did this. Why, Britney? Why?

Fur is Fun?

I used to live in Virginia, pretty close to the PETA HQ. I found them to be kind of freaky, because frankly I find zealots of every stripe to be kind of freaky. Plus my blood thirsty desire for filet mignon was in direct opposition to their desire for me to subsist on a diet of sorghum and wheat germ. So I figured we'd agree to disagree there.

But now they are going after an issue close to Beet territory, women, and the clothing of said women. They've named their worst dressed list, and of course it's all about who is wearing fur. Four ladies take the bullet: Nicole Richie, Ashley Olsen, Christina Ricci, and Eva Longoria. All are chastised for being uncaring little animal killers.

I guess the thing that bothers me is trying to dictate others behavior due to your own personal beliefs. There are things I do that I simply wouldn't expect of others. For instance, if a spider is in my home I do my best to a) ignore it or b) place it gently outside my home. This is simply because spiders kill other insects which I may like even worse. Now I know some people hate spiders and immediately throw a hardcover book on them. I'm totally cool with that, live and let die and all that. So I just feel like if I say "Ok, don't kill the Minks" (who are, it must be said, vicious little animals) then next people will be trying to take my Mountain Dew Code Red Extreme SportZ Edition because it's too eXtreme or sporty for their liking. You get my point, and that's why I'm calling PETA dumb here.

EvilB or EviltT, if you'd like to tell me why fur is murder and perhaps do the whole "I'd rather be naked thing" I will watch respectfully, promise.

Lohan Explains Everything

Okay, I'll bite, an explanation for why good ol' Linday is care free when it comes to her naughty bits. Quoth the LL:

"I don't want to put myself in the position where I'm in a monogamous relationship right now. I'm not dating just one person. Sex and the City changed everything for me because those girls would sleep with so many people."

Huh. I guess we can all be glad for entertainment's sake that she didn't watch Jeopardy growing up.

Still, I look at that photo and remember fondly the days when I found fire bottom to be super foxy. I want those days back. I want my innocence back.

Welcome to the Black Hole of Stupidity

Via Page Six this morning,

"In a move that may cause a black hole of stupidity to implode in the middle of Las Vegas, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been tapped to co-host the Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Monday. The two "flashionistas" - who have recently given glimpses of their bare, well-groomed nether regions as they hang out with pal Lindsay Lohan - won't perform any musical numbers."

Some journalist was getting creative this morning. I love, that in the world of gossip news, "black hole of stupidity" is an acceptable phrase. Also..."flashonistas?"...brilliant! I do believe that this is the signal of the end of Britney's "comeback." Paris Hilton will get you in the papers but for all the wrong reasons. And by all the wrong reasons, I mean , vagina.

If Loving Studio 60 is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right

Just got through watching Monday night's episode on my TiVo. For all the shit I give Sorkin for the sketches not being funny (they're still not), the rest of the show is so, so wonderful. It's not quite the early seasons of The West Wing, but it's the closest thing that's been on television since. If you're not tuning in, you should be. Some observations from tonight:

a) Jordan McDeere is my love.
2) Martha O'Dell is totally Maureen Dowd (who is also my love).

That is all.

Late-Night Links

Christina Aguilera does a little drinkin' herself. [Perez Hilton]

I've lost track of how many times Snoop Dogg's been arrested this year. But add one. [TMZ]

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler take a break from hating one another to get dinner at Mr. Chow's. [Pop on the Pop]

Milla Jovovich? Still hot. [CelebSlam]

Gasp! One of the Gotti kids got arrested. [DListed]

Cameron Diaz can't marry Justin Timberlake because she's "commitment-phobic." And certainly not because he hasn't proposed. [HollyScoop]

Lindsay Lohan is in movies? Huh. [Pajiba]

Just for the record, I was into Regina Spektor before anybody. This song was on my MySpace page like a hundred years ago. Just so everyone knows. [BWE]

Nicole Richie is Awesome

I love it when celebrities totally turn the tables and use the media for their own advantage. MySpace has allowed them to issue weird publicity statements without the need of publicists sometimes with positive (see below) and negative (Travis Barker's weird ranting) results.

Here is one of the most amazing MySpace posts by a celebrity yet! Nicole Richie, welcome to health. Rachel Zoe, go fade away into obscurity and eat a sandwich.

"X-RAY
BLIND ITEM:
What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist?
HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup..."

It is down off her blog now because someone probably warned her getting sued by meth face Zoe. Also, poor girl has some spelling issues. Still, in the world of celebrity MySpace posts this is in my top 10.

[source]

Now There are New TomKat Wedding Photos, Too

Which is primarily responsible for the vague sense of nausea you've had since you woke up this morning?

a) These recently released TomKat wedding photos (they'll run in the December 5 Hello magazine)

b) The new Britney Spears va-jay-jay explosion?

c) The six vodka sodas you drank last night. And the pregnancy.

Thanks to MollyGood for the heads-up.

Stupid Headlines 101

This just makes me mad. The headline reads "Beyonce Enjoyed Working on Dreamgirls." Really? No joke? It wasn't hell on Earth? Director Bill Condon never once tried to rape her?

I could see if this was coming from some lam-o source like E! but this is AP syndicating to YahooNews. This is the best you can do? Also, FYI Beyonce would like to do more movies. You heard it here second.

Tracy Morgan: The Other Drunk Driver

It's fitting that Tracy Morgan should choose this particular week to rack up his second DUI in a year. I had two favorite Tracy Morgan sketches on SNL. The first was that whole "I'm Tracy Morgan: the other black guy" thing. The second was that homeless Woodrow character who brought Britney Spears to his underground lair and sang to her. At this point, for the safety of society as a whole, we may just want to hide both of them in a sewer for at least the next year or so. Since Morgan is currently on probation from a DUI arrest last December, he may be hidden in a jail cell for a little while, courtesy of the state of California. The CA legislature is still debating what the hell to do about Britney.

Um...There Were More Britney Crotch Shots...

Sorry for the vaginas on the front page, but, um, wow. Just wow. HEL-LO VAGINA!

Update: Pictures censored now. Click on the photos for the uncensored version.

Heath Ledger Done Sowing Wild Oats

It's in the news that Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams are tying the knot.

I know what he's thinking. Eh, she had my kid and she's still kind of hot so why not? Plus her status as a Dawson's Creeker means he's down to her or Josh Jackson if he wants to be Tom Cruise.

If you think I'm making a BrokeMountain joke you're crazy. Those were played out about four minutes after the film came out.

Late-Night Links

Mary Kate and Ashley appear on The Today Show to give their first interview in two and a half years. They both appear sober and talk mostly about their careers. Yawn. [MollyGood]

Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his tux at his own wedding. Is this some wacky Scientology tradition? Nope. He just wouldn't fit in his Armani suit otherwise. [Spank Cheeks]

Rachel Bilson accomplishes the previously unheard-of feat of simultaneously being adorable and at Hyde. [Yeeeah!]

Oh please, please, let there be a Jessica Simpson sex tape. [Egotastic]

"This Scarf is Heavy," by Paris Hilton. [The Gilded Moose]

I am going to mention Hansen without mentioning "Horseface," just this once, because they're being nice to Africa. [Agent Bedhead]

Nicole Richie does her best Hamburgler. [Dirty Laundry]

Hillary Gets New Chompers

Hillary Duff finally got her horse teeth fixed. According to "Life and Style,

“The length of each veneer was a little too long, and the width of the smile was too wide,” Dr. Michael Apa, dentist to the stars and Elite Model Management consultant, says of Hil’s smile, which cost the star at least $15,000. The work was meant to improve her smile, but “it made her look goofy, like she was bucktoothed. She probably had her teeth recontoured or reshaped to fit her smile,” says Apa of Hil’s smaller, narrower smile. “Now you look at her cute smile rather than focusing on her large teeth. She looks much prettier!”

Thank the lord. This orthodontist should be placed in the same plastic surgery jail as the hack that did Tara Reid's boobs. Honestly, with all of the money these celebrities have how do they keep getting bad teeth/boob/nose/face jobs.

Hopefully these new chompers will land her a hot new mad since she is a single girl now.

Britney's Middle School Masterpiece: Decoded

As a special service to you, my fine readers, I have taken upon myself the task of reading Britney Spears' middle-school essay on the ancient Greek tragedy of Antigone (pronounced "An-tih-guh-nee"), which goes on the auction block at Christie's next month. I have also volunteered to note the spelling, punctuation and/or grammar mistakes her teacher missed. Also, for those of you who were supposed to read Antigone for class this week, you can save the money for the Cliff Notes. Brit sums most of it up quite nicely.

Antigone is about a girl who loses her brother during a war. She wants to bury them [sic], but the new king, Creon, will not allow it, and who shall ever do so shall be killed. Antigone wants her brother buried, because she wants him to be able to be in the heaven of ghost. So she goes out and buries him. There was a roomer [sic] about her burying her brother, so the gaurds [sic] keep a good look out. Finally, they catch her. They take her to the king. The king's son is suppose [sic] to marry her. The son begs his father to have mercy, but nothing stops him. He puts her in a chamber. A [sic] advisor comes along and warns him that the God [sic] are angry with him. He get's [sic] scared so he lets her go. [Ed: apparently this didn't actually happen in the play]. When they go to the chamber, they find her dead, because of suicide. Her soon to be [sic] husband kills himself, because he can't stand the thought ->

Wanna know the rest? Put in a bid on Christie's. It's estimated to go for $500-700. Or, you know, read the play.

Hilary Duff and Joel Madden Enter Dunzville

Today is the best day of Maksim Miakovsky's life. He's just hopping around his prison cell with glee. Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden guest DJ'd at a Chicago club on Wednesday, and announced that he was now single. Apparently Duff broke up with him earlier in the month, citing the eight-year age difference.

Duff spoke not too long ago about how the paparazzi help her and Madden end fights. "If we're out some place, we could totally be fighting," she said, "but we'll be looking at each other (smiling) because there's a camera right there. Then we end up forgetting we're in a fight, because we're laughing since it's not a real thing to do, and we're both such real people."

Apparently these fool-proof relationship-salvaging tactics eventually fell a bit short. Too bad! I can't wait to see who Hilary dates next. Is Aaron Carter still available? Ooh, that would be fun.

Menage a Trois!

Paris and Lindsay can never stay mad at each other, and it seems now Britney Spears has been drawn into this love/hate relationship. It wasn't too long ago that Lindsay Lohan was caught on camera calling Paris Hilton a cunt. On Wednesday night, Lindsay pulled up to Hollywood hotspot Teddy's -- where Britney and Paris were partying inside -- with Kevin Federline's CD blasting in her car, and announced that she thought K-Fed was sexy and might be interested in "hooking up with him." (Britney was overheard later saying "Tell her please, seriously, take him!") Then, on Sunday, L2 told paparazzi that Paris Hilton had hit her with a drink at a party on Saturday night (watch the video).

The natural conclusion to all this is, of course, the three girls partying together on Sunday night, and leaving in the same car. In the video, Paris is asked about the drink-pouring incident, and she directs the paparazzi to Lohan herself, who is walking up behind them. "Lindsay, tell them the truth!" she says. "Paris never hit me," says Lohan, "she's my friend. Everyone lies about everything...she never did that, she's a good girl, she's a nice person. Please, stop trying to make us hate each other." (Um, Lindsay, stop talking trash about her on video.) As she gets into the car with Britney and Paris, a photog actually says "Oh, this is classic."

I should note that, in the 18,000 videos of Paris and Britney leaving clubs together this week, Britney almost never says a thing. She is clearly way too busy being ridiculously drunk, holding onto Paris, a publicist, and/or a car to maintain her balance most of the time. As she stumbles into the car in the last video, and the photogs try to take up-skirt shots, Paris admonishes them, "Guys, don't be pervs." (They got the shot anyway).

Oh, man, I cannot wait until Paris and Britney get into a huge fight. Maybe Britney will sleep with Stavros. Or Paris will sleep with K-Fed (although the former Mr. Spears is rumored to already have a new woman). Or Britney will become BFF with Shanna Moakler (whom, claims Travis Barker, has always been jealous of Paris). The possibilities are endless! Stay tuned!

Angry After a Long Weekend Off You Still Have to Go To Work?

Here is a way to pass your time, even though you probably have a lot of things to do this Monday.
Dress up Tom Cruise virtually. It is sad and kind of awesome to see how far his star has fallen.This is what you get for believing in aliens Tom.
Click here to begin your fun. Also check out the video below. Really, this should be about 25 min of procrastination, provided to you, free of charge from The Evil Beet.

K-Fed Has a New Lady Already?

As disturbing as this sounds, according to Dlisted, K-Fed has found himself a new lady and they spent the Thanksgiving Holiday at Miss Shar Jackson's house. You know, Shar, Kevin's other baby mama? The girl is not cute, but has that white trash big boobed thing goin on. I guess Kevin is into the porn star look, via an article almost a year ago, Kevin was rumored to have hooked up with porn star Kendra Jade. Here is another story of Kevin's rumored infidelity.

We wonder if she is one of the many reasons for the Brit/K-Fed split? Hopefully one of them will turn up on TV soon enough to tell their side of the story. Maybe K-Fed can go the Nick Lachey route and write some soulful ballads about how his heart was broken by his way-more successful wife?

I just hope Britney Spears stops hanging out with Paris soon. Otherwise Kevin is going to look like a model father and that is just tragic.

Pamela Anderson Files for Divorce!

Just in my inbox from the Hollyscoop ladies...Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from her hubby of only 4 months, Kid Rock.

This really isn't very shocking but still kind of abrupt. Their boozy wedding didn't really seem to foreshadow them growing old together but still it is odd that this happened right after Pam suffered a miscarriage. Maybe the idea of having kids with Pam was too much for fun-loving Kid Rock.

I wish there was something more exciting to report than they simply filed under "irreconcilable differences" (think Kenny Chesney and Zellweger's "fraud") but I will be poking around the internet today hopefully for something more fun to report. I mean, divorce is sad and all but when you get married in a white bikini, twice, we are allowed to make fun of your marriage.

Monday Morning Music

I was sent a lovely email last week from one of our dedicated readers telling me to check out Joshua Radin. I love love love singer songwriters and he is just brilliant. Think Josh Kelley, Pete Yorn, Jack Johnson... His music is lovely and something to fall in love to. Think guys, music to put on when you have a lady in your apartment. This is the video, directed by Zach Braff, for his song "Closer." He is one of those lovely artists that I implore you to buy the whole CD on itunes.



Update: A quick note from the editor: You'll recall that Radin is also the godsend who brought national media attention to Paris Hilton's on-stage vomiting incident just last week with a post on his MySpace blog.

Blind Item! Does Eddie Winslow Have the HIV?

The Panache Report ran the following blind item awhile back:

A young lady got in touch with me last week and related this disturbing story to me and she also emailed me numerous photos of her and "the subject" of this blind item.

A few years ago, she cared for her brother before he died of AIDS. About eight months ago, she started dating an actor who appeared on a popular black sitcom that has since been cancelled. Her family was impressed with him because he was a celebrity. One day, at work, she had a bad headache.

That evening, she went out to dinner with the actor. After dinner, they rented a movie and returned to his house. After the movie, before they became intimate, she insisted on protection, he balked, she grabbed her coat, he relented, she stayed, and they proceeded to have sex. Afterwards, she went into his bathroom, her head was still throbbing and she opened his medicine cabinet, looking for aspirin, instead she found AIDS medications (the same her brother took before his death).

She angrily confronted the actor, he tried to deny it until she threw the vials in his face. He finally confessed, saying, he probably got infected at one of the downlow parties he attends, he also told her-that he has had the virus for three years and he admitted to having unprotected sex with women and men on a constant basis. She was enraged, not only did he have the virus, he just admitted to spreading it intentionally and he confessed to bi-sexuality.

She screamed, 'no wonder you didn't want to wear a condom,' he said, 'Hey, someone gave it to me.' She slapped him and stormed out the door! She got tested and was negative. She wanted to put this incident behind her but she found out, the actor was dating a black female actress. Through mutual friends, she was able to get word to the actress before the actress became intimate with him. Despite calling the "Health Department" on him, it is rumored the actor is dating an up and coming black female in the entertainment industry on the East Coast.

The young lady who related this story says "A headache may have saved my life-because over time, I may have become comfortable & trusting and let my guard down by having unprotected sex with him. "This same headache may have also saved the actress's life."

Hints..Although there have been numerous black sitcoms on the air, we can do a process of elimination on a few of the shows. The shows the actor did "NOT" appear on: Good Times, The Jeffersons, What's Happening, The Cosby Show. And the show was carried on a "major" network. Also, we hinted in a prior blind item about this actor regarding downlow activities, Paris visited message boards that copied and pasted that particular blind item and most of the participants guessed his identity.

Now MediaTakeOut is claiming they've solved the mystery. Apparently they've received nearly 500 emails claiming that the man in question here is Darius McCrary, who played Eddie Winslow on Family Matters. Is it true? Who the hell knows. But the lesson here is obvious: always use a condom, even when you're sleeping with a washed-up former TGIF mainstay. Whoever's banging that methed-up Jodie Sweetin these days, you've been warned.

Here We Go Again

Perez Hilton continues to wage his own personal war against gay celebs who choose to remain -- at least publicly -- in the closet. Up today: Jodie Foster and her girlfriend, Cydney Bernard, whom Perez claims Foster has been dating for thirteen years. A quick Google search reveals that Bernard is a producer, and the two met on the set of Sommersby. Foster has two kids, and she's never revealed who their father is.

Foster's relationship with Bernard is well-known in Hollywood circles (in fact, it's mentioned on both their IMDB pages), but Foster has clearly been perfectly happy keeping their relationship (and the rest of her personal life) out of the public eye. I mean, she's Jodie Foster. She doesn't exactly need paparazzi coverage to have a successful career.

Celebrity gossip bloggers have touched on the topic in the past, but, let's be honest, Perez is the celebrity gossip blogger, and his readership has grown by more than 200% in the last six months. He now reaches nearly 3 million readers a day, which is approximately the number of viewers who tuned into Laguna Beach last season. I don't expect Foster to hide from this; my guess is she'll give a statement to People magazine next week.

Some critics claim Perez has mounted something more akin to an Inquisition than a gay pride parade with his regular outing of celebs. Is it fair of him to pull shit like this? No, no it's not. Does it have the potential to send an extraordinarily positive message to the gay community, closeted or otherwise? Yeah. I think it does. To wax philosophic for a moment, it's interesting that this kid from Miami who set out to talk shit about famous people in his spare time may actually have a significant cultural and historic impact for the gay community. Interesting, frightening, and pretty damn cool.

Gobble Up These Links (ha ha HA!)

Today in tasteful: unearthed 1986 footage of Michael Richards in blackface. [The Bosh]

When Prison Break first aired, I gave it three hours of my life that I will never get back, then gave up. But Wentworth Miller is still way hot, so check out this interview with him. [Gossip or Truth, more]

If you're anything like the rest of the country, you've been waiting ever so anxiously to hear what a recently divorced Juliette Lewis thinks about former boyfriend Brad Pitt. Thanks goodness she's finally weighed in. [Agent Bedhead]

The Beyonce/Jay-Z shelf life is nearing its end. Maybe they can time the break-up to coincide with the opening of Dreamgirls. Wouldn't that be nice? [Rhymes with Snitch]

Stylist Rachel Zoe claims Nicole Richie fired her after she "voiced concerns ... about her lifestyle." [PopSugar]

When asked about Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe takes the high road. No pun intended. [celebrity nation]

And just for the hell of it, really cute pics of Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their adorable little critter out shopping. [Dirty Laundry]

Britney Spears Crotch Shot: Coming Soon?

According to the NY Daily News:

Spears was snapped with Hilton on Friday night leaving West Hollywood's Hyde nightclub in a white T-shirt and black mini-skirt (both very Hilton-esque) as well as a pair of Paris' trademark oversize sunglasses.

While maneuvering out of the cab in the black mini, Spears managed to flash her goods to the throng of paparazzi - and there was an awful lot to see.

I have a feeling the pictures are here, but I can't get the page to load. Will keep you posted...

The point this really drives home for me is just that Paris Hilton is (still) a goddamn publicity genius. Britney Spears is going through one of the most high-profile divorces of the decade? Be her best friend. Get her trashed. Make sure she doesn't wear underwear. Be with her when crotch shot is snapped. Just brilliant.

Update: Wow, that wasn't even the worst of it. The world premiere of Britney Spears' labia, here.

Update 11/29: Oops, she did it again.

Where Can I Return This?

I can think of a lot of gifts I would have given Tom and Katie had they invited me to the wedding.

A golden scepter
Diamond encrusted cubic zirconium
Multiple Maseratis.

But you know what I wouldn't have thought of? One of those hand written notes you used to give your mom that promised you'd clean the kitchen for a week.

Luckily David Beckham remembered. Per our pals at the SfGate Daily Dish; He's giving Tom's children soccer lessons as a wedding gift.

That's right, Connor and Isabella are set to take lessons with good ol' Becks when he's not indisposed.

Whaa? This gift sucks ass for a myriad of reasons but here are just a few:

1) Katie gets nothing.
2) Katie's little nugget Suri gets nothing.
3) Connor and Isabella don't need soccer lessons because they won't be soccer players. Plus they are eleven and thirteen. Plus they weren't getting married (unless I truly don't get how that religion works).
4) Posh Spice should fucking know better.
5) It's not a GIFT! You can't hold it!

It's the kind of thing you offer after a few drinks, or maybe throw out there for giggles, but you get them a Goddamn real gift because they are damn near American royalty. You are worth millions; get them one big ass Crate & Barrel gift certificate. C'mon man.

Now, this is all just alleged and maybe he actually got them a platinum mini Ferrari for Suri to run over the Paparazzi with. Here's hoping.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare my "free backrub" coupons for momma.

Introducing...New Commenting Software!

Hi all. Beet here. I changed our commenting software to Haloscan last night, and this should make commenting much easier, especially for those of you who are not registered with Blogger. So quit lurking and say hello to us! We love your adoring praise, your blind, hateful criticism and, of course, your spam.

Email me at evilbeet@gmail.com if you are having problems using the new comments.

Kisses,
Evil Beet

Fashion Victim of the Week

Karen and Gaston Nogues from the Skin + Bones Opening Night Party at MOCA ladies and gentlemen. Karen, honey, animal prints are in but we ask you to do them in a tasteful way not wear them over your nightgown with a matching bag. Everything is wrong with this outfit. It hurts my eyes. I think I'm hungover on Turkey.

The Happiest Porn You Will Ever See

I don't really understand what this is advertising...It looks like a mix of "do you want a little sucky sucky?" and some Saturday morning kids TV show? The Japanese are funny, that is all I know.

Heidi Klum Unveils Her Latest Design

Project Runway host Heidi Klum and husband Seal sent their latest creation down that fabulous runway of life on Tuesday. (Look, just be grateful I didn't make the runway/birth canal parallel I was trying for originally.) Klum (well, Seal) made the announcement on her website:

TO OUR CHILDREN, A BROTHER TO OUR PARENTS, A GRANDSON TO MY WIFE AND I, A SON TO OUR FAMiLY, A BLESSING JOHAN RILEY FYODOR TAIWO SAMUEL WAS BORN AN 11/22/06 AT 17:01 in L.A. WEIGHING 8 LBS 11 OUNCES. HE IS HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL AND LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MOTHER.

Klum and Seal have another son, Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Damuel, age one. Klum also has a two-year-old daughter, Leni, from a previous relationship.

K-Fed Offered a Job!

Perhaps Mr. Britney Spears won't have to resort to selling sex tapes after all. While his soon-to-be ex-wife traverses the country on Paris Hilton's coattails, Kevin Federline has reportedly been offered nearly $300,000 to appear on the U.K.'s Celebrity Big Brother.

According to an insider, "Kevin is hugely entertaining because he takes himself really seriously - even though no one else does. He'll be great for the show because it's all about larger-than-life characters." Although Federline's "real" fans should not be counted out -- X17 snuck cameras into his recent House of Blues show, and caught Kevin leading an (unironically) cheering crowd in a chorus of -- if I'm hearing this right -- "Fuck K-Fed." I'm not sure I completely understand the context, but about halfway through the film someone holds a Long Island iced tea up in the air, and that's really all the explanation I need.

The Greatest Float Ever

I hope you enjoy this half as much as I do. Please also note the overall shape of the NutMobile. Good on ya Planters!

Gobble Gobble

Personally I don't understand why Evil B and Evil T get the day off while I am forced to watch the Evil Lab. I know I'm the new guy, but that seems arbitrary.

The good news is it's just you and me (my little lonely Thanksgiving web surfer) and we can break the rules a little around here. Hey, what's that noise?

Why, it's Thanksgiving Music Thursday!



Very pleasing yes? It's the band that you first heard on the Cruel Intentions soundtrack, Placebo, back and updated for this new generation with a fun song called "meds."

Crap. I just heard a noise coming from the Evil laundry room. Maybe I'll check back with you later if I survive.

Robbie Williams and Lisa D'Amato???

Okay, okay, I was seriously going to go away for the night, but then I came across this article from -- where else? -- ChinaDaily:

Robbie Williams and Lisa D'Amato get it on. The twosome reportedly have been dating for a month.

It is said that the singer has been seeing Lisa since he met her at a party in Hollywood last month.

"Robbie and Lisa hit it off immediately and swapped numbers the first night they met," said a source. "Lisa is young, gorgeous and fun to be around and they are getting on really well."

"It's only early days but Robbie seems really confident it is going somewhere. It takes a lot for Robbie to trust a girl, but he is completely relaxed around Lisa," the source added. "She has been spending quite a lot of time at his place, which proves just how keen he is."

Lisa D'Amato, for those of you who don't remember her, was the drunkie favorite on cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model (although she got booted toward the end for some dumbass, unwarranted reason). Robbie Williams, of course, is the British pop singer/heartthrob. Random! Well, you go girl! I always liked her.

You Should Try Some Billy Madison with that Zora Neale Hurston. Penguin.

Eagle-eyed Beet reader Anna emails us advising we check out the Library of America Collection on Amazon.com. This $4000 compilation of classic gems of Americana includes the complete novels of William Faulker (in five volumes), the reportage of World War II and Vietnam and the writings of our revered Founding Fathers.

The good folks at Amazon.com always take the time to include a "Better Together" recommended companion product for your intended purchase.

So, what does Amazon.com suggest you pick up to perfectly complement these "authoritative, unabridged texts?"

Why, that other celebrated contribution to classic Americana: Adam Sandler in Click.



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Beet out.

Rosie, Ripa, Aiken All Non-Sexually Kiss and Makeup

That's a weird math equation. Clay wouldn't do either Ripa or Rosie, Rosie would probably put the hammer down on Ripa, but I'm guessing Ripa would pass on Mr. "McUseMyHandsBecauseICan'tThink" (that may be the longest McFakeLastName joke ever, EvilB let's put an intern on researching that).

Anyway, the news from The View is that everything is fine and could we please move on to talking about Babwa Wa-Wa's wisp again?

Walters said:

"This is what I want to say. Rosie O'Donnell is one of the kindest, most sensitive people I know. And so is our friend Kelly Ripa. And Rosie and Kelly talked yesterday after the show. Rosie and Clay Aiken have talked. And all is well with the world, and all is well with them. So let's move on."

Hmm. Rosie may indeed be kind, in fact I fondly I remember that one day she brought me lunch without my even asking, but I'd take a bit of umbrage at that "sensitive" label. Unless sensitive means butting your nose into other people's affairs and then totally screwing someone over whom you're professing to defend. Then, by all means, she's as sensitive as all get-out.

Blind Item! A New Lip-Syncing Scandal???

Yay!!!

The lawyer who writes the Crazy Days and Nights blog posted a sort of blind item today, implying that someone big in the music industry has been using an unknown singer's vocals on, well, all her albums. The real singer, who he refers to as "S," has not been getting her usual hush money, and now wants to come forward with her story. The famous singer, who he refers to as "MV" (for Milli Vanilli), has been "recording" since 2001, has had several hit songs and at least one gold record. The kids at Idolator have narrowed it down to four top guesses: Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore and Christina Millian. They're going with Mandy Moore.

What do you think?

Network Televison is Like High School

Today I was in a cab going to work (usually T does take the good ole subway but the foot is still on the mend) and I saw these HUGE NBC billboards up procliaming that they are the #1 network for morning and evening news shows. I didn't really put two and two together until I was reading PageSix. They were up right in front of ABC studios on West 67th St. Evidently, NBC, sad that they are getting wacked in the ratings from shows such as Lost and Grey's Anatomy decided to pull the network equivalent of a "na nanny boo boo." They are nice billboards but a bit of an overkill. Why not try to get more viewers to the shows that aren't doing so well like "Friday Night Lights" and "Studio 60" rather than pat themselves on the back for not sucking it up a couple of hours in the day. ABC, of course took the "high road" stating, "Maybe if they spent that money on the staff they've been firing as opposed to some sophomoric stunt, they'd be in better shape. We didn't realize that layoffs of 700 people and billboards were part of their strategy." Snap ABC. Hopefully this bitchfight continues. Maybe Meredith Viera can go slap Kelly Ripa in the face.

Screech Sex Tape: The Review

Evil T and I are not especially skilled in the fine art of film review, and Spiteful Lars prefers his pornography to involve Kevin Federline, so we left it up to those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot to review Dustin Diamond's feces-riffic opus, and here's what they had to say:

That Diamond, whose financial woes drove him first to radio stations selling anti-foreclosure t-shirts, now peddles a sex tape through "1 Night in Paris" purveyors Red Light District, comes across as painfully self-conscious should be a given, but that the video fails to reveal a hidden redeeming talent is the unkindest cut of all.

Diamond made the tape after a Wisconsin club appearance when he was invited to join a bachelorette party in their hotel room, so he tells the camera, and the video is part of a series of competing sex tapes released by his friends. He addresses the camera as both "Mark" and "Bro".

Diamond's entreaties to the two-girl bachelorette party (including "You grew up with me, baby!") eventually result in a gradual breakdown of their inhibitions, and it is impressive to hear him talking them down...

Shot in very poor P.O.V. style, "Screeched" features too many shots of Diamond's face (Ed: frankly I'd prefer that to shots of his head, if ya know what I mean). It is a plus, though, that the banter seems real and that the bachelorette party, getting consistently drunker, appears nevertheless to be doing this of their own volition.

And that hyped Dirty Sanchez comes as something of an anticlimax. There is a lip. There is poo.

In my previous research on the topic of the Screech sex tape, I'd not come across the fact that he was intruding on a bachelorette party -- apparently the key female players here are the bride and her bridesmaid. Can you imagine destroying your marriage before it's even begun because you had dirty, on-camera, poo-related sex with Dustin Diamond? Whoever this would-be groom is, he narrowly dodged a bullet.

Jimmy Kimmel's K-Fed Haterade

Check out Kimmel's mucho funny Federline-drowning monologue at last night's AMAs.

Would You Buy Cosmetics From Jackie Chan?

Via CNN this afternoon, "Jackie Chan has launched a cosmetics line, his Web site said Monday, adding to the action star's diverse range of businesses that include fitness clubs, restaurants, a clothing label and cookies."

I understand the fitness clubs and I could get used to some hot Jackie Chan active wear but...cosmetics? How is Jackie Chan really in a position to sell womens cosmetics?

Evidently, "Chan's skin care products, packaged with recycled materials, use natural ingredients that don't pollute." That's all fine and good but if I use this will I be able to kick some serious ass? Does his blush give me Kung Fu powers? Otherwise I'm sticking to NARS y'all.

Jay-Z Leaps Towards Mediocre

I have to say I loved Jay-Z a few years back. Before Beyonce, when he was sampling musicals I thought he was at least a litte bit of what the kids call "dope."

Sadly he's now very annoying. You can't shake a stick without hearing him talk about coming out of retirement. If you're going to retire when you're in your twenties you better damn well wait a decade to "come back." And why the hell would a rapper even bother retiring anyway? Just stop putting out albums man, we'll get it. It's not like your knees are shot or you need medicare you jerk off.

Even better, he was on Monday Night Football this past week. Wait for the relevance to come to you. Oh wait, there is none. None whatsoever. He's from Brooklyn so they tried to tread water with the "So, ah, how about them Giants" line but as it turns out he's a Cowboys fan. I mean gimme a break over here.

Slate.com did me one better though calling the new album his worst ever. He's been sliding downhill for quite some time, and honestly if I was knocking boots with Beyonce I'd mail in my "art" too.

(Spiteful Lars slams mike down, once again winning the rap-battle)

Lindsay Lohan Sobered by Death of Robert Altman

LiLo released the following statement yesterday:

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.
The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.
When we shouldn't..... '

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,
BE ADEQUITE
Lindsay Lohan

I hope you don't mind -- I've taken the initiative to put in bold the distinctly AA phrases ("12st book" here means, I'm sure, "12-step book") Lindsay used in her statement, which, quite frankly, sounds as though it was written while under the influence. This is the same young lady who, earlier this month, was spotted leaving the Ivy wearing an AA 90-day chip. Well, Linds, even if you're not staying sober, it's good to see some of that 12-step business is sticking in your head. Keep coming back, I guess!

Good and Bad: Revenge of the Nerds Project Scrapped

TMZ reports that the remake of Revenge of the Nerds shut down production just weeks after filming began, after they lost their location at Emory University, where they'd planned to shoot a third of the movie. It is thought that Emory pulled out of the project because of its "raunchy" nature (um...did anyone at Emory think to watch the original?) .

This is sad because I loved the original of this movie and was kind of excited to see a remake. It is wonderful, however, because it means one less publicity opportunity for Kristin Cavallari, who'd recently begun dating her co-star from the film, the even-lesser-known Nick Zano. I'm sure her relationship with him will continue to thrive and blossom even though this movie got cancelled. Kristin doesn't fall in love lightly. Or for publicity.

Late-Night Links

Britney Spears and K-Fed briefly reunite to jointly issue one last depressing statement: they did not make a sex tape. [Agent Bedhead]

Somehow -- somehow -- Wesley Snipes has managed to compare his tax evasion indictment to rape and accuse the federal government of racism in a single well-advised statement sent via email to a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel. [E! Online]

I still haven't figured out who this Katie "Jordan" Price person is, but she's selling her implants on eBay. [Hollyscoop]

Will Smith homeschools his kids, because he knows everything. [Junkiness]

Kristin Cavallari has found someone even less famous than Brody Jenner to date, her Revenge of the Nerds "co-star," Nick Zano. [Superficial Girls]

Nicky Hilton Sues for Hotel Name

Nicky Hilton is being forced to take a break from planning the launch of her be-penised line of boutique hotels, Nicky O, as she's suing Eneliko Smith, a man she'd hired to help her develop the hotel. Nicky says Smith "held himself out as an experienced operator and marketer of boutique hotels." Well, Smith is clearly far more experienced in matters of business than the wee Hilton, as he had the foresight to file a patent application for the name.

Nicky is pissed -- she's asking for damages, and she wants a judge to issue an injunction prohibiting Smith from using the name. Smith claims he created the concept for the hotel, and that it's well within his rights to apply for exclusive rights to the name.

After this is all over, Nicky will consider incorporating the business venture she's been working on for over a year, and, if all goes well with the Miami grand opening next year, she'll look into an insurance policy sometime in late 2008. But lest we judge too hastily, let's remember that her older sister chugged a bottle of Grey Goose and puked on a Las Vegas stage this weekend.



[source]