An Open Letter to Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump

Hi Rosie and Donald,

I just wanted to write to thank you for the feud you've been having this month. Each morning, I wake up, still a little groggy from the codeine and tequila, punch off my alarm clock, and go to brush my teeth. I stare at my reflection and wonder what there really is to be awake for. My hum-drum job? My boring friends? Dolphins? It seems a bleak existence.

Then, it hits me: maybe there's a new development in the Rosie/Donald feud!

Did Rosie say something inflammatory on The View?? Did Donald pen a scathing rebuttal? Anything's possible with you two!!

I run to my computer.

Oh, joy!

Rosie, without fail, you've said something ever so witty and perceptive about Donald on The View. And, Donald, you've always authored a brilliantly innovative note in response. Each day it is eye-opening. Each day it feels new.

I smile to myself. This is all fascinating.

I care so much.

So thank you, both of you, for bringing a daily dose of Rosie/Donald feuding happiness into my life. Please keep it coming. The American public is counting on you.

Yours always,
The Beet