Paris Hilton Wants to Be on Every Part of Your Body

The queen of extensions was on-hand in Chicago this weekend to promote her new line of hair-extensions, DreamCatchers. I did Google searches for "Dream Catchers Hilton," "DreamCatchers hair," "Dream Catchers extensions," and "Dream Catchers Hilton hair extensions," and I could not find a single example of this product or information on how one might go about purchasing it. So, good work, Paris. This is a foolproof product launch. It's like that one time your sister launched an entire hotel and forgot to copyright the name. You kids are business prodigies, I swear.

Also, who launches a line of hair extensions in Chicago? Are they supposed to double as thermal outerwear? I love Chicago, but it's not exactly an area where the Paris Hilton aesthetic has a whole lot of pull, at least not compared to Los Angeles. Hm. Maybe Jessica Simpson's line of extensions has the West coast cornered, so Hilton's trying to promote somewhere else.

Whatever. Her hair looks fake.

Late-Night Links

Lindsay Lohan's out of rehab and on the loose. And everyone knows the next-best thing to some Grey Goose cocktail is some Ryan Phillippe ... um .. you know. [A Socialite's Life]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: pregnant or fat? [INO]

Cammy Diaz nabs herself some Tyrese. [Cele|bitchy]

Premiere becomes the latest magazine to bid adieu to its print version, plans to focus efforts on online operations. [fishbowlLA]

Hey, guess who's still freakin' adorable? The Jolie-Pitt family! [ICYDK]

Also cute: TomKat and Suri, back on the intramural sports circuit. [dlisted]

Courtney Love breaks the big story that there was cocaine at Paris Hilton's birthday party. We get it, Courtney. You're sober now. But do you really have to ruin it for everyone else? [Warship]

Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer take little Ruby Sweetheart into the ocean. Nude. (She's nude, not them.) [POTP]

Pics from Liz Hurley's wedding. [Allie]

ScarJo puts on her very ugliest dress for the Louis Vuitton show. Hair and shoes to match. [SOW]

One billion pics from the NAACP Image Awards. [PopSugar]

Also ... a VERY SPECIAL thanks to Joy A. at Pop on the Pop for giving Evil Beet a shout-out in her Mediabistro interview. We love ya, Joy, and we love reading POTP!

Late-Night Links

Britney leaves Promises to attend an AA meeting in Santa Monica. And Perez wins this link by being the only blogger with the sense to clip the other people out of the pic. [Perez Hilton]

The Associated Press has revoked Paris Hilton's media privileges. [The Blemish]

Hide your crack; Bobby Brown's out of jail. [Celebrity Smack]

Nicole Richie is not engaged to Joel Madden, people -- she's wearing a ring because we haven't been writing enough about her lately. Sorry, Nicole. Our bad. We won't let it happen again. [POTP]

If Rumer Willis wasn't enough for you, her fifteen-year-old sister, Scout, is now officially drinking age. [dlisted]

Nick Cannon's not married, just totally pussy-whipped. [Glitterati]

Jessica Simpson on the set of her aptly named film, Blonde Ambition. [A Socialite's Life]

I completely forgot that ANTM premiered this week, so thank goodness someone thought to recap it. [IBBB]

Paris Might Be Going to Jail

Paris Hilton, who has offically earned her nickname "celebutard," is facing up to 3 months in prison after driving on a suspended license. Paris wasn't supposed to be driving after being convicted of alcohol-related reckless driving and given 36 months probation. Of course not only did she drive, but she also decided to drive her brand-new Bentley Continental GTC without her headlights on.

The Los Angeles City Attorney's Office is all over this. I think that they should make an example out of Miss Hilton. Drinking and driving isn't cool, and when a normal person violates their probation they get thrown in the slammer.

"Once our office is able to verify that Miss Hilton was driving, we will request that the court revoke her probation and set a probation violation hearing," said Nick Velasquez, spokesman for the city Attorney's Office.

If Paris Hilton went to jail somehow order would be restored in the universe. Britney's hair would grow back, Whitney Houston would put out a rocking new album, Lindsay Lohan's hair would turn red again and "Mean Girls: The Bitches Strike Back" would become a reality.

Come on Paris, Martha Stewart did it. Jail. So hot right now.
[source]

UPDATE: This is the outfit that Paris wore to her lawyer's office. Gag me with a spoon.

Paris Drives Like Beet

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (AP) — Paris Hilton was cited for driving on a suspended license after police stopped her for speeding and driving without her headlights on late Tuesday, authorities said.

If you're going to speed put your headlights on. Also, if you don't have a valid license do your best to keep it under the speed limit so as not to attract attention.

She was on her way home from buying DVDs at Virgin Megastore in West Hollywood after spending the day at home for a photo shoot, her publicist Elliot Mintz said.

This is why stupid people shouldn't be obscenely wealthy. Because they have no idea how to live their life in a manner that will allow them not to be bothered. If you gave me Hilton money right now (and you should at least consider it) I would:

1) Subscribe to the Columbia DVD program where they give you the first ten free but charge you $35 a pop after that. No, wait, I'd hire someone to sign me up. Then I'd direct them to order me every DVD that has ever come out, and then order every DVD that is scheduled to come out. Then I'd keep them on the salary with the caveat that if I ever didn't have a DVD I wanted their $150,000 salary a year would be taken away.

I would then hire one other person to LIVE at Virgin Megastore. They would have the exact same job, only I would pay them more because they would have to live in a store. This would be my double blind system. Even if I had to fire one of them I would always have the DVD I wanted. For kicks I would then hire an IT guru to set up a download system for foreign releases that were not commercially available to either of my DVD mules. If I wanted something exotic I would call out the name of a movie to him (he would be paid to sleep at his computer terminal) and he would get it for me. He would have exactly one hour before I set my attack dog loose on him.

2) I would have a giant man in a bear costume drive me everywhere. He would be armed to the teeth.

See? Better.

Late-Night Links

Brandon Davis makes Paris Hilton cry at her birthday party. Somewhere, Lindsay Lohan has a newfound confidence in her Higher Power. [Celebslam]

Pink has one of those sexy jutting-out pelvic bones that are absolutely irresistible ... on a man. [The Blemish]

Hey, guess who's freakin' adorable? The Jolie-Pitt family! [POTP]

Vivid agrees not to distribute the Kim Kardashian video until all this Britney/Anna hype dies down and the blogosphere can once again focus on a C-lister's sexcapades. [Celebrity Smack]

100 places to get music online. [Bree]

Do you ever catch yourself watching MTV's Juvies and think to yourself, "Man, I wish some blogger would do an interview with one of those crazies?" I don't. But still. This is a pretty funny interview. [IBBB]

David Spade has a blog. I guess the rest of us should just stop now. Strange, I used to think I was funny. [The Showbiz Show]

Late-Night Links

Yay! Trista and Ryan from The Bachelorette are expecting a baby! [Gone Hollywood]

Donald Trump may pull a Britney. [Cele|bitchy]

The Beckham's actual reality was too dull, so they've created scripted characters for their "reality" show. You know, just like every other reality show ever. [POTP]

Kurt Cobain would have been forty this Tuesday. [Bree]

Reese Witherspoon and George Clooney? I'm sure this is not true, but I'll dutifully pass along the rumor. [Holy Candy]

Paris Hilton's birthday party in Vegas had not a single A-lister. She partied with midgets and monkeys. She's probably going to check herself into rehab tomorrow just so someone will pay attention to her. [The Blemish]

Mischa Barton's kid sister checks into rehab. [A Socialite's Life]

Nicole Richie pleads not guilty to DUI, writes heartfelt thank-you letter to Britney Spears. [Hollywood Grind]

Mid-Day Links

Comin' atcha early today...

Bridget Moynahan and Tom Brady split up in December ... but they're expecting a baby late this summer. [ICYDK]

Dog the Bounty Hunter has been cleared for extradition to Mexico, where they prefer serial rapists to bounty hunters. [Girls Talkin Smack]

Now I understand why Britney decided to shave her head this weekend ... it was Paris Hilton's birthday, and the blogosphere barely noticed. So sad! [Holy Candy]

Check out Anna Nicole's actual will. [Ninja Dude]

Just when you thought nothing about Vanilla Ice could possibly get more pathetic ... bring on the tax rap. [NewsToob]

Britney Spears and Snow White's Dopey: separated at birth? [Allie is Wired]

Sports Illustrated models work the red carpet (in dresses, but still hot). [Drunken Stepfather]

Austrians Throw Trash at Paris Hilton

Awesome. She gets evacuated. I think my favorite part of this is how her song is pumping in the background as the security guards move her away from the raining cigarettes. It's poetic, really. Very Grey's Anatomy.

[via POTP]

Paris Hilton Goes For Tongue

Note: I may be taking this photo out of context.

Late-Night Links

There's a sixth hat in the Dannielynn paternity ring. And he's in jail. Nice. [dlisted]

Brit-pop up-and-comer Lily Allen sports some conspiracy theories. [Buzznet]

You thought Austria was neutral? Not when it comes to Paris Hilton. They threw trash at her. [POTP]

Wow, remember that Uruguayan model who died of an anorexia-related heart attack in August? Her younger sister, also a model, just died the same way. Unbelievable. All together now, girls: starving is not cool. [Cele|bitchy]

L.A. comedy clubs seem to be the hot-spot for bitchy comedian screaming matches lately. This week: Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan throw down. Check out the video. [Celebrity Smack]

Taylor Hicks is that abhorrent sort of diva who doesn't even allow other men to watch him pee. For shame! [Celebslam]

TRL is dead. Vanessa Minnillo is unemployed. Jessica Simpson is doing a happy dance. [Just Jared]

Katie Holmes in Harper's Bazaar. [Warship]

Late-Night Links

Justin Timberlake announces plans to launch his own television network, JT TV. I announce plans to throw up a little in my mouth. [POTP]

Remember Lindsay Lohan? [The Blemish]

Mischa Barton does her very best Crocodile Dundee. [Celebslam]

Anna Nicole was cheating ... on TRIMSPA! Leave it to CourtTV to get the hard facts in this case. [TMZ]

T.R. Knight is not getting pushed around by anyone anymore! You hear that, Diddy? [Cele|bitchy]

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer pose for some prom post-Grammy photos. [Tabloid Whore]

Paris Hilton won't have her true commitment to the ground-breaking creation of novel soundscapes diluted by an extended appearance at such self-congratulatory nonsense as the Grammy awards. But you can take her picture real quick. [Defamer]

See? Sarah Silverman is funny. I told you so. [Gawker]

Heather(ette)s

Heatherette gets no love. The hipster fashion line debuted its new line at NYC Fashion Week on Tuesday, sans a model and a high-profile guest. Paris Hilton -- a longtime friend of the designer duo -- was slated to walk the runway, and Britney Spears had front row seats. Paris canceled at the last minute, citing a stomach ache, but Radar provides a little more insight. Paris was spotted doing shots of tequila at Butter with Brandon Davis until 3:30 in the morning, at which point she puked and went home for some, uh, beauty sleep.

Britney Spears was also a no-show. The Daily News sheds some light on this one: "Ten minutes before the show started, they got a call that Britney was in the parking area outside," says a backstage source. "They went out with a Heatherette sweatshirt [Ed: As opposed to, you know, the kind of sweatshirt with which they wouldn't be able to plug their line to the Daily News.] to throw over her head, but there was no Britney. She got to the parking lot and bailed." Why the about-face? Apparently Britney hadn't heard that Paris called in sick. She got cold feet about running into Hilton, as their BFF-ship has cooled ... well ... about as quickly as anyone expected, with Paris now referring to Brit as "The Animal," and not in a nice way, either. Sigh. Break-ups are so rough.

Who wins in a battle like this? Well, Heatherette, obviously. Britney and Paris garnered more publicity for the show by both not attending than they would have if they'd been there. Paris has been buddies with the Heatherette duo for awhile, so I can't help but wonder if this was all planned from the start. But I guess I can't rule out the possibility that Paris and Britney are just grossly irresponsible and operating with the same level of maturity as the girl who sometimes threw pebbles at me in middle school.

Late-Night Links

Best and worst of Super Bowl ads. [Film.com]

Ryan Phillippe is all about fatherhood. That and cheating on his wife. [PopSugar]

Kimora Lee gets all lesbo at Cipriani. [Cele|bitchy]

Kim Kardashian takes a page from the Paris Hilton playbook, keeps the sex tape rumors alive. [The Blemish]

Jessica Simpson dyes her hair auburn, colors face to match. [Pop on the Pop]

Ron Jeremy and Paris Hilton once played a little game of I'll-show-you-mine-if-you'll-show-me-yours in a bathroom stall. If they wanted to see each other's naughty bits, they both could have saved some time and checked the Internet. [Warship]

Jennifer Love Hewitt and her cleavage hit up The Ivy for some publicity lunch. Oh, Love. I don't even know what you're working on now. The Horse Whisperer? Or something? You'll always be that girl who gave it up to Bailey Salinger in my mind. [Rappy's]

Ryan O'Neal understands that the publics needs -- nay, deserves -- a full account of his fireplace-poker-swinging battle with his son. [Defamer]

Jeff Zucker takes the reins at NBC. Hang on tight. [Jossip]

Paris Packs a Pipe Like a Champ

Since it is Celebrity Drug use day I thought that I would post a fun photo of Paris Hilton. You know, from that little site that she is using for publicity. I find this one particularly funny because I think Paris actually does have a redeemable skill other than partying and posing for the paparazzi. I think she is really good at smoking weed. Usually she is smoking with someone else (the person taking the photo in question) but she is always the one packing the pipe/rolling the joint etc...

So for those of you that say "Paris Hilton isn't talented!" maybe we have found her one true talent. Think about it. Back in the day there was always that person in high school that was just really good at getting that weed ready to smoke.

Since Hollywood is like high school...maybe Paris is just that person. Not only does she buy her friends admission to the hotties parties but she packs their bongs. Beautiful isn't it?

Kitson Unveils New Hilton-Themed T-Shirts!

[President Monkey by way of Defamer]

Late-Night Links

I love it. Farrah Fawcett gets cured of cancer, so we get to care about Ryan O'Neal for all of five minutes, during which he manages to get arrested in a physical altercation with his son, who has managed to knock up a girl who is literally half his age. You cannot make this stuff up. [Tabloid Whore]

Britney Spears: still dumber than you. [Celebrity Smack]

I don't know how Bam Margera has stayed out of prison this long, but his uncle wasn't so lucky. Because, see, Bam's never been so good with, like, knowing where to draw the line, but he's at least peripherally aware that it exists somewhere between a 12-year-old girl and her breast. [Ninja Dude]

Check out the Hannibal Rising trailer. [Film.com]

Important things I learned this weekend: The Colts are from Indianapolis. The Bears are from Chicago. So can we be done talking about football for awhile now? [Agent Bedhead]

Paris Hilton wins the latest battle in her quest to shut down ParisExposed.com keep her name in the headlines. [Hollywood Backwash]

Liz Hurley even manages to make her nip slip look classy. [Celeb Slam]

An Open Letter to the Cop Who Pulled Me Over on Sepulveda Tonight

You are way, way cooler than the cop who pulled me over last week, and much nicer than the cop who pulled me over the week before that. Thanks for being a doll. I will live to terrorize the roads of Los Angeles another day.

With love,
Beet



Also, Paris got that restraining order against ParisExposed.com, further insuring that her latest "passion" project will stay front and center as everyone goes to print next week. Say what you will, but that girl's a genius.

Late-Night Links

Joe Francis is kind enough to voice his opinion on the sexual strengths and weaknesses of young Hollywood, with Paris Hilton in a commanding lead. He also manages to plug ParisExposed about ten times, which is quite the favor for a website he claims to despise. Turn the other cheek, eh, Joe? [TMZ]

Denise Richards: what's not to hate? [Celebrity Smack]

Reese and Ryan suck it up and attend their daughter's school play together. I'm so Team Reese on this one. [A Socialite's Life]

Congratulations, DJ AM. You've earned yourself another fifteen minutes of fame. And, yes, Mandy, Zach's pissed. Everybody wins! [Just Jared]

Kate at Fishbowl has the 411 on Top Design behind the scenes. [FishbowlLA]

“The first time I get into a car accident and I see a blind guy get out of the other car — I’m kicking somebody’s ass." [Pajiba]

For what it's worth, National Enquirer is reporting that Nick & Vanessa are engaged. [The Bosh]

Late-Night Links

If you had to be in rehab with Lindsay Lohan, you'd drink, too. [A Socialite's Life]

Not only is Britney Spears still dating Jewish actor/model Isaac Cohen, she's sporting a star of David. Also, I challenge all readers to beat X17's headline for this one. I don't feel it's possible. [X17]

Sienna Miller left her pants at the Factory Girl premiere. [ICYDK]

You always knew Paris Hilton was a racist bitch, but thankfully we now have it all on tape. [WWTDD]

Pete Doherty takes his eight millionth shot at getting sober. If this guy were a stock, I'd short it. [Cele|bitchy]

Brandy is slapped with a $50 million suit by the parents of the woman she killed in a traffic accident late last year. [Bossip]

Jennifer Lopez isn't a Scientologist, she just throws them her support when they're boosting her career. [Celebslam]