Will Frenchie Davis Get Another Shot at Idol?

The racy pictures [NSFW] of American Idol contestant Antonella Barba, which have been circulating the Internet en masse the past couple of weeks, have ignited quite a firestorm. Remember Frenchie Davis? She was the season two front-runner who was booted from the show when sexy pictures of her were found on an adult website. Davis, who is overweight and black and incredibly talented, claimed she told the producers about the pictures when she first auditioned for the show, but they kicked her off anyway. Meanwhile, Antonella, who is thin and white and not talented -- at least not vocally (although "orally" is a different discussion) -- remains on the show despite the pictures. The situation is racist, claim some fans, and "weightist," according to Rosie O'Donnell.

"I think it's fantastic if Idol has evolved and I think it's fantastic she won't have to go through what I went through four years ago," Davis told the New York Post. "But if the rules have changed, I believe there should be something to make up for the fact that I was humiliated needlessly."

Now, in fairness, there is a clear difference between these sets of photos. Antonella's photos were taken privately, by her boyfriend, and intended for their eyes only. The fact that they leaked is (probably) not her fault. Davis, on the other hand, worked as a paid model, accepting money to pose for photos that she knew would end up on the Internet. Do I, personally, find either of these actions morally reprehensible and/or grounds for dismissal from a reality show? No. But some of Antonella's competitors reportedly feel different -- rumor has it that the more religious faction of the Idol contestant set is disturbed and disgusted by Barba's photos, and hopes she is sent home soon.

Meanwhile, a group called Friends of Frenchie Davis, led by civil-rights activist Najee Ali, is protesting today at the Kodak Theater, where the show films, hoping to raise public awareness of this "double-standard." Says Davis: "It's unbelievable that such movement is being made for me without me having to say a word." The end goal of this protest -- or so says the rumor mill -- is to encourage the Idol producers to give Frenchie, who currently appears in Rent on Broadway, another shot on Idol this season. This should be fun. I can't wait for the pictures.

Did Kellie Pickler Have a Boob Job?

Kellie on Season 5 of American Idol

Kellie Last Night

Yes. Yes, she did. That is not a push-up bra, that is not weight gain (although she did gain weight). That, my friends, is what we in the business call "breast implants." I liked you better when you were less manufactured, Kellie, and I mean that both literally and figuratively.

I Liked This Girl

We're LIVE (on my West Coast Tivo) for American Idol!!

The first eight minutes are a recap. That's brutal.

Then they all come out singing "Joy to the World?" Lord, do they hate us? This was a bad song when it came out. It was a bad song the day after. It's a bad song now too and the Idol kids aren't making it any better. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me. There, now it's in your head too.

Next up, elimination time. The guys are on the spot. Chris Sligh and Sundance Head are going to be back for more. Blake the beatboxer is safe. Seacrest brings the tall guy, Jared, down to the floor but then tells him he's safe. Oh Seacrest, you and your little games.

Then, without warning, Nick is going home! Who is Nick? I don't remember him. Hmmm, maybe that's why he's headed home. All the judges tell him he shouldn't kill himself. Yet. He sings "Fever." Whatever.

It's the girls' time to fret. Stephanie (Beyonce) is safe. Gina is safe. Sabrina is safe. The little sparkplug Melinda is safe. Alaina is going home! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Sigh. I found her very cute and perhaps even a little clever. Time for her to sing us out. Oh no, she's breaking up captain, we've got tears. PAINFUL. SHE CAN'T SING THROUGH THE TEARS!!!

Oh wow. I really am in pain. The background singers chime in, but it's all silence from her, she's just hugging all her fellow gals who have joined her on stage to save her. So BRUTAL. She starts singing again. American Idol, you fuckers. I knew this would happen eventually, how can you ask someone to sing after you've shattered them? Plus, why make them sing the song that got them booted? Yikes, thank God that is over.

The guy who won 10k from the Idol cell phone scam looks like he escaped from the zoo.

PICKLER time! She has short hair and a boob job. Is it a crazy style bra? Moving on. Wow, she looks way different. We've determined that she either had work done or she's gotten fatter. She's also doing a comedy bit with Ryan about sushi. This is bad news, she's been produced and destroyed. Poor Pickler. The real her didn't survive, plus, based on her singing, she'd be about 17th this year.

Guy death time. Got to be Sanjaya right? He's got an odd asexual weirdo jacko vibe going. I'm convinced with the right producer they could make something of him. He's too strange to not be famous. But wait, AJ Tabaldo gets the boot! The human chia pet is down, and he shares a strange hug with Sanjaya. Hey wait a sec, I know what's going on here, his last name is Tabaldo. Idol hates Latinos right?

Okay, final death of the evening. Will the hooker go home? With her pouty lips and her photogenic smile? Let's see. Antonella, Jordin, and Leslie step to the front of the stage. Antonella is safe. Leslie is going home. Crap. She was my other favorite, I kid you not. Why do voters not like the quirky people? Leslie was a little off, and I liked that. Gina is balling, clearly she was buds with Leslie.

I'm now a man without an Idol. I don't know where to put my allegiance. I'm a free agent.

I think I'm throwing in with Sanjaya because I get this awful feeling that if he loses his life will take a turn where he will EAT people after he murders them.

Crap, I'm now resorting to caps for punchlines.

Time to go to bed.

AmIdol Recap: Top 10 Girls

We're back. Top ten girls. Randy's in another one of those never-to-be-worn-on-television patterned shirts. Which is forgivable in comparison to Ryan, who is wearing lavender.

Gina Glocksen. We're still dedicating, and this one goes out to her boyfriend. "Alone." I'm not loving the beginning, but she kicks it up toward the end. She's a little off on a few of the notes, but I like her. She's got spunk. She's wearing this red prom dress she got at Forever 21, and it doesn't really fit the song, let alone her, but whatever. I think there's a guitar pick on her charm necklace, and that's cool. Everyone liked her, but Simon thought her vocals were forced at the end. He mentions that her outfit doesn't fit the song. I should judge this show.

Alaina Alexander. Dedicated to robots! No, her mom. These people are so predictable. "Not Ready to Make Nice," which is risky because this song gets so much radio play these days. But I have to hand it to this girl: she rocks this shit out ... at first. Vocally a little shaky at the end, but I like her, too. She got the memo from the Oscars about no necklaces. Randy hated the vocals. Paula says it was shaky but not as bad as Randy said. Simon mentions that she ran out of steam.

LaKisha Jones is wearing the costume you put on when you have to be at a Halloween party in twenty minutes and you forgot to buy an actual costume. I call it "slutty pumpkin." It's this bright orange shirt and short dark denim skirt, with leopard-print shoes. It's possible the shirt is actually red in person, but these people need to check their outfits on camera first. Dedicated to her grandmother, who I cannot freakin' believe is nearly 90 years old. Honestly, she doesn't look a day over 65. I work with people who look older than this woman. "Midnight Train to Georgia." This girl has hands-down the best voice in this competition, she makes it seem effortless, and she's a great performer to boot. Everyone liked her. Paula's sober. Bummer. Simon didn't like her outfit. Oh, Simon calls the shirt "orange," so I guess that's what it is. Ryan calls it "salmon," and it's embarrassing for him primarily because a straight man would never use that word to describe anything but a fish, and also because that shirt is definitely not salmon.

Melinda Doolittle. Aw, dedicated to her two best friends, which is way better than dedicating to a boyfriend. It's not robots, but so far she wins my vote for best dedication. "My Funny Valentine." It's a great song for showing off her voice. She has an incredible range, and her voice is very mature. Man, I really like her, too. I like a lot of the girls this season. I don't even have anything mean to say about her clothes. Randy loved her. Paula thinks she's "out of this world." Simon thought it was "incredible." Simon's like, "We've had some precocious little monsters on this show," in praise of Melinda's low-ego approach, but someone needs to start a band called Precocious Little Monsters. A band or a Montessori.

Antonella Barba. Dressed for her Austin Powers: The Spy Whose Dick I Sucked audition. Dedicated to her brother, who is totally adorable. "Because You Loved Me." We're three notes in. This will not end well. This song is so much bigger than her. Honestly, she's about 500 times better than she was last week, but this girl shouldn't even dream of pitting her voice against Celine Dion's. Randy starts with "On the positive side, you are drop-dead gorgeous." That's a bad sign. "That song was completely the wrong song, way too big for you." Paula mentions she was way better than last week. Simon thinks she was worse than last week, which I'd disagree with.

Jordin Sparks. Also to her brother. Copy-cat. "Reflection," like the one from Mulan. I was scared for her at first, because Christina Aguilera's a tough act to follow, but she pulls it off. She got the no-necklace memo. Yeah, she does a great job with a very difficult song. She's crying after watching the film piece about her brother. Holy shit, I forgot she was 17. Randy mentions it as he praises her. Paula loves her. Simon thought it was "excellent."

Ryan mentions that Kellie Pickler will perform on the results show tomorrow. "She's always fun," he says, "and candid," which is probably the best euphemism ever for the way Kellie Pickler speaks.

Stephanie Edwards, who I have to admit I don't even remember from last week, for whatever that's worth. Dedicated to mom and dad. "Dangerously in Love." She actually sounds a lot like Beyonce, now that I pay attention to it. I don't know if this is a good song choice, just because it's not particularly melodic. It's more chant-y. It doesn't really show off a voice. She does an incredible run toward the end, but it's just not a performance I'll remember tomorrow. She also got her dress at Forever 21. But no necklace. Randy mentions that she sounded exactly like Beyonce, and he thinks she needs to be more original. Paula thought she was brilliant. Simon loved it. Randy, embarrassed to have been disagreed with, quickly mentions that he's worked with Beyonce. Paula falls over in exasperation. Heh.

Leslie Hunt, to her late grandfather. She has this really low speaking voice with a kinda stoner-cool edge to it (not that drugs are cool, kids). In her film clip, she's wearing the same necklace she wore to perform last week. It's a cool necklace, but you gotta be cognizant of these things, dear. "Feelin' Good," which, um, A.J. Tabaldo sang last night, so this is weird. I really liked her last week, but she's not doing it for me this week. She tries scatting at the end, which, um, Blake Lewis did last night, too, and which she doesn't do nearly as well as he does. Randy thought it was pitchy, which it was. Paula liked it. Simon's like "I know why you loved her," to Paula, then, to Leslie, "because, that bit at the end, you sounded like Paula talking." I wonder how long Simon's been sitting on that joke.

Hayley Scarnato, who's another one I don't remember from last week. Dedicated to her fiance, who's super hot. "Queen of the Night." She does a respectable job with the song, but, again, I won't remember this girl tomorrow. Randy wasn't impressed. Paula thought she was way better than last week. Simon gives her an A for effort, but wasn't too impressed vocally. Hayley looks like she's going to cry. Then she cries. Oh, poor baby.

Sabrina Sloan. Dedicated to her grandmother. It's actually a very sweet dedication. "All the Man I Need." She looks gorgeous. She does a killer job with the song, too. I like her. She's on my A+ list. Oh shit, and she turns around to thank the band when she's done. I don't think I've ever seen a contestant do that. Very classy of her. Randy and Paula love her. Simon thought it was the wrong song, but thinks she'll stick around another week.

So my money's on Leslie Hunt to go home, and probably Alaina Alexander, too, but maybe Hayley Scarnato. Vocally Antonella should go home, but you know that girl is stickin' around. Results tomorrow.

AmIdol Recap: Top 10 Boys

Tonight is all about the top ten men. Ryan Seacrest (vest check comes up negative) kicks things off by being the bigger man (perhaps the only context in which this is true), by congratulating Jennifer Hudson on her Oscar win, even though she failed to thank AmIdol in her speech. (Side note: I did a Google blogsearch for "Jennifer Hudson thank American Idol" to confirm that she did indeed snub them, and was asked by Google if I meant to query "Jennifer Hudson tank American Idol.") Ryan introduces the guys, then says hello to the girls in the pit. Antonella Barba is there, fully clothed and without a cock in her mouth, so that's nice.

The contestants have been asked to dedicate their performances to the "people who inspire them." You know, so that we can do things like thank the troops. And Phil Stacey wastes no time in doing that. He's dedicating his performance to his Navy command back home. He's singing "Missing You," and doing it quite well, although unremarkably. They recast Chris Daughtrey this season. Like when Sarah Chalke was New Becky. He's New Chris Daughtrey. Randy loved it. Paula -- who may be drunk tonight!! yay!!! -- loved it. Simon's not too excited, because, you know, it wasn't too exciting.

Coca-Cola Red Room. Ryan asks Sundance what people were talking about over the weekend, after being featured on the show. "Antonella Barba," he responds, "and that dick she sucked." Except, much to my dismay, he says something else.

Jared Cotter is dedicating his performance to his mom and dad. I have this feeling we're just going to alternate between the troops and family members, as far as dedication goes. I hope someone dedicates their performance to the memory of Anna Nicole Smith. Or, like, robots. Singing "Let's Get it On." Vocally he's just fine, with some weakness on the higher notes. He really is a great-looking kid. It was a good performance, but this song just has to be oozing with sex, and I don't know if he brought that.

I think Paula's drunk tonight. Happy dance! Oh, yes, she's definitely drunk. "That's the kind of song that you don't have to push ... on ... well, no pun intended," she says, then starts cracking up. Simon, realizing we are dangerously close to Paula describing the benefits of girl-on-top sex on live family television, cuts her off entirely. Because, you know, she's drunk. YAY!!

"And the things we've all done to that song," says Ryan, because we are eighteen minutes into the show and have abandoned any sense of decorum.

A.J. Tabaldo. Mom and dad. And ROBOTS! No. Just mom and dad. "Feelin' Good." Vest check comes up positive, with the oddest green collared shirt beneath it (with the sleeves rolled up), and then a black undershirt beneath that. Like, "I'll kick yo ass, right after I bring this gentleman his truffle." The boys are much, much better so far tonight. Blows a high note, and his second-to-last run is a little flat, but in general it's a good performance. Everyone, including Simon, says nice things about him.

Sanjaya Malakar. Dedicating his performance tonight to weed. And his late grandfather. "Steppin' Out with My Baby." He's wearing this top hat, which I think is supposed to match the jazzy nature of the song, but coupled with his dark skin and soft voice, he's a dead ringer for Michael Jackson right now. He is horribly uncomfortable on stage, his voice is mediocre at best, and this is painful to watch. The judges didn't like him. The audience boos half-heartedly. You know, it's possible Paula is not drunk, but rather just hungover. I'm getting more of a hangover vibe from her. It's the way the words catch in her throat.

Chris Sligh. Dedicated to his wife, Sarah, who is about 100 times hotter than he is. He points this out himself. Singing "Trouble," which is a really cute song to sing after that dedication, actually. Vocally, though, he is really not impressing me. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon liked it. His wife is adorable.

Nick Pedro. To his girlfriend. Awww. "You Give Me Fever," and in the middle they cut to a shot of the drummer hitting the cymbals, then giving the camera a "how'd ya like that?" look, and it's easily the most interesting part of this segment. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon mentions that he lacked charisma. "I thought the drummer was very good," he adds. Ha. Nick makes his own "Vote for Pedro" call, which was funnier when Ryan made it last week and it, you know, hadn't been done last week.

Blake Lewis. Mom and dad. And robots? No. No, not robots. "Virtual Insanity." Oh Jesus, some girl in the audience is wearing a shirt with a pin-up silhouette graphic and the words "Blaker girl," which might awesome if it said "Blaker chick." I like Blake. This is a risky song choice, and he's making it work, even inserting his own beat-boxing and scatting in there. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was copy-cat and vocally weak. And now the strangest thing happens. Blake says "vocal entendres" and pronounces the "s" sound, which is wrong, as is the entire use of that word in this context, but Blake pronounces the final "e" sound correctly, as a short vowel. "Vocal entendree?" says Ryan, as though Blake had pronounced a long e sound. He then makes fun of Blake for saying "vocal entendree," although Blake didn't say that, and then pronounces the word correctly, because he's an ass. I have to stop watching this show. It makes my head explode.

Brandon Rogers. To his late grandmother, the robot. "Time After Time." Did someone besides Cyndi Lauper sing this? Because this is a very different take on it. I'm totally digging it. He rocks the little riff toward the end. Randy didn't think it showed him off vocally. Paula -- I'm officially going with "really hungover" as her diagnosis for tonight -- liked it. Simon thinks he needs to make a bigger impact. Brandon's like "By the way, it's my dad's birthday today," and Simon's like, "Brandon, it's my mom's birthday in November." I laughed out loud. "And I love puppies," adds Simon. Sigh. I love Simon. He's looking at Ryan like, "See? That's how you do funny."

Chris Richardson. Grandma back in Virginia, who's still alive, and pretty darn adorable in pictures. "Geek in the Pink." Shit. This is the first Jason Mraz I've ever heard on the show, and he gets mad points from me just for trying. Unfortunately, Jason Mraz songs have this quality of Jason Mraz-ness, and it's hard for someone else to pull them off. He does quite well, but he's no M-R-A-Z. Randy thought it was better than the original, so I go back to listen again. I disagree, although he did do quite well. Oh my God. So something happens that moves Paula to put a pink Valentine heart on Simon's chest. But, see, it's a heart with another heart overlaid on the upper right-hand corner of the existing heart, and when the camera moves back, away from the details of it, it looks like a cock and balls. If someone has a screen shot, kindly send it along. "Well, you've been invaluable tonight, Paula," says Simon, as he removes the heart and tells Chris that he was awesome tonight.

Sundance Head. Dedicated to his robot son Levy. Oh, he chokes up on camera because he's bummed that he's missing all these milestones in his baby's life. That was cute. "Mustang Sally." He does a nice job with the song. I like Sundance. Randy loved it. So did Paula. So did Simon.

So, Sanjaya should have gone home last week, and, if he doesn't go home this week, I'm just confused. None of the other guys were particularly bad this week, but if I were choosing, I'd send Nick Pedro home with him.

No He Didn't

So The Beet will cover AI in all of its homo-tastic glory but seriously Simon Cowell just called out Ryan totally gaying it up.

Here is their verbal intercourse discussing Nick Pedro's outfit.

Ryan:
"What would you dress him up in, just so he has some guidance"

Simon:
"I'm not a stylist"

Ryan:
"A black shirt maybe something tight snug, rub a little of the chest" (as he rubs his chest)

Simon:
"Lets just calm this one down a bit Ryan"

Now I know they were trying to reference Simon oddly rubbing his chest during the auditions but Simon's smirk tonight said it all. Let the games begin Simon loves to call Ryan out and I love it.

Antonella's BFF Talks About the Dirty Pictures She Leaked on the Internet

Except Amanda Colluccio is still sticking with that whole "I had nothing to do with it" line. Read the full interview here, but here are the highlights.

"They were meant to be seen by one person and one person only," Coluccio said at her Holmdel home. "The really bad ones aren't her. I've studied them. It's not her nose. She's never had (acrylic nail) tips in her life. She's the least slutty person I know."

Coluccio, who speaks with Barba daily, says they believe someone from Catholic University broke into her computer and posted the pictures."She's been crying. She's horrified," Coluccio says. "She's most upset about what her parents think."

"'We both went to fulfill a dream but were made into characters," she said. "'American Idol' is the fakest show on TV. We're so real and down-to-earth, and I wish people could see that."


Check out more of the pictures in question here and here.

She's Not That Innocent

Ok, so this is just getting ridiculous. Antonella "Blowjob" Barba will be kicked off "American Idol" very soon...just my prediction.

This girl loves to have people take naughty pictures of her. This isn't no normal trashy drunk Jersey girl having a few too many on Spring Break...these photos just keep coming. A lot of these look like Antonella was trying to get herself a spread in Playboy.

I promise you that this girl will be in the porn world very quick. She's the #1 search on the internet right now and "someone" just posted a whole website of Antonella photos called AntontellaBarbaPix.com

Some of these photo shoots are so weird. I think she is naked in a fountain at some kind of monument. How or why she did this remains to be seen. The girl is a total exhibitionist of Paris Hilton proportions. If poor Frenchie got kicked off for her naked pix this girl should get the boot pronto.

At least she's hot. That is really all this poor girl has going for her.




Ed Update: POTP just pointed out that, in the first shot, she's reproducing the Jessica Simpson Rolling Stone cover. Good catch over there, Joy!




Ed Update 2: HOLY SHIT. That last one? Guys? The last one there? That's the WORLD WAR II Memorial. I am not fucking kidding you. CLASSY!

Sucks to Be Antonella Barba

Oh my God I am a headline genius.

Thanks to an anonymous commenter for tracking down the uncensored versions of these pics. Click to see everything.

Some of you may say that I am exploiting the youthful mistakes of an otherwise decent young woman for my own gain. And, in that regard, you are correct. I'm the kind of person who does things like that, and I've made my peace with it.

But I'd like to add that I also hope to send a message to all the world's young women: don't fucking do this shit, girls. I cannot stress this enough. It may seem fun and sexy and exciting at the time, and maybe you think that he will definitely ask you to be his girlfriend if you're cool enough to let him do this, and I know you're absolutely sure you can trust this dude, because he is such a great guy and he will never ever let anyone else see these pictures, let alone upload the high-res versions to a publicly accessible file-sharing server, but guess what? He would. What's that you say? He'd would never do that? GUESS WHAT? HE WOULD. Because eventually he will get drunk or you will leave him for his best friend or he will just turn out to be a huge asshole and probably all three. And then the pictures will be on the Internet when you achieve some measure of semi-fame and that will suck hardcore. Pun intended.

So if you're over eighteen and you have a consenting adult partner, give all the head you want. Go for it. Give head everywhere. In Chinese restaurant bathrooms, in his parent's bedroom, in the back of your roommate's Suburban, in parking lots and on baseball fields and at amusement parks. Give head constantly. But do not -- DO NOT -- ever fucking let anyone take a picture of you doing it. Don't let Antonella's utter humiliation be in vain! Learn something from this, girls! Please.











Thanks again to IDLYITW for bringing these to my attention.

Antonella Barba Sucks Cock

Re-read the headline. It's a statement I would have made and stood by regardless, but I would have meant it in regards to her vocal ability. How that little hooker squeaked through last night is a mystery to me, but I actually don't mind if shit like this is going to keep popping up, because it cracks me up. Someone emailed the kids at IDLYITW with these photos. Is this Antonella? You make the call. I've posted her AmIdol publicity shot, and these pictures of a very similar-looking young woman performing fellatio on a man who might want to think about doing some sit-ups. It sure does look like her, buck teeth and all.

Perhaps the new Idol Camp could add a "Masters Class" on this shit.




Update: Uncensored versions now here.

My Idol Recap

I'll never be as good as the Beet but I feel obligated to satiate your potent Idol thirst.

Chris Sligh says his comments weren't meant as disrespectful. I get what he's saying, going after Simon's producing credits is meant more as a love note. Idiot.

So they got rid the Asian, that's poor form, and Antonella seemed to know she was done, she had that glazed look in her eye, and yet she survived.

Amy got eliminated. Was she on the show? Oh yeah, the "I can't make you love me" girl. That's one of the worst songs ever, especially for stalkers. You CAN make someone love you, keep that dream alive.

Which of these things is not like the other? Kelly Clarkson. Carrie Underwood. Fantasia Barrino. The good news is after she's done doing Broadway she can finally get back to writing novels (which has always been her real strength).

Alaina is safe! I don't know why, but I'm crushing. Nicole goes home which is good. I had an ex named Nicole.

Rudy gets thrown off and Paula says "I think Rudy has one of the best vocals." She clearly didn't watch the show or ever speak English.

Oh no, Paul Kim said this was his last shot at music!! What about the shower bud?

I've always admired the fact that the departees sing because I'd throw my microphone down and say "fuck y'all, I ain't your dancin' monkey." Clearly I'd be really southern in my version. Rudy doesn't even get to finish his song on my TiVo version. Don't worry man, call me and I'll have you over to sing the last minute for me and my friends. I'll even throw ya a $20 for your trouble.

The kid mauls "Free Ride" (again) and our 2.5 hour Idol journey is mercifully over for the week. Boo to the yeah.

Idol Wear 2007

So I was doing some fun Googling of my favorite AI contestants and I stumbled upon some funny stuff on CafePress.com...IDOL WEAR! Every year each Idol gets some very cheesy "vote for me" slogans and this year is no exception. Go to the website and search for your favorite Idol wear. Here is a smattering of the cheese that is America's most popular TV show.






I really hope you understood the whole dude dancing in a sun is Sundance Head.

Am Idol Recap: Top 12 Girls

Our show tonight begins with ten minutes of filler and recap. TiVo, TiVo, TiVo. At least Ryan is dressed like a normal human being tonight. Paula is sober again. Bummer.

Up first, Stephanie Edwards. "How Come You Don't Call Me." Alicia Keys is risky, but she's up to the task. Ten seconds in, and she's already better than any of the guys from last night. Forty seconds in, and she hits the high note. She emphasizes the "down on my knees" line by actually getting down on her knees, which is normally a surefire way to make oneself look like a huge ass, but it works here. Yeah. This was 100 times better than any of the performances from last night. Paula is doing her baby seal clap. Why does she clap like that? Paula is five years old. The judges liked it. Ha. Simon says it was "a million times better than any performance we saw last night." Simon would be lost without hyperbole. Stephanie looks really happy, and it's very cute. Ryan talks.

We're back in the Red Room. Conversation is awkward. While I think the girls are probably more talented in general than the guys this season, they comment that watching the guys get ripped to shreds last night encouraged them to do better tonight, and that's probably true.

Amy Krebs. "I Can't Make You Love Me." Man, these kids plucked out from the middle of nowhere sure are awfully good at following the camera. She blows the little run at the end, but in general it's a solid performance vocally. Randy thought it was too safe, which is true. Paula agrees. Okay, maybe Paula is a little bit high. But not too bad. Simon says she's uninteresting. Ryan. Oh, my God, he comes up to her shoulder. In his defense, she's wearing really high heels, but it looks ridiculous.

Leslie Hunt. "Natural Woman." Singing, singing, singing ... she reminds me of someone ... holy shit. It's Tiffany. From malls. She is the reincarnation of Tiffany. She's peppy, she's fun to watch -- ooh, I have her necklace, but in gold -- she isn't amazing vocally, but she's having a blast, and I'm digging her. It's a very Mickey Mouse Club sort of emoting. I think that's why I like her. After covering BritneyWatch for the past couple months, and especially the past couple weeks, she takes me back to a simpler, happier time, when our pop idols sang and danced and smiled brightly on stage, rather than on tables at Hyde. You know, if they're gonna keep cutting to the background singers, the one on the left should stop sticking her finger in her ear. Randy thought it was "just okay." Paula thinks she did a great job. Simon's not impressed. He thinks she's out of her comfort zone, and seems awkward on stage. Maybe that's why I get the Mickey Mouse Club vibe from her.

Oh Jesus. Randy's going to do the Dog Pound thing again this year. I'd hoped we'd moved past that era.

Sabrina Sloan. "I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You)." She kills the vocals. She does like six different runs and nails each one. Randy loved her. So did Paula. Seal clap. Ooh, I get it! Paula claps like that because it pushes her breasts together. That's actually a good idea. I may start doing that. Simon basically performs cunnilingus on her. And, to top off a fabulous performance, she's shorter than Ryan! Her nose is kind of like a beak, but, aside from that, she's great.

Antonella Barba. She of the potty pictures. "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." She sucks the whole way through. Sucks hardcore. It's boring, it's flat -- ha, they cut to her parents looking very concerned and whispering to one another. Man, this is really bad. Like worse than any of the performances from last night, even. She actually bails on the belted high note on "rest of time" and decides to bring it down an octave. That was probably smart. Ha ha! Randy's like "What do you think I'm gonna say right now?" She thinks it may have been her nerves. Randy said she sucked. Paula says it "wasn't bad" and Randy shakes his head. Paula says she's a beautiful girl. Simon's all like "the good news is you're attractive," and he doesn't think she'll make it through to next week. Ryan hates Simon, Simon hates Ryan.

Jordin Sparks. Reppin' AZ, baby!!! "Give Me One Reason." Starts off decent, but she rocks it out in the last 20 seconds or so. Follows the camera like a pro. They must have a class on that. Judges liked her. She's a bigger girl, although not fat, but she's like twice the width of Ryan, and half a head taller. I don't know which of them I'm more embarrassed for.

Nicole Tranquillo. "Stay." No, not that one, the Chaka Khan one. I start off bored with her, and then she grows on me. She's a very aggressive performer, and at first it just seems like she's just making funny faces, but she has the voice to back it up, so I can get behind this. Randy didn't like it at all. Paula loved it. Simon thought is was "indulgent" and "aggressive." Wow. I've never heard Simon use the word "aggressive" like that before, so I feel kind of special that I typed that before he said it. We are on the same wavelength. He thought it looked fake and over-rehearsed. Ryan is taller than she is.

Hayley Scarnato. "It's All Coming Back to Me Now." Celine Dion is probably the worst female singer to cover on this show, after Aretha. Hayley falls ridiculously short. After five years of this, how do these people not know this? Like, generally, if someone is considered one of the greatest singers of her generation, it's probably not a good idea to show up and do one of her all-time hits. Because odds are you're not going to do it as well. Randy thought it was "just okay." Paula thinks she did a "nice job." Simon thought she "sounded forty." She and Ryan are the same height. Aren't you glad I'm keeping tabs on this?

Melinda Doolittle. "Since You've Been Gone." No, not that one, the Aretha Franklin one. And, in stark contrast to Hayley, she totally pulls it off. She's amazing and I love her. And she's wearing really remarkable base. Her skin looks great. I want to know what brand that is. Judges love her because she rocked. Simon is way nice to her. Ryan is taller by a quarter-head.

Alaina Alexander. "Brass in Pocket." I love this song. She must hate it. Because she is being mean to it. Ha, she totally emphasizes "eee-magination." Which is good because when I was younger my friends and I thought that line was "vagination." Like, "gonna use my vagination." And with the viewership this show gets, it is totally possible we could have a whole generation of 13-year-old girls like, "Did you get past second base with him?" "Yeah, I totally used my vagination on him." I'm glad she was careful with that. It is the only thing she was careful with. Because she's not being very meticulous about, say, singing the right notes. Randy and Paula are unimpressed. Simon is mean. Ha, cut to Antonella in the Coca Cola room making an incredulous and angry face. The fact that Antonella could think that was a good performance explains a lot about her own. Cut to her parents. Her father looks exactly like Odo from Deep Space Nine, which I'm sure makes Rene Auberjonois really jealous after sitting in four hours of make-up each day for seven seasons. Ryan is taller and being nice to her. Simon's all like, "Are you trying to date this girl?" and Ryan's caught off-guard for the first time this season. He stutters for a bit, then he's like "That doesn't even deserve a response." That was weird.

Gina Glocksen. "All By Myself." Aw, her mother (grandmother?) is crying already. She's kind of boring but decent. Totally fucks up the first high note, then rocks the second and the third. Randy thought it was decent. Paula liked it. Simon wasn't too impressed, but he's not too mean. Ryan's just a little bit smaller than her. Someone needs to talk to her about her eyeshadow. When Jamie Lee Curtis told Anna Chlumsky that there's no such thing as too much blue eyeshadow in My Girl, no one footnoted that with the fact that Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite and has no idea what she's talking about, and I feel like a whole generation of women is still paying the price.

LaKisha Jones. "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." Ha ha, her eyes get really big toward the end and it's kind of scary, but other than that she killed this song. Very impressive. Randy's turn to perform cunnilingus. Paula likes her. Simon loves her and pegs her as the front-runner at this point. Ryan is way taller than she is. Aw, it's her daughter's birthday today!

Everyone agrees that the girls kicked the boys' asses tonight.

So we're saying goodbye to Alaina and Antonella tomorrow night.

My American Idol

Ok tonight I was impressed by Jordin, Melinda, Lakisha, and my personal favorite Sabina Sloan!

Some girls really tried to hard or picked really stupid songs. I have no idea what Nicole Tranquillo was doing I guess it was vocally difficult but seemed like she was faking her way through it.

I agree with Randy that this year the girls really are wayyyy more talented than the boys. If there is a year to put more girls into the Top 12...this is the year to do it.

The Beet will give you a better overview of the show. I just needed to get a shout out to SABRINA!!!!! It is really funny right now Fox 5 is doing a special on Antonella Barbara and her "dirty side." Awesome, way to kill her chances Fox News.

Am Idol Recap

I hate to be one of those annoying people who feels the needs to liveblog every single episode of American Idol. So ... I'll probably only do the singing shows and not the results shows. Probably. We'll see.

Okay.

So, to start, Ryan chats up the judges. He is wearing the strangest little vest. He looks like a monkey. I think he's lost weight, which he really can't afford to be doing. Blah blah blah filler. He mentions the successes of some AmIdol contestants: an Oscar nod for Jen Hudson, a hit single for Chris Daughtry, three Grammys for ... Carrie Underwood. No mention at all of Kelly Clarkson or her Grammys. They hate her because she's (wisely) distanced herself from the show. Paula may or may not be sober. Not sure yet.

Ryan introduces the guys, who will be singing tonight. Now a recap of the audition process. I have no idea how anyone watches this show without TiVo. It's gotta be painful.

Up first is Rudy Cardenas, singing "Free Ride." He's a respectable performer, but I hadn't realized this was foreign language night. Seriously, if this guy is singing in English, I can't tell. I can't make out a single word. Voice is decent, nothing special. He goes to the judges. Randy is not impressed. Paula is encouraging. I'm still torn on her sobriety. Simon thinks he's not unique. Which is true. Ryan comes back up in his monkey vest. Filler filler 'mercial.

We're in the COCA-COLA room. Chris Sligh, totally the highlight of this show so far, talks about how all the guys are looking so pretty. "Well I'm glad you're on that couch," says Ryan, which is great because it's always cool to incorporate subtle homophobic comments into the number one show in the United States. Rock on, Ryan. The other contestants talk but bore me.

Brandon Rogers, the former back-up singer, is up next. He's singing Michael Jackson's "Rock with You." Jackson covers should be avoided at all costs on this show. He's charming on stage, and a better enunciator than his predecessor. He's aight. Randy is talking, but I've just noticed his shirt. I don't even know what that pattern is, but it's, like, one of those complicated floralesque patterns that should absolutely not be worn on camera. They tell him not to do so many runs now that he's not singing back up. Simon liked him okay. Ryan and his vest are asking dumb questions.

Sundance Head is up now. He's singing "Nights in White Satin." He's a much duller performer here than he was in the auditions, and not always entirely on key. Lots of stupid hand motions, but his feet stay planted. Every time he sings the "Yes, I love you" part, he sings it like, "Yes I love yohwww." Someone probably told him to use the "oh" sound instead of "ooh" when you have to hold the note a long time, which is usually a good idea, but he is way not pulling it off. You have to hold the "oh" part for awhile before you start on the "w" sounds. No one told him that. Randy notes that he was pitchy and not very interesting. Paula thinks he picked the wrong song. Man, Paula might be kind of sober. Simon thinks he kinda sucked. Ha! Simon mentioned the stupid arms, too. The arms were really stupid. Ryan and Vest and Stupid. Ryan says "self-massage" in some semi-appropriate context, but the audience laughs, because it's funny.

Paul Kim up now. I loved this kid in auditions, so I'm psyched for this. He's singing "Careless Whispers." By Wham! Funny already. Ironically, "careless whispers" describes his performance pretty well. He totally totally totally misses the high note. Misses it by a football field. Like he is here in Hollywood and that note is somewhere in Bismarck. Randy wasn't impressed, but likes his potential. I want to drug test Paula tonight. I just can't tell. Simon says stupid shit. Paula makes some unfathomably stupid comment about Simon's feet being smelly. Simon laughs the way you laugh at a small child who has just conjugated a verb incorrectly. Ryan talks about pedicures and pedicurists. Pick a sexuality, Ryan. I mean, at least pick one for your "host" character.

Chris Richardson. Singing "I Don't Wanna Be." He actually doesn't hit a single note. Not one. Really. But somehow Randy likes it. Randy, music producer extraordinaire, thinks this is an Edwin McCain song. Simon corrects him faster than you can say "Gavin DeGraw." Paula likes him just fine. Simon thought his voice sounded "small," and pointed out that it was a bad vocal. Okay, I just went back and listened to it again, in case I was crazy about him not being on key, since none of the judges pointed it out. And I'm sure of this. The kid missed damn near every single note.

Nick Pedro. "Now & Forever." He blows the high note, because I guess that's just what you do this week. Everything else is uninteresting. Randy notes this. Paula says the magic wasn't there. Simon didn't think it was that bad. Everyone cheers. Vocally it was probably the strongest so far, but that's not saying much. Ryan Seavest. Actually makes a very funny "Vote for Pedro" call. The thing about Ryan is you can tell, from time to time, that he's actually got some spark of comedic genius in him, but he has to hide it carefully on his show, lest he lose the significant portion of this audience that thinks it's funny when Paula tells Simon his feet smell.

Blake Lewis. "Somewhere Only We Know." Aw, his dad is in the audience mouthing the words along with him. He misses the high notes. Because that is how they roll around here. I just realized he looks exactly like this kid I knew in high school who got a full-color Spice Girls tattoo on his hip (yeah, he was gay). And that is all I think about throughout the rest of his performance, because it's boring. Randy kind of dug it. Paula talks. She thinks the high notes were "falsetto" rather than "bad." Simon thought he was modern. He notes that it was good that he didn't beat-box, and I agree. That was smart of him. Points there. Ryan Seavest.

Sanjaya Malakar. "Knocks Me Off My Feet." Hm. "There's something 'bout your love that makes me weak." Vocally, apparently. His voice is very small. How do they audition 8 million people and end up with these finalists? He's generally on key, but it is so completely unremarkable. Like this would be kind of good at a high-school play. Here it is very sad. Randy didn't think it was very good. Paula thinks he's a "sweet soul," which is as nice as her comments are going to get. Simon tears him a new asshole. Ryan Seavest wants Sanjaya to argue. This kid is not the arguin' type, Ryan. Blah blah blah.

I think Paula is sober. Her eyes look a little glazed, but she's not slurring, and she's making sense, by Paula standards.

Chris Sligh. I love him. "Can I Break the Spell of Typical." Man, that is a fucking ominous song title. Like, you have to rock that shit. And he pretty much does. The most interesting performance so far. Randy likes him, so does Paula. Simon wasn't impressed. Ryan Seavest actually looks monkey-sized standing next to Chris. They really don't look like the same species. This kid must be huge in person. Ryan hates Simon. Simon hates Ryan. I bet Ryan's actually a bigger pain in the ass to work with than Simon. Wait for the E! True Hollywood Story. You'll see.

Jared Cotter. "Back at One." Brian McKnight is another no-no, kids. Vocally he's pretty good. Actually I kind of like him. He's a great-looking kid, and very charming on stage. High note is flat. Because THAT IS HOW THEY ROLL. Randy thought it was alright. Paula agrees. Simon agrees. Thought he was nasal. Hm. I didn't think that at all. Ryan is dwarfed again. They should get him a box to stand on. Like Tom Cruise gets for photos with Katie.

A.J. Tabaldo. I don't remember him at all from the auditions. "All My Love." He's alright. Good performer. Solid voice. Paula is out of her seat and dancing. Randy talks, then Paula does. Yeah, Paula is sober. Simon says it was alright. No one has been amazing so far. Ryan and his monkey vest do their song and dance.

Phil Stacey. I hate to have been manipulated by the producers' storylines, but I'm rooting for him because his kid was born early while he was at the auditions. And he's in the Navy. Hooray for our troops! Awww, his wife and babies are there. "I Could Not Ask for More." Now that's Edwin McCain. He starts out really, really off, but then he kicks it up and totally rocks it out. Very Chris Daughtry. Very Chris Daughtry. Yeah, he rocks this shit out. His wife is glowing. It's adorable. Randy basically says exactly what I just said. So does Paula. So does Simon. I should judge this show. Simon actually brings up Chris Daughtry. Ryan looks at Phil's bald head and says "We're going with the Britney Spears haircut tonight." Awwwwww shit. Zing!

Ryan hates Simon. Simon hates Ryan.

They show the performance recaps. In retrospect, I was way too harsh on Rudy Cardenas, who actually did a great job in comparison to many of the others.

My prediction is we'll see Sanjaya go home. He didn't perform well, and I doubt he's managed to build up a fan base to save him. He's cute but without any of the non-threatening sex appeal. Chris Slight and Chris Daughtry Phil Stacey will come out on top, with honorable mentions for Jared Cotter and maybe A.J. Tabaldo.

In closing, I just used a million words to say what Lars summed up in like 20. These guys aren't very impressive singers. Hopefully the girls do better.

American Idol

Man, I am watching this and I can't help but notice that these guys aren't good at the "singing" part of the show.

Also something is seriously wrong with Paula. I don't know who keeps throwing her on stage but I'm guessing they have to use a firehose to get the stench of booze off. Her reaction time is seriously messed.

T, B... agree?

The Price of Fame

It's not the price you pay for fame, American Idol contestant Antonella Barba, it's the price paid by your chubby friend who has unwisely chosen to wear a bikini within 50 feet of a digital camera.

[via Derek Hail]

My American Idol

So I want the guy named Sundance Head to win. Mostly because he's named Sundance Head but also because he doesn't seem like a great singer. This could be his only shot.

American Idol...The Madness Begins

So American Idol has picked the Top 24 and now comes the fun part. I personally hate the stupid audition parts where they make fun of unfortunate people. It is funny but it gets really really old. The Top 24 are a very fun looking group. The guys are pretty cute and honestly I'm very impressed by the voices this year.

Here are some of my favorites that I think you should vote for next week!

Sanjaya Malakar: A 17 year-old cutie who is the first Indian to make it to the Top 24 on American Idol. He has a great voice and is adorable. I feel like he will start to come out of his shell and really stun the judges once the show gets rolling. Check out his MySpace here.

Jordin Sparks: This 17 is from the great state of Arizona which makes me love her already but she also has a kick-ass voice. She was already a winner on America's Most Talented Kids and she won the Arizona Idol competition as well. For more info on Jordin click here.

Sabrina Sloan: This girl has an amazing voice and has been a bit overlooked throughout the audition process. She is a Northwestern Musical Theatre Program graduate who has toured the country with Hairspray. Get ready to be wowed people...my prediction is that this girl goes to the Top 12. For Sabrina's MySpace click here.


Chris Richardson: 22 year-old Chris Richardson really is the hottie of the competition for me right now. The Justin Timberlake comparison aside, he really does have a solid voice and I am very excited to hear more of him. To check out his audition video click here.

And for a little bit more American Idol lovin, here is my favorite group audition from Tuesday.
Enjoy!

Late-Night Links

Heather Mills kicks the paparazzi's ass. Literally. [Ninja Dude]

David Arquette likes watching his wife make out with Jen Aniston. How is this news? [Glitterati]

Beyonce photo gallery. [Film.com]

In college, my friends and I used to play the Movie Title Game. One person comes up with a ridiculous scenario and/or ridiculous pairings of actors, and the other contestants determine the appropriately hilarious title for said film. David Spade is a grocery bagger at Ralph's? Paper or Spastic? Get it? Okay. So Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a hot-shot lawyer who decides to become an L.A. public defender. His partner? Janeane Garofalo. Go. [Pajiba]

Beyonce does the cover of Sports Illustrated. [Egotastic]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy got matching hair cuts, which is totally creepier than his new movie is going to be. [A Socialite's Life]

The set of Grey's Anatomy has returned to normal. They're getting into fistfights again. [Cele|bitchy]

American Idol claims another marriage. [PhillyBurbs]