The Price is Wrong, BITCH!

After 35 years hosting the game show, Bob Barker will retire from The Price is Right next June. "I will be 83 years old on December 12, and I've decided to retire while I'm still young," the beloved daytime personality told the Associated Press. "I'm just reaching the age where the constant effort to be there and do the show physically is a lot for me."

I'm not even going to try to find an original way to make the "price is wrong" joke here, since none of the 5000 bloggers who tried did very well with it anyway. Instead, I'm including this video of the Bob Barker scene in Happy Gilmore. You know the one.




I'll also link to a little montage the kids at College Humor put together awhile back, just to remind Barker what he's walking away from: the best bouncing boobs in the program's long history (or at least the portion of it available digitally). I just have to note that the girl with the HUGEST boobs in the SMALLEST shirt hails from my very own alma mater, Arizona State University.

GO SUN DEVILS!

And Another Thing...

A lucky garbage man finds 200 nude photos of Marcia Cross in her garbage and is planning to sell them to the highest bidder. Cross has hired a lawyer to get them back. Note to Marcia: a shredder would have been cheaper. [Hollywood Rag]

Mischa Barton and her boyfriend, Whitestarr frontman Cisco Adler, may be calling it quits. [Pop on the Pop]

Viacom Overlord Sumner Redstone puts his dentures back in for long enough to give us a few more soundbytes on why he kicked Tom Cruise to the curb. [Yeeeah!]

Courtney Love reveals that she was pursuaded to enter rehab through the efforts of none other than drunk driver extraordinaire Mel Gibson. The Kabbalah thing she picked up elsewhere. [Hollyscoop]

Brad Pitt learns of his half-naked appearance on a Vanity Fair cover along with the rest of the nation. [TMZ]

Kate Hudson's Ex is Moving On

Kate Hudson's soon-to-be ex-hubby, Strange Bearded Man (aka Chris Robinson), was spotted kissing a mystery brunette at LAX yesterday. I guess with all the news of Kate running around with Owen Wilson, Strange Bearded Man decided it was time he got a little nookie himself. Anyone know who this mystery woman is? Let us know!

Is Brandon Davis Still a Huge Tool?

Yes, yes he is.

Paris: What are you going to dress up as for Halloween, Brandon?

Brandon: Lohan's vagina.

Paris: Oh my god that is soooo funny.

Brandon: Totally. I know. I'm going to wear a big orange wig. Like a firecrotch. Except on my head. Get it?

Paris: You are, like, the most creative and witty person I know.

Brandon: Yeah. That's probably true.

Paris: Yeah.

It's Topher's Turn, Dammit!!!

First, Wilmer Valderamma got Lindsay Lohan (and, you know, everyone else with a vagina and something resembling a movie career). Then, Ashton Kutcher got Demi Moore. Finally, it's Chris "Topher" Grace's turn, as he is now rumored to be banging none other than Ivanka "Wharton Undergrad" Trump. Atta boy!

Ryan Did a Bad Bad Thing

Accoring to the "National Enquirer," Ryan Phillippe was caught sending suggestive emails to his sexy co-star in "Stop Loss," which he is filming in Morocco. Her picture is above and her name is Abbie Cornish, who is a sexy Austrialian blond actress. Evidently, Reese found these messages while she and Ryan were in New York for the "Flags of Their Fathers" premiere.

Reportedly, they have been having an affair that started the first day of filming. I hope this isn't true, but Hollywood hotties don't have the best track record.

Paris Admits She is a Tease...World Doesn't Believe Her.

I don't know why Paris has decided to publically come out and say she is not a slut over and over again. Maybe she just "cuddles" with all of the guys that she is reportedly "dating." At least Lindsay Lohan comes out and says she likes to sleep around. I respect her for that. I just have to say, if you make a sex tape when you are 19 years old and you continously are surrounded by hot dudes while intoxicated YOU ARE GETTING LAID...A LOT. Come on Paris. Nobody is going to believe you. Embrace the ho within.

Good Morning! Happy Kevin Federline Album Release Day!

I hear it's some other manner of holiday today, too, but, seriously, who cares if it's freakin' Christmas? The Kevin Federline album drops today! You can listen to Playing with Fire (the censored version) for free on AOL music now. You only have to stick around for two minutes to hear the very first usage of "California kush." God, weed is so cool.

I'll be honest: it's not a terrible rap album. It's not, guys. Sorry to disappoint. It's pretty unremarkable aside from the fact that it's Kevin Federline's, but it's not that bad. The album is largely centered on his bizarre rise to fame, and there are some great lines. On "America's Most Hated," he wonders, "Who told this bastard that he can't rap / I've got fifty mil / I can do whatever I want." And you know what? He's right. (I'll note that I've seen the last part of this line taken out of context in a variety of reviews, paired with a line that comes earlier, "All these model chicks wanna do me," implying that he's unfaithful to Britney. That's not what he said, guys, and if you're looking that hard for a reason to criticize, Federline won.)

Throughout the album, KFed is consistently straight-forward about who he is and why he's famous, and I give him credit for that. It's typically peppered with the obligatory references to driving fancy cars and drinking expensive liquor and smoking killer weed, but there are also plenty of references to Britney (who he always refers to only as "my wife"), and they're all really sweet. He mentions more than once how much he's in love with her, and I started to understand -- just for a minute -- how Brit fell for him.

Look, it's not a stellar album, and if he weren't married to Britney Spears, you'd never hear anything about it (primarily because it never would have been made). But the thing is, he knows that, and he's honest about it on his album. He gets points from me for that. It's totally mediocre, but it's not so awful as we'd imagined. I mean, have you ever actually listened to the lyrics in anything Gwen Stefani wrote? Playing with Fire is Pulitzer Prize material in comparison. Also, there's a hidden track. When was the last time an album had a hidden track? Dookie?

The hype surrounding the album hasn't seemed to help ticket sales for Federline's shows, as Page Six reports that his Cleveland show was canceled due to lack of interest, and his NYC show is likely to meet the same fate. But today -- and just today -- you're okay in my book, Kevin.

What Happened to Aaron Carter?

Seriously people, what happened to Aaron Carter? He used to be a cute little tween star who dated Hilary Duff and now, after watching an episode of "House of Carters" I am shocked. He looks strung out and is covered in tattoos. It is sad because he really has had a messed up home life.

I know that poor Aaron has been through a lot. In 2003, his mother and sister spoke out during the Michael Jackson hysteria and admitted that he had spent a night in the superstar's Neverland Ranch. They publicly wondered if anything had happened between the two. I bet that was a healthy thing for Aaron, you know, to deny he was MOLESTED by Michael Jackson because his mother brought it up in the media. Following this, he also severed ties with his mother when he claimed that she took $100,000 out of his bank account.

This site claims that during the height of his teen fame Aaron spent "$1,500 to $2,000 on drugs every month." This claim was substantiated by the National Enquirer who came out with the above picture of Aaron reportedly smoking pot when he was 15.

Then he proposes to his 22-year-old former-Playboy-model fiancee Kari Anne Peniche in Vegas and quickly takes it back. I hope Nick Carter is helping his little bro because his E! True Hollywood Story is on its way.

Picking up the Pieces: Whitney is BACK, Bitches!

Whitney Houston makes her first public appearance, newly sober and split from Bobby Brown, looking great. Let the comeback begin! [Celebrity Smack]

Michael Jackson moonwalks back onto our national radar, announcing plans to marry his children's nanny and make a rare public appearance at the World Music Awards in London. Everybody stay very quiet. Maybe he'll just go away. [Hollyscoop and Hollywood Backwash]

X17 has footage of Lindsay Lohan less than an hour before she was spotted screaming and crying in her vehicle after all-night partying. She leaves Paris Hilton's house with a pizza box covering her face, walks into her car (like, literally -- she runs right into it, with the pizza box obstructing her vision), then drives off. When the paparazzi are asking if you're okay to drive, maybe you should ask yourself the same question, Linds. [X17]

Live television is so much fun! Isn't that right, SNL? [Defamer]

It's cute when photogs decide they're going to stop bloggers from using their photos. [HGW]

Wanna Carve a Virtual Pumpkin?

So it is Halloween and you don't have a pumpkin but you still want the thrill of carving. Also, Halloween is on a Tuesday and you need a way to celebrate the holiday at work while dreaming of your childhood sitting around and gorging yourself with candy.

Since you are too old to trick or treat and being an adult is lame, carve yourself a virtual pumpkin.

Anna Nicole's Son's Body May Have to be Exhumed

In the comedy of errors that is the life of Anna Nicole Smith, we learn the model/reality TV star may have to exhume the body of her son Daniel from its burial place in the Bahamas. Anna may be deported from the Bahamas because she lied to the government to gain citizenship, so she'll have to unbury the son it took her 39 days to bury to take him with her to the U.S. Once she gets here, she will, I'm sure, have to face Larry Birkhead's paternity suit head-on. Since Anna's been boinking her old lawyer and got ditched by her most recent one, she'll have to find someone else willing to risk his reputation to defend her.

Let the Rumors Begin!

The rumors about the cause behind the Reese/Ryan split have already begun a-churnin'. Currently, we're being told that Ryan was carrying on an affair with a Vancouver waitress while filming a movie in Canada. To which we reply, "Ryan Phillippe still makes movies?"

Another One Bites the Dust

Young marriage doesn't seem to work for Hollywood. Ask Jamie Lynn Sigler, Jessica Simpson, Kate Hudson, and now, sadly Reese Witherspoon. After months of speculation by the tabloids and many whisperings of arguments between this golden couple, they have decided to formally separate. According to a statement made by their representative to TMZ, "We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."

Evidently the split isn't because of one specific thing but rather a "cumulative" series of problems. Maybe it is because he got loaded at her Golden Globes triumph. Maybe it is because he was emasculated by the fact that he was still "that hot guy from 'Cruel Intentions'" and she was an A-list Hollywood star.

All snarkiness aside, they have two beautiful children and it is sad that they couldn't make it work. Just last year when Reese won her Oscar she stated "I'm lucky to find a person to share my life, and the best friend I'll ever have...I don't think I can imagine a better guy than the one I've ended up with."

Sad.

Get It??? Get It????

Yeah, Bill Maher, we get it.

Madonna Has Put a Kabbalah Bracelet on Her Goddamn Infant

A Rough Night for Lindsay and Nicole

It's been a rough weekend for Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. Late last week, Richie checked into a treatment facility to determine "why she's not been putting on any weight." We in the gossip blogging community are proud to announce that we quickly helped her doctors solve that little mystery, because Richie was out and about on Saturday night, partying with Lohan.

Whatever Richie was ingesting that night (we've ruled out food) didn't sit well with her, because she passed out at Hollywood club Hyde around 2 am on Sunday. The club manager wanted to call an ambulance, but Richie's friends insisted they would take her to a hospital themselves, carrying the celebutante out the back door.

Lohan didn't fare much better. She was spotted sitting in her car at 6:45 Sunday morning, convinced that the paparazzi tailing her were trying to hit her car. She seemed "out of it" and looked as though she'd been crying. My guess is she wasn't driving to an early-morning mass after a good night's sleep.

All this comes as News of the World releases an exclusive interview with Lohan, in which she talks about her battle with anorexia and bulimia. She discusses a night in 2004, where she feared for her life at the house of then-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama. "I felt so sick," she said. "I lay down on the bed and started getting these shooting pains. I was screaming, throwing things, because the pains were so intense in my head." Regarding ex-boyfriend Harry Morton: "I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer." Ouch.

Joking aside, I hope Nicole and Lindsay become willing to take the actions they need to get healthy again. Come on, girls! Look at Courtney Love. You can still do strange, obnoxious, publicity-generating things -- and we'll still make fun of you -- just do them sober.

Weekend Round-Up

Rapper Snoop Dogg is arrested on suspicion of illegal drug and gun possession. At an airport. If he were smart like Paris Hilton, he'd keep his damn weed in his teddy bear when traveling. [CelebSlam]

With a Teen People camera crew following her, Brooke Hogan spends $900 at LF in NYC. After the cameras leave, she sends a flack to return most of it. [Page Six]

Aw, Mischa Barton is crying. That means she's hungry. [Celebrity Smack]

The extended trailer for the sixth season of 24 is online, so you can have some brand new imagery for your Jack Bauer fantasies. [Tabloid Whore]

Check out side-by-side pictures of Madonna in 1979 and daughter Lourdes this year. My guess is little David will not bear the same resemblance. [WOW Report]

Steve Irwin's widow is not happy that the guys from South Park are already poking fun at his death. [HGW]

Caffeine Will Kill You

There is an article today that I read about how bad energy drinks are for the youth of America. I'm not the biggest fan of the get up and go energy drink, even though I have been known to enjoy a few Sugar Free Redbulls. My poison usually is simply a vanilla latte from Starbucks or a couple Diet Cokes. One interesting thing that I gained from this article was a website called "Death by Caffeine." It is awesomely stupid. You put in your favorite form of caffeine, be it Red Bull, Coffee or our favorite, Cocaine. Then you put in your weight and press a button that says "Kill Me."

184.58 cans of Diet Coke will kill me.
106.64 cans of Red Bull will kill me.
30.47 cans of Cocaine will kill me.
141.25 cans of Budweiser B^E will kill me. (Um, this is questionable...4 vodka sodas and I won't remember how I got home.)

This website also has some interesting other tidbits of news, including some horror stories of what happens when you actually attempt to drink 20 cans of Redbull. I don't really think these energy drinks are so bad as the fact that people are just really stupid.

David Letterman vs. Bill O'Reilly

Round two. Go.

The Ultimate iPod Accessory

Christmas is right around the corner. But why wait? Get one of these for your loved ones today. After all, Kevin Federline's album comes out on Tuesday.


[Thanks to Just *dot* Christina for the tip. Er, I mean, for the heads-up. Shit. No. Thanks for the penis. Wait. Grr.]

Gonna Catch You Ridin' Dirty

I don't know if she is naked. I don't know if they are doin' something nasty. Use your imagination.

Thanks [Mclady Celebrities] for the hot pics. There are more where that came from...

The Entire Season 4 OC Premiere

I keep hearing awesome things about this season. Watch the entire premiere here, a full week before it airs on television. I never really followed the show, so I haven't watched it, so I can't really tell you how it is. But if you watch it and you have an opinion, please let us know in the comments. I think we're all interested to see how a dead-Mischa OC will shape up...

Kate Moss Topless and Dancing

While you all are hard at work solving my movie puzzle, you might want to take a short break to relax, have a cup of coffee, and check out Kate Moss topless and dancing. It's mesmerizing, really.

I Need Your Help!

This is a link to a ridiculously addictive game, sponsored by M&Ms. It's a big Halloween-style picture, and you have to find the 50 movie titles represented in the picture. Some are pretty obvious, and some are impossible. My coworker and I dedicated a great deal of the workday to this today (I mean, come on, you have to take breaks from blogging every now and then), and, with our powers combined, we got 40 out of 50. But there's no answer key! So I am stumped on the last 10! Help me, readers! Here's what I need:

• The woman carrying the two children (Thanks Tina!)
• The three children dancing in a circle (Thanks to -- no shit -- my mom!)
• The giant baby lying on his back (Thanks to Oliver/my early-morning vision)
• Both items on the stairs (the green M&M and the two men) (Thanks to Miss Dee Chester!)
• The snapped branch (I'm retarded -- this wasn't even a clue -- the other clue is the steps themselves, which I got thanks to Miss Dee!)
• The grim reaper inside the circular fence (Thanks to Miss Dee!)
• The hunched-over man with the lantern (Thanks to Miss Dee!)
• The man with baskets on his head and feet (Thanks to Oliver!)
• The planets (Thanks to Miss Dee Chester and the anonymous commenter!)

Leave the answers in the comments or email me. If you're stumped on any of the others, I've got answers! I'm willing to trade!

Update: Got 'em all! Thanks guys!!! YOU ROCK!!!

Quote of the Day

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like Paris Hilton."

A customer at LA restaurant Koi, to Paris Hilton.

Nicole Richie Thinks You Are Retarded

Nicole Richie is stumped. The 25-year-old celebutard checked into a treatment facility this week, because she just plumb can't figure out why she can't put on any weight. That's so funny. Because it totally didn't seem to be a problem for her at all until a couple years ago. But I suppose a lot of women go through that experience in their mid-20s. As their metabolism changes and they move into adulthood and engage in internationally publicized feuds with their sharp-taloned ex-best friends, they just drop massive amounts of weight for no reason whatsoever. Richie's camp has managed to rule out one possibility for sure: she is absolutely, positively, without a doubt, not eating disorded. Says her rep:

Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not been putting on any weight. She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition. It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder.

What will this "diagnostic treatment" unveil? A particularly persistent form of irritable bowel syndrome? Hypothyroidism? A leak? Only time will tell. In the meantime, Nicole's rep is unloading some of the starlet's assets to cover the cost of treatment, and she has a bridge available, if you're interested.

Link-tastic

Jared Leto has gone from attacking bloggers in the press to attacking them at MTV awards shows, with some Elijah Wood choking thrown in just, you know, so we'll take him seriously from now on. [Pink is the New Blog]

Mariah Carey's Hong Kong concert is canceled. Promoters say it was due to poor ticket sales and Carey's "unreasonable demands." Carey's camp says the promoter didn't pay. You be the judge. Or, you know, just go on with your life. [Celebrity Smack]

Sara Evans and her husband, Craigslist surfer extraordinaire Craig Schelske, settle their divorce details. Access Hollywood has the courtroom scene on video. [Access Hollywood]

Danny Bonaduce drops his pants on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, airing this Friday. I link to this item only because a kindly CBS PR flack emailed me yesterday to make me aware of it, and certainly not because I have any idea who Craig Ferguson is or why he has a television show. Actually, the same is true of Danny Bonaduce. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Somehow -- somehow -- Tara Reid thinks that, if more movies went straight to download, as her most recent one did, more actors would have jobs. Christ. There aren't enough italics for this. [BWE]

The More You Know

Once again. I love John Krasinski.

Fashion Victim of the Week

Oh Miss Mary Kate. I understand that you are still trying to rock the "Boho" or "Homeless-Chic" look. The only problem is is that it has gotten out of control. Perhaps I could forgive the fact that you haven't brushed or washed your hair in a few days. Perhaps I could forgive the whole plaid situation. The issue I have to take with your outfit is YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE NOT WEARING PANTS. Honey, if you wear leggings, be sure you are covering up your lady parts. Or wear leggings that are a little more opaque. She totally is in need of a makeover. Where are Cher and Dionne when you need them?

Brangelina Planning to Adopt Again

Although it won't premiere until sometime around the year 2020, the greatest reality show ever continues its casting process, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planning to adopt another orphan, this time from India. A source says they plan to bring the child to the U.S. by Christmas. While Brad wants to adopt a boy, Angelina may be leaning toward another girl. The source says that "whichever they end up with, they'd like to name the child India to honor its homeland," and, of course, to graciously set up the "finding nirvana in India" jokes for me to knock out of the ballpark when I'm writing a celeb gossip blog in my forties and India Jolie-Pitt is banging her Greek shipping heir. Pitt and Jolie are currently in India filming the upcoming A Mighty Heart.

Jolie has three children already. The first, Maddox, was adopted in 2002 from Cambodia, a region Angie fell in love with while filming the first Lara Croft film. Zahara, now nearly two years old, was picked up from Ethiopia; and, of course, we're all familiar with Shiloh Almighty, the omnipotent union of the Jolie-Pitt genetics, who made her much-heralded arrival to our simple planet in May of this year.

Angelina has said in the past, "I want to create a rainbow family. That's children of different religions and cultures from different countries." Thanks, Angie. I needed that spelled out for me. The other term I hear a lot lately is "dirty sanchez." Do you know anything about that?

Case Closed

Quote of the Day

"Finally, to my boyfriend, who I happen to be married to...with the good loving you give me every day, and especially last night...it's no coincidence that I'm freer and braver to leave the house, because I can't fail, because I get to come home to you."

Sandra Bullock at the 10th Annual Hollywood Awards

Wow Sandra. I'm jealous.

In Case You Want to Stalk Bruce Willis...

They're filming the new Die Hard movie, Live Free or Die Hard, in El Segundo (south of LAX) for the next four weeks. If you want to know when and where, here's the traffic advisory:

Thursday-Friday, Oct. 26-27; and Monday-Tuesday, October 30-31
Imperial Highway: One lane between Nash Street and Aviation Blvd. will be closed as crews prepare the street for filming. A fence will be added to the street’s center median to serve as a set piece. Traffic will be able to go through, but there may be delays.

Thursday-Sunday, Nov. 2-5; Wednesday-Sunday, Nov. 8-12; Saturday-Sunday, Nov. 18-19
Imperial Highway: Eastbound lanes will be closed completely from Nash Street to Aviation Blvd., 9 a.m. – 4 p.m. No traffic will be permitted through.
Imperial Highway: Westbound lanes from Aviation Blvd. to Nash Street will be closed 9 a.m.-7 p.m. with the following exceptions:
-One lane will be open whenever possible to accommodate airport traffic cargo
-Local access will be available at Douglas St/Atwood for entrance into 2300 Imperial Hwy.

Saturday-Sunday, Nov. 4-5, 11-12, and 18-19
Century Freeway I-105:
-Eastbound lanes from Sepulveda to La Cienega closed.
-Connectors from I-105 east to 405 north and south closed.
Sundays, Nov. 5 and 12
Westbound lanes from the 405 Freeway to Sepulveda (next to LAX) will be closed 5-7 a.m. only.

Another Reality Show Participant Makes a Straight to DVD Movie

I get a bit sassy sometimes when reality shows refer to their participants as "cast members". I am a struggling actress (the secret is out!) so I have issue with these reality whores ending up in movies and television. Because of "Laguna Beach" and its even faker spin-off "The Hills," the reality star to actor ratio is going to get much higher. Why, you ask? Well, I have a sneaking feeling that these "cast members" are actually "cast." Do you think it is a coincidence that LC is dating the Prince of Malibu?

On a reality casting note the Hollywood Reporter is saying that "Brian Drolet (MTV "The Hills") is set to appear in "Burial at Sea," an indie teen horror movie being directed by Joe Knee. Drolet will play a pro skateboarder who unknowingly hires the cursed captain of a possessed yacht for an expedition to shoot the ultimate skateboard video. Drolet is repped by Metropolitan and Cole Payne Management."

Possessed yacht? This has straight to video written all over it. This guy seemed like such a tool on "The Hills." At least he looks good with his shirt off.

An interesting link for those dudes out there who like big ole reality TV boobies. Robin from the current "Duel" challenge series takes it all off for the cameras. [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]

America's Cultural Learnings of Borat Fail to Reciprocate

Sacha Baron Cohen's film, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, will only open in 800 theaters, as opposed to the previously planned 2000. "Our research showed it was soft in awareness," says Fox's distribution chief. A recent survey revealed that only 27% of moviegoers were aware of the Borat movie.

Honestly, I'd make a Borat-related joke here, but I'm with the rest of the country: I've got no idea who this character is. So the headline's as good as it gets.

It's a Boy for Matt Leinart and Brynn Cameron

Congratulations to the Heisman trophy winner and his girlfriend, USC basketball standout Brynn Cameron. The couple welcomed their first child, a boy named Cole Cameron Leinart, on Tuesday morning. Matt has been linked in the past to Paris Hilton and Kristin Cavallari. While he's been dating Brynn on and off since early 2005, he has yet to appear in a single picture with her, which is why we have to keep running that damn USC basketball shot whenever we write about them.

Won't You Stay for a Link?

Dude, Naomi, mellow out a little. Light up a joint, cut a line, just relax. Supermodel Campbell is arrested -- again -- for assault, this time for scratching up the face of her drug counselor. [Staralicious]

A run-down of your favorite TV show theme songs, complete with video clips. You don't know how wonderful it is to listen to the 90210 theme over and over again until you've tried it. [Pajiba]

I think Howard K. Stern paid this woman to file court papers claiming she's the real mother of Michael Jackson's children, because she makes Anna Nicole look like Isaac Asimov. [Glitterati]

In case your TiVo malfunctioned, Hollyscoop has a good summary of Madonna's Oprah interview. [Hollyscoop]

Cute new pics of Madonna adoptee David Ritchie (nee Banda). [Just Jared]

A game of mad libs as played by Rachel Zoe and Wes Anderson, respectively. [The Gilded Moose]

America loves Karen Walker. Megan Mullally? Not so much. [Jossip]

Mucca's Still a Liar

Heather Mills isn't really winning over people's hearts in the UK. According to this article in the Sun Online "Mucca is a bloody LIAR," the press in Britian is attempting to expose Heather's claims that Paul beat and humiliated her as false.

They also go through various statements that Heather has made in the past to expose her as a liar.

Here's a smattering of lies that they have caught her in:

LIE: Heather told Sir Paul she had only been a topless model. In June we revealed she was snapped in a string of pornographic poses for a German sex manual.

LIE: Lady Mucca frantically denied working as a prostitute. But in July it emerged she was a £5,000-a-night hooker whose clients including arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi and an Arab prince.

This is keeps getting dirtier and dirtier. I guess the UK hasn't had a good scandal in a while. Battling one of the of the most popular figures in Britian in the press isn't the best idea. It is kind of like getting the people to hate Prince William. You are not going to get them on your side no matter how hard you try. You can cry cry cry that you got one leg but unless you wrote a bunch of popular songs that changed the face of British music, we don't care much.

For another interesting article on the uphill battle Heather must face in the hearts and minds of the British people check out [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Thanks [Perez Hilton] for the article link.

Kiddie Porn or Child Models?

There's been quite a bit of discussion on the interwebs lately about this model at the Ashley Paige show at L.A. Fashion Week. Such a young girl in such a small bikini. People want to know what on earth her mother was thinking. I agree! I mean, if my six-year-old daughter was offered the opportunity to walk a fashion week runway in a barely-there bikini, I'd make damn sure she didn't have any tan lines!

Quote of the Day

"With the psychotic, middle-aged Madonna out there on the loose buying up all the stolen Negro babies in Africa, I felt it my social and humanitarian duty to take in any young, beautiful and sexy orphaned Jew teens running wild in Beverly Hills. Cory's a great kid, and I'm proud to be her daddy."

Actor/director Vincent Gallo, 45, on his relationship with L.A. socialite Cory Kennedy, 16.

Sorry Everything's Links Today. I Have a Day Job, You Know.

Two celeb apologies in one day! Isaiah Washington's very sorry his homophobic, violent nature continues to leak to the press, while Paris Hilton sincerely regrets getting caught driving drunk. [Hollyscoop and PopSugar]

Every. Single. Episode. Of The Office. Online. Right now. [TVLinks]

An (undergraduate) degree from Wharton and a boob job? Ivanka Trump is totally her father's fantasy woman. [MollyGood]

ANTM winner Eva Pigford prepares to host My Model Looks Better than Your Model, a new fashion-centric show on BET. It premieres November 1. [Vibe and Bossip]

Jason Priestley signs on to star in a pilot for Lifetime. As sad as that is, Luke Perry's got The Sandlot 3 on his agenda for next year. Ian Ziering? Voice work for Biker Mice from Mars. So, um, way to go, Jason! [I'm Not Obsessed]

If you haven't really been following the epic battle of Rush Limbaugh vs. Michael J. Fox (Limbaugh thinks Fox is faking the symptoms of Parkinsons disease to promote a political candidate, Fox is, um, promoting a political candidate), let Gawker catch you up. [Gawker]

If Kate Moss is really pregnant, she may want to stop guzzling champagne. Unless a thin coat of alcohol could actually help shield the baby from the cocaine. [BWE]

Josh Hartnett's really peeved about having to bang the Sexiest Woman Alive. [Star]

What is Scientology?

Thanks to a recent commenter for pointing us toward this video. Someone snuck a camera into a screening of this Scientology orientation video, so you too can get a 36-minute introduction to the religion Katie Holmes is marrying into.

Evil T wondered what their wedding would be like. I'm not sure, but around 23:50 there's a church scene. It's a "Christening," and I'm pretty sure there's a big ole' cross behind the minister. See, guys? Scientology is just like that Christianity you know and love, except with more aliens and intergalactic warfare.

Even if you don't watch the whole thing, please check out the end, starting around 32:30, where you're warned that you have the opportunity -- right now -- to determine the course of the "your next trillion years." You can choose Scientology, or you can choose agony and despair. For a trillion years, people. "I'm sorry," says the host, "but that's the way it really is."

Anyway, if you're gonna watch it, watch it today, before I get the cease and desist letter.

The Unsung Hero of MTV

I normally don't watch the Real Wold/Road Rules Battle Challenge series anymore. It has gotten to the point where they are just screaming at each other talking about strategy. Strategy? Please. This show used to be funny because people would do stupid challenges, get drunk and hook up with each other. Lately they have become a bit self-important. I miss The Miz and Ruthie.

I guess they added a few new people to the mix in the last "Fresh Meat" installment of the series so I was fully confused the first episode this season I tried to watch. I was about to switch off the show until I saw a girl named Diem. This slight, pretty girl was fretting about having a wig because she had recently gone through chemo because of ovarian cancer. I was compelled to learn more about Diem and I found a a great article on Glamour's website.

I was shocked to learn that this beautiful woman, at 25, was the age of me and my friends. I couldn't imagine going through all of that in front of a national audience and she did it twice: first on the "Fresh Meat" challenge and now on the "Duel". She gives this season a good story outside of the usual "watch reality stars mate in captivity". If you need an MTV fix, check it out and root for her all the way. I can't think of anyone else more deserving of a $150,000 prize.

All Together Now

In today's episode of the Anna Nicole is Functionally Retarded Show, we learn that Anna previously tried to convince a wealthy paramour, G. Ben Thompson, that he was the father of her newborn girl. The only hitch in the plan? Thompson had a vasectomy years earlier. Has anybody explained to this woman that there are magical science machines that can determine definitively who a child's father is? [Fametastic]

Isaiah Washington was supposed to appear on Ellen Wednesday to clear up the allegations that he's a violent, homophobic jackass, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a change in production schedule. Grey's less controversial star Katherine Heigl was sent in to diffuse the situation instead. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Not to be outdone by TMZ's scoop on his birth certificate, X17's crew hid in the bushes outside the Spears-Federline household for an unspecified amount of time, and now they have video of Jayden James Federline. [CelebSlam]

Entourage creator Doug Ellin has a similarly styled show about Wall Street types in the works. Because i-bankers really are like the movie stars of the east coast, just a little more self-centered and detached from reality. [BankersBall]

Not only has Lindsay Lohan heard of Dick Van Dyke, she also doesn't think he did a very good job with that whole Mary Poppins project. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Pay attention, because I will probably never write these words again, but Paris Hilton actually looks really good in French Vogue. [Teddy and Moo]

Lest you think I have any shame, here are pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal's man loaf. Don't worry, he's wearing pants. He just should have also worn underwear. [A Socialite's Life]

Ever want to know more about the music you hear on television and movies? Drake Lelane's blog covers the soundtrack of your life (because, if you're like me, television and movies are your life). Check out what you heard on last week's Grey's Anatomy. [thus spake drake]

Hump Day Fashion Links for Y'all

To get over your hump day at work, here are some interesting links from the world of fashion.

If you didn't think it was sexy for a man to carry a purse, enter the "murse," which is sweeping the "metrosexual" market. [AOL News]

If you want to support the J.Lo juggernaut of casual wear domination, check out her cute new line of sandals. They are all under $100 and you too can rock it like Jenny from the block. [Sandal Showcase]

Hermes proves that even the French have a sense of humor. [Counterfeit Chic]

You getting married anytime soon? Daily Candy has some cute ideas to make your wedding much cuter than TomKat's! [Daily Candy]

Wanna look fashion forward without breaking the bank? Check out [Frugal Fashionista]

Enjoy!

Dying is So Lucrative

Even in death celebrities can make money. In celebration of Halloween approaching in one week, I thought I would review a little article from Forbes Magazine that profiles The Top Earning Dead Celebrities. Once a celebrity is no longer with us, his or her estate can earn millions of dollars through song licensing, DVD release or simply being an icon.

Here are a few interesting examples of rich dead people:

Kurt Cobain- In death he became a cultural icon and this year made $50 million dollars through the sale of part of his catolog. So now we can hear Nirvana songs selling cars, soda, etc... way to sell out, Courtney Love.

Elvis- The King will always be a cash cow, even in death. This year he made $42 million dollars through merchandise and a new boxed set of his hits.

Charles M. Schulz- Snoopy will always make money through syndication of his cartoons and products based on his famous characters. Urban Outfitters is coming out with a line of Peanuts t-shirts and these add up to the $35 million dollar gross he had this year.

Marilyn Monroe- The only woman on this list, she made $8 million dollars this year in death. Her image is used to sell Dom Perignon, Absolut and cars from GM. A European company is also developing a "Marilyn" perfume.

So artists aren't the only people that can rake up million in death. Happy almost Halloween.

My Middle Name is Earl

Britney baby mystery solved! TMZ got ahold of the kid's birth certificate, which indicates that Britney birthed a male named Jayden James Federline.

My favorite part of all this? Kevin's middle name is Earl. And, when asked to sign the document, he printed his name. Oh, well. At least he spelled it right. Small favors, right?

TomKat's Crazy Will Now Be Legal

Tom and Katie's rep have now confirmed that their wedding will be November 18th in Italy. I'm glad for Katie since she already got brainwashed and knocked up in the course of a year while waiting in vain for her big wedding. They have been engaged since June 2005, so this wedding has been "in the works" for some time. I wish them well even though I find Tom Cruise super creepy.

I wonder if the guests will dress as aliens? Seriously if anyone knows what a Scientology wedding entails please shoot me an email.

Want a "Celebrity" to Help You Ring in The New Year?

You can get Paris Hilton for $100,000 plus a private jet or Carmen Electra for the bargain price of $50,000. Paris Hilton and Carmen Electra's people have been snooping around looking for hot parties for these "stars" to show up at. They are looking for venues in Miami, New York or Los Angeles. I'm not sure what this really includes. Do you get a free lapdance? Will they wow the crowd with their musical talents?

I really would go with Carmen because Paris doesn't have a very good track record for showing up to events. When they opened Club Paris in Ontario she was 6 hours late to the party. 6 hours late? Carmen seems like more fun anyway. Part of me really hopes that one of them ends up at a New Year's Eve Bar Mitzvah.

That's hot.

Joan Rivers Comedy Special Online Now

Joan Rivers is my hero, and I am enormously grateful to her for being funny 40+ years ago, so that I get to be funny today (or at least try my damndest). Her one-hour Bravo comedy special, "Before Melissa Pulls the Plug," premieres tonight, but you can watch it now on Bravo's website.

Oh, come on. It's not like you're doing anything at work.

Dude, You're Getting a Quesadilla

Gawker Stalker reports that Benjamin Curtis, who starred in the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" commercials several years ago, is currently waiting tables at Tortilla Flats on Washington and West 12th. Remember when he got arrested for trying to buy weed? This is so much better.

Angelina Jolie: Fainty McFainterson

I'm so glad I didn't run this story the first it happened. Happier still that I didn't run it the second time it happened. See, folks, it's not that I find all this business of Angelina Jolie fainting nilly-willy about India to be incredibly, tediously boring, it's that I was waiting for it to happen a third time. Why take up perfectly good column inches writing about Jolie's first two utterly irrelevant Indian fainting spells when you just know it will be a way bigger story when it happens the third time?

I am such a good journalist. Good ole' Angie passed her damn self right out for the third time in India, where she's been filming A Mighty Heart alongside home-wreckee Brad Pitt, who's producing the film. Apparently Angelina is just so immersed in the character of Marianne Pearl, who lost her husband, journalist Daniel Pearl, at the hands of terrorists in Pakistan, that she just faints at the thought of a single drop of attention moving away from her and onto the genuinely tragic and terrifying story the film is trying to tell.

Okay, Angie. All eyes on you. Faint away, dear.

Studio 60 Brings Out the Big Guns

Or they bring in Jessica Simpson. I understand that she's trying to promote her poor-selling album but I don't think she is really going to be the ratings boost they are looking for. I would bring in Nick Lachey...bring in some teenage girls. I did enjoy Sting and his lute last week, but if they want to really "young" the show up other options could be JoJo, Danity Kane, or Justin Timberlake.

I like Studio 60, and Evil Beet and I both are quite miffed at the switcharoo they are doing with Friday Night Lights. I personally like both shows. I think they are both very innovative television but play to totally different demographics.

Let us see how this little venture goes. I really hope we don't lose both of them and end up with Who Wants to Date My Cousin?

Did Britney Birth a Girl?

When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney's gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed's mom says that "Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden." Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline's genetics, so I haven't entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild's name with some regularity. But she's not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child's birth, they spotted Britney's bodyguard shopping at a kids' clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit's security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not -- he wasn't laughing. X17 explains that they don't have footage of the event because "Britney's bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police...if they didn't give him the video tape immediately."

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning "God has heard," which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

You Win, Nick Carter

I can't hate you anymore. I can no longer despise your desperate and embarrassing pleas for attention and publicity. It takes too much energy. So I've decided to embrace you, and all the glorious Paris Hilton shit-talking that comes along with you.

The latest stop on Nick's "Fuck Paris Hilton/Watch My TV Show" tour is Britain's News of the World, where Carter states that Paris "was a drunken prude who as far as I can see did not really like sex. She relied on drugs and drinks to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out."

He accuses Hilton of smuggling drugs overseas, stating that "if she was going overseas, she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Continues Carter: "The only thing that made her happy was her own reflection. She spends so much time looking at herself in the mirror telling herself how gorgeous she is."

Keep it up, Nick. We're digging it now.

Today in Wonderful

What's this, you ask? It's rapper The Game (far right) getting his ass shown the door during a 1998 appearance on Change of Heart.

Said his then-girlfriend Sadita: "All he [does] is smother me or cry like a baby. That's all he does. I can't stand looking at his ugly nose . . . He's a scrub, he doesn't have a car, and I feel like I always have to drive him around."

Apparently the rap community has known about this for some time, but white people are just starting to find out, so let us enjoy this, okay?

Kirsten Dunst Doesn't Equal Box Office Gold

"Marie Antoinette" opened this weekend to less-than-stellar box office numbers. This might shock some as Sofia Coppola's mix of 80s Music and French decadence might sound slightly awesome, but mainly have looked pointedly at its star, Kirsten Dunst, as the culprit.


Kirsten Dunst isn't really a stellar actress. I will not deny that she was awesome in "Interview with the Vampire" and that "Bring it On" is one of my favorite movies of all time but it has really been downhill since then. Anyone that has seen her forced performance in "Elizabethtown" can attest to the fact that outside of the teen movie genre she is a bit "blah".

Movie critics aren't the only ones that have a problem with the movie. Historians have called her performance "frightful" and taken issue with the fact that this "biographical" movie isn't really based on actual facts. Responding to this, Kirsten Dunst said, "It's kind of like a history of feelings rather than a history of facts. So don't expect a masterpiece theatre, educational Marie Antoinette biopic."

"Kind of like a history of feelings"? I can't believe why this would have been booed at the Cannes Film Festival?

Maybe Kirsten Dunst should go back to teen movies. "Bring It On 4" anyone?

This review was the inspiration for my Kirsten Dunst moment today. [IDontLikeYouInTHatWay]

Somebody is a Copycat

Going through Page Six this morning I realized that they have a feature called the "Celebrity Star Map". Now click on this link and you can run your mouse over a map of Manhattan and see where various celebrities have been spotted doing various noteworthy things. If you are a local New Yorker, you too can have your star sighting posted on the internet. Their site is a bit sad, with only three sightings which include Jacob the Jeweler, Dr. Ruth, and Julia Roberts.

This sounds quite similar to something that Gawker instituted a few months ago except that Gawker's is quite cool, and quite popular. They have twenty-five sightings including Anne Hathaway (talking about how fat her fellow actresses were...um, honey you aren't exactly Nicole Richie), Parker Posey (evidently being a bitch but I love her anyway) and Anderson Cooper (who could also be my boyfriend if he wasn't playing for the other team).

So really Page Six, I know you are trying to jump on the bandwagon but Gawker is kicking your booty.

Weekend Round-Up

Burkegate trudges forward, with new revelations that Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington has a history of violence and general on-set assholery. [TMZ]

Madonna will appear on Oprah on Wednesday to defend her kinda-sorta-legal adoption of Malawi orphan David Banda, and, probably, to plug her upcoming adoption. [Hollywood Grind]

Studio 60 is taking a one-week break from mildly amusing a viewership rich and liberal enough to know they should love Aaron Sorkin unconditionally, as NBC "quietly" slips a drama about Texas high-school football into the timeslot. What could possibly go wrong? [Defamer]

If there's anything Kate Moss and Pete Doherty need right now, it's a goddamn infant in their care. [MollyGood]

For being a billion years old, Sharon Stone still has some really nice nipples. [Yes But No But Yes]

If you thought I'd gotten all my classlessness out of my system with a Sharon Stone nip-shot, you were wrong. Wanna see up Nicole Richie's skirt? You only get to laugh condescendingly at me until you click the link. [Faded Youth]

Check out Pink's new video for her next single, "Nobody Knows." [Perez Hilton]

Wesley Snipes is on the Lam

It may be true that White Men Can't Jump, but we'll just see how they manage the extradition of U.S. tax evaders living in friendly West African nations.

Wesley Snipes was indicted last week for attempting to cheat the U.S. government out of nearly $12 million in false refund claims and not filing any returns -- at all -- for six years. The Smoking Gun has Snipes' 1997 filing, in which the Blade star reports a net adjusted gross income of zilch.

Where is Snipes now? He's in Namibia, filming a movie titled Gallowwalker. Snipes has been there since August, at which point Namibia did not have an extradition treaty with the U.S. They passed such a treaty -- unilaterally -- in September, amidst the Kobi Alexander drama, so one can assume Snipes will eventually be dragged back to the U.S. to face charges. He faces a maximum of sixteen years in prison, where I'm sure all the To Wong Foo-related praise will be, somehow, less flattering.

John Krasinski Should Date Me.

So my #1 Celebrity Crush is John Krasinski. I have decided, recently, that he should be my boyfriend. He doesn't know it yet but I totally feel like we should date. Now, I am not alone. John Krasinski is quite the sex-symbol as of late. I think we all secretly hope for a fun, sweet romance with a nice guy at work.

Here is John on "Ellen". I love them both so this interview makes me smile. I hope it makes you smile too :)
And ladies. He is SINGLE!
Enjoy!

Thanks [Pop Culture Whore] for the clip!

It's Twins for Melissa Etheridge and Wife

Congratulations to Melissa Etheridge and wife Tammy Etheridge (nee Michaels)! Last Tuesday, October 17, Tammy gave birth to twins -- a boy and a girl -- named Miller Steven and Johnnie Rose.

Hm. "Miller" and "Johnnie." Can you guess which one is the girl?

No?

That's okay, neither can any reasonable person.

FYI, Johnnie Rose is the girl. Is it possible they're pronouncing it like "Joni?" I can't tell. Actually, "Johnnie," (pronounced Jah-nee) is kind of a hot name for a girl, but it's really gonna suck for both of them when Tammy and Melissa are all like, "These are our twins, Johnnie and Miller," and people just stare, awkwardly, trying to figure out which name to apply to which child.

This is the first child for Tammy. Melissa has two children with ex-girlfriend Julie Cypher, Bailey (9) and Beckett (7), whose biological father is David Crosby. Miller and Johnnie's father is an anonymous donor. Mother and children are doing well.

Evil Saturday Links

Since I broke my foot and have no social life right now. Here are some links I found poking around the internet. Enjoy!

Evidently the way to celebrate a holiday in India is to get plastic surgery. [Washington Post]

Ashlee is totally stealing Jess's thunder. Wow Jessica, you are ranked 4th. At least Paris isn't #1. Go Ashlee Go! [E! Online]

Japanese men love kinky sex. Evidently this dude had to learn 200 Japanese slang terms for dirty deeds in Japan. I wonder if this gives the song "Turning Japanese" new meaning? [Page Six]

Demi Moore isn't the only older woman who has bagged herself a boy toy. [Salon.com]

Behold, more photos of Katie Holmes and Chris Klein's baby. Suri is actually really adorable. I just hope Katie doesn't sacrifice her to the Uba Wooba Alien God of Scientology. [Just Jared]

When you mix an amazing play by Frank Wedekind with music by Duncan Sheik you get a kick ass new musical opening soon on Broadway. The "Spring Awakening" site has some awesome videos. If you are in New York in the next few months, go see it. (Pic above is from the show) [Spring Awakening] and [Broadway.com]

TV Theme Songs Are So 1995

This article on CNN.com really struck me because I didn't realize that TV theme songs had disappeared. This makes me sad. I fully enjoy singing along to "Thank You for Being a Friend" (Golden Girls) when I'm watching Lifetime. I also when drunk have been known to get "Charles in Charge" stuck in my head. I bought that awful CD that had the "Friends" theme song. I also remember secretly planning out my hot head turn that was going to be my title shot when I joined that cast of Melrose Place. Evil Beet and I found a shared love for Shawn Colvin after her song "Climb On" on "Party of Five" before the theme song was changed to "Closer to Free".

Sad that this has all gone away. They had a 26-second theme song for "Grey's Anatomy" but that has been scrapped. "Two and a Half Men" has a cute little intro, but not many shows have those fun intros where you get montages of characters and snappy little songs. Even the shows that do have opening credits sometimes scrap them entirely just for a title-flash.

I secretly dream of a world where Lost has a "Beverly Hills 90210"-esque opening including Sawyer ripping off his shirt and Jack running down the beach "Baywatch" style.

Apparently Jimmy Kimmel has a different take on his ideal Lost Theme Song.
Enjoy.

Update: This is also from YouTube but I had to post it again. YouTube recently has taken down 30,000 clips which is lame.

Newsflash: People Hate Paris Hilton

I am one of the many people that is over Paris Hilton. I think she is ugly, bowlegged, and a symbol of everything that is wrong with celebrity. The strange thing is that, as much as people dislike Paris, she won't go away.

If I was a paparazzi photographer I would ostensibly not take her picture to make her mad. Well, until I realized that a picture of a drunk whoring Paris Hilton could make me enough money to feed a small African nation.

Because Paris won't go away, many have taken to hating her overtly. I introduce you to the Paris Hilton Hatelisting.

Enjoy.

Yup, Guys, Cacee Cobb and Donald Faison are Still Together

People's interest in this topic never fails to intrigue me. But, yeah, they're still dating. They were spotted at Hyde recently, where this picture was taken. I hate to be a bitch (I don't know why I even bother prefacing statements that way, because it's so not true), but Cacee's looking a little big in the hips. I mean, it's totally fine if you want to just let your hips get big, or allow your inner thighs to become, like, chemically bonded to one another, but do you really have to go to Hyde during the aftermath? It's like showing up at the Ivy in full Nazi garb. We are going to write mean things about you.



[via BarbieMartini]

Grey's Anatomy to "Pull a Becky"???

Wow, Isaiah Washington is in a world of trouble. After nearly punching Patrick Dempsey on set, and unleashing a flood of homophobic slurs that led T.R. Knight to come out to People magazine, rumor has it that, due to the tensions on set, producers are looking to replace him on the show, possibly with ER's Eriq LaSalle!!!

It'll be just like the New Becky/Old Becky days on Roseanne. New Burke/Old Burke!!

I don't know why I'm so excited about this. Probably because I love me some Eriq LaSalle.

Friday Afternoon Links fo' Yo Ass

Angelina Jolie just hates it when photogs catch pictures of Shiloh without forking over the requisite $4M. [Just Jared]

Nicole Kidman's husband, country singer Keith Urban, is the latest celeb to enter rehab for an alcoholism relapse. It's going to be okay, Nicole. Remember, there's still no twelve-step program for Scientology. [Allie is Wired]

The Hills' L.C. is officially dating Brody Jenner, the ex-boyfriend of her Laguna Beach nemesis, Kristin Cavallari. No comment yet from Cavallari, but we're keeping a close eye on her t-shirts. [Hollyscoop]

Break out the weed and the slap bracelets. Fraggle Rock is coming to the big screen. [popbytes]

Breaking! Kevin Federline may not be the model father you'd previously believed him to be. Well, at least you were right about the model part. [PopCultureWhore]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Christie Brinkley is such a rock star. [Teddy and Moo]

Carmen Electra Earns her Spot on the D-List

Carmen Electra, who was the Queen of the C-List Celebrities now has earned her spot on the D-list by becoming the spokesperson for NV Rapid Weight-Loss Beauty Pill. If you wonder how you can spot a D-list celebrity, here are the following signs.

1) MTV Reality show followed by messy divorce.
2) Appearing on Baywatch.
3) Failed singing career. Albums are bought mainly in Japan.
4) Acknowledgement of Plastic Surgery, usually in US Weekly, InTouch, or Life and Style
5) Appearing in Playboy, Maxim, or Stuff Magazine.
6) A little to eager to pose for Paparazzi.
7) Appears on Celebrity Poker Showdown more than once.
8) Movies often go straight to video.
9) Hanging out with Perez Hilton.
10) Whoring yourself out for a diet pill.

Carmen, you are welcome to join Shanna Moakler, Tara Reid, David Hasselhoff, Ashley Parker Angel, Nikki Hilton, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Anna Nicole Smith, Perez Hilton, and our newest member, Paris Hilton, for a reception at Red Lobster, punch and pie will be served.

PS- Jess, your invite got lost in the mail.

Kevin Federline 2.0

I'm sorry but I love Weird Al. In middle school I bought his album, "Bad Hair Day" and listened to Amish Paradise over and over again. Though I really thought that was the zenith of his career, this tops it.

Fashion Victim of the Week

So in the true spirit of The Evil Beet, I have decided every Friday to make fun of a celebrity's fashion choices. I understand that Rachel Zoe will be to blame for most of these fashion blunders but don't you girls own a mirror? Do you actually think you look good and people on the internet aren't going to make fun of you?

To kick this off I have chosen Lindsay Lohan. I know...its a little old to make fun of her fuglyness but seriously it is just too fun. She used to be so cute, albeit a little misguided, but now its like Forever 21 has thrown up all over her. Sad that with all those designer clothes you just can't seem to "make it work." (I'm already missing Tim Gunn, but I digress).

Lindsay, ankle boots and knee socks and both a bath idea. Together they are just wrong...so wrong. This is not going to help your Oscar or husband hunting campaign. You kind of look like Elvira and I don't think that was what you were going for.

Lets try for some winter white or pastels honey. Thanks, Love EvilT

Joe Simpson is Still Freaking People Out

Via Best Week Ever this morning Joe Simpson is still creeping people out with his strange "management" of his daughter Jessica.

Now I remember back in the day when Jess was all into Jesus and her father was all freaked out about her going off and boinking Nick before they actually got to the altar. Since she's already popped her cherry, Jesus is evidently all ok about her romping around with every flavor of the month musician. Ya, keep telling yourself that Joe.

I mean, it is really weird that Joe is now taking dirty pictures of his daughters. But I see that all the time on Law and Order:SVU...wait, those dudes go to jail.

Some Notes for Dr. Isobel Stevens Regarding Compound Interest

Hi Izzie.

I've provided some links for you regarding the power of compound interest.

Here's the Wiki on compound interest.
Here's a compound interest calculator.
And an informative article from About.com.
Even one from The Motley Fool.

I mean, I know a medical education's no MBA, but the refrigerator?

Come on, Izzie.

Yeah, I Ran a Penis on the Front Page. Does this Mean I Still Can't Run Your Ads, iTunes? Because Sony's Cool with It. Just Saying.

At what point did People magazine get the monopoly on celebrity coming-out stories? Anyway, meet McGay. [Pop on the Pop]

Prince Harry's new girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, wonders aloud if woolly mammoths are extinct. Their season of Newlyweds is going to rock so hard. [CelebSlam]

The photo shoot theme for this week's ANTM was "celebrity couples." Demonstrating the level of taste and subtelty we have come to associate so inextricably with the weekly, hour-long pitch for Tyra Banks' surely forthcoming magazine, the girl who came out as a lesbian the day before was asked to be -- I'm serious -- Ellen and Portia di Rossi. [MollyGood]

Nicole Richie prefers to spend her time in restaurants getting laid in the bathroom, mostly because it's the farthest she can get from the food. [Cele|Bitchy]

Nicky Hilton kicks off publicity for her fashion-centric Miami hotel, Nicky O, with -- what else? -- full frontal male nudity. There is a joke here to illustrate that nudity has very little to do with fashion, but I am too distracted by penises to think of it. [The Superficial]

Sofia Coppola is expecting a baby girl in December. With any luck, she won't cast the kid in Lost in Translation 3. [Celebrity Baby Blog]

Paris Hilton avoids the premiere of her new movie, National Lampoon's Pledge This, because she doesn't want to be associated with a film that will likely go straight to video. She really could have made that decision much earlier, like when they cast Simon Rex and Randy Spelling. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Quote of the Week

"Madness is doing the same thing and expecting a shark not to eat your other fucking arm."

Jen Dziura on one-armed teen surfing sensation Bethany Hamilton.

Slaughter at NBC: 700 Jobs Slashed

Well, the Aaron Sorkin thing didn't work so hot, so NBC is going back to basics, as the Peacock struggles to keep its head above water after three years of unimpressive ratings and declining operating profit. NBC is slashing 700 jobs, around 5% of its workforce, expecting the cuts to result in a savings of $750 million in operating expenses by 2008.

NBC's also through gambling on "quality programming" with "good writing" or, you know, "writing," as they plan to move their prime-time focus away from scripted dramas and comedies. They'll move the focus to cheaper-to-produce reality/game-show programming like "Deal or No Deal" and "The Biggest Loser," where they'll get a better rate of return on ad sales. The result will, hopefully, be a totally killer 10K filing that you, the NBC viewer, can enjoy almost as much as you'd enjoy watching innovative or entertaining NBC programming.

Jeff Zucker, chief executive at NBC Universal, points out that ABC's been doing the same thing for awhile, and states that, "We want to be sure that we continue to provide the best programming possible. We just want to put the programming where we get the highest rate of return." Continues Zucker, "If you guys'll run this with a positive spin, you can try your hand at writing the comedy sketches for the next episode of Studio 60." After taking a moment to reconsider, Zucker went on, "Actually, could you guys just do that anyway? Or one of your interns? Maybe someone in your IT department? Anyone?"

Paris Hilton Attempts to Buy Tinkerbell's Love

I was poking around TMZ and I found this photo of Paris buying her little dog a mountain worth of tacky dog stuff. It looks like she is actually buying a little dog bag with another dog already in it. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. I guess fake dogs are much easier to carry around.

So I remember a while back Paris Hilton used to tote her Chihuahua everywhere. Well, that was until she left it at her grandparent's house and forgot about it. After that little escapade she also got herself some more little rat dogs (according to reports, Tinkerbell "got too big" to tote around so she needed another accessory), a monkey, and a ferret.

Someone needs to take her Michael Jackson-eque harem of animals away from her pronto. Isn't she too busy banging Greek shipping heirs to feed them?

Disclaimer: I am the owner of a Maltipoo...yes, like Jessica Simpson. She does own some clothing, yet I still am able to actively hate Paris Hilton.

Britney Spears Puts Down Frappucinos...World Rejoices

World News Sources have confirmed today that Britney Spears has finally lost some of her baby weight and is so excited she is shopping for a new wardrobe.

Even though I'm a little taken aback that this is a WORLD NEWS STORY I am kind of excited because this might mean that hot Brit is going to make a comeback. I love Britney Spears and though I have filled my trashy pop void with an unhealthy obsession with Danity Kane I really have missed her.

I really think that Britney should dump Kevin, become besties with Ken Paves and do a duet with Justin Timberlake. That would be hot.

So y'all Brit's coming back. I'm so excited.

Amy Winehouse's Name is Unfortunate

As she is drunk out of her skull on this appearance on Charlotte Church's U.K. television show.

ProjRun: How Much Bullshit is it That Jeffrey Won?

Thank you to a recent anonymous commenter for giving us the title for this post.

Michael's line was obviously a huge disappointment, although I'm sure he is crying his eyes out each night right into Brandy's vagina.

I love Laura Bennett, and I would wear most of her clothes, but I agree with the judges that she lacks an original point of view and creative vision.

Uli's line? Rocked. Those pieces would make any woman look stunning. She should have won, in my opinion.

Jeffrey's line did nothing for me. I hated, hated, hated the dress that Marilinda wore. With the zippers? And the weird diamond center piece? It does nothing at all to accentuate a woman's body. It looked like she was wearing a mangled tablecloth. There were one or two pieces in his collection I enjoyed, but mostly, ick.

What do you guys think?

Links, Links, Links!!

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe get into a little tiff at the Flags of Our Fathers screening in NYC. Ryan claims Reese is embarrassing him, mostly because her jaw is overshadowing his career. [Cityrag]

Victoria Beckham has been offered the hosting gig on Simon Fuller's new fashion-centric reality show. She may turn it down, since the show films in the U.S., and she knows that if she leaves hubby David's side for more than a minute, some hottie's going to steal him away. Like Paris Hilton. Or Tom Cruise. [Hollyscoop]

Rod Stewart thought Paris Hilton was a hot piece of ass. When she was fourteen. [Yeeah!]

Whitney officially kicks the Bobby habit. [People]

It's not so much that Christina Aguilera's hubby is smoking a joint, it's that he's wearing a bike helmet at the same time. [I'm Not Obsessed]

Catherine Zeta-Jones acts pissed that husband Michael Douglas said Eva Longoria has a great ass, as a part of their joint effort to convince the world he's managed an erection at any point this decade. [ICYDK]

Matt Damon reaches out to African children without managing to adopt one. [PopSugar]

Top Chef Loser Hosts BravoTV.com Series

She may not have made it into the finals of Top Chef, but contestant Lee Anne Wong has signed on to host Top Recipe: The Wong Way to Cook, an new "webisode" series on BravoTV.com, which will air every Thursday evening to showcase the winning recipe from last week's Top Chef epsiode.

"It offers a new viewing opportunity to our highly engaged viewers and a place where they can log on and further connect with one of their favorite Bravo personalities and explore the creative process," says Lauren Zalaznick, president of Bravo.

"That bitch should put down the crack pipe," retorts Dick Wolf.

Justin Timberlake Launches Another Fashion Line that People Will Stop Caring About in 6 Months Tops

So Justin has premiered his new “clothing line,” William Rast, during Los Angeles Fashion Week Tuesday. He is in a long line of celebrities that have really no qualifications to make clothes yet do so anyway. Is this a good idea? Let us look at some past attempts by celebrities.

Jessica Simpson- Has 3 lines of clothing. Now, I had to go to a mall in suburban Illinois to find a Fashion Bug that actually carries her clothes. I bet Jess totes wears jeans shorts from the Fashion Bug.

(Good or Bad Idea: Um, awful idea. Jess was fined $100 million dollars for not endorsing her cheap-ass Princy Jeans.

JLo- Has both a mid-priced and a high-end line which includes a lot of sweatpants. Gotta give her props for making jeans for girls with a booty.

(Good or Bad Idea: Sweetface, her clothing company grossed $130 million in 2004)

Anna Nicole Smith- Evidently she has a line in the works to show off her “Tex-Sex” style.

(Good Or Bad Idea: Unless it comes with a free supply of those diet pills I ain’t buyin it)

Mandy Moore- So I just spent like 20 min attempting to find this phantom “t-shirt” line that I remember hearing about a few years ago. I live for shopping, but I have never even seen them anywhere. I still can’t find where one can buy them but I guess her motivation was that there was a lack of overpriced t-shirts on the market.

(Good or Bad Idea: Whatever, I don’t care anymore)

Madonna to Adopt Her Three-Year-Old Malawian Twin

In case you weren't tipped off by the rock-hard body and Kabbalah-inspired name change to "Esther" and on-stage urging of her fans to put a certain cylindrical part of our President's anatomy in their mouths and apply pressure (hint: it's not a finger!), Madonna does not half-ass anything. The singer, who has two biological children, and recently adopted a Malawi infant, is coming back for more.

Loathe to let this adoption-related publicity die down, Madonna is already talking about adopting a three-year-old girl from the same Malawi village where she found her last human-interest story. Says Madge: "I looked at this child with questioning dark eyes and the saddest smile. I thought, 'She looks just like me.'"

Now, I have not seen a picture of this child, but I am going to go out on a limb and guess that there exists not a single three-year-old Malawian orphan who looks -- in any way -- like Madonna. Also: "questioning dark eyes and the saddest smile?" What? Is it possible we are edging closer to the ultimate Madonna reinvention, at last unveiling the angsty, brooding, piano-heavy Madonna that the gay community is so, so hoping will tour with Tori Amos? Oh, let it be so!

Can't Buy Me Love: The Mills/McCartney Divorce Gets Uglier

The Heather Mills/Paul McCartney divorce proceedings have stumbled across a landmine of their very own. TMZ has obtained transcripts of the allegations Mills makes in court documents, which are not exactly a big step forward for social perception of amputees (no pun intended -- well, maybe). Mills paints herself as a battered prisoner of war, as helpless and she is legless, begging the abusive warden of Paul McCartney for table scraps, as the ruthless Beatle forced her to cook two dinners a night, single-handedly, to crawl up airplane steps when they weren't wheelchair accessible, and refused to allow her to use a bedpan at night when it was difficult for her to walk to the bathroom.

She accuses McCartney of abusing drugs and alcohol, of choking her and cutting her, of refusing to let her breast feed, and of denying her the use of his "beautiful spare office in New York." There's also quite a bit of them pushing one another into bathtubs. The allegations of physical and emotion abuse date back to 2002, at which point Mills was clearly of the opinion that McCartney could, in fact, buy her love. Or at least lease it until they'd been married long enough for her to get a decent settlement. The couple have one child together, Beatrice, who I'm sure will get a real kick out of reading this stuff when she's old enough.

We're Bringing in Reinforcements

Hi there! Beet here. This site continues to grow in popularity, thanks to all you awesome readers (especially those of you who send us tips), all our kick-ass Evil Cohorts, and Lindsay Lohan's unwavering dedication to doing retarded shit and flashing her va-jay-jay. I'd like to create more content for you all daily, but what with the day job and the other job and the grad school and the late-night gas-station rendezvous in Silverlake (thanks Craigslist!), it's getting to be a bit overwhelming.

Thankfully, I've found the perfect Ashley to my Mary-Kate, Miss Evil T.

T kicks it in NYC, so she'll hold down the chillier coast while I rock the tank tops in October here in Hell-Ay (mwah-ha-ha!). She's funny as hell, and I know she'll be a great addition to The Beet. Be nice to her -- one time, in seventh grade, she slapped a girl twice her size, and it was awesome.

Welcome to The Beet, Evil T!

Kid Kid for Pam Pam?

Us Weekly reports that Pamela Anderson, who recently began filming the comedy Blonde and Blonder -- call me crazy, but I'm excited for it, and, yes, I watched V.I.P. AND I LOVED IT -- and her hubby of three months, Kid Rock, are trying to have a super-hot, Hep C-rockin' baby.

“Pam and Kid have talked about it for a long time,” says the source. “Kid wanted to get back with Pam partly because of this, but she didn’t know he wanted a child. They are trying really hard right now.”

Us Weekly wants to know if "you think Pam and Kid would be fun parents?" Yeah, guys, how much fun is it when your mom's a busty blonde sex symbol who's been naked for the entire country time and time again? Let's ask Daniel Smith. Oh wait.

OC Season 4 Preview

For those of you who are still watching The OC, check out a teaser for the season 4 premiere. Thanks to Karen for the tip.

Celebrities Are Just Like Us

They forget to pay their taxes too.

Wesley Snipes, who stopped making relevant movies in the mid-90s, evidently got caught making false returns to the tune of 12 million dollars. Now this would be just a boring "stupid celebrity forgets to pay their taxes story," but he also had another brilliant idea in 2005.

He tried to leave the country of South Africa with a fake South African passport. Accoring to IMDB.com, "the actor was later allowed to leave the country but his immigration status has been reduced to 'undesirable' and his false passport confiscated."
Sounds like somebody got a bit crazy where their movies started going straight to video, or when they went from playing a street-wise hustler to a drag queen?

I totally am waiting for an E! True Hollywood Story!

Paris and Lindsay Back to Loving Each Other's Coke

From Page Six:

Lindsay Lohan is playing with fire. She's now decided to be best buds with her former nemesis Paris Hilton, and the two even had a sleepover in Las Vegas this weekend. On Saturday night, the terrible twosome arrived arm-in-arm to Michelle Trachtenberg's 21st birthday party at Tao and spent the night signing autographs for fans and whispering to each other. Then the ditzy duo retired to the $25,000-a- night Sky Villa at the Palms - for a pillow fight, no doubt.

Thank goodness that Harry Morton is out of the way, with all his silly sobriety and predictable hissy fits whenever Lindsay wanted to do a line or two or seventy-three. My Lord, he was soooo controlling. He really isolated Lindsay from all her true friends and all their fat rails. Now the two gal-pals can get back to doing what they do best: cocaine.

Link It Up

A day with Paula Abdul is not worth $26,000 to anyone. A day with her Vicodin supply? Now that's another story. [CelebSlam]

Nicole Richie doesn't like it when strangers text message her. [Drunken Stepfather]

Scary Spice is carrying Eddie Murphy's love child. [Juicy-News]

Check out the video from Christina Aguilera's new single, "Hurt," which comes complete with a father-daughter separation scene straight out of a Michael Lohan cartoon. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Before they became the alcoholic, abusive, herpetic mess we all took such pure joy in watching them become, Liza Minelli and David Gest filmed a pilot for a reality show. Because God loves you, this footage has surfaced. [Perez Hilton]

Ellen Degeneres invites a hyptonist on her show for a weepy attempt to rid herself of the smoking habit, the cumulative result of which is that now I want a cigarette. [Defamer]

Kevin Connolly is Functionally Retarded

Although she announced she had a boyfriend on last week's David Letterman, People is now reporting that heiress Nicky Hilton has split with her boyfriend of nearly three years, Entourage star Kevin Connolly, after he cheated on her with Brittany Field (pictured above), the 18-year-old daughter of music mogul Ted Field.

Field is clearly as discrete as she is attractive, because sources say the young 'un was less than tight-lipped about her rendezvous with Connolly. "She was bragging to everyone that she hooked up with Kevin last month while Nicky was in New York for fashion week," says a source close to Field.

While Connolly screwed up big time, we have to admit, there's always a soft spot in our heart for the man who punched Brandon Davis in the face. Twice.

Elliot Mintz is Very Mature for His Age

So this is a pretty typical Paris Hilton 'razzi video. She's with her entourage -- including publicist Elliot Mintz -- attempting to leave her house, when she realizes the lights in her SLR are on, running down the battery. Hilarity ensues, blah blah blah.

But here's what I love. With the crisis resolved, the gang prepares to leave the Hilton compound. Paris is in the passenger seat of a car, and Mintz is walking around the car, I assume to move into the drivers seat.

Mintz says to the photog, "You're a very legitimate photo-broadcast journalist," to which the cameraman replies, "Thank you, Elliot."

It's basically the grown-man equivalent of two teenage girls, with one being like "Gosh, Julie, I really love those shoes. I sure wish I had a pair of platforms that made me look like a 78-year-old gutter whore." And then Julie's all like "Thank you, Tracy." That's what just happened here.

That Oil Money Sure Does Buy a Lot of Cocaine

Just ask Mary-Kate Olsen. A year after Paris Hilton stole her prior heir -- of the Greek shipping variety -- the pint-sized bag lady is "quietly dating" oil heir Maxwell Snow, in the hopes that, if Paris Hilton doesn't catch word of his existence, she can't fuck him. But Paris Hilton can fuck anything. Watch your back, MK.

Snow is from some famous Texas oil family, and is Uma Thurman's nephew (Did you know Uma Thurman came from oil money? I didn't.)

James Blunt is a Tsunami of Stupid

Superhot supermodel Petra Nemcova dumped the angsty British chanteur after learning he'd been cheating on her. Apparently Mr. Blunt, who is not particularly attractive, had been cheating on Nemcova, who is, with a bevy of girlies in Ibiza. James? You're retarded.

Madonna, Your Order Has Shipped

The totally adorable and pseudo-legally adopted David Banda arrived in the U.K. yesterday. The Ritchies were nowhere to be seen, but Madonna's publicist says David will join up with them "in the next few days."

Vince Vaughn "Has No Recollection of Those Events"

Vince Vaughn is really, really pissed he got caught making out with a homely blonde in London last week. The actor plans to take legal action against the British tabloids the Sun and the Daily Mirror, as well as against the New York Post for suggesting that he and Aniston had split, or that he had cheated on her.

On Wednesday's Oprah, Aniston reiterated that all was well in paradise -- she and Vince were still together, and she is still so totally over that Brad Pitt guy.

Is this really what it takes to get these two to admit they were even together in the first place?

Late-Night Link-o-Rama

Apparently Madonna isn't adopting an African child so much as she's kinda stealing one. Rule-bending in exchange for cash? In Malawi? [I'm Bringing Blogging Back]

Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley are going to hook up. On camera. I'm serious this time. [Pop on the Pop]

And the first interview with Michael Jackson since he left the U.S. in June 2005 goes to...Billy Bush? [Access Hollywood]

After her riveting turn making a whore of Christian Troy (like that's hard) on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donnell may get her own spin-off. [NY Post]

Today in cost-cutting: Moviefone conducts its Ashton Kutcher interview via IM. [Moviefone]

PR folks everywhere continue to realize that banning Paris Hilton from your event is a surefire way to score some publicity. I'm still totally okay with that, Esquire Show House in Los Angeles. [Hollyscoop]

ScoJo signs a deal to record her first album. The working title is Scarlett Sings Tom Waits, but they're thinking of changing it to Hipster Masturbation 3000. [Junkiness]

Go Ahead. Take a Day off from Hating Yourself.

Dove reminds us that even the girls on the billboards don't look like the girls on the billboards.




[via BestWeekEver]

We Now Actively Miss You, Jessica Coen

On Friday, I wrote that we would miss Jessica Coen at Gawker. Those carefree days of future-Jessica-Coen-missing are, today, tragically fallen by the wayside. Jess has been gone for less than one day, and, in that time, Gawker's run approximately 18 "Ask Lloyd Grove" items, each of which is every bit as wildly amusing and relevant as the last.

Please come back, Jessica.

On the flip side, Heather Cocks is rocking the fuck out as Defamer's guest blogger today, if that's really her writing. Don't get me wrong, I think Heather is a riot, but the voice sounds more like Seth Abramovitch or Mark Lisanti than Fug's blogger. But what do I know.

An Imagined Conversation Between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie

I did not write this. I grabbed it from Go Fug Yourself, because it is easily the funniest thing I've read in like a year. I want to share it with the world.

PARIS: Dude, I'm so happy we're friends again.

NICOLE: Me too.

PARIS: You make me look so tall and healthy.

NICOLE: You make me feel so small and delicate. And smart. I enjoy that.

PARIS: I'm just glad we're over that thing that happened.

NICOLE: Me too. Our friendship is more important.

PARIS: I know. I mean, bros before hos, right? I seriously never would have hooked up with him if I knew you really liked him.
NICOLE: What?

PARIS: Stabby. If I'd known you were THAT into him, I never would have stolen him from you.

NICOLE: Huh?

PARIS: STABBY. STABBY NACHOS.

NICOLE: Who is Stabby Nachos?

PARIS: You know, tall? Greek? Your boyfriend?

NICOLE: Stavros Niarchos?

PARIS: That is what I SAID. STABBY NACHOS.

NICOLE: He's not my boyfriend.

PARIS: He was until I stole him from you.

NICOLE: What?

PARIS: Or was that your sister?

NICOLE: I don't HAVE a sister. YOU have a sister.

PARIS: We both have sisters, dumbass. We're both the skinny sister! Woo! Remember?

NICOLE: Paris. I don't have a sister.

PARIS: Um, did they give you electroshock therapy when you were in that eating disorder thingie? You totally have a sister. You guys were on that TV show forever, like when you were little kids? Remember? You guys are twins, or something.

NICOLE: Paris, that's Mary-Kate Olsen.

PARIS: YOU'RE Mary-Kate Olsen.

NICOLE: NO, I'M NOT.

PARIS:...are you sure?

NICOLE: YEAH.

PARIS: Really? Because I think you're wrong. You look just like her. Do you have your driver's license with you? Because I don't think I believe you.

NICOLE: I'M NOT MARY-KATE OLSEN.

PARIS: Then who the hell are you?

NICOLE: It's NICOLE.

PARIS: Richie?

NICOLE: YEAH.

PARIS: Oh.

NICOLE: YEAH.

PARIS: Um. So, this is awkward.

NICOLE: YEAH.

PARIS: I guess the friends thing is off again, then.

NICOLE: You know what you did.

Welcome to the World, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern

Good luck, kiddo.

OMFG Please Watch House of Carters

ARE YOU WATCHING HOUSE OF CARTERS? Because these Carter boys are not going to stop humiliating themselves in the press until you do, and I don't know how much more of it I can take. As if Hilary Duff hasn't had a hard enough month, Aaron Carter announces that he cheated on her toward the end of their relationship. "She was my first love," he says, "and, actually, I never cheated on her...until towards the end."

The admission comes just a couple weeks after Aaron's brother Nick spoke to the press about cheating on former girlfriend Paris Hilton and losing his virginity to an infamous pedophile. Please, guys, please. Make it stop.

Christ, Lindsay, When We Said You Should Gain Some Weight, We Didn't Mean That Much

Rick Salomon and Eve?

In Touch magazine is reporting that Rick Salomon and rapper Eve were spotted getting cozy at Hyde nightclub. Is the infamous Eiffel-towered star of One Night in Paris planning to title his sequel Summer's Eve? Or perhaps Paris Hilton's former boyfriend has finally found a starlet willing to insert a liquor bottle into her lady parts while being videotaped, an area in which Paris was a grave disappointment. Eve does have a history of sex toys and videotape. Regardless of their individual rationales, rest assured that the real loser here is you, as you're sure to be up all night, engaged in a Jacobian wrestling match with the God of your personal allegiances, struggling to determine which of them you actually care less about.



[via Bossip]

Because I Write This Blog and You Don't

If I want to post the video for J.C. Chasez's "All Day Long I Dream About Sex", from 2004's Schizophrenic, just because I think it is gloooooorious, then that is what I will do.

TomKat Wedding Crisis

Katie Holmes' Catholic parents have threatened to boycott her wedding to Tom Cruise if it's held in the Scientologist tradition. They also object to the Rob Thomas mask he insists she wear throughout the ceremony.

Relieve the Magic

Over four years after the accusations surfaced, R. Kelly's trial for urinating on an underage girl (and videotaping it) begins in Chicago.

Jessica Alba Does Jessica Simpson

No, not like that.

I have no idea why it's clips day today, but it is. I found this old MadTV parody of Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica on Wampoon, and I'm posting it because:

a) It's really funny.
b) Jessica Alba looks hot in it, and I've heard that all three of the heterosexual male readers of this site enjoy looking at Jessica Alba, particularly when she looks hot.

Saturday Afternoon Round-Up

• Sofia Coppola's job requires her to watch her cousin get nasty. Weird.

• Christina Aguilera takes a cue from Pink, pees wherever.

• This week's Lindsay Lohan crotch shot. I'm pretty sure she's not wearing underwear, but at least she remembered to wear cheesy black nylons.

• There's no specific item to link to here, but if you're not reading The Gilded Moose at least once a week, you're not really living. I can't stress this point enough.

• Even David Letterman can't salvage a Nicky Hilton interview.

• VH1 takes on the daunting task of counting down the Dumbest Celebrity Quotes. From our darling drunkie, Tara Reid: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist."

Update: I just rewatched that Nicky Hilton interview, and I've decided people are being too hard on her for it. She carries herself extremely well and with a great deal of class. Her composure and refusal to tag along with Letterman on his dirt-fishing expedition don't make her boring, just a more tolerable human being than her sister. We hate Paris for being unnecessarily obnoxious and stirring up drama in front of a national audience, and now we're going to diss Nicky for doing the exact opposite? I may lose my official gossip blogger card for this, but I call bullshit. No, she's not particularly funny (at least not on purpose), but she's never claimed to be. You're alright in my book tonight, Nicky.

New Artist Alert: Imogen Heap

I guess she's not really a new artist, per se, but she's new to me. Check out the video for "Goodnight and Go," from her Speak for Yourself album. Thanks to Tiffy for the heads-up on her.

Old School Tori on The Daily Show

Not sure what made me think of this, but for some reason that god-awful Tori Amos Daily Show interview popped into my head today. I thought it might be on YouTube, and, sure enough, it was. Now, my friends will attest that I am a HUGE Toriphile, as well as a HUGE Stewartphile (there's not really a cutesy name for Stewart fans...I guess we can just go with "Democrats"), so this interview was terribly disappointing for me, and really tested my allegiance to Tori. I still love her, though, so I'm throwing the "Sorta Fairytale" video on here, too.





Update: Am I absolutely crazy, or is the guy in this video Adrien Brody?

We Will Miss You, Jessica Coen

It's Jessica Coen's last day at Gawker, and out of a loyalty to someone I adored before I even knew her name (and who, to this day, has yet to reciprocate on either count), I just want to state for the record that I, too, think Star EIC Joe Dolce is a total douchebag.

Good luck at Vanity Fair, Jessica.

Oh, and I applied for your job. Put in a good word with Lockhart. :)

Us Weekly Soul-Baring May Not Have Been Sufficient Treatment for Tara Reid's Alcoholism

Tara Reid doesn't seem to get it.

Tara, sweetheart: The boobs are not the problem. The alcohol is the problem.

Via Radar:

Tara Reid clearly likes the idea of her hard-partying days being behind her, but she looked pretty shit-faced two weekends ago at a wedding in Santa Barbara.


A fellow attendee claims Reid...began her drunken antics at the rehearsal dinner. "She was the definition of a trainwreck, loudly heckling the family and friends of the bride and groom during their speeches," says the source. Worse yet, Reid wasn't even invited: "One of the groom's buddies brought the Reid-tard as his date without telling anyone," says the spy. "If I were the groom, I'd beat the crap out of the guy."


The following night, Reid appeared to be "blackout drunk before the reception even started." But everything had a happy ending. Sort of: "the wedding itself was actually dreamy because Tara spent the night outside in the lobby, crying her drunk face off."

Hey, Courtney Love, maybe you should add Tara to your chanting list. She can come right after horses.

"Ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy!"

It's a slow news day, and I just discovered this link to the Chaotic video footage where Britney talks about her sex life with Kevin Federline. Note that this is before they were married, and even before he was really her boyfriend. She'd just flown him out to Europe to bang her three times a day. And she is loving it.

I don't know why I'm in such a nice mood lately, but I actually think the footage is kind of sweet. Brit had spent a long time being heartbroken over the loss of JT (I know, I know, she cheated on him, but we all make mistakes), and you can almost tell how relieved she is to have someone in her life who makes her happy again.

And when that love high wore off, she had a kid. And then another one. Just keep filling that hole, Brit.

No pun intended.

Sara Evans' Husband is a Dirty Whore

Country singer Sara Evans, who currently appears on ABC's hit Dancing with the Stars, announced on Thursday that she will be dropping out of the show to cope with her divorce from her husband of thirteen years, Craig Schelske.

I can't say I blame her. Have you ever been bored and lonely (and possibly a little bit drunk) on a Saturday night and spent a few minutes (or hours) perusing the Craigslist Casual Encounters listings just to assure yourself there are people out there far more sad and desperate than yourself? No? Oh. Yeah, me neither. But, anyway, there are people who utilize those listings in earnest, and those people, apparently, count Sara Evans' husband among their ranks. Schelske's posts "involve requests for three party sex and anal sex," and her Prince Charming allegedly has on his computer at least 100 photographs of himself posing in an aroused state.

If that's not enough of a fairy tale, Evans' Romeo watched sexually explicit videos in their home in front of their three young children, allegedly prompting one of the kids to "confront" him about the porn on the TV. I'm not sure exactly how a young-child-to-porn-watching-father "confrontation" plays out, but I'm sure it's not representative of a happy home.

Think on the bright side, Sara: There are, like, eight solid country albums in this.

Hilary Duff Has Earned Herself a Stalker

Disney's teen queen, Hilary Duff, and her boyfriend, Good Charlotte's Joel Madden, stated in court documents filed Thursday that they fear for their lives after being stalked by two men during the past six weeks. The men in question are Max, a 19-year-old immigrant from Russia, and his "roommate," David Joseph Klein, age 50. See? All the real crazies go by three names.

According to the documents, Max has stated that he intends to purchase a weapon, and "has threatened to kill himself and to engage in dramatic actions." He allegedly emigrated from Russia to the U.S. two years ago for the sole purpose of being Hilary Duff's boyfriend (they issue visas for that?) and said that he would "remove enemies" in his path -- specifically Duff's current boyfriend, Madden. Duff and Madden are requesting that the two hopeless romantics stay at least 100 feet from them and their family members.

Update: I just read that Hilary Duff will soon be a SIMS character. Maybe Max can just buy the game and "play in bed" with the Hilary character. Or, more likely, send her through a door into an empty room, pause the game, delete the door and replace it with a wall, unpause, and leave her in there to starve. Not that we used to do that a lot in college.

That's My Bush! on DVD

In mid-2001, Comedy Central began airing a brilliant political satire called That's My Bush!, developed by South Park's Matt Stone and Trey Parker. They only showed eight episodes before the show was cancelled in the wake of the September 11 attacks, at which point I'm sure the show's premise seemed inappropriate. Over five years later, those episodes are being released on DVD. To commemorate this fabulous occasion, I'm posting some clips from the show.

It's About Time Somebody Remade Dangerous Minds

Here's the trailer for Freedom Writers, starring Hilary Swank, coming in January 2007. And way to step up the viral marketing, MTV. The IMDB page lists Patrick Dempsey as "attached," but he's nowhere in the trailer, and the thing's gotta be in post by now, so I'm not sure how they're planning to swing that.





[via AllieIsWired]

New Videos from Nick & Jessica

I hate to admit it, but I actually kind of like Jess's new song, "I Belong to Me," and I'm digging the video. The emotions look real, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear she spent a lot of the days on the set crying real tears. It's the first time in a long time I've been able to look at her as an actual person, and get a sense of the hell she's been through this year. It's a positive message, and she carries it well. Props, Jess.

Nick's isn't bad, either, although it sounds more manufactured than Jess's, and I am really, really over beach videos. Like, waves crashing? Clouds in fast-mo? Hey Nick, can you give me more generic? Oh! Sitting on a jagged rock, staring out into the water? Perfect. You forgot to intersperse it with shots of yourself sucking on a mic in a recording studio, but beyond that, genius.

And they both used muted colors. Oh, the angst.

Justin Timberlake's New Video

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the six-minute Gap commercial that is JT's "My Love" video.

We're Gonna Call This One: Madonna Adopts African Boy

Although her publicist is still keeping busy making denials (I assume in an attempt to increase publicity surrounding the event), as E! Online says, "we'll just have to settle for the word of the child's father and a Malawi village chief and the director of the orphanage and an African judge and a pastor and the secretary for the Ministry for Gender and Child Welfare."

The deputy registrar at a local courthouse tells Reuters that "Madonna and the husband filed their papers for an interim order this morning at Lilongwe High Court, and the judge gave the ruling at 2 p.m. this afternoon."

The lucky little man is one-year-old David Banda, whose father placed him in an orphanage after his mother died days after his birth due to complications. "I am very happy," says the father. "As you can see, there is poverty in my village. I know he will be very happy in America." Although Madonna and her husband, Guy Ritchie, currently live in Britain (Duh, isn't it obvious from her accent? Madonna was clearly not born and raised in Detroit), I suppose it's still a small step up from a Malawi orphanage. Congratulations to The Ritchies, and to the luckiest adoptee since Baby Suri!

Brody Jenner Will Not Go Away

That Brody Jenner sure knows how to keep his name in the papers. In July, the Princes of Malibu star (well, he was the star for all two episodes that aired) broke up with Laguna Hills demon Kristin Cavallari, and the nation breathed a sigh of relief, thinking we'd never see or hear from him again. But we were wrong. He quickly hitched his wagon to the galloping publicity horse that is Nicole Richie. She ditched him last week.

Uh oh! How will the 23-year-old rich kid ever be relevant now? Hm. Maybe if he decided to hook up with Kristin Cavallari's longtime nemesis, Lauren Conrad. Yeah, that would probably do the trick. Might even come with a guest spot on LC's latest reality show, The Hills. Good thinking, Brody!

Update: BWE just totally called the parallel between Jenner's Laguna Beach double dipping and Adam Duritz's Jen Aniston/Courtney Cox fuckfest back in the day.

I'm Sick Today. Phoning It In. Sorry for the Unfunny.

• Is Natalie Portman dating British billionaire Nat Rotschild? Say it ain't so!



• Mary-Kate Olsen is totally her new boyfriend's Mini Me.



• While taping Oprah on Wednesday, Jennfer Aniston claims she and Vince Vaughn have not broken up, but also notes that they're not engaged. Um, did anyone mention to Ms. Aniston that there are pictures of the man she's not broken up with making out with a woman who's not her floating all over the Internet?



• I'd be excited to run into Counting Crows' Adam Duritz pretty much anywhere, with the exception being on my boyfriend's back. (In tattoo form.)



• I haven't written much (read: anything) about the YouTube channel Diddy started with Burger King; while I consider myself Web 2.0-savvy, I have to admit, I just don't understand how it could possibly work. I feel a little better about that, now, because neither does most of the country.



• Premiere Magazine lists The 50 Biggest Hollywood Disasters, for your trainwreck-viewing pleasure.

Angelina Jolie's Blackface Not a Big Hit with One Black Person

The casting (and cosmetic skin-darkening) of Angelina Jolie as the mixed-race Marianne Pearl in the upcoming A Mighty Heart, about the life and death of journalist Daniel Pearl, is reportedly drawing some criticism.

"I had assumed that the days when white actors took on the roles of black people had long passed away... There are mixed-race or black actresses who could have done a damn good job in this role," says the blogger at BlackLooks.org, continuing that "what is taking place here is an act of arrogance and whitewashing by people who think that because they are super-rich they can be anything they want."

What does the actual Marianne Pearl think of all this? "I’m delighted Angelina Jolie will be playing my role. I deeply admire her work."

Honestly, what's retarded to me about all this is that the BlackLooks.org blogger wrote this stuff in mid-July. Personally, I agree with very little of what she says, but why is it surfacing in mid-October? Is it because now we have photos from the set of Angie with dark skin (which appears to be perfectly tastefully done)? Are we vamping up the publicity process for the movie via a single blogger whose opinion, voiced briefly nearly three months ago, is being twisted to represent that of the entire African American community? Did no one else actually visit BlackLooks.org to read the blogger's comments in context?

Tara Reid Thinks She Was at Some Point Perfect

Much to-do has been made this morning about the latest Us Weekly cover featuring Tara Reid and her shameless ploy for publicity plastic surgery nightmare. If you'd like some choice quotes from Tara regarding her botched boobies, you can read them here.

What I'd like to discuss today is the quote run on the cover: "I'll never be perfect again."

I love this. It's quintessential Tara. The implication that she was, at any point, perfect, is insane to me. Where on the timeline of your career were you previously perfect, Tara? Did it coincide in any way with Taradise? With your ill-advised engagement to Carson Daly? With Josie and the Pussycats? I'm just wondering.

DRAMA!!!! Eric "McSteamy" Dane is Married to Dylan's Dead Wife!!!!

Oh, this is so sad. This post was supposed to be much, much funnier. I heard a little rumor that there was a scuffle on the set of Grey's Anatomy, between Dempsey and Isaiah Washington, so I checked out Grey's Anatomy Insider for more information. For those of you who actually cared about this -- they fought because they're incredibly vain (and prolly jealous that hottie Eric Dane officially joined the cast), and then they made up, and said incredibly vain and vaguely homoerotic things to the press. Good? Good.

Because it's all downhill from there.

I figured while I was on the GA Insider, I'd check around and see if there was anything else of interest to me. And was there ever! If by "interesting" you mean "emotionally crippling," of course.

Look at this:

Dane is married to actress Rebecca Gayheart, who fans may remember from Noxzema commercials, a stint on Beverly Hills: 90210 and other roles.

Damn you, Noxzema Girl! First you take Dylan McKay, and then, when we think you're good and dead at the hands of his father's ruthless enemies, you swoop back in and take McSteamy. I hate you.

Vince Vaughn's New Girl Has a Really Great Personality

[via PerezHilton]

You Can Please Some of the Browsers Some of the Time...

We're getting a make-over here at The Beet, and we hear murmurings that it's not working out so hot for all of your browsers. If you're having a problem viewing posts in the new format, shoot us an email. If you could let us know what browser you're using and what version, and explain the problem, we'll love you forever. If you attach a screen shot of the problem, too, you are so getting laid.

Donald Trump Thinks Angelina Jolie's a Dirty Slut

Finally The Donald and I agree on something. Because I'm still mad that Randal beat out Rebecca, and that was like 8 seasons ago. From a recent interview on Larry King Live.

KING: OK, back to some thing current. You recently applauded Brad Pitt's stance on not marrying Angelina Jolie. I believe you said that you consider everyone -- when he said everyone should be married but don't bug him, why?

TRUMP: Well, look, number one, I know her father. Her father is a nice guy. I think she treats him like a dog but maybe they have some kind of a thing.

KING: Yes, why, he's a good guy?

TRUMP: I mean this poor sap he comes along and he practically begs her, "I want to see my grandson. I want to see this." I mean if I were with him, I'd say "Forget it. It's over."

KING: He's also a great actor, Jon Voight.

TRUMP: I think he's a great actor and she just treats him terribly. She's been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby, OK, with the other side. And, I just don't even find her attractive. That has nothing to do with why I said it though.

He made that statement, right, and he made it like he's doing this wonderful thing for humanity. I think he probably made it just because he doesn't want to get married, which is, you know, not so bad.

KING: You've been quoted...

TRUMP: But I'm not a fan of hers as you probably noticed.

Check out more of the transcript for Trump's esteemed opinions on K-Fed and Paris Hilton.

Vince Vaughn Making Out with Some Chick

Bad day for Jennifer Aniston, good day for The Sun. After knocking it out of the ballpark with their hard-hitting headline on the North Korean nuclear crisis, they report that a drunken Vaughn was making out with a mystery blonde in London:

The comedy actor got up close with the mystery girl after arriving for a London showbiz bash in a stained sweatshirt and with the fly of his jeans undone.The Dodgeball funnyman’s unkempt appearance amazed fellow guests at the after-show party for a theatre event he starred in.

Seriously, The Sun is on fire. (Har har har). Now if only they could find a copy-editor who knows how to spell "theater."

MTV So Ready to Infect You

MTV comes out with a Room Raiders for the born-after-1995 set -- Meet or Delete is a dating show in which contestants are allowed to rummage through one another's computers. The premise itself isn't terrible, and allows for all the interacting-with-ex-girlfriend-via-IM drama that Room Raiders lacked, but, as Gawker points out, the show's current viral marketing is retarded.

Firstly, they've located their viral video at the following URL:

http://mod.mtv.tv/viral/film1_640-480px.jhtml

And it looks more like unused footage from The Ring than a plug for a dating show.

On the other hand, though, I'm writing about it.

The British Are Brilliant

From today's edition of The Sun.

[via BestWeekEver]

[you know, I accidentally mistyped that as BestWeedEver, and it occurred to me that, if you were smart, you'd buy that domain name]

"Fashion Show at Lunch!"

From last week's episode of The Office. Somehow, it gets funnier every time I watch it.

Tim Allen Gets Married

I'll admit I have a strange fondness for Tim Allen. I feel I have to explain this.

Long, long ago, I started a fledgling, vaguely celebrity-focused blog, which I would call The Evil Beet. I wasn't entirely clear on the scope or the voice, and I'd grabbed a pre-fab pink and purple template from Blogger (in retrospect, it was awful, and I apologize to those of you who were readers back then), and I sat for hours deciding what my first entry would be.

Earlier in the day, a friend of mine, a writer for Nickelodeon, was scripting a show that had Tim Allen lined up as a guest that week. He was frantically scouring the Internet for information on Allen, trying to come up with fun, kid-friendly questions.

Out of a sheer desire to be helpful (read: utter boredom), I offered to help. In my own research, I stumbled upon the inimitable Tim Allen blog, and, specifically, his thoughts on capitalism. I also came across the little-known fact that Allen had been arrested in the 70s for -- what else? -- being so damn funny it was a crime! Nah, I'm just kidding, it was drug trafficking. My friend reluctantly informed me that neither of these finds would be of much use to him in the process of scripting a kid's show, but they formed the basis for the very first entry in the Evil Beet blog.

So, thanks, Tim Allen, and best of luck in your marriage.

Amber Tamblyn Nip Slip

Where's your God now, Joan of Arcadia?

Get the uncensored versions here and here.

Google Purchases YouTube for $1.65B

If you have a strange sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach about this, rest assured it's warranted. Now that corporations have someone with assets to sue for the illegal duplication and distribution of their content, YouTube is going to be a lot less fun.

So enjoy the leaked clips of Kevin Federline on CSI while you still can.

Next Time, Lindsay, Put on Your Make Up First, Then Do Drugs

Paris Hilton and Courtney Love BFF Again?

Oh, wait, I've just received word that the other person in this photo is actually Nicole Richie.

What is it with the Courtney Love look lately? Courtney Love is the new black.

Anyway, X17's got the celebutard reunion on tape.

Confirmed: Jessica Simpson Looks Like Hell in Person Lately, Too

We've all witnessed the persistent stream of atrocious, what-was-she-thinking pictures of Jessica Simpson lately, but is it possible the camera just doesn't do her justice? I mean, how could she possibly allow herself to walk out the door each day looking as bad as we think she does?

E! Online's Lara Morgenson attended the opening of the newest Hollywood hot-spot, Area (how is a club already a hot-spot upon its opening? How?? (Answer: Brent Bolthouse)), and had a run-in with Simpson and CaCee Cobb in the women's restroom. Here's what Lara had to say:

I'm doing my thing in the little girls' room, when Jessica and onetime BFF Cacee Cobb barge in. I can't get over Jess' look: She's like a younger version of Courtney Love, with smudged red lips and disheveled hair. Seriously, what gives? As Jess and Cacee wait in line, their eyes are literally fixated on their reflections. Jessica starts playing with her short bob, pulling it into a ponytail, while her pal scrutinizes. "No, no--stop it," Cobb instructs. "Leave it down. It looks much better that way." With a sigh, Jess purses her lips and complies, letting her fried platinum locks fall back to her shoulders, then trots back out to her table.

Wow, I've heard some pretty mean things said about Jess lately, but "a younger version of Courtney Love?" Ouch.

I Should Spend Some Time Reflecting upon What Has Become of My Life

Cuban dictator extraordinaire Fidel Castro was reported to have terminal cancer on Friday by Time.com. The impending death of the longtime Communist leader is an event with marked history-changing potential.

I heard about it today, Sunday, on PerezHilton.com, while searching for fresh dirt on Paris Hilton. And most of you will hear about it tomorrow, Monday, here on The Beet, while searching for fresh dirt on Paris Hilton.

Oh, come on, don't pretend you already knew. Unless you read Perez's blog first.

We are, truly, a generation to be reckoned with.



Update: North Korea has nukes, as of, like, an hour ago. Ha! I totally scooped you, Perez!

New Artist Alert: Kim Kline

LA-based Kim Kline rocks out on her first single, "Inside." It's definitely chick rock, but it's catchy. Her manager sent me her publicity package, and I dutifully went to check out the single, fully expecting to be utterly bored and unimpressed, as I typically am with new artist packages, but I found myself listening to her single over and over again. She's not breaking new musical ground or anything, but the song's relatable with a fabulous hook. Oh, and she's real purty. You'll be hearing it on the radio soon enough. Check it out here.

Scott Stapp Is a Drunken Douchebag

I'm no expert on Jesus, Mr. Stapp, but, from what I've been told, he wasn't real big on gambling, drinking to excess, or announcing that Dave Grohl has a tiny penis on television. But I suppose you'd know better than I.



[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Oh Look There's Weed in Paris Hilton's Bag

Either that or she never knows when she'll need pepper flakes.

[via Horny Oyster]

Saturday Night Fever

• Jamie Lee