Avril Lavigne Says She's Sorry for Spitting at People

But I'm still holding out for an apology for her first two albums.

Want Some Cheap Publicity for your B-grade Horror Flick?

Make the absurd statement that it could have saved Natalee Holloway's life.

Rock My World! Anna Nicole Has a New Lawyer!

Wow, my sense of security in this world just took a major hit.

We reported earlier in the week that Anna Nicole Smith married her longtime lawyer, Howard "Not the Shock Jock" "K." Stern.

Now word is coming through that the marriage was "not legally binding," and the vows were just part of a "commitment ceremony." Apparently heterosexual marriage isn't allowed in the Bahamas -- well, it's allowed in Freeport, but then it won't be recognized in Nassau, which specifically voted to ban heterosexual marriage, considering it a "vile affront to encouraging hot chicks to go down on each other, i.e., tourism."

Here's what rocks my world: This statement was made by Michael Scott, Anna's attorney.

What happened? Howard K. Stern has been Anna's lawyer since the dawn of time! Since J. Howard Marshall was born, it seems! Does Anna need a new lawyer now that she's in love with her old one? Who's writing the pre-nup? I really don't know if I can get used to this.

Celebrities Except Fatter: A World Imagined

There's more where that came from.

Is This for Real? Nick Carter Lost His Virginity to Debra LaFave

These Carter kids are really invested in their upcoming reality show, House of Carters. I thought they'd pulled out the big guns when Aaron proposed to a Playboy model earlier in the month (he quickly rescinded the offer). But they were just getting started.

We bloggers are gonna write about that damn show each and every day, and if it means Nick Carter has to admit to losing his virginity to and currently being a little bit in love with an infamous pedophile on Howard Stern's radio show, THEN THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

Nick Carter told Stern that, as a teenager, he lost his virginity to Debra LaFave, the Florida eighth-grade teacher who was arrested for having a lot of sex with her 14-year-old student. LaFave was 23 at the time. Carter and LaFave met -- where else? -- in church. Their budding relationship ended when LaFave cheated on him with a chick.

Nick -- who's been linked to Paris Hilton and Willa Ford -- also says that “a lot of the girls I’ve had the best sex with or best anything with have been just normal girls.” And by "normal girls" he of course means "insecure groupies who'll seriously put anything in their ass. Like, anything, guys."

But the "normal girls" can't hold a candle to LaFave's brand of crazy hot chick. Nick shares that she is the best lay he's ever had, and that "I always thought I wanted to go back and rekindle it with her, but now it's too late for that."

I smell a cameo.

Ew!

This woman has been growing her nails since 1979. She is also the proud teacher of the best-behaved third-grade class in the history of the world.

MCSTEAMY IS BACK!

• Jessica Coen is leaving Gawker for Vanity Fair, where she'll be their "deputy online editor." In my mind, the "deputy" part of this keeps conjuring up an image of a wide-eyed Coen staring up at Graydon Carter, who's pinning a bronze star on her lapel and saying something along the lines of "Welcome aboard, pard'ner."


• Here's a Paris Hilton nip slip.


• Britney Spears either fired publicist Leslie Sloan Zelnick or she didn't. As long as the kid's still named Sutton Pierce, I don't see what difference it makes.


• Was Lindsay Lohan paid to go out with Harry Morton? Or did she go out with Harry Morton voluntarily and then get paid to act like she was paid for it? Or did she pay Harry Morton to act like he was paying her to act like she was paid to go out with her and then pay him to act like he was paying her to go out with him but didn't want anyone to know that he was being paid for it? Or did she marry her lawyer wearing a pink bikini on a yacht off the coast of Nassau just 18 days after the sudden death of her only son? It's very difficult to keep all this straight.


• Did you guys see McSteamy last night?? HE WAS LITERALLY STEAMY!!! Oh, McSteamy, be mine forever?

Someone Might Want to Update The 12 Traditions

"We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."

They should probably try to get blogs in there for the next edition.

An observant blogger realizes that Nicole Richie was photographed leaving the West Hollywood Recovery Center as a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting was ending. Maybe she never had an eating disorder after all.

Update: I thought about this more, and the only CMA/AA meetings on a Wednesday (when these photos were taken) end at 8 pm, and there's no way it was this bright out at 8 pm this late in September. I live in this city. Still, the WHRC is most definitely a 12-step center.

Catching Up: Luckily Nothing Happened Today Except that Anna Nicole Wedding Thing

• Avril Lavigne spits at photogs at her 8th 22nd birthday celebration.
• Ivanka Trump may be the new face of Tiffany & Co.
• Jessica Simpson is not in a very good mood lately. [The link also includes a video of Ashlee performing -- to rave reviews -- in Chicago...possibly a source of big sis' jealousy...er...grumpiness?]
  
• Is Arizona the new Hollywood? Because I can assure you that Janet Napolitano was at no point Miss Universe.
  
• Hey, Jenny McCarthy, we can handle pictures of you sitting on the toilet, we can stomach the fart jokes, and we're okay with all the very grossest details of pregnancy, but do you really have to talk about sex with Jim Carrey?
  
• Yom Kippur is fast approaching, and you can stop kidding yourself. You may be taking the day off, but you are sooo not going to be in temple, unless you consider the matinee of Jackass: Number Two your religious headquarters. So, call Stephen Colbert at 1-800-OOPS-JEW, and atone for your sins, heathen.
  

Anna Nicole Marries Howard K Stern!

Star magazine reports that Anna Nicole Smith married her lawyer and constant companion, Howard K. Stern, in the Bahamas on Thursday morning. The ceremony took place on a yacht off the coast of Nassau, and Anna Nicole wore a pink bikini for the event.

Update: According to Perez, this quickie marriage may be an attempt to prevent a paternity suit by Larry Birkhead, a former fling of Anna's who is claiming to be the father of the baby. Perez's source says:

"I am positive that the reason they got married is because under the family law in the Bahamas, if a person marries the mother AFTER birth of the child AND acknowledges he is the natural father (which Howard Stern did on the Larry King show) -- he is presumed under their laws to be the father of the child."

In effect, this prevents Birkhead from filing a paternity suit and from insisting on a DNA test. Smith recently became a legal resident of the Bahamas.

This just keeps getting stranger.

Out and About Today

Posting will resume this evening. Until then, check out My Evil Cohorts, or come be my friend on mySpace.

- The Beet

Today in Believe It or Not: Daniel Smith's Death Drug-Related

Cyril Wecht -- the man who single-handedly taught a nation what "pathologist" means -- announced Wednesday that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel died from a combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro.

The Zoloft and Lexapro are commonly prescribed for depression -- a disease from which Daniel reportedly suffered -- but they're from the same class of drugs, and it would be unusual for them to be prescribed for concurrent use. Methadone is an opiate sometimes used to treat chronic pain in cancer patients and the like, but it is more often used by recovering heroin addicts. Or 20-year-old kids who figure that, if they mix it with a bunch of depression meds, they'll catch a killer buzz, or at least be able to dull whatever pain comes along with a Daniel Smith childhood and genetic framework.

So that's the shocking conclusion: drug overdose, probably accidental. It's in all respects a tragedy, but I hope that, with the level of publicity this story's received, someone somewhere will think twice before they try the same thing, and some good can come of all this.

Clips from the Screech Sex Tape!

Watch it here!

A lovely quote from Screech himself:

"If you freeze-frame right at the blue jelly double-cock, um, I believe there's poop on the end of it...I can't wait to see what Mark [I assume -Paul Gosselaar] does to top this. He won't be able to come close, I'm sure, because poop was involved in mine."

I'm sure Mark-Paul Gosselaar is thrilled beyond words to know that he is referenced in Dustin Diamond's scat-tastic sex tape.

Also, the kids at Best Week Ever have put together this list of other Screech sex moves you might want to try with your partner(s). An excerpt, if I may:

The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”

Quote of the Day

"Your research in phytoplankton ecology intrigues me, and I’d love to learn more about it. I have always been interested in harmful algal blooms."

From my sister's letter of introduction to a university professor whom she hopes will sponsor her as a Ph.D. candidate in marine biology.

It's so true. Back when we were little kids, I always wanted to dress up Barbies and ride bikes and play M.A.S.H, but all she ever wanted to do was play with harmful algal blooms. It was a real point of contention with the folks.

Lunchtime Quickies: Nick Carter Would Like You to Hate Paris Hilton, Watch His Television Program

• God bless the British press. They've got a pic of cocaine in its natural habitat -- the inside of Kate Moss's nose.


• If the standard blow-up doll isn't doing the trick anymore, you can bid on an actual Fembot on eBay.


• Nick Carter: "Paris Hilton is a psychotic evil whore blah blah blah blah hey by the way I have a television show coming out."


• Jamie Pressly gets engaged and Kate Hudson files for divorce.


• Do you want a George W. Bush butt plug? Perhaps for use in conjunction with your Fembot? Okay, okay. Just promise you'll think about it.


• ABC's website has a clip of the Terri Irwin interview that will air on 20/20 tonight.


• I can't believe I am linking to Perez Hilton just because I agree with his taste, but I am. Regina Spektor rocks, and when you're done listening to the new Killers album, you should check her out.


• Lost star Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje ayddibug ukilolopoti yi Abptu daka-daka shrekpiti.

No For Real Though You Should Listen to the New Killers Album on The Leak

Because it, like, doesn't suck at all.

There is a Screech Sex Tape and It Involves a Dirty Sanchez

I don't really know what else to say about this. It's like standing at the edge of Victoria Falls, feeling the soft mist on your face and watching the sunlight dance along the currents and the greenery and thinking to yourself "I can make this somehow better." No, my friend, you cannot.

Rev Run's Baby Dies Shortly After Birth

And reality TV continues its sharp plunge into actual reality.

Rev Run's wife gave birth on Thursday, but the baby was born with its organs external to its body, a rare condition known as cloacal exstrophy, occuring in only 1 of every 250,000 births. The baby died soon after its birth.

MTV cameras were inside the hospital at the time, but there's no word yet on whether they were in the delivery room.

Howard K. Stern is the Father of Anna Nicole's Baby

This story gets more intriguing by the minute.

On Tuesday night, an obviously distressed Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King Live to announce that he and Anna Nicole Smith have been in a relationship for "a very long time," and that he is the father of her new baby girl, Hannah.

I think on some level I kind of knew this already, but still, it's crazy to watch the video. We forget that these are very real people. This has been a truly horrific month for HKS and Anna, and it's written all over his face in this interview. I feel terrible for him.

Update: I just realized something. If your names were Howard and Anna, and you wanted to name your kid a combination of the two, Jamie-Lynn Spears-style, what would you name it? Probably Hannah.

UpdateUpdate: Apparently the kid's name is now Danilynne, which has something to do with "Daniel" and the fact that Anna Nicole's real name is Vicky Lynn.

UpdateUpdateUpdate: Larry Birkhead is such a fucked up cocksucker.

A Few More Things...

• File-sharing site Limewire is suing the RIAA for anti-trust violations, and they're asking for a jury trial. So it's pretty much the most awesome publicity stunt since that time Aaron Carter proposed to Kari Ann Peniche.

• Katie Holmes agrees to adopt another fake baby with Tom Cruise, if he'll marry her and renew her contract.

• The kids at Best Week Ever have tasted Cocaine: The Drink. The verdict: all the fun of actual cocaine, with 110% of the mysterious itching.

• Eddie Murphy is soooo in love with Scary Spice. It's so nice that neither of them has a career to get in the way of their relationship.
  

Paris Hilton Charged Formally with DUI

• Kari Ann Peniche('s publicist) finally breaks her day-long silence about the abrupt and predictable end to her week-long engagement to Aaron Carter.

• Brandon Davis gets in his second fight this week. I think he and Jason Wahler have an agreement to alternate days.

• Would you like to see a (tragically, censored) video of Steve-O urinating on his own red carpet? You're in luck!

• Paris Hilton is formally charged with that DUI she picked up earlier this month. The maximum sentence is six months in jail, so keep your fingers crossed.

• The new Killers album is available for streaming on The Leak.

• NBC has complete episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Heroes available on its website. Not to be outdone, ABC has most of its primetime lineup available online, too. See, folks? Desperate Housewives may not be funny anymore, but boy oh boy is it ever accessible!

NEW! Lindsay Lohan Tracker!

Albert Einstein once said "Do not worry about your difficulties in math. I assure you that mine are still greater."

This isn't a great parallel, but the quote came to mind. Because however nauseatingly sick you are of every other post on this blog being about what Lindsay Lohan is doing today, I assure you that I am way, way fucking sicker of having to write about it. The jokes run thin real quick, and they weren't that good to begin with. I'm tired of thinking up new ways to be mean to her. The joy is gone. I don't hate her, I don't want her to die or contract E. coli from spinach or continue her pathetic estrangement from her shoe-assaulty father; I'd genuinely like it if she checked into rehab and found a suitable treatment program for her problems with cocaine and alcohol, got into a stable relationship, tied all future Birkin bags to her wrist with rope, and got on with her acting career and life.

Until then, though, we've instituted the Lohan Tracker here at Evil Beet. You'll find it on the upper-right side of this blog, and it'll be updated regularly so that you, the concerned public, can be informed as to Miss Lohan's whereabouts and goings-on, and I don't have to write more than a few words about it daily.

Jason Wahler Arrested...Again

Some very critical stories have broken in the past hour. Normally I like to take little breaks from blogging during the day to, you know, do stuff at the job I have that pays me in cash (rather than critical acclaim) and covers my health plan, but there is simply no time for that today.

• Lindsay Lohan was seen sucking face with Stavros Niarchos last night at Dragonfly. In case you'd forgotten about him already, Stavros is the Greek shipping heir who was at one point engaged to none other than Paris Hilton.






• Laguna Beach's Jason Wahler was arrested -- again -- on Friday, for battery, after an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. I have created an Evil Beet Hypothetical Transcript of said arrest:

JASON: (sniff) Hey, Mr. Tow Truck Driver, what are you (sniff) doing? (sniff)
TOW TRUCK DRIVER: I am towing your automobile because you did something illegal with it.
JASON: No you're not, asshole. You have no right!
TTD: Actually, I do.
JASON: Like hell you do. I think we ought to (sniff) get an officer from the Department of Transportation involved in this little snafu. He is certain to see it from my point of view. (sniff sniff, shiver)
TTD: Okay, I'll summon one.
[both smoke cigarettes]
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION OFFICER: I was summoned?
JASON: Yeah, um, (sniff) this tow truck driver believes he has the right to tow my automobile.
DOTO: As a matter of fact, son, he does.
JASON: Don't you (sniff) know who I am?
DOTO: ...
JASON: (sniff)
TTD: ...
JASON: (punches both men in the face)
And scene.

• John Mayer's blog entry from yesterday is genius.
  

Update: I'm so silly. Hilton dated Niarchos, but she was never engaged to him. She was engaged to an entirely different Greek shipping heir, Paris Latsis. Seriously, if I can't keep things like this straight, what right do I even have to live?

Lunch-Break Quickies: Are Paris & Nicole BFF Again?

• Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn't get any better -- turns out she's a lezzie!




• Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he's now met the requisite media usage quota of "House of Carters" as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.




• KFed's not even going to include "PoPoZao" on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it's being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears' Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.




• Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?




• How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson's vag? A whole "waxing crew," apparently. [via Junkiness]




• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens' Workshop are all like "even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out."
  
• Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.

Nicole Richie Not So Over AM

Nicole Richie has been spotted all over town lately with her new man, longtime friend and Prince of Malibu Brody Jenner. But it was not so long ago that the super-skinny starlet was engaged to DJ AM. Is Nicole really over AM? Well, we can't know for sure, since she didn't wear a t-shirt making any formal statement to the press, but we can look at the evidence and draw our own conclusions.

AM has been spending a lot of time lately with 22-year-old model Lauren Hastings, who has not yet thought to make her mySpace profile private. The song playing on it currently? A DJ AM mix highlighting the fact -- one which friends can attest I have been harping on for years -- that the Chili Peppers' "Dani California" is essentially an uncredited remake of Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane." Because it is. So that's cool.

But anyway. AM is placed third on her friends list. She lists her status as single, but she also lists her hometown as Tijuana and her occupation as "unicorn fluffer." So make of it what you will.

Here's the dirt:

Nicole was recently celebrating her 25th birthday at Teen Vogue's Young Hollywood party (um...don't you age out of "young Hollywood" by 21 or so?) when Lauren showed up. At that point, Nicole suddenly asked security to "clear her area," and Lauren was not allowed in.

What's sad to me is that this whole mess could have been prevented with a simple "You Can't Have Him" baby tee.

Lindsay's Post-Break-up Morton Encounter

You know those awkward days after a break-up, where you still have to see the guy every now and then to work out the details? Who's keeping the dog? Where are my bikinis? You owe me $30 for that time I paid for the cab. Won't you please reconsider? Please?

In the new media, EdTV life of Lindsay Lohan, these moments are captured on tape and broadcast to an international audience via the web.

Play along, won't you?

TMZ has tape of Lindsay showing up at Harry's West Hollywood office yesterday, a day after she got dumped by Morton at the Chateau Marmont.

We'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsors. This particular summer in Lindsay Lohan's life has been made possible by the following:

• Pink Taco restaurants
• Rehab energy drink
• Chateau Marmont
• Hyde Lounge
• The island of Maui
• BlackBerry by RIM
• Cocaine
  

Friday Afternoon Round-Up: Linds & Harry Dunzo?

I love it when there's a ton of cool stuff breaking on a Friday afternoon.

• Grey's Anatomy kicks some CSI ass, while ANTM stays fierce on the CW.


• Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard (uuuuugh) rounds out its cast with Justin Long and Maggie Q. The fourth installment of the Bruce Willis-as-Jack-Bauer series begins shooting in Baltimore this weekend.


• Is $1B a reasonable valuation for Facebook? Time Warner CEO Dick Parsons thinks not.


• Holy fucking shit. PerezHilton.com had 2 million unique visitors yesterday. This blog thing may take off after all.


• Nicky Hilton's beau Kevin Connolly punches Brandon Davis in the face -- twice! -- at a party at Paris Hilton's house. Why? Who cares? Way to go, E!


• Making an appearance at the same party was La Lohan, who I hear got her ass dumped by Harry Morton after dinner last night at Chateau Marmont. I've heard from several sources that she and Paris were playing nice at the party, with Paris even trying to convince Linds that the many reports of her talking shit about the broken-wristed starlet were false. My guess? Lindsay'd been trying to keep her nose clean (literally) to maintain a relationship with Harry Morton, who's well known to be sober, but when that fell apart she went crawling back to her old cokey pals, Paris & Co, within hours.

Make Your Own Project Runway Video Mash-Up

Via Bravo's website. Complete with music and special effects. Consider the rest of your day shot. This is awesome.

Update:

Check out the mash-ups we made!

Evil Beet Mash by Evil Beet
Make it Work by Tiffany
Jeffrey by Tiffany

If you've made a Project Runway mash-up, send it our way! We'll link to it.

Lunch Break Quickies: Lindsay Lohan Wants You to Know About Rehab

• Katie Holmes may play the role of Victoria Beckham in an upcoming biopic about Posh's hubby, U.K. soccer star David Beckham.






• A publicity-starved Steve-O urinates on the red carpet at the premiere of Jackass 2. Fair warning: if you click that link, you are going to see his penis.






• Steve-O's penis is lovely treat, but I know what you all really crave is a peek at Rosie O'Donnell's tits. Well, then, you should watch Nip/Tuck on October 3. Or, you know, avoid Nip/Tuck at all costs for the entire month of October, just in case.






• Britney's "manny" leaves her for Jude Law. Maybe he's planning to reunite with Sienna Miller for the fifty-eighth time. She was not such a big fan of the old nanny.






• Keith Richards showed up to film his part as Johnny Depp's father in the third installment of the other national mint, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Rolling Stones rocker was almost too drunk to get through the scene. Where is Courtney Love when you need her?






• If you own an energy drink called Rehab, and you would like people to take pictures of your product and write about it on the Internet, you do whatever it takes to get that can into the sweaty, shaky hands of Lindsay Lohan. But how to do that? It just seems to good to be true. It took me awhile to find much information on the product, since any google search for "lohan rehab" or "rehab beverages" provides a million hits I can't use, but I finally tracked down their website. They're a Las Vegas company, and it looks like they're partnered with Pink Taco, a chain of Mexican restaurants owned by Harry Morton, Lohan's boyfriend. Mystery solved.

Jared Leto Doesn't Think I'm Funny Either :(

Ah, blog backlash. As a mounting wave of celebrity vitriol prepares to crash upon the shores of the next generation of opinion makers -- those who don't have to run their words past an editor -- a once-hot Jared Leto has grabbed his eyeliner and is writing mean things about us on bathroom mirrors. Says Leto:

I think that blogs should die a sudden death. It’s just ridiculous. It’s like a playground for four-year-olds. People say and do things in the world of blogs that they would never do in real life, and I think it’s a false experience…The blog is yesterday’s parachute pants. It’s here now but it’s gone tomorrow.

Here now but gone tomorrow? Maybe. But, with any luck, after a 10-year period of utter irrelevance and occasional Lohan-porking, blogs will start an unoriginal band and make an appearance on the VMAs looking like they just wrote a poem in Algebra class. We can hope, right?

[via BestWeekEver]

Stand and Deliver -- a Punch!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

I am so funny. Great title, Beet.

(I did not get much sleep last night.)

Oh sorry you guys don't even know why it's so funny yet.

Or unfunny. Okay then.

So Lou Diamond Phillips was charged with domestic battery today following his August 11 arrest for kicking his girlfriend's ass. Or allegedly doing that. Not sure. I'm too tired to read the legalese.

It's okay, dude. If I were in Hollywood Homicide, I'd be angry, too.

Facebook to Sell to Yahoo for $1B?

[Via TechCrunch]

WSJ reports that "people familiar with the matter" are saying that Facebook has been in acquisition discussions with Yahoo, Microsoft and Viacom over the last year, but Yahoo is looking like the front runner, with a price tag of $1B. That's B like billion.

This is Web 2.0, baby, alive and kicking.

I remember a couple years ago reading an article about how Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook's then-20-year-old founder, had been offered $100M for the site and wasn't interested. He'd said something along the lines of "I'm just having too much fun with it." I'd thought him a total moron. Who the hell walks away from $100M because they're having too much fun? Have fun on your 18 yachts for the rest of your life, retard.

I'm done dispensing free business advice now.

Here are some amusing items from the article:

During one series of talks with Microsoft, Facebook executives told their Microsoft peers they couldn’t do an 8 a.m. conference call because the company’s 22-year-old founder and chief executive, Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg, wouldn’t be awake, says a person familiar with the talks. Microsoft executives were incredulous.

And another:

At one point in the Yahoo negotiations, the talks extended into the weekend, says a person familiar with the matter. Mr. Zuckerberg, this account continues, said he couldn’t take part because his girlfriend was in town. Others pointed out they were closing in on a billion-dollar deal. Mr. Zuckerberg said it didn’t matter: his cellphone would be off, this person says.

I'll tell you, man, if the job of Mark Zuckerberg's girlfriend becomes available in the near future, count me in.


And since I've now cruelly subjected you to more than 3 or 4 words about technology and business, here's a palate cleanser:

Paris Hilton can't remember how she knew who broke into Joe Francis's house and forced the Girls Gone Wild producer to sodomize himself. It was two years ago. She's "not like that smart."

Also:

Nirvana's Nevermind came out fifteen years ago. Yeah. You're that old.

Jayln Cydnee: Because WeLiveIn'ATrailer is Kind of Hard to Spell

On the heels of one Sutton Pierce Federline, here's an encyclopedia of stupid things to name your kid.

[via Junkiness]

Early Morning Musings: Cameron Diaz ASSAULTED!

• People in this country seem to think it would be a good thing if Lindsay Lohan moved to London. Such thinking belies a tacit ignorance of the economic underpinnings of our nation. A drastic shift in the supply/demand curve of the blow industry impacts all of us.
  


• Cameron Diaz filed a police report accusing a photog of assault with a deadly weapon.


• Angelina and Brad continue their tireless quest to buy our forgiveness, donating $1M each to the Global Action for Children and Doctors Without Borders. It's really pathetic, you know, behaving as though a vast improvement in quality of life for thousands of third-world children in any way makes up for the broken heart of one first-world Jennifer Aniston. You two sicken me.


• Someone went Wild On...Brooke Burke. Check out pics of her preggers. And, for the record, I tried very hard to think of something more current to pun on than an E! series she wrapped four years ago, but that's really all there is for her.


• No, silly, Chris Klein did not impregnant Katie Holmes. An alien did.

Clip of the Day

This has nothing to do with celebrities or gossip, but it has a whole lot to do with funny, and FUNNY IS WHAT WE ARE ABOUT.




[via SorryIGotDrunk]

Fergie Doesn't Think I'm Funny

Fergie recently made the following statement about gossip bloggers to a gay NYC paper called Homo Xtra:

I just think, ‘Wow, I’ve worked so hard for this, but what are you doing other than sitting there behind your computers and talking shit about people?’ If people don’t like me, fine, but don’t dis people if you’re not getting off your ass and doing something about your own life.

That's so true, dear. We can't all share our vapid, inarticulate opinions with a newspaper. Some of have to do it online.

[via The Deli]

Eat at Joe's

Apparently Joe Simpson didn't get the memo that Dukes of Hazzard sucked. He's planning to open a chain of restaurants called Daisy Dukes, to capitalize on that one movie that capitalized on his daughter's tits and ass. I don't understand how he has time for this sort of endeavor, between micromanaging his daughters' careers and personally photographing their breasts just so, but where there is money to be made from his children's sexuality, there you will find Joe Simpson.

The former reverend plans to launch the restauarant in Las Vegas in 2007. Look for Ride Me: The Jessica Simpson Amusement Park by early 2009.

Midday Mess: Kate & Owen Sittin' in a Tree

• For the eight of you who are still watching the actual SNL rather than the newer, hipper, Sorkin'd-out Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, you'll be sorry (or perhaps not) to hear that the annual bloodletting at the Lorne Michaels antiquity means the show will say goodbye to Chris Parnell, Horatio Sanz and Finesse Mitchell.






• In honor of what would have been Jerry Orbach's 71st birthday, TNT will spend October paying tribute to the late actor by airing every Law & Order episode graced by his unique brand of utter awesomeness.






• American Idol's Clay Aiken talks to Good Morning America about how he reluctantly decided to begin taking anti-depressants, because that discomfort and fear he feels in his own skin is, obviously, the result of a chemical imbalance, and not at all related to a huge part of his identity he plans to hide from everyone at any price.






• After an ear-whisperin' evening at Chateau Marmont and Les Deux, Kate and Owen must be official now. Us Weekly is asking you to name them, so you know it's for real.






• Whatever The View is paying Rosie O'Donnell, she should demand they double it. Today, Rosie keeps the whinefest on our radar by honing her gaydar on Oprah & Gayle King.






• Don't feel too bad about your crazy-ass, shoe-assaultin', cartoon-drawin' pops, Lindsay Lohan -- Jessica and Ashlee's dad is a total headcase, too.

Morning Scoop: Tara Reid Not Really So Psyched on This "Web 2.0" Thing

• Ew! When I reported earlier that House of Carter's Aaron Carter got engaged to Playboy model Kari Ann Peniche, I was completely unaware that Peniche used to date Nick Carter, Aaron's older brother. That is just so wrong.




• Tom Green (remember him? no?) shatters his tibia while skateboarding. He plans to air film of the surgery on his online talk show, Tom Green Live, which certainly won't garner anywhere near the attention he received for his televised testicle surgery, or, you know, for his televised show.




• Where is the love? Justin Timberlake lashes out at the X17 cameramen, and, according to them, has since involved the police. Will someone please give that kid some more of the weed he's cool enough to smoke now?




• Tara Reid's new horror flick, Incubus, is not quite up to straight-to-video standards. Instead, they're sending it straight to download. Tara's not really aware of this news, because she's still on lots of pain meds from her recent breast reduction. They're going to break the news to her when she sobers up, like in a year or so.

An Evil Beet Cock-Block

On August 3, my ever-vigilant mother sent me a link to a website she thought I'd find amusing, DontDateHimGirl.com. I did find it amusing, so much so that I blogged about it, reluctantly repeating names of some of the poor chaps who'd been blasted on the site. I hadn't thought much about that particular post until today, when I received this email, from one of the young men whose name and public blasting I'd re-printed in part:

Dear Evilbeet!

Please help. In your August 3, 2006 blog you discussed the website www.dontdatehimgirl.com and used my profile as an example. Although what you wrote was certainly sympathetic to me, and I appreciate what you said, unfortunately your website is now my highest Google link!! I had a girl that I really liked "google" me and she found that godforsaken website that I'm on and read about me. Needless to say, I haven't seen her since! If there is ANY WAY for you to alter a previous blog and remove me from that entry so that girls that "google" me in the future are not directed to that other website I would be very thankful!

Here is the text about me from your website:

[name removed], of [location removed], sleeps with lots of girls at the same time, and "felt it was okay to Jerk off in front of me on our 1st and 2nd date." I doubt this guy was concerned much with your potential reaction on the first date, sweetie, but I assure you he'd determined it was 100% okay when you showed up for the second date.

Here at the Evil Beet, we believe firmly that one oughtn't hate the player, but rather, the game. We were totally understanding of his crisis and removed any identifying info. Play on, brother.

Liquid Cocaine (and it's legal!)

Redux Beverages in Las Vegas debuted its new beverage at NYC Fashion Week this week: "Cocaine."

The beverage, targeted at party-goers (really? why?), is supposedly 3.5x stronger than Red Bull (its inventor, Jamey Kirby, says it is "350 percent stronger," because, you know, that sounds like more), and -- get this -- has a secret ingredient to imitate the mouth- and throat-numbing properties of actual cocaine.

Their website looks pretty low-budg, which is fine, because you don't really need a complicated marketing strategy when you've named your product after the hippest life-destroying addictive illegal drug on the market. You know everyone at Hansens is slapping their foreheads this week. "Fuck, dude, what were we thinking? Monster? Shit."

I think we're seeing a resurgence in the marketing-by-controversy approach, between this and Survivor: Racist. I hold Ann Coulter single-handedly responsible.

Will Ferrell Sings "Wind Beneath My Wings" on Megan Mullally Show

Check it out on AllieIsWired.

Afternoon Delight: Teri Hatcher Has Not Been Getting Enough Media Attention This Week

• Eminem's trying to work out the details of his divorce from Kim Mathers. Again.



• Scarlett Johansson loves being curvy, and she doesn't want to change a thing about herself. Which is totally fine, but it would be nice if she could change the character she plays every once in awhile.
  


• Teri Hatcher has very expensive THO. According to the Desperate Housewives star, during the show's first season, the producers spent thousands of dollars digitally erasing her nipples. For the love of Christ, will someone please run her picture this week? Next thing you know, she'll be running to the press with some story about how she was sexually molested as a child. What's that? Oh.
  


• "The One Where Joey Represents Himself in Divorce Proceedings with His Estranged Wife"
  
  
• Wait, what? Drugs might be involved in the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son? Surely you jest.
  

Um...Nicole Richie's Going to Die of Anorexia

So, guys, I know it's really funny to make the gimme jokes about the fact that she doesn't ever eat because of a furious and devastating mental illness that has taken complete control of her body, mind and life -- I mean, yeah, that's funny shit -- but, like, if we can be serious for a second, maybe someone who actually knows her might want to consider, you know, trying to save her life. Just a thought.

Listen Up! Lindsay Lohan's Assistant Is About to Tell You What She Needs!

A pretty funny video from X17, as the paparazzi follow LiLo around for the better part of a day. She eats at Il Fornaio with Harry Morton and a woman who is either a rookie personal assistant or a very entitled friend.

Before Lindsay leaves the restaurant, this mystery woman comes out and instructs the paparazzi that she "needs them to stay at least ten feet back." The paparazzi chirp their agreement -- "yes yes, no problem, of course, sure, you got it" -- and, confident her natural genius for paparazzi negotiation has once again worked its subtle magic, she heads back inside the restaurant.

She emerges later with Lindsay, who is instantly clobbered by photogs.

Bam Margera on Jessica Simpson: "Yeah, I Hit That"

Reports are trickling in that Howard Stern got a juicy confession out of Bam Margera on his radio program this morning. Bam says he did hook up with Employee of the Month star Jessica Simpson while she was still married to Nick Lachey.

I didn't hear the show and I haven't seen the transcript, but Jessica was technically married to Nick for nearly eight months after the two were separated, and during that time period, Nick's many conquests were well-documented. So I'll reserve judgment for now.

If you have more details about what Bam told Howard, tip us off!

Random Rant: Misogyny at LAX

This has nothing to do with celebrities, celebutantes or gossip, so if you can't handle some off-topic ranting, please avert your eyes.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm pretty far from a "femi-nazi" label. I mean, I write a gossip blog, for chrissake. I'm not one to hold picket signs or get petitions signed or, god forbid, write my senator. It's wonderful that there are people out there so invested in women's empowerment, and I respect and appreciate their efforts, but I am simply not among their ranks.

But I was pissed off today.

I'm at LAX, outside the Southwest baggage claim, when I walk past a set of magazine racks. On the top of one of the racks, I see a big sign that says "WOMEN'S INTEREST," and beneath it they have all the typical gossip/fashion rags, like Us Weekly, People, InTouch, Cosmo etc. I think to myself, just absently, that it's kind of bullshit they should so blatantly assume that only women read those magazines. Gay men, anyone? Or straight men who want to know just exactly what a woman can tell about him by the way he's decorated his apartment? Sheesh.

Next to it is a rack with a sign that says "MEN'S INTEREST." And I was so pissed off about this that I took a picture with my camera phone. I never do that. But I've posted it here, and I've circled some of the "men's interest" magazines available at LAX, the first stop for many on a visit to our great nation. They include:

• Forbes
• BusinessWeek
• CPU
• Time
• PCWorld
• US News & World Report
• Trump
• The Atlantic Monthly

Golly gee. I didn't realize that MBA I've been pursuing made me so damn butch. Maybe I should drop out and give beauty school another chance. Thank you to one of the largest international airports in both the country and the world for making that so abundantly clear to me.

Remains of the Day: Web 2.0, Where You Too Can Be a Hot Teenage Girl

• Aaron Carter is engaged to Kari Ann Peniche, a former Miss United States Teen who had her title revoked for posing for Playboy. So, Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, you both lost.
  

• Will Brad Pitt replace Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible IV? Paramount hopes so.
  
  
• Accomplished Jew-hater Mel Gibson takes time out from his busy schedule of AA and KKK meetings to make his daughter an MRS.
  
  
• Janet Jackson once "accidentally" used cocaine, and she was so utterly distraught over it that she just had to tell an LA radio station.


• MTV launches Virtual Laguna Beach, begins advertising negotiations with Tampax, Rogaine.
  

The Last Photos of Anna Nicole and Her Son

Taken from her hospital bed, just after her daughter's birth, and before her son's tragic death.

Get to them before her lawyers do.

Busy Busy Go Go

I'm out and about and on airplanes today, so posting will be slow for the rest of the afternoon/evening, but I promise to come back and catch you up tonight, my loves.

You know what you should do in the meantime?

Make friends with The Evil Beet on mySpace. All the cool kids are doing it. That and cocaine.

Second Autopsy on Anna Nicole Smith's Son Still Inconclusive

Cyril Wecht, the famous forensic pathologist (yeah, that's right, I just said "famous forensic pathologist") who performed Daniel Smith's second autopsy said he could not determine the cause of death. According to the report, he was able to rule out heart disease, stroke, congenital illness and foul play. So he is absolutely, positively stumped.

OMFG, let's call in Dr. House.

This is a great mystery for the ages.



Pssst --- did you guys do a tox screen? Because when I did that semester abroad at this one really famous pathology school in Europe, they said, when all else fails, do that.

[source: AP]

Are You Done Yet, Kristin Cavallari?

NYC scenesters say that the former Laguna Beacher has been working it hardcore at NYC Fashion Week, showing up everywhere that'll have her. I hope this signals the decline of the Kristin Cavallari reign, and a possible return to the golden days of the Pax California, where you actually had to be the child of someone famous to get famous for absolutely nothing.

Let's take a look at what Kristin's done since her Laguna Beach wrapped in 2005:

• Dated Brody Jenner (WHO IS BRODY JENNER???)


• Lost Brody Jenner (WHO IS BRODY JENNER???) to Nicole Richie.


• Wore obnoxious t-shirt to express her apathy.


• Started tooling around town with DJ AM, Nicole Richie's ex. Aforementioned apathy seriously in question.


• Hosted "Get This Party Started," a reality series about the devastating impact global warming is having on our planet's arctic regions, a topic dear to Kristin's heart. No, I'm kidding, it was about partying, and it was canned after two episodes. Girlfriend, if Tara Reid can't make that premise work, your amateur ass shouldn't even be trying.


• Landed two B-grade movie gigs: Fingerprints, a no-name thriller in which she appears to have a bit part, and Spring Breakdown, a comedy whose IMDB page doesn't even list a character name for her.

Kristin, sweetie, here's a tip for you. If you want to stay in the papers, take a look around you. What are all the other famous-for-nothing girls doing? What sells magazines? What do rubber-neckers worldwide love to see on a cover?

That's right, honey: Anorexia. It's the obvious next step.

Weekend Round-Up: Mark McGrath Just Wants to Sleep

• Lohan falls and fractures her left wrist at a Fashion Week party. She's claiming that the host of the party, Milk Studios, wasn't careful enough in preventing people from slipping, an egregious oversight they allowed by letting her drunk ass in.
  
• Pret-a-porter was a never a strong point at Fashion Week.
  
• Tara Reid gets a breast reduction, because, you know, that's the problem.
  
• An uber-drunk Mark McGrath barges into the wrong Las Vegas hotel room, wonders where his hookers, music career went.
• Jordan Knight's Wal-Mart record-signing extravaganza doesn't have quite the turn-out he'd hoped for. Unless, you know, he'd hoped for a record-signing extravaganza with fewer than five attendees. In which case, rock on, dude.
  

Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Mom to Go to Hell

If you can believe it, all is not well in the Lohan household.

On Thursday night, La Lohan met up with her mother, Dina, at an NYC restaurant to celebrate her mom's birthday. By the time Lindsay arrived, Dina and four friends were already pretty smashed, and by the end of the first course, Lindsay and Dina were cussing at one another. Lindsay told her mother to "go to hell" and left the restaurant for the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, and later closed down B8.

Her mother stayed at the restaurant, crying and text-messaging furiously for the next 45 minutes, and apparently made five trips to the bathroom, coming back sniffling each time. Sound like anyone you know? The waiters had to help her out of the restaurant four hours later, after she'd paid the $2000 bill without tipping.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. On the surface, it must seem really fun to have a mother who's every bit as much of an alcoholic and cokehead as yourself, but deeper down I can see how it might feel dysfunctional, unstable and petrifying.

Britney Spears' Baby Name Revealed!

It's official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: "Spears") will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.

Friday Afternoon Round-Up: Where Non-Stories Go to Die

• Ben Affleck has to keep taking bad scripts. For his daughter.
  
• Kevin Federline trudges forward with this album of his, getting as far as releasing the cover photo. The album is titled Playing with Fire, and the photo features a glass of Scotch on fire, a work of art executed with that trademark "angsty design student and an illegal copy of Photoshop" flair.
  
• Paris Hilton identifies fuck-buddy Travis Barker as "one of my dear friends." But she's still sleeping with him, of course, because she sleeps with everybody.
  
• Is Sarah Jessica Parker pregnant again?
  
• Winona Ryder poses nude to raise awareness for cancer, Winona Ryder.
  

Jessica Biel is Kissing a Girl

I'm pretty busy today, so posting may be slow, but I figure this'll keep you guys entertained for at least the next couple of hours. Thank you, Jessica Biel; in your desperation, I find hope.

Survivor: Racism: Black People Love Them Some Chicken

For those of you who cynically expected the inaugural episode of Survivor: Racism to be fraught with racial stereotypes and shameless incendiary racist content, you were totally, completely, disturbingly right.

It started almost from minute one, with the contestants placing themselves firmly in their racial places. My guess is the Black team did not spend that entire day discussing their Blackness, nor did the Hispanic team spend the whole day discussing their Hispanicness, but man oh man, it sure was edited to look that way.

My favorite was Cao Boi (pronounced "Cowboy"), a Vietnamese nail salon owner who monologued about how he in no way fit an Asian stereotype, and later proceeded to perform some manner of voodoo when one of his teammates had a headache. He's also wearing a Star of David around his neck, which may have some sort of meaning in Vietnamese culture, too, but every time I see it on him I'm like, "Jew?"

When the White team was cold at night, they cuddled and played footsie and pretty much spent the entire evening touching one another as much as possible. Team Hispanic spoke a little bit of Spanish, said "ay ay" here and there, and otherwise generally minded their own business.

The first part of their main challenge involved building a boat and rowing out to sea to light a torch. Wanna know which team took by far the longest to figure out how to build a boat? You guessed it. So the Black team lost the first challenge, and as a consolation prize, they were able to send one player from the opposing team to "Exile Island," where that player had to remain, isolated, for two days.

In my discussion of their decision-making process, I'd like to go back to the start of the show, at which point the contestants were all on a ship, and were given two minutes to grab what they could from the ship and hop on rafts to go to the island. There were, I believe, two live chickens on the boat at that time. A member of the Black team grabbed one and a member of the White team grabbed the other. However, the member of the Black team looked away for a second, and a guy from the White team took his chicken.

The Black team sent him to Exile Island.

Because he took their chicken.



This is going to be so much fun.

TIVO ALERT!

Guys guys guys guys guys!!!!

You know what premieres tonight????

Survivor: Racism!!!

It is all the rage!!!

It's on CBS guys!!! Check your local listings guys!!!

What on Earth will happen when individuals team up with people of their own race and are pitted in fierce and ruthless competition against people of different races???

No no, not high school.

They're just on an island.

But really.

TMZ had an amazingly funny and racially insensitive readers' poll up about it earlier today, and I wanted to link you all, but apparently upper management got word and they've pulled it. If anyone has a cached version please please send along a screen shot.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

BREAKING: Tom Cruise Still Gay

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again! A male prostitute claims to have had a gay dalliance with Tom Cruise! And someone is using it to try to sell a book! Hollywood Interrupted was "leaked" a chapter. In it, "Big Red" talks about his sexual misadventures with Tom Cruise during the filming of Eyes Wide Shut, as well as his rendezvous with other big name stars. It's definitely not a PG read, and it's not in line to win either a Pulitzer or a spelling bee, but please, please try to hang in there until Red deftly compares anal intercourse with Garth Brooks to "fucking a whale." Because, you know, how funny is that?

While You Were Sleeping: The Edition Where Patrick Dempsey Grabs Your Ass While His Wife's Not Looking

WAKE THE FUCK UP, LOS ANGELES!

Omigod you guys so much has happened since COB yesterday. So pop a couple Tylenol, get that Visine in, and have your morning beer so we can get started.

• Tragic news! Patrick Dempsey's wife had another one of his kids, making you even more of a naughty homewrecking slut when he shows up in your sexual fantasies. Hm. Maybe not so tragic.






• Madonna wants Russia to send her to outer space in 2008. They say no, but they'll consider it for 2009. There's a Lance Bass joke in here, but I can't find it. I'm open to suggestions.




• Orlando Bloom buys his very first computer. The fact that this coincides with his break-up with long-term girlfriend/stick figure Kate Bosworth strikes me as interesting. First person to find his Match.com profile gets a hug.




• 24-year-old rocker Ryan Cabrera is dating Elvis Presley's granddaughter, barely-17-year-old Riley Keough.




• Tori Spelling's first husband reveals the obvious: even her own family thinks she's a spoiled, crazy bitch.

"jason wahler arrested cocaine"

I've had approximately one billion hits with this search term, or a variation upon it, today. So okay.

Yes, Jason Wahler was arrested in NYC on September 1, a little past 4 am, and charged with 3 counts of bribery, criminal possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

So, um, here's what I assume happened:

1) LC's ex-love bumped a few lines (of cocaine. Yes, people. Probably of cocaine. Are you happy now?)
2) He did some stupid shit. (Jason Wahler? You're kidding me.)
3) The cops got involved.
4) The cops suspected and then confirmed that drugs were involved.
5) The words "Don't you know who I am?" were spoken. Probably by both parties.
6) A bribe was offered. Thrice.
7) All bribes were rejected, Jason was arrested.

Update: Oops...He Did It Again!

The 'Hoff: "Dude, I Totally Could Have Banged Princess Di"

David Hasselhoff knows what it's like to have his projects ignored. On June 17, 1994, the Baywatch and Knight Rider star aired a concert on pay-per-view from Atlantic City. The show was created to kick-start his singing career in the United States (he was already something of a sensation overseas). On the evening that it aired, a former NFL star by the name of O.J. Simpson led the LAPD on a slow-speed car chase on the 405. Most viewers chose to watch that, instead.

David Hasselhoff is not taking any such chances with the release of his autobiography, Making Waves. At the launch of his book last night, Hasselhoff chose to rely on locker-room talk about his relationship with none other than Princess Di. He claimed that Di was "smitten" with him and "sparks" flew between them when they met at a London charity event in 1993. Said the 'Hoff:

I felt like she was a little girl caught up in this whirlwind. She was smitten with me since I was so tall. I was smitten with her since she was so tall. But she was married and so was I. I probably would have gone after her if circumstances had been different. In the end, I just wanted to be a friend and to hang out with her.

That's right, dude. You so totally could have had Princess Di. She was totally into you, man. I mean, come on, you're David Fucking Hasselhoff. From Baywatch. If Prince Charles hadn't passed her that will-you-go-out-with-me note in Mr. Macker's Brit Lit course, like, 5 minutes before you did, she would have been all over that shit, man.

It was generous of you to make sure she had the opportunity to tell her side of the story, too, Hoff. Smooth.

[via Junkiness]

Afternoon Delight: The Jessica Simpson Got Fat Edition

• Jessica Simpson hits the street with her sister Ashlee. She's put on a LOT of weight this year, and I think she's trying to hide it with this black parachute of an outfit, but it really just draws attention to it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: her stylists hate her.






• Whitney Houston confirms that she plans to divorce Bobby Brown. Their 14-year marriage survived the fact that they're both egomaniacal crackheads, but it just couldn't make it through a reality TV show. Will you people never learn? Reality TV kills marriages. Always.




• Paris Hilton is fucking Travis Barker for one reason and one reason alone: he is recently separated from the mother of his children and people will talk about it and her picture will be in all the papers. On most days, I find Paris amusingly self-absorbed and her antics voyeuristically engaging. With this, I just think she's a piece of shit. It's low even for her.




• The angry, lucrative buzz surrounding the upcoming season of Survivor: Racism has been more of a dull hum these past couple of days. But CBS was prepared for such a lull with its secret weapon -- a CBS Corp. board member who is also the President of the NAACP. Wanna know what the NAACP thinks of Survivor: Racism today? Not such big fans. Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves. Call your mother. Write your senator. Blog about it. Buzzzzzz.

Another Famous Old Person Has a Lindsay Lohan Opinion

I wish people would leave this sort of work where it belongs, with the bloggers.

Jane Fonda, who is famous, as best I can recall, for workout tapes referenced by Sir Mix-a-Lot and doing something that upset some people during the Vietnam war (I was never much for history), has apparently turned recently to acting, costarring opposite La Lohan in the defining deep-South-blow-job film of our generation, Georgia Rule.

Access Hollywood, dutifully doing their part to stir up the buzz surrounding the film, asked Fonda what it was like working with Lindsay Lohan, and asked for her reaction to a studio exec's accidentally public blasting of her behavior on the set.

"I think every once in a while, a very, very young person who is burning both ends of the candle needs to have somebody say, `You know, you're going to pay the piper, you better slow down.' So I think it was good," she says. "She parties all the time...and you know, she's young and she can get away with it. But, you know, it's hard after a while to party very hard and work very hard. She learned that, I hope."

Fonda also had some nice things to say. "I just want to take her in my arms and hold her until she becomes grown-up. She's so young and she's so alone out there in the world in terms of structure and, you know, people to nurture her. And she's so talented."

Natalie Maines to Bush: "You're a Dumb Fuck"

I'm not really sure what Natalie Maines, of the Dixie Chicks, is thinking. It's been three years since she commented to a London audience that she was "ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas," sending the country music world into its biggest tailspin since Shania Twain showed her belly button in a music video. Angry "patriots" thought she'd never work again, but the controversial singer has another hit record. The first single from the Chicks' new album, "Not Ready to Make Nice," gets a ton of radio play here in Los Angeles, but of course we're a city that recently lost its last country station.

Anyway.

Barbara Kopple is directing a documentary that follows the Dixie Chicks from the peak of their fame through the anti-Bush firestorm, and it features a scene of Maines watching news coverage of President Bush reacting to Maines' comments. ''The Dixie Chicks are free to speak their mind,'' he said, "[and] they shouldn't have their feelings hurt just because some people don't want to buy their records when they speak out. You know, freedom is a two-way street.'' In response, Maines says "What a dumb fuck," and then, to the camera, "You're a dumb fuck."

Now I'm not sure how recently this bit was filmed, and I'm not sure how much editing control Maines had over the film, but frankly, I'm kind of tired of this, and I'd think she'd be too. I'm as liberal as the next Angeleno, but it feels like uniformly despising President Bush is so passe. It's been done. We're all tired of it, on so many levels. He's on his way out. Let's move on.

Picking up the Pieces: Tyra Banks May Actually Be Kind of a Bitch Edition

• Do you want to see more pictures of little Sean Preston Spears waving from the window of his mommy's hospital room? Okay.






• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson accidentally schedule their Maui vacations for the same week. That is so weird.




• Tyra Banks blasts the 'razzi, but not until after she's tipped them off as to where she and Nicole Richie will be doing it.




• Remember how Howard K. Stern's first statement about the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel emphasized that drugs and alcohol were not involved? To the surprise of no one, that is looking less and less true; the more I hear about the situation, the more awful it sounds.

Moby's Take on Suri Cruise

From Moby's blog. I've noted the spelling errors. I post this mostly because I agree, and because it echoes almost eerily the sentiments I expressed when Brad and Angelina stuck their kid on the cover of People. I've corrected the spelling mostly because I don't really like Moby, either, and because nothing's funnier to me than a moral high ground expressed fearlessly and spelled incorrectly. So without further ado:

are you kidding me?
putting your fucking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair?
are they out of their minds?
using a child as a p.r prop???
argh. question: what is more important, your ability to shepherd a child through life and give it a healthy foundation for the hardships of existence, or usingit to get a vanity fair cover?
using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit.
in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing.
i don't know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their children to get better press coverage.
i'm sorry, i try not to be too judgemental judgmental, but it's gross.
shouldn't children have to be cogniscent cognizant of what's actually going on before they're being used by their parents to be on the cover of magazines?
not to sound too old fashioned, but if parenthood and infancy are not sacred in our culture, what is?
it just seems fucking grotesque to me, to use your newborn to get press coverage.
ugh.
moby

Midday Mess: The Liza Minelli Has Herpes Edition

• Nicole Richie and Brody Jenner finally make out in public. Okay, so, now that this happened, can someone please explain to me who Brody Jenner is?






• This Page Six tidbit focuses on how Tom Hanks' first wife basically made him out to be Satan in pre-divorce legal filings (Really? In divorce proceedings? She had negative things to say? I really hope someone thought to write a whole book about this. Someone did? Oh good.), but I'm more interested in the last paragraph, which implies that Tom jacked the Forrest Gump character from a role his brother Jim played in a soft porn flick two years earlier. In fact, Jim's IMDB profile says that he was his brother's "running double" in the film that won Hanks an Oscar. Eeeeenteresting.




• It turns out that whole "six degrees of separation" thing wasn't really based "scientifically" or on "thorough analysis of research results." See? I told you. You cannot go from Jonathan Taylor Thomas to Treat Williams in six steps. It just can't be done.




• Remember when David Gest and Liza Minelli got married, and we all rejoiced, knowing that, no matter what, we were in for years and years of comedic gold? Man, were we ever right. This week, Gest wants their prenup set aside, because Liza is herpetic, alcoholic and abusive. Awesome.
• Dakota Fanning does her very best "Russian hostage chic" for Teen Vogue. Thank goodness the folks at Conde Nast devised a mechanism for getting the Vogue message to even younger women.

Update: Okay, okay. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got this email from one of you. Dave at Maassive would like me to know just how very wrong I am on the JTT->Treat Williams tip. He gets extra points for actually going through Kevin Bacon. Here you go:

Jonathon Taylor Thomas was in Tom & Huck with Brad Renfro
Brad Renfro was in Telling Lies in America with Kevin Bacon
Kevin Bacon was in Loverboy with Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock was in Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous with Treat Williams

Update Update:

You guys just won't let this go. Okay. Super props to Anna for going through Devon Sawa.

Treat Williams in Hollywood Ending with Woody Allen
Woody Allen in Anything Else with Christina Ricci
Christina Ricci in Now and Then with Devon Sawa
Devon Sawa in Wild America with Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Tired of Masturbating to that Same Old Picture of Lindsay Lohan's Vagina?

I kid, I kid. As if anyone who reads this site is into women.

But we are all into the humiliation of other women, particularly those considered more beautiful, important and rich than ourselves. So get the uncensored version of this pic through Perez. It's Lindsay Lohan's vagina, again, in all its hairless glory.

Is it possible she is doing this on purpose? This is the second time in 2 weeks. With all the shopping this girl does, by this point you'd think she'd have bought some underwear.

Happy Morning! It Doesn't Have to be September 11 Again for a Full Year!

HELLO SEPTEMBER 12.

I love you.

• I think our nation's club owners have figured out that turning away Paris Hilton is a surefire way to get their club's name in all the papers. I'm totally okay with that, Rose Bar at Ian Schrager's Gramercy Park Hotel.
• I don't know at what point Tom Cruise stopped being hot, but it totally happened.
• Britney Spears got that baby out, a healthy baby boy born just before 2 am on September 12. After cutting the umbilical cord, the doctors pierced the baby's ear and tattooed his upper arm.
• I don't know if the bigger news is that Jude and Sienna are dating again, or that Us Weekly's blog totally said "f-buddies."
• Justin Timberlake's avant-garde masterpiece, FutureSex/LoveSounds, drops today. You know you've really pushed the boundaries of contemporary soundscape when the whole album is available on MTV's The Leak.
• Eva Longoria takes a pre-emptive strike against her imminent irrelevance; it's not that she won't have options after Desperate Housewives runs its threadbare course, it's just that she doesn't want to do any of them.

Odds and Ends: And Just When You Were Jonesing for a Dana Plato Update

Because if I can't blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.

• David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I'm setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
  
• Sean "Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy" Combs has to ditch the "Diddy" in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
  
• Dana Plato's son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff'rent Strokes star's former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
• Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I'm pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
  
• For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan's stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.
  

Paris, Thank You for Being You

Today has been a real downer of a news day, and here at Evil Beet, we're gonna go to our happy place. Our happy place, of course, is wherever someone is making a total ass of Paris Hilton.

Right now, that place is Sir Richard Branson's Oxfordshire estate in the UK, where he threw a fantastically expensive 21st birthday party for his son Sam. The theme was "Mad Hatter." Don't try too hard to understand why "Mad Hatter" is in any way an appropriate theme for a 21st birthday, just keep telling yourself they're British.

The Bransons invited Paris Hilton, who wanted to come dressed as Alice in Wonderland, the pill-popping star of any Mad Hatter-themed party. When Branson found out, he secretly saw to it that all 60 waitresses at the party were also dressed as Alice, and when Paris arrived, he pretended to mistake her for a member of the wait staff and asked her for a drink.

Thank you, Paris, for providing a small bright spot in an otherwise gloomy day.

I Can't Stay Mad at You, John Mayer

This has been an eat-my-hat sort of week for me. First, much to my chagrin, the oft-maligned-and-usually-by-me Brad Pitt did something awesome. Now, John Mayer, who I consistently find to be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!) gives a pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant interview to Rolling Stone (grrr!). Some highlights:

On Brangelina: “Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left – just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, ‘You greedy motherfucker, I’ve got nothing for you.’”

On being on tour: “I slept with, like, three girls a week.”

On his cock: “I’m not worried about how small my penis is – I’m worried about how dark it is. I have a Dominican penis. My penis hit six home runs last year; my penis wears shoes without socks.”

He also has some manner of album coming out. It will, most likely, be pedantic, cocky, self-centered, obnoxious and off-the-fucking-charts sexy and brilliant (grrr!).

Update: I forgot to mention that John Mayer had one little lapse of brilliance here; Brad Pitt is not married to Angelina Jolie. They are merely living in sin. They will get married when, and only when, you can marry your hot 13-year-old niece.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I hate September 11. I didn't sleep well last night, tossing and turning and waking every hour to allow angry thoughts to run circles in my head, a dizzying and infuriating cycle I've been caught in every year since. Gawker's been light-hearted about it all day, and it's nice to see that and it's gut-wrenching to see that. I don't have it in me just yet.

So, frankly, it sucked hardcore to wake up this morning to the news that Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel died yesterday in the Bahamas, not 3 days after she gave birth to a healthy baby girl. It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, a visceral reaction, which isn't at all commonplace for me in this world of celebrity comings and goings. Maybe it's because this whole day always feels like one solid suckerpunch. But I always had a fondness for that kid -- I remember watching him as a teenager on The Anna Nicole Show, and he came across as strikingly grounded amidst the insanity of his life, aware of the absurdity of it all and able to observe from a distance. To be in it but not of it. I was, just vaguely, interested to see who he'd grow up to be. I'm genuinely sorry that I won't have that chance, and I'm sorry that Anna won't, either.

Kirsten Dunst Has Something to Say about That

As long as we're on the topic of people who've hooked up with Brad Pitt...

Kirsten Dunst put the coke back in her inhaler for long enough to talk to Britain's News of the World about how lucky she is that she doesn't do coke.

Seriously.

Listen to some choice quotes:

• "Jake and I couldn't last. He's a stay-at-home boy and I'm an out-on-the-town girl. We tried to spice things up — we had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn't have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught."

• "Jake was the love of my life. He was, is and always will be. Despite what has happened, though, I still have this whole fairytale vision in my head because I was brought up on movies and storybooks that say I'm going to find my soulmate, get married and have a perfect life. Maybe one day that will be with Jake. Maybe I'm a weird girl and I just needed a good freak to match me."
  

• Regarding the filming of her lastest movie, Marie Antoinette: "After filming I'd just go home and pass out. I'd have a glass of champagne, which I would never normally do. I mean, who drinks champagne before they go to bed?"
  

• "When I came off set it would be like a weight had lifted off my chest. You know, I'm lucky I'm not at some bar at night doing coke because I was so messed up."

You know, Shakespeare had a quote about this sort of thing. Something about "doth" and "protesting." I can't quite recall the details. But either this Marie Antoinette movie is a real snoozer, or that Kirsten had a little help in getting her tongue untied, if ya know what I mean.

Brad Pitt Peeks Out from Angelina Jolie's Shadow, Says Something Important

Don't get me wrong: I'm still mad at Brad Pitt. When he walked out on Jennifer Aniston, I felt like he took all my fairytale-marriage-to-Brad-Pitt dreams along with him. You'd think they would have evaporated when he married Jennifer Aniston, and, consequently, not me, but somehow they persisted still. Like I could have my fairytale marriage to Brad Pitt through Rachel Green. I soaked up every minute of our power-couple union. What kind of person operates in such a distorted, delusional reality? I'll tell you: it's the same kind of person who writes a celebrity gossip blog.

So when he left us for that whorecake of a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador (that's not even a real ambassador, I'll have you know), I was pissed. It was totally uncool. I felt jilted, betrayed. I was mad at him.

Then he shows up on the cover of Esquire looking ridiculously hot and broody, and what does he say about his relationship with Captain Whorebreath?

"Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able."

And when you set aside the fact that Brad Pitt just boldly advocated polygamy and child brides to a well-respected men's publication, it's really a very nice sentiment, and I may take his photo off my dartboard, just for this week.

Picking up the Pieces: The Only Pussies Renew Their Driver License Edition

• He's been hit with a few shells, but apparently at no point with a car insurance policy. Rapper 50 cent is pulled over in his Lambo in NYC for making an unsafe lane change. He's later handcuffed and taken to a police station on charges of an expired driver license, his vehicle being unregistered in NY, driving an uninsured vehicle and having that brick of heroin in the back seat. And by "having that brick of heroin in the back seat" I of course mean "being black." Gawker's got art.
• Jessica Simpson's management fires her publicist for trying to make it look like leaving Nick Lachey hasn't become such an embarrassing misstep for the plummeting popstar. But in her defense: John Mayer, dude? Really? And when DJ AM was single?
• How much is In-N-Out burger paying Paris Hilton? Because if I were Carl's Jr, I'd be fucking pissed.
• Ellen DeGeneres is hosting next year's Oscars. I'd make one of the 8 gimme jokes here, but Defamer already took all of them.
• Orlando Bloom and Uma Thurman? Wow, I bet that makes Kate Bosworth really hungry.

The Words Outta My Mouth

Ah ha ha ha! So it turns out Bob Guiney, from The Bachelor, somehow managed to parlay his reality TV gig into an ill-advised recording contract. I know this because a sample of the aforementioned opus just came onto my Pandora box, on my Counting Crows channel, no less, which I'm sure would send Adam Duritz into a hissy fit if he were still alive. What's that? He is? Huh.

Anyway, this post's raison d'etre: the title of the song is "So Wrong." Which is just so, so right.

"It's Like, Yeah, Motherfucker, My Bag's Fine"

Ugh. I am, like, soooo late on the draw with this one. So a recap.

Lindsay Lohan's Birkin was stolen at Heathrow airport, which was, like, recently the target of some manner of foiled terrorist plot, so it's nice to see they've really driven security into high gear over there. Lindsay cried because if there's anything that sucks worse than losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and your asthma inhaler, it's losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and the rest of your cocaine. You'd cry, too.

Don't panic yet, folks; the bag was recently found in a parking lot near Heathrow, after whoever stole it realized that it's a lot harder to sell jewelry and a handbag on the black market when everyone in the nearest 19 countries knows you stole them from Lindsay Lohan this morning. But you know what tastes the same in every language? Yeah. Don't count on getting that "inhaler" back, Linds.

Inside the Playboy Mansion

I was driving around the city this morning, flipping through the radio stations, when a convo on Star 98.7 caught my attention. The woman being interviewed was Izabella St. James, a former live-in girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. Apparently she's authored a tell-all, Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion. Her interview implied that perhaps -- shocker! -- life as one of Hef's girlfriend's isn't all fast cars, fancy clothes and mind-blowing sex. She implied that Hef is possessive and controlling -- the girls have a 9 pm curfew, and when they're out in public they are always followed by guards, even to the bathroom, to insure they're not messing around on the side (she said most of them are anyway) -- she implied that Hef's oldest son is gay and basically confirmed that his current #1 girl Holly is every bit the insane Hef-pleasing zombie she appears to be on Girls Next Door.

I'll be picking up this book this weekend and will have any and all wonderfully juicy tidbits for you next week.

If anyone can find a link to the transcript of the STAR 98.7 interview (it aired around 8:30 am today), please send it my way.

Get the book:

I Eat Celebs for Lunch

• Paris Hilton finally gets that elusive DUI. Sorry to those of you who had your money on Lohan. Her spokesperson, Perez Hilton -- er, um, Elliot Mintz -- says the arrest was "probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued." During her arrest, Hilton failed to make comments disparaging any particular race or religion, and was released within hours. TMZ has art.
• According to the AP, AmIdol's Clay Aiken is being considered to be named to the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday. As if this statement alone isn't funny enough on so many levels, check out the photo the AP chose to run with the story.

  

• Kristin Cavalleri is whoring around with DJ AM, Nicole Richie's ex. So you, like, totally don't care about that whole Brody Jenner thing, right K?
• Lionel Richie lies and says a doctor told him Nicole's not anorexic. The "doctor" said Nicole's weight loss was "stress-related" and "due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets." So, you know, anorexia.
• Michelle Tanner really needs to ash that cigarette.

  

Color Me Surprisedd: Tamyra Gray Wedds Sam Watters

On Saturday, the 4th-placer from AmIdol's inaugural season wedd Sam Watters, of Color Me Badd fame. Remember them? Think slap bracelets. Hypercolor. Roller skating rinks. "I Wanna Sex You Up." Got it? Okay.

I really likedd Tamyra on AmIdol, and if I hadn't been headd over heels in love with Miss Kelly Clarkson, I wouldd have rootedd for her to take it all. Or Nikki McKibbin. Or Ryan Starr. Or Jim Verraros. No, not Jim Verraros. But close. I actually wouldd have rootedd for anyone other than Justin "Ribbon in the Sky" Guarini to win that thing. You know why? He bothers me, that's why. Remember in the final episode, when Ryan Seacrest askedd him if he was nervous, and he saidd something along the lines of "I know that no matter what happens tonight, Kelly and I will both have amazing, successful careers?" Sometimes, when I feel sadd and blue, I reflect on that moment, and my cares flutter and fall away, ribbon-like.

But back to Tamyra. "X-factor" girl. It turns out she's hadd a marginally successful career in television and as a songwriter, cowriting Fantasia's number-one single "I Believe." I believe I've never in my life heardd that song on the radio, but I'm going to take E!'s wordd for it. Redd states or something, I guess. Watters has workedd with Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson, and cowrote Jessica Simpson's recent single "A Public Affair," since Color Me Badd disbandedd in May of 2000. At that point they releasedd their final album, The Best of Color Me Badd, which I'm sure soldd really well with people who hadd been cryogenically frozen since 1992.

I wish them luck, and I look forwardd to reading the many variations on "Color Me..." headlines surrounding this joyful union.

Odds & Ends: All the News That's Not Suri Cruise!

Today's mostly Asian-Baby-Called-Suri-Cruise Day on the internets, but if you're now suitably bored and disturbed reading the TomKat PR script optioned by Vanity Fair, here are some other things going on in celeb news:

• You know what would be purely sensational and unfair and hurtful to the Mel Gibson clan? Dragging his oldest son's past DUI into this mess. My favorite part of this article is the discussion of how Christian Gibson got sober at Cirque Lodge in Utah -- the "same facility that helped Mary-Kate Olsen beat anorexia in 2004." Apparently sobriety has the same staying power in the Gibson family as eating has in the Olsens'.


• Gwen Stefani will not fucking stop calling things "Love. Angel. Music. Baby." This time it's a line of dolls. "The Harajuku Girls and I wore such wicked costumes we had to share them with the world again," Stefani announced. Such a giving soul in a truly world-class songwriter and lyricist. How rare.


• Why it took Joe Eszterhas this long to write a tell-all is a mystery to me. Daily News has some of the highlights. Among them: Val Kilmer is an imbecile. Asked by the Academy to nominate the three best film moments of the century, Kilmer nominated three of his movies. One of them was 'Batman Forever.'


• Britney Spears is planning a C-section tomorrow, at which point the multi-millionairess will officially have given birth to two babies in less than one year, both by a white boy who wears conrows and wife-beaters and fancies himself a rapper. You can take the girl out of Kentwood, right?

Picking up the Pieces: Things that Happened to People Other Than Lindsay Lohan Today

• Orlando Bloom decides he can't see Kate Bosworth anymore. No, really, he can't actually see her anymore.
• It's official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes found a baby to adopt! Katie Couric kicked off her CBS career with the pics. From the looks of the kid, some 15-year-old prostitute in Cambodia is a real big fan of Scientology these days.
• It's not that Victoria Beckham is pregnant, it's just that her husband doesn't speak Spanish.
• When a lot of rich people have invested a lot of money in you, you don't have to go to jail for petty things like using heroin and selling cocaine to teenagers in rehab. Isn't that right, Pete Doherty?
• Jessica Simpson denies she's dating John Mayer on the View today. So if we could just get a moratorium on all "Is Jessica Simpson's Body a Wonderland?" headlines for awhile, that'd be great, mmkay?

Lindsay Lohan's Vagina is on the Internet Today

Get the uncensored version through Perez.

This looks a little Photoshopped to me, honestly, but far be it from me to ruin everyone else's fun. So Lindsay Lohan's vagina, folks, on the Internet today! And we'd had such a calm weekend, Lohan-genitalia-wise.

Radar is Back! Ashlee Simpson is Puking!

Radar wants you to know they mean business this time, reporting exclusively that Ashlee Simpson showed up at a MisShapes party (I bet Leigh Lezark looked unhappy) with Pete Wentz, whom she straddled. (The Evil Beet has learned exclusively that this Pete Wentz is the bassist for a band called Fall-Out Boy.)

Apparently all the Manhattan hipster awesomeness was as nauseating to Ashlee as it is to most of us left-coasters, and she spent a portion of the night vomiting in the bathroom. Radar's trying to spin it like she drank too much, but don't worry, Ashlee, anyone who's seen a Blue States Lose feels your pain.

Lindsay Lohan Selects "Cowboy Tacky" as Theme for Her 42nd Birthday Party

I haven't been evil to her at all since Friday, as promised, but now that I've opened the floodgates, who knows when I'll be able to stop again?

Lindsay Lohan (Allegedly) Smokes Hippie Cigarettes, Huge Cocks

Just another sickening battle in the war on privacy we call fame. Some enterprising young stalker has apparently captured a Lohan grocery receipt. How do we know it's a Lohan grocery receipt? Her name's not on it anywhere. Okay, her name is on the bottom, but it's not like that proves anything. I could get a Ralphs card as Lindsay Lohan, too. The list includes:

• Chaser (a popular hangover "cure")
• 2 bottles of Nyquil
• 1 box Claritin tablets
• 1 box of Sudafed
• 1 box of Unisom
• Ginseng
• 2 boxes green tea supplement

and also:

• 4 frozen dinners
• 3 bottles of wine
• 2 bags of Doritos
• Miracle Whip
• grated Parmesan cheese
• Philly Cream Cheese
• 2 jugs of cranberry juice
• Honey Nut Cheerios
• 12 pack of Diet Coke
• 3 packs of American Spirits
• Tums Smoothies
• 1 box of Magnum Trojans

So as best I can tell, your local meth lab threw a lovely Labor Day picnic.

I'm not yet convinced this receipt belongs to La Lohan. This could just as easily be a PR stunt by Trojan, AmSpirit or Chaser. I'm waiting for some proof.

Picking up the Pieces: Yes! Of COURSE We Have Jessica Alba's Ass on Film Today!

• Barbara Walters, E.E. Cummings find Rosie O'Donnell's blog pretentious, totally unnecessary.
• People reports that "Party of Five's Jeremy London" got married this weekend. The last time Jeremy London filmed an episode of Party of Five, it was 1997, and you still had a crush on Scott Wolf.
• "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin died this weekend when he was stung by a stingray while filming in Australia. It must be sweeps week.
• Donald Trump: still a raging, misogynistic asshole.
• David Beckham confirms that his wife, Posh Spice, is pregnant again. Hey remember that one time she got trashed at that club in London and there were all those hilarious pictures of it on the Internet? Yeah, that was like 2 weeks ago.
• Nicole Richie's body has nearly exhausted its "internal organs" supply of sustenance.
• Yeah, I know, you think it's pretty heartless of me to be making jokes at the expense of Steve Irwin's recent death and Nicole Richie's imminent one. And you're probably right. But you know what? There are more pics of Jessica Alba's ass. You can't stay mad at me forever.

Paris Hilton Wears Blue-Tinted Contacts

The girl has brown eyes. She wears blue-tinted contacts.

On occasion, I do enjoy perusing the various celeb photo sites and looking at the great big huge versions of the 'razzi photos, where you can see every last scar, concealed pimple, and odd tattoo, before they get shrunk and airbrushed for general use. It makes me feel better about myself. Okay?

So today I'm looking through VMA photos, trying to find more things wrong with Paris Hilton, because I do that with my Saturday sometimes when my TiVo's not working, and I noticed something odd about her eyes. They're brown. That blue coloring is obviously a contact. You can see the great big huge version of the photo above here (click on it to make it really, really big). She also missed two small hairs in her underarm.

For the love of God, will someone invite me to a party tonight or something?

Justin Guarini: Explained?

The kids over at JMansWorld, a Justin Guarini fan site (wrap your head around that), got wind of the little Justin Guarini mystery I've been trying to solve. And by "trying to solve," I of course mean "not trying to solve." Specifically, how was this guy the #1 requested celeb on E! Online for a significant portion of August 31 of this year? They did the digging that I was too apathetic to even attempt, and found an article on E! Online from August 30 titled "Making the Most of the 'Idol' Experience," about the people who didn't win AmIdol, and all the albums they haven't sold since doing so. Guarini was only mentioned briefly at the end, and only in the context of his utter irrelevance today, but apparently E! Online's readers know a good trainwreck when they see it, and enough of them spent some time rubber-necking to push him to the #1 spot on E!'s list of most requested celebs.

The well-meaning kids at his fan site have concluded that "The only explanation...is that people genuinely want to know WHAT JUSTIN'S UP TO!"

And you're right, guys, that's exactly what people want to know, but not because they hope to borrow their Mom's Sentra to sing along at his upcoming mall tour; more likely, they are hopelessly intrigued by a life and a hairstyle more publicly embarrassing than their own.

Case closed.

Beyonce on the VMAs

Here's that "Ring the Alarm" performance I was talking about. God bless YouTube.

It's kind of hard to see for the first 45 seconds or so, then it clears up.

Picking up the Pieces: Is It Sweeps Week Yet?

Not much today, kids. Not much at all.

• Gawker's backstage reporting from the VMAs is worth a read.


• Remember when Ben Affleck was cool? And when he was in a movie, people wanted to see it? Yeah. Not so much now.


• You know how you can tell it's a really slow news day? Pictures of Jamie-Lynn Spears.


• Ashlee Simpson may or may not be dating Pete Wentz. "Who is Pete Wentz?" exclaims America.


• Pre-VMA report from Page Six: Ryan Seacreast hanging with his gays; Jason Wahler makes Lauren Conrad cry; Brandon Davis may (shhhh) be on drugs.

Sarah Silverman: A Deity Among Us

A little something to incorporate into your daily prayer ritual.

You Know What? La Lohan and Harry Morton are Really Cute.

Pictures of Harry and his beloved Pink Taco in Hawaii. I think, because these pics are so genuinely cute (and because anyone reppin' Scottsdale is my homie), I'm going to try not to make fun of either of them today. We'll see how that goes.

[more pics at SplashNewsOnline]